Stay Forever Awkward ☼

Am I supposed to be grateful that you find me “pretty?” Am I supposed to thank you, then look you in the eye and tell you, “Wow I would love to be with someone who finds me attractive. Maybe I should head home with you now after a couple of drinks. Wow someone finally thinks I am pretty.” Darling, that means nothing to me. Prettiness does not mean anything to me. Do you find my face pretty or do you think my clothes are pretty? Because I think this dress is pretty and maybe her shorts are shorter, so you find her prettier? Or do you think the neckline is pretty because you can see a little more than just my necklace? When I was younger, pretty was all I wanted to be. My mother told me I was fat, so I thought if I was skinnier, it would make me pretty. My father told me I was ugly, that my nose was too flat and my forehead was too big; I wanted to be pretty. I brushed my hair, I grew it long. It took two years but it almost hit my waist and when I had to cut it off, I felt like I was no longer pretty. My hair was the only thing I thought I had. It was the only thing that made me feel some kind of pretty. Validation. Why did I need it? Years and years, I sought for it. I was so grateful for any ounce of it. I fought myself for it. I told myself that I needed others to find me beautiful in order for me to be beautiful. I forced myself to think I was only pretty the amount of times I heard my name and the word in the same sentence. Well hey, don’t we all make the mistake of wishing to be something else somewhere in our lives? Well hey, now I know. I am pretty not because my hair is in place or because I wear the latest fashion trend. Hell, I don’t want to be just “pretty.” I want to be sassy. I want to be fierce. I want to be murderous with my eyes and I want to be wise. I want to be so intelligent. And I want to be something more than just being called the word “pretty.” Be something more than that word. Be something else that when someone meets you for the first time, that won’t be the first thing they think about you. Because you are more than just that. You are strong and you are brave. You are fearless and you are daring. You are bold and you are hell of a nightmare. Let them dream about you. Let them call you pretty and show them a woman who stands on the tip of the cliff who will never be pushed off.