The Alchemists Den

The Last Goodbye

I’m a person of many things: care, compassion, love, and more. But once upon a time I wasn’t like this at all. I used to be hateful, I used to be resentful, I used to be vengeful. Others used to call me literal a demon and monster, I had a short fuse and went from zero to a hundred in seconds when people didn’t respect me when I respected them. To me at the time it was principle: you gave to others what was given to you, respected kin and folk regardless of disagreements or views, zero tolerance for bullshit. And it was as simple as that. For some people I’ve literally almost died for them. Getting shot at or into useless fights out of spite because if they rode I rode and vice versa. There was a time I would be drunk 24/7 and be a walking timer as a menace.

But years ago a chain of events happened in my life and it made me feel like I needed to change and seek atonement for how I was and find peace along with rebuilding who I was. I’m not going to say what happen or what perspired, but I decided to go to college again for a new degree, made a bunch of new friends, and to the best of my ability show and be understanding.

I was always a zen-minded and relaxed person, that’s my natural state and personality. People at times would be over concerned because they thought I was going through deep depressive moments or sadness, but I just processed everything in private and internally. When I changed myself I decided I’d be more expressive to those close to me for the most part, but still kept some stuff to myself. This chapter of my life brought me many unique and wonderful moments and experiences along with giving me great friends that I’d go on and continue strong friendships for years. But at the same time I welcomed people who more than likely shouldn’t have been in my life from the start.

That being said, 2020 was a shit storm. And humanity started showing it’s true and ugly head. And a number of people I thought were cool and friends decided to drop their masks. When I made my changes I told myself to exercise forgiveness, even if I am indeed being treated unfairly and wrong and to talk it out. But something in this time figuratively “shook the cage of the sleeping beast and broke one of the chains holding it down”. By the end of 2020 I was slightly out of character and had some old traits come to surface, and even some new things I haven’t even thought about and very out of character for me as a whole even with how I used to be.

2023 is/was a big year of change for me at the time of writing this. The last three years I’ve made a lot of bigger changes in my life, mostly without support or at least that’s how I have felt (there was a few who have given proper and constant support which I even got this far). But there was still some situations i shouldn’t have even given mind, for my own mental health and more.

All of this to say, this letter is addressed to you. This is open ended and generalized, all of the letters that have been sent are exactly the same. You can even try to find and compare them to others I’ve sent, there is no specific details. But there is no mistake this is to you. You may have just had me around to make yourself feel better, you may have just been my friend to get something, you may have had me around just because you were bored and wanted something different. It doesn’t matter. You probably stopped talking to me or dropped me, you just ignore me, or leave me on read.

I don’t know why our friendship is the way that it is now, but the lack of clear communication is bothersome to me. If I call you friend then I treat you as a friend. Granted friends don’t have to talk every day or waking moment, but even if I just check in to see if you’re alright at least respond to let me know you’re okay. If I reach out to you or send a meme, give a phone call, that means you’re on my mind and I want to make sure you’re okay. I’m tired of the whole it’s about me not we attitude now a days with society. I’m tired of just one word responses and half ass effort.

Understandable life is hard and times can be rough and busy, but other people have feelings and without communication people can get hurt. Obviously if you got this we’ve talked frequently enough that you are/were apart of my life, and I value as well as respect you. But now I feel like I’m just a distant memory, a stepping stone used just to get by. You won’t know who I am, unless you actually remember me or think back. At this point it doesn’t matter. Are we still friends? Maybe so. But the friendship there is not what it once was.

If you got this I once upon a time would go above and beyond for you, out of my way even. Now you’re just there, in a figurative picture frame that I look back on and shake my head while I’m flooded with memories of what was. Maybe you still do care or maybe you don’t, it is what it is. You’ll never know how I feel. A lot of people already think I’m dead anyway due to the past coming back for me, I finally put on Sunday best to take my final dirt nap, or that I just moved away and started fresh somewhere. Some of you will wonder how I even got ahold of you to send this, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters at this point. Either way I’m just a ghost or distant memory, it’ll probably stay that way or I’ll just act or treat you differently from how I used to.

I hope you’re truly doing well, but now I see that if somethings left alone sometimes it’s better just to leave it that way and not hold on to it. So this is a bitter sweet goodbye. Even if you do reach out to me cause you find out who I am or this moves to reach out to those you used to hold close or pretended to, I’ll never tell you. I’ll give you the usual greeting and keep it face value.

