Hello, ♥.

I had a dream that Irene had died, and I was going through the five stages of grief. 

At first I didn’t believe that she had passed, and I figured that it had been a mistake. But as the dream went on, I could tell that deep down I knew the truth and was just suppressing my emotions because they were too much to handle.

Later that day I was talking to Sojeong and Diana when I mentioned I had plans with Irene the coming Sunday.

But she wouldn’t be there. Because she had died. And I couldn’t understand how someone could be there one second, then suddenly the next second... not exist? 

As I’m telling them about my plans to drive up to OC, I start bawling my eyes out, and I keel over, heaving deep sobs as I come to accept that she wouldn’t be there on Sunday. Or ever. 

That’s when I woke up shaking, and the first thing I felt was so much RELIEF to realize that Irene hadn’t passed. But just in case, I texted her to make sure nothing had happened while I was asleep.

Dude seriously, what’s up with these bad dreams lately....

I also had another dream before this one. I dreamt that I was taking night classes in Germany in an old cathedral with gray cement walls and colorful stained glass windows. The class was called “Making Friends in Medieval Times”. There’s an overhead projector in the front playing an old movie that starts with that old fashioned countdown with a beep for each number and a dial(?) that turns clockwise.

The video is old and in sepia tone, but my view quickly pans to the actual event, as though I were in a movie. I see a man in chain mail making his way down the streets of an old market, and the narrator says something along the lines of, “Now when you see a man walking down the street, the first step is to go up and say hi.” 

Man I had this awful dream I was in Geisel 8th floor studying with some other dude sitting across from me at those tables that have dividers and only enough room for one person per booth. He gets up to leave, as do I, and we both walk back to the dorms because in this dream, I’m staying at a co-ed dorm with genderless bathrooms. I don’t know this guy, but I guess we’re just staying in the same wing? Anyway, we both happen to go to the restroom area to get ready for bed. And this restroom area looks like the inside of an apartment, with a fish bowl above the toilet. 

As we are getting ready for bed, the guy and I notice that the fish bowl looks a little empty. Perhaps one fish was missing, but neither of us could tell for sure since it’s his roommate’s fishbowl. The water is a little cloudy since it’s been a while since it’s been cleaned.

The roommate walks in and talks to the guy, and I’m there doing my own business. That’s when the guy looks at the roommate’s cup of water and notices that the water is cloudy looking... with green algae particles... Almost as if it’s the water from the fish bowl....

That’s when we realize the roommate was having a mental breakdown and had eaten one of the goldfish while it was still alive. The roommate then becomes violent and starts going after us. The guy gets knocked out by the roommate, so I’m there running over to the next section of the bathroom that, for some reason, looks like the inside of a morgue.

The roommate comes towards me and I am fumbling to turn the switch on my mace so I can spray him, but I’m so scared that my hands are shaking too badly to fully switch the tab on the top. I sort of get it to work and spray him, but there’s not enough for him to be affected. If anything, it just makes him angrier. He pushes me into a gurney and I fall onto it and he advances. But just as he’s getting ready to hold me down, I manage to fully get the mace to work and spray him in the eyes. He gets knocked down for a little, but I guess this mace is a little old, so he doesn’t stay down for too long. I run back to the main door, but suddenly it’s locked, and the lock has switched to the outside. And oddly enough, there’s a party going on outside, so no one can hear my screams as the roommate is coming towards me. I bang on the door like crazy, calling out for anyone to help me, when suddenly the door opens and I run through the crowd and other people stop this crazy dude.

That’s when I wake up. 

I had a dream I was at boarding school, sort of like how I imagined school would be for that girl in The Golden Compass. The facility was cold and clinical--all white interiors with bright lights. No furniture around anywhere, save one of those typical office plants in the hallway. One morning the school administrators wake us up and tell us to board a school bus. I remember being in the same pajamas as everyone else. They were these blue and white striped pajamas that look a little silky. We were all in line getting ready to get on the buses, and the hallway buzzed with confusion as none of us had any idea where we were going. A couple of us discussed among ourselves that it would be better to be prepared for whatever happens, so I brush my teeth, wash my face, and put on clothes to get ready for the day.

When we arrive, it is at a hotel dining area. The place is beautiful with creme colored walls, high vaulted ceilings, golden crown molding, and multiple chandeliers glimmering in soft yellow light. The floors are all marble with golden speckles, and there are dozens of small round tables with a white table cloth to cover and a rose/baby’s breath in a vase. There are three seats per table, with two facing the front. At each table are our parents because, surprise! It’s a surprise visit day since our parents don’t get to see us too often. The day’s agenda is to each brunch together. The parents were instructed to pack the child’s favorite outfit and toiletries for brushing teeth and eat together, then spend the day having fun.

I get to my table and see my parents, and my mom says, “Jojo, we didn’t know your favorite outfit. So I brought this instead.” Then she brings out an old nude bra that I have and puts it on the table. She didn’t know my favorite outfit, nor did she try to figure it out. I say that it’s ok--I already took care of myself and chose my own outfit, so she didn’t have to do anything. I have myself covered and I got it all figured out, and once again, I knew better than to expect anything more. We have brunch, and I already know that they’re going to leave instead of staying because they have other things to do.

And that’s when I woke up. The dream came out of nowhere, and I hadn’t talked to my parents for a while, so it was funny when my mom called me later that day. 

The entire thing--the not knowing my favorite outfit, not even bothering to find out, leaving instead of spending time with me--it all felt... nostalgic? It reminded me so much of my childhood, actually. Just... perfunctory.

Me to me: Nonsense, culling of the weak.

Manoj: If I had a super power, I'd want to be like Lucy and use all of my brain. Then if someone is doing something wrong, I can just call them and tell them.

Me: Umm Manoj, I don't think using all of your brain will give you omniscience.

Manoj: Didn't they say Einstein used only part of his brain or something?

Me: That's 10% and that's not true. We actually use all of our brain already, just not all at once.

Manoj: Alright, get out of here Einstein.

Anyway, we get back to our offices and Bonne comes up to me and tells me that there’s been a change of plans, and I can take one of the empty offices next to her, but I’ll have to move to the cubicle when a new person gets hired. She tells me she’ll give me time to think about it and carries on. I notice that she looks visibly unhappy, but I attribute that to the chaos that ensues when moving. Particularly for an entire office. So later that day I walk over to Manoj’s office to drop of stuff, and we talk about the office space situation, and of course he’s still not happy that I’m not getting an office. We laugh about stuff and whatever, and over the course of the situation we talk about the windows. I say that he’s chosen the right office cause it has more windows and so he’s lucky, cause no matter where I work I won’t be looking outside. Then he says I’m always welcome to look through his windows, and I laugh at the absurdity of that notion. Just walk to his office, look out the window, and then walk out. And we laugh again, and he says something along the lines of, “I mean, you don’t have to! You can also just drop by and chat!” And in that moment I’m grateful for good coworkers who care.