i feel brief moments of connection back to the moment a nice interaction maybe food i enjoy new clothes i bought another follower another email a funny joke

outside of that? i feel like i'm floating, but kinda like a balloon but only filled with oxygen so it drags along the ground a bit

it's ben 3 weeks of chest pain palpitations crying hoplessness suicidal ideation self harm thoughts and intention

i've tried breathing sleeping standing up to take a break eating so much eating shopping

nothing is sticking dr says 2 more weeks 2 more weeks of this until we decide what to do i can't go back, I can only go forward to stop is to go back to day 1 to continue is to walk on a road with no end.

i just want to crumple up into myself like a screwed up piece of paper

until i am nothing else

and let life go on

the only thing that stops me is my parents and family i think i've written a goodbye note before

i don't want to say goodbye

in a weird way every day feels like a sad hello a meeting i wish i could postpone and just sleep through the day

but then i always feel bad when i do that

i just want to cry and cry and cry some more

I think i just want to be able to say