Seven Sizes

I worried about judgement from my few readers and maybe my husband?

But can I just slow down? My brain is swimming with macros and water and calories and WAY too much math.. and I want to just break this down piece by piece before I lose my damn mind.

Last week was probably the first week in my whole life of tracking calories that I stayed under my daily caloric intake. So that’s a damned win okay?

I take my wins when I win them - that’s a win. 

This week’s goal is to do the same AND.. drink all the water I’m supposed to. (which I’ve also never done in my whole life)

Lol.

In good news I did not eat too many calories and I did lose two pounds this week.

In bad news I had rice, because fuq dis.

It’s snowed today.

I also decided to try to drink the right amount of water in my life.

This has never been my strong suite. My husband can drink like four of these and I’m still sipping on the top layer. Ridiculous. Anyway, I bought this and I fill it up daily to attempt to drink the entire thing. 

I still have not succeeded. Water makes me feel sick. I like how it tastes, I’ve got no issues with that. It just makes me feel...sloshy?  It’s a thing. (for me)

It’s fine. I promise. I took this photo two days before I started keto. I just had to say goodbye to coke. I love you dearly. It’s not you it’s me. Okay it’s you - you’ve got too much sugar in you and you mess up my macros. I love you. Goodbye.

I started off my day with butter and bacon and finally thought - um yup this is great. 

This has got to be the first day one that’s ever felt like I wasn’t punishing myself.  Because let’s be honest, if you’ve ever been overweight you’ve had a million “Day one’s”. I’ve never had a day 45 though. 

Yesterday I didn’t meet all my calories or all my protein and I’m not quite sure if that’s bad or not. I ended up not eating dinner because I wasn't hungry and had other things on my mind.. so.. I suppose I’ll start to discover is this is bad or not. Unless you other ketoers have the answers? 

I have discovered a diet that allows bacon and butter. 

I’ve actually never done any type of “diet” before. Typically in the past I had just been trying to eat healthier, track my food & calories, and go to the gym. That’s all good stuff but it’s clearly gotten me no where. 

About a week ago I came to a full realization I may actually have a binge eating disorder. I was home by myself, as I often am since I am lucky enough to own my own business. We were down to one car since something happened to the starter in my hubby’s car so I used “stranded at home” as an excuse to order a pizza.. and eat the whole damn thing.

Enter shame. Enter sobbing. Enter hatred. The typical feelings I have after I choose to fill loneliness with food. I’m not someone who even has a rough life, I have a delightful family & super supportive husband who cherishes me. I think the loneliness may simply be that I’m extroverted but I am inside all day long by myself. I felt absolutely miserable, and like a couple posts earlier - WHY do I do this to myself. It wasn't worth it - I want my $28.00 back please. 

I called some people and this was a real conversation.

“I think I have an eating disorder”

“Why?”

“I ate a whole pizza.”

“Well... just throw it up.”

They weren’t kidding. It triggered something inside of me though so I think it may have been ordained that way. Instead of agreeing with them I became incredibly repulsed and decided I actually need help. I looked up support groups online, possibly a therapist. To this person’s credit the came to their senses less that a minute later and retracted everything, they don't want me to be bulimic.... they just also know the feelings associated with being overweight most of their life.

I will not be someone who is ruled by Pizza Hut. Poo on that. Pizza hut isn’t even that good. 

In my research for therapy I somehow stumbled on Keto - I don’t know how it lead down that road but I’ll take it. I’ll give it a go - a real serious I can do this go. 

I let the Holiday pass and had my in-laws over. Told my husband to eat all these carbs in this fridge so we can get started and.. here we are. 

Tomorrow is day one. I happen to LOVE that day one lines up with the first of the month - that was not on purpose but the Wedding Planner inside me is dancing on her toes with that magical alignment. 

Yesterday my husband and I were just about to get dinner and I decided that instead of burritos I’d like to have sex. 

I could eat a whole pizza.

I remember when I was in California I was so lonely I ate entire pizza’s and just watched music videos. Literally all day.

Now... I don’t know what my issue is. Maybe it’s that I work from home? I mean I do not eat entire pizzas. But I could. I really freaking could.

Maybe that’s an exaggeration (it is).

I am not laying in a pile of rice. There are at least 8 pieces of rice on me right now, because I am incapable of simply eating, I must also wear my meals - like art. 

Do you love Chipotle? I do. I love it so damn much. I actually WOULD lay in piles of rice, I’d roll in that shit if I could because Chipotle is THAT good.

I however lack the self control to just stop eating it when I’m full, which is pretty quickly because it’s SO FREAKING GOOD. It’s so good guys. 

What happens directly after a Chipotle feast I straight up wanna die. I hate my body, I hate myself, I hate Chipotle, I hate Nickelback (thats always btw). I’m hoping, that if I commit to writing here every single day what I’ve eaten, how my workouts are going, and if I’m still larding around my household - maybe I’ll just be too embarrassed to eat 12 tostadas. Maybe I’ll eat strawberries or a nature valley bar or something.

I really have no followers - so to embrace the shaming technique I’ve told my husband about it. 

There’s proof right there. Also proof we love each other a whole lot #newlyweds