ShadKing

I’m getting tired of people being surprised I haven’t heard or seen certain movies or bands. Especially when it feels like I’m being shamed for not knowing. They don’t get that I was extremely sheltered and isolated my whole life. At that, I’m much younger. Even my own older siblings shamed me for not knowing about the shows & music they grew up with. It’s extremely painful to act ok when all I…

So thinking about dogs again. I do have my emotional support cat. But brain is weird today since I’m still recovering from a heavy crash. 2 full days in bed, leading into a 3rd day. A conversation on huskies came up and so that lead to a little research. My long term goal is to be mentally and financially stable to handle and care for a husky. Then I went down the rabbit hole on why a husky. I…

You ever get excited over something so small that you just want to share it with the world?Well I do! I got this part of the carpet clean without using a broom to do so. For the longest dealing with how the litter box and my makeshift bed was on the same level really effected me. From dealing with litter on my bed to cats peeing on my sheets. I do try to keep the area clean but I have been…

With recently speaking to my nephew again and one of my older sisters, I’m feeling very strange. Plus, the news that one of my aunts died and getting in contact with my cousin over it. Along with speaking with one of my nieces. All these things back to back has me on edge. Not to mention, I did lab work for the first time in a long time. So, the results from that also is affecting me. I’m…

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Pexels.com This is from a gender questionnaire I answered. … • How do I define gender? What does gender mean to me? Gender is a energy we all have. It’s like colors. Energy and colors changes through life and seasons. We can be one color or many, and we can be different shades of a color. • What are my first memories of learning about gender? At four years old…

Just had a thought. Maybe I don’t like hiking and the outdoors the way I thought I did. There can be a much deeper reason behind such desires. Like my longing, since childhood, of wanting to escape. The deep urge of running away from my family. That could be the reason I looked to nature as a metaphor for freedom. I been practically enclosed in a mental cage that everything outside it was…

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Pexels.com This is from a gender questionnaire I answered. … • How do I define gender? What does gender mean to me? Gender is a energy we all have. It’s like colors. Energy and colors changes through life and seasons. We can be one color or many, and we can be different shades of a color. • What are my first memories of learning about gender? At four years old…

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Pexels.com This is from a gender questionnaire I answered. … • How do I define gender? What does gender mean to me? Gender is a energy we all have. It’s like colors. Energy and colors changes through life and seasons. We can be one color or many, and we can be different shades of a color. • What are my first memories of learning about gender? At four years old…

I want to work again. Especially in the graphic design field. But there’s so much I need to figure out first. Like what part in the field I want to do. I always been into doing corporate designs. From brochures to logos. Something about business focus designs is fun. There’s also magazine design. I do enjoy coming up with new layouts and organizing information. So that’s also a good choice in…

You ever feel hurt and disappointed about something that’s out of your control. Like you understand that everyone has their own journey but you feel frustrated and rob of things that you always believed you wanted. Only slowly learned it’s not your fault. And eventually things will fall into place. Doesn’t make any less painful to experience.

It’s so difficult to express how badly I want to feel wanted. How horribly selfish I feel for wishing to be cared for and lovely. The pain of everyone around me not wanting to deal with me. The pain of hearing them speak how my own mother giving me up. To be constantly reminded that I am no one. Constantly being the burden, everyone tries to put up with. Being made to feel like the only way…

This is just strange. I can’t sleep nor think. And whatever thoughts I do have are about my book characters. Is this a way to help cope with the true emotions I have been trying to avoid? I finally am going to see a therapist, in Oregon. But as I spoke during my assessment it brought to light things, I was trying so hard to avoid. I admitted to someone how deeply I was hurting inside. To put…

Whenever I think about money, I get so depressed. The subject just gets me so frustrated. And when I try to figure out ways to earn or fix my money problems I end up abandoning those projects. I get so angry and thoughts how they won’t work. And I even become so stressed to the point that I can’t work. Thoughts of money trigger memories of my family repeatedly pressuring me to make money at any…

After leaving my family back in September I finally got a journal again. Maybe now I can process my thoughts and emotions better. Since moving a lot has happened and it was difficult to adjust. Especially to my new environment and fighting my environmental programming. I’m still in great disbelief in what I accomplished in almost 6 months. I have left my life of absolute torment to try to live…

What is a boy to do? Especially as the world sees you as a girl Where the common notion is telling you it’s all a phase How you’re just being a tomboy How you don’t know what you’re talking about Being surrounded with people who don’t see you They just stare and demand you to preform Watching as you try to be what they say Waiting for your very mistake Constantly hearing things Being…

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