DEEPLY PERSONAL .

“ look, if you can’t do this, you can’t do it. but i think it might be good for you. “

“ i don’t want this to get out, ____. i have no intention of letting this get out. “

“ sometimes i think we should just burn these woods. seems like nothing good ever happens in them. “

“ it’s all too loud. “

“ i just can’t have that kind of talk around me. “

“ just being polite, ____. we do that where i’m from too. “

“ be human for a second. “

“ you have kids, ____? i don’t even know if you’re married. “

“ so much has gone wrong. i can’t make sense of it. “

“ was the funeral very hard on you, ____? “

“ i can’t believe you can’t remember these things, ____. i think you’d be embarrassed to have forgotten so much. “

“ i wear this for ____. when i’m home, i’m her little doll. “

“ this isn’t some stranger, and i would guess you know it. “

“ everyone has their own version of a memory. “

“ i’d hate to insult the nice people around here. more than i already have. “

“ sounds like we’ve both seen some ugly things. “

“ you said it would all be perfect. you promised! “

“ it’s ruined. the whole thing is ruined. “

“ it’s impossible to compete with the dead. i wish i’d stop trying. “

“ i wish i’d be murdered. then i’d never have to worry again. when you die, you become perfect. “

“ there’s not a speck of evil in you, ____. “

“ we all know each other’s secrets. and we all use them. “

“ this place does bad things to me. i feel… wrong. “

“ i can’t believe this is really happening. in our town, where we grew up. it makes me feel sick to my stomach. just sick. “

“ it’s just that ____ was a real person, you know? “

“ goddammit, i want ____ back. i mean, what now? is this it? “

“ i’m here. i don’t usually feel that i am. i feel like a warm gust of wind could exhale my way and i’d be disappeared forever. “

“ i always feel sad for the girl that i was because it never occurred to me that my mother might comfort me. “

“ ____ has never told me they loved me, and i never assumed they did. “

“ i think you are a parasite. i think you are disgusting. i hope someday you look back and see how ugly you are. “

“ lord, ____, it’d be the most interesting thing that’s happened to me in a whole. “

“ if i see this in your paper, if i see even a hint of this conversation under your byline, you and i will never speak again. and that’s really bad, because i like talking to you. “

“ i had my share of fun. looks and money get you a long way here. “

“ i just think some women aren’t meant to be mothers. and some women aren’t made to be daughters. “

“ come on, do something. you could kill me right now and ____ still wouldn’t be able to figure it out. “

“ oh, now look what you’ve done. i’m bleeding. “

“ look at what you’ve done to yourself. look at it. “

“ i hope you can stand yourself. “

“ i thought i wanted to do this. like i needed a purpose. “

“ being conflicted means you can live a shallow life without copping to be a shallow person. “

“ it seems like part of your heart can never work if you don’t have kids. like it will always be shut off. “

“ take it or don’t. i was just trying to be nice. “

“ i can be nice, you know? sometimes i can’t. but right now, i can. when everyone’s quiet, it’s easier. “

“ you’re a tough one, ____. you don’t have a lot of ‘give’ to you. “

“ you know you’re beautiful, right? i’d tell you, but it seems like the kind of thing you’d brush off. “

“ i think you’re the most beautiful girl i’ve ever seen. the first time i saw you, i couldn’t think for the rest of the day. “

“ i think i finally realized why i don’t love you. you’re cold and distant and so, so smug. i never said i didn’t love you, that’s just ridiculous. i never felt anything but coldness from you. “

“ you were always so willful, never sweet. “

“ i thought you’d save me. i thought you’d love me. that was a joke. “

“ you’re so hateful. “

“ i learned at your feet. “

“ do what i want; i might like you. “

“ i don’t know that anything would be any good anywhere, so it’s hard to gauge if this is better or worse. “

“ this place is miserable and i want to die, but i can’t think of any place i’d rather be. “

“ you were so sweet with me the other night. now you’re so changed. why? “

“ i wish i could fix it. i do. “

“ i always wanted to be you when i grew up. i think about you, you know? “

“ i’m tired of dying. “

“ i was asking about you. you doing okay down there? you have to tell me, because i can’t see your face. don’t do the stoic thing. “

“ whenever i’m here… i just always feel like i’m a bad person when i’m here. “

“ i’m not decent. “

“ just be a sweetie and fuck off, okay? i’m so tired of all of you. you’re such bores. “

“ sometimes i sit in my room before bed and i write down every single thing i did and said that day. then i grade it, A for perfect move, F for i should kill myself i’m such a loser. “

“ safer to be feared than loved. “

“ i know tons of things i shouldn’t know. “

“ i’ve got to get out of here. i’m bored all the time. that’s why i act out. i know i can be a little… off. “

“ i’m so happy with you. you’re like my soul-mate. “

“ shit. i think you dented my face. “

“ what if you hurt because it feels good? like you have a tingling, like someone left a switch on in your body. and nothing can turn the switch off except hurting? what does that mean? “

“ it’s not safe here. it’s not safe for you. “

“ don’t you dare, ____. i’ll cut you. “

“ ____, a beautiful girl can get away with anything if she plays nice. you must certainly know that. “

“ was my mother… a nice person? “

“ don’t play games with me, ____. that exhausts me. “

“ ____ devours you, and if you don’t let her, it’ll be even worse for you. “

“ i’m scared. i’m vindicated. i want to die. “

“ you look so nice and clean. it’s… it’s so dirty here. “

“ last night. you saved me. that saved me. if you hadn’t stayed with me, i would’ve done something bad. i know it, ____. “

“ one thing i learned about ____, they don’t need a reason to strike out. “

“ are we done? i’m sort of tired of talking about this. “

“ you were never such a good girl when you were little. you were always so willful. maybe your spirit has gotten a bit more broken. in a good way. a necessary way. “

