A shadow beneath the clouds

170821; DSB getaway

I had an adventure without a certain destination then had a sudden realization from a silent conversation.

I was hyper and loud then God talked to me when I fell silent. I was in pain and in battle with my thoughts and emotion, asking no one in particular as to why I should give love to people who constantly reject and judge me of being unworthy of the things I do for the Lord and haven't shown appreciation for the things I've done; why I should restrain myself from not having hard feelings when they keep rolling their eyes at me; why I should still continue what I've been doing when they don't see that I ain't doing it for my own good but for them also and for everyone else and of course for God. I kept on telling myself not to mind it because we don't live to please people but God; they're not the ones we are serving but God. But I still can't help but be in pain.

I know I've also put these people in torment and their trust in me has been broken. Then God reminded me of one of my favorite scenes from Fireproof: He keeps on demonstrating His love for us even if we constantly turn our backs against Him; He keeps on forgiving us despite we keep on hurting Him and knowing we'll hurt Him still; He keeps on giving His heart to us despite the uncountable times that we've thrown it away to grip something else; He did them all and will do them endlessly even if we don't deserve them.

God patted me and told me to put into action the things I've been telling myself. There will be more instances where we'll cost pain to each other and our trust will be tested but I cannot go to the next level of my challenges if I'll be stuck on this one. Pain is inevitable and people will never run out of something to say even the people that you think who got your back. We may have encountered this kind of situation before and pretty sure, we know already what to think and do but sometimes we forget it or we unconsciously tell ourselves we don't know it. As we continue to walk in our life's journey, we will surely encounter this situation multiple times. I have already overcome this many times, too, but am facing it again right now. And the thought of setting our eyes on Jesus has never left me but as a human, we can still feel hurt despite knowing this--knowing that God's opinion matters more than anyone and God sees what's in our hearts--but knowing this is not enough. It takes courage to let yourself decrease, to let your spirit overcome your flesh and let God take control.

I was reminded for the nth time that I am no ordinary person; my emotions should not drive my actions and decisions but let the Spirit lead the way. Yes, as long as I live, I will continuously feel pain but joy's always waiting. Yes, I am not a god but I am a person who has God--and having Christ in my life is being able to live like Christ--a life that has the fruit of the Holy Spirit: love which bears more fruits such as joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.