i don't know why it's a crime to be locked in

today i just (remembers to maintain privacy online) did something really cool. you have to trust me

whenever I tell a story I feel like Uncle Colm from Derry Girls

I don't have time for sex, I'm too busy running a blog that only 11 or 12 people care about

It's not enough to call your knight a "good boy". Sometimes you've got to hit him with a "you're the only one worthy to sit at my feet".

okay so they just led me to water. yep. yep. uh huh. okay. thank you *click* hey my lawyer said you cant make me drink

And for the lady, perhaps a MFM threesome where the guys are also a little gay for each other?

ever since i was young i've been drawn to narratives where a character acquires powers by being premeditatively attacked, subdued, and forcibly empowered by some kind of invasive procedure, leaving them feeling guiltily ashamed, alienated from their own body, and violently uncomfortable under any amount of attention drawn to them despite their new enhanced ability to defend themself and others. for no particular reason.

you will have coworkers more incompetent than you could even dream of