“ don’t turn on me, ____. we hurt each other awfully quickly in this family. “

“ hard night, huh? well, just wait—everything’s going to get worse. “

“ god, i’m so angry. that it ever happened. that it took me this long to figure out. “

“ i’ll never have a home. “

“ isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? “

“ i feel sorry for persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where she’s been. “

“ would you be more said if i died or if ____ did? “

“ certain people should die. ____ should die. “

“ when a child knows that young that her mother doesn’t care for her, bad things happen. “

“ you like ____ better than me. “

“ it’s a game. come with me, we’ll play. “

“ i could never have anything to myself. they weren’t my secrets anymore. “

THERE IS A HONEYBEE LODGED IN HER THROAT  ,           something stinging  ,     but sweet  .     it buzzes there  ,        desperate to come out  ,        to fly from her throat  ,     build hive  .       ‹    you are solitary  ,     she thinks  ,     absently  ,     of this little bee  .     you are solitary  .     for what would you build a hive    ?    ›       her fingers are are slow card through his hair  ,     nose dusted pink from how he rests against the bare of her chest  ,       scratch of his stubble there still making her shiver in come down  ,         relaxed relaxed relaxed  .      what a languid warmth  ,     this putty of her bones  .     this acceptance  .      mitch is drawing shapes she cannot recognize into her skin  ,          the soft center of her belly  ,     the dip of her navel  ,        he touches and touches and touches  .        has she ever been so studied  ,    so touched    ?

the bee shivers it’s exit  ,       frees itself from between her lips  .      i build a hive in case somebody else decides to stay with me  .       ‘    you  .     ah  ,    you did  .     i wanted to    —    to be here  ,     um  .     in the morning  .      with you  .    ’       her own touch does not stop  ,     thumb pressed to his temples  .     it is a half hearted attempt to keep him from looking at her embarrassment  ,     like dust in light  ,            against her cheeks  .        ‘    is that okay    ?    ’

time to play.

you’ll have to excuse the diploë. (he/she/they) has quite execrable table manners.

will you go to (him/her/them), gladly?

i think it is some kind of game. a puzzle of sorts.

i could feel it’s fear and pain. it was beautiful.

and there was so much blood.

i think maybe, next time, i might try it with a person. i think that would be better, don’t you?

(she/he/they) enjoyed the pain. almost as much as i enjoyed hurting (him/her/them).

what have you dreamed?

i don’t dream!

it is why you’re here; because you possess… imagination.

surely you have needs.

you can’t offer me what i want.

all your power is derived from your lust; all desire is ignited by arousal. give in to your physical need and more.

perhaps it’s better for you to keep away from the thing after all.

you’re pathetic, look at you!

they told me you were hungry, so come and feast.

all the better to see you with.

until you learn to relish the pain of every bad thing you have ever done, you belong… nowhere.

i can’t kill you, but sometimes, that’s worse, isn’t it? not being able to die.

what is your pleasure?

your pain spoke to you. without pain, there is no growing.

and i have given you more pain than anyone can imagine.

may it bring you amusement.

why should i negotiate with you? i have everything. you have nothing.

you preside over an empire in decay.

oh, a believer? how cute. how naive.

as if that will save you.

i hired you to do this. it’s your job.

hell persists without your belief.

you’re scaring me. i don’t like being scared.

safety is not something to be taken for granted.

my word, there’s a sight for sore eyes.

so, you succumbed to temptation. i knew that you would.

do you know what you are asking of me?

do you know what will happen to you?

loved be pain. sanctified be pain. glorified be pain!

hell’s where all the fun people go.

you’re not the only one who’s killed somebody for that

you’ll get your time in hell.

as you promised? as i ordained. you could only obey.

defeat… sweet… juicy meat…

it may even pain me. oh, how i hope it does just that.

i hear everything. you know this.

see, it has the radical from sorrow, and from pleasure, and from pain: it is a construct, a configuration of all three.

i’m going into the ground for you.

i know you’re real, you’re right there — only you aren’t, you’re not even close.

you know some of my secrets, i know some of your secrets.

you hear me, so i’m real. at least a tiny bit.

if i met myself on the street, would i know me?

you with your distance, you with your high ground.

there’s too much white noise in our heads.

i’m making you an accomplice in this. i’m making you culpable.

live inside yourself for long enough and you’ll start seeing anything external, anything even remotely out of the ordinary, as a sign.

nothing can we call our own but death, and that small model of the barren earth which serves as paste and cover to our bones.

there’s something a bit fairy tale about it.

i didn’t tell you this before, but you were in my dream last night.

it’s a weird feeling to miss someone you never even met.

you know how sounds get stuck in the walls of old houses.

i think about it and it’s like my ribs close up on themselves. like my heart forgets how to pump blood.

we’re microscopic. we disappear so easily.

have fun, but never, ever let your guard down.

life is unfair. life has no obligation to be fair.

i’ll tell you, and then the spell will be broken. the princess will walk out of the tower.

it used to be interesting, and then, like everything else, the slow march of time killed it.

you cannot have this one last piece of myself that i have kept.

i am not moon and mirror, i am flesh and bone.

you have to follow the rules, you invented the rules. you have to follow them.

i used to talk to the girl in the mirror when i was a child, all the time. i knew, always, that she and i weren’t the same. i knew that her face wasn’t mine.

catharsis. god knows i’m due for some, right?

have you ever seen a moon so red it made your blood look white?

there’s more than one way to kill someone.

i am not myself. i don’t think i’ve been my real self for a very long time.

we’re bad gods. we let all our works rot into the ground.

the house isn’t haunted, but it is a haunting, in itself. it remembers everything.