Maybe you’ll make more of an effort with people you know, I don’t know and at this point I don’t care. What’s done is done. Continue you’re path of life, no use in turning back. You’re not going that way right? Just keep moving forward. I’ll be around or a up a bit ahead at the crossroads. But just know, it is not as it was and some wounds heal slow and leave deep scars.

From,

“Such a lonely day shouldn't exist

It's a day that I'll never miss

Such a lonely day, and it's mine

Cause fuck em that’s why. May as well be and act how people just expect me to be. Let me rot at this point just like they say.

🖕🏾🖕🏾CYKA🖕🏾🖕🏾

“Hello, bitch, I got a 'K like I'm a Soviet

Turn the lights off, push the button, kill the fucking switch

Doing donuts with my hand upon the rubber grip

Luger rounds with the blue up on the tip

I'm a Wardog, boy I get your boy tossed, boy

One false move will get you curb-stomped, boy

Before you can even get your words off, boy

“Woke up drenched in a sweat so cold

That it froze my home, wanna go to Hell

'Cause at least it's warm on a brimstone floor

No love no more, I'm gettin' frail (yeah)

And my face is not the same as before

I cannot see who I was before

I died and was reborn as a dog

I cannot look myself in the mirror”

“I'm a misfit, people run away when I'm in distance

Hell is closer to me than I thought, I see the visions

Life is so alone when the color's monochrome

Life invades your mind and now you think you're in the zone

Body bags like leaves as they litter through the streets

You can see 'em breathe, only alive in their dreams

Life is so alone when the color's monochrome

“I just been driftin for days losing my vision the same

I'm feeling awesome stirring my cauldron, son come and toss in

Never asleep im exhausted, i need a seance to lie cause my friends are dying

They anxious and be suffering silence, its always so quiet, i never level with the devil

I want my friends back lets just pretend that they didn’t end it

Late night stuck in my room,

Uneasy feelings of impending doom/

It’s been months since I’ve had a drink,

Need something to distract me cause right now life stinks,

I’m holding a rope teetering on the brink,

But no one cares so I’m left to sink/

Right now,

My friends are cycling out,

I used to reach for help but now I have doubt/

Fuck I need bottle,

Get lost in the sauce and fuck a few models/

But I don’t want to lose my special feeling,

But when I give the love I’m just left bleeding/

Maybe I have my standards and goals to high,

No one wants 100 they just want to get by/

Fuck now I’m getting to distracted,

I should have been locked up in a straight jacket,

I give to many fucks about peoples actions,

Now it is what it is not gonna get caught lackin’/

Been feeling sad and alone for a bit since last year,

I’ve become closer off and not opening up out of fear/

So I tried to focus on goals,

But shit got fucked and I had to fold/

I felt like such a failure with no one on my side,

All I was told was bullshit and lies,

Tried to recover but cast the net to wide/

Damn sobriety’s a bitch,

When the pressure gets on it’s rough to not scratch the itch/

But I shoved it inside,

No gettin’ drunk or high,

Just coasted by,

Sat back and took the ride/

Not gonna lie,

December into January tought about $uicide,

I’m ashamed the thoughts came back so I tried to hide/

So I piled on shift after shift,

More studyin’ blowin’ off all the dumb shit/

And it worked for a bit but things don’t last,

The last two months I’ve been knocked on my ass/

Everything’s stackin’ up it’s not fun,

Minus f plus g came across my mind I’m on one/

Now I’m stuck in a rut cause all eyes on me,

Watching to see if i pass or fail with ease/

Now people are saying they’re proud,

Why say it now not months before out loud/

So now I’m stuck in subzero,

Shit money no life I’m nothin but a zero,

Thought this time I’d be a hero,

Wrong again nothing to show but limbo/

Rock bottom feels great when you’re alone by yourself,

Everything’s on you in the end like a book on a shelf/

Filled with words and letters telling a dark story,

Fucked up dead and gory/

But I digress all I want is to forget,

“Fuck it, I'm just a mess and depression doin' me wrong, it's a shame you mentally weak but your body physically strong”~Donnie Darko

Projected release time (subject to change due to work schedule and health): Available SoundCloud exclusively 6/15. Available on other various streaming and music platforms 6/30.