hello there

I’ve been unhappy for a while

And I thought that maybe if I were just patient it’d change

To know that this could very well be the last time that we are “we”, and understand that even being just friends is likely off the table if this ends again.

It’s just as scary to consider that if this works, if this time—which is the first time in so long that we’ve been together sincerely, intentionally, committed—it will…work.

I keep catching myself thinking in terms of “oh when this happens” and subconsciously assuming that it won’t work (because it hasn’t for almost a decade prior). That needs to change. I’ve…I’ve got both feet in.

Commitment is frightening. The possibility of us is frightening. But I’m determined that I won’t turn tail and run from it, from any of it…or, at least, that I will do my best not to.

It’s back, I can’t breathe

I can’t focus on what I need to do, can’t focus on the things I need for myself.

And it sucks that the person I wanted to believe i was isn’t the one that I turned out to be, that’s been a kick in the gut

But what am I doing? Why do i keep getting stuck pining and longing to hear a voice that I know isn’t for me anymore?

I hate that my heart is like this. I hate that my heart loves like this. I want to be someone else.

I didn’t break beyond repair. The world didn’t end, not really. The pieces are settling back into place, and it feels like I’m coming back to life again.

I wish I could tell the person I was a year ago.

But I think that the main aspect of it is that I remember now that I am still able to feel these things, that the part of me that feels fundamentally broken after a heartbreak is still there, ticking away. Of course, that’s not to say that these fun new emotions are anything that deep—but even the realization that I can still feel them, however surface level, is incredibly impactful.

Will this turn into anything? No. For a million reasons, the most relevant being that I don’t really want it to. I’m happy just letting this pass and enjoying the silly little crush while it lasts.

And another thing. I feel like I have to keep reminding myself that *it is okay* that I’m not everyone’s type. I am the right person for someone, scars and marks and all, and although that’s not comforting in an immediate sense, it’s good to remember.

It feels good to be reminded that my heart is still able to feel.

What’s stronger than the human heart,

Which shatters over and over

And still lives

I loved you, you loved me, and it’s okay that it’s over.

I Can hold the good memories that we had close, and no longer want to go back to them or love you any longer. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.

The past few days have been odd. I’ve been thinking entirely too much about the last, both awake and dreaming. I’ve had to remind myself of realities, process remaining emotions, and reflect.

But it’s okay. And if it’s not, it will be.

The past is gone, but the memories remain, and they ache.

As much as I want to see her, I won’t look. I can’t stand to see her happy