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Who am I?

Call me Judas / Red. 25+, they/them/theirs, PoC

Been working with CPTSD, PTSD, ADHD, mild OCD & PMDD for several years now. Recently diagnosed with PCOS & a mood disorder unspecified, too.

I've been in therapy for 15+ years.

I'm blunt & candid about my experiences; as long as your questions don't pry too much into my personal life I most likely am okay answering (what happened, what are your symptoms like, what is therapy like / types of therapy I've been through, etc).

Why make this vent blog & post about mental health/trauma?

For those of you who understand: "I am always trying to communicate something incommunicable." Trauma is highly complex, intense & inexplicably personal, yet I would not be who I am today without it. This is my attempt to capture how I think & feel without a filter, without feeling like I need to constantly hide myself due to fear or rejection.

I've spent many years hiding my trauma for very complicated & layered reasons; Shame. Guilt. Criticism / judgement, to name a few. Regardless, it's undeniably a big part of who I am; it's shaped a large part of my identity. To deny that is to deny a large part of myself.

I WANT TO BE SEEN

I WANT TO BE HEARD

I HAVE A RIGHT TO EXIST EVEN IF IT MAKES OTHERS UNCOMFORTABLE

Source for my icon | Source for my dividers

And juuuuuust when I think things are finally on the path to getting figured out-

Once again, blindsided violently. IDK what I was expecting but here we are.

The aforementioned symptoms before my break came back but they’re much worse now. For the past week I’ve been suffering so bad I cannot function. Work is a monumental struggle because the mental energy it takes to do it drains me by the middle of the day. Things that used to worry me- finances, chores, etc- I don’t have the energy to worry about anymore. I’m allowing my finances to be ruined because I just don’t have the ability to focus on it, either energy wise or mentally. Even when I’m “resting” I can’t do the things I enjoy because I’m either too mentally checked out or I’m stuck in bed.

Exhaustion. Fatigue. It’s been so bad that I am weak on my feet, I stumble, and I’m dizzy. This is new.

Sleepy. Sleep doesn’t alleviate this.

Nausea & stomach pain that comes in and out.

Incredible mental fog and confusion. I cannot string together thoughts, recall simple words so I can speak and write in a linear manner (it’s like I KNOW the word but there’s a block to get to it, and it takes some effort to get there) and there’s a lot of energy put into tasks I used to do on autopilot.

And of course, all of this cycles. I’ll be fine for a day, then I’ll crash for the next 48-72 hours. I’m just becoming more bed-bound with each crash.

Before, it was bad. I was struggling and it was a daily battle, but at least I was able to sometimes get through full days. But now it’s a serious problem as I cannot work in the state I’m in. I’m trying to “convince” myself I can, but I just missed an entire week of work because of how severe this has suddenly become.

Yes I’m working with specialists. I have 2 doctors right now who have orders for comprehensive blood panels to check a bunch of stuff and go from there.

Yes I’ve notified my workplace that shit is hitting the fan. I’m working on updating accommodations.

But honestly? I think I’m still expecting too much of myself during this time. I need to take a step back and reframe how I should be looking at everything and how I want to go forward.

Right now I:

Have high expectations for myself in comparison to the situation I’m in. I still expect myself to be able to function at a higher level than what I currently can do; I’m not meeting myself where I’m at. This is causing low self-esteem & shame for not “carrying my own weight” in my relationship as I need to depend on my partner right now (somewhat valid, but you know) and that low self-esteem & shame is a vicious circle of me continuing to set absurd expectations where I’m at.

In the same vein, I keep forcing my body past its limits (bootstraps shudder). I’m exhausted? I stay awake. I feel myself getting overstimulated? I force myself to stay in the situation longer than I need to. Not respecting my body’s boundaries due to XYZ reasons.

Keep “being optimistic” about where I’m at. This is two-fold: 1) I wasn’t allowed to rest or be weak when I was younger, so I force myself through discomfort. And I’ve done so for years. You can see that it’s taking a toll on me lol 2) I don’t validate myself. I do think parts of this are in my head or that I’m not trying enough, or that I’m lazy etc. So I keep thinking that if I just brute force myself through the day it’ll get better… When really, with where I’m at, exerting energy makes things much worse. I’m not accommodating myself properly- I’m still trying to fit myself into a neurotypical, able-bodied role.

Am aware I need to approach my life knowing I need to make huge financial shifts & probably need disability benefits, but there’s a gap between where I’m at and getting to the ability to acting on it. I technically make too much to qualify for SNAP, which is a requirement to qualify for any disability benefits, but the issue is that I “make too much” if I’m working 40 hours a week consistently. However, I haven’t been doing for a year +; I don’t know if the government goes off of what my actual hours are or the hours I’ve worked and/or if they’ll understand my situation’s conditions. I also still don’t have any new diagnoses- one of them I may have very soon (I’m wrapping up on autism testing) but the more overlapping health issues, the more I feel I’ll be inclined to be accepted on disability.

In order to get through this brutal time as best as I can, alleviating stress & making things as easy as possible, what would the most ideal situation look like?

First and foremost, I want to go back on break. For 1 - 1 1/2 months. I suddenly dropped quickly in ability to function; this week may also be brutal in terms of functionality and not only make my attendance at work continually worse, it continues to jeopardize my employment. It’s not because I don’t want to work- quite the contrary- but because if I continue to try and force myself to work in the condition I am in, I risk losing my job when I REALLY fucking need the benefits right now to figure out what’s wrong. The only way to make sure I “stay safe” is to go back on break.

If I can’t go back on break, accommodate the living fuck out of my work situation. Ask for more hours cut- ask for 6 hour work days, as I can usually make it to mid-afternoon on “good” days, and WFH. See if I can build consistency from this.

I may need to swallow my pride and reach out to family. I quite literally would rather starve than ask for financial assistance (I’ve been going to food banks rather than reaching out for grocery money… I’ve avoided asking for money since I became financially independent; only asked once in the past 8-9 years) but at this point I’m beginning to have no choice. A lot is happening, there’s a lot of transition, and I am no longer having a choice. If I want to reduce stress, this is the best method.

Hyperfocus on my pacing. I no longer have the spoons that I used to have; instead of being able to do a handful of chores in a day, I must carefully choose what I want to get done. Fix priorities. Talk over chores with the partner. Figure out how to restructure life.

Finally: continuously make an effort to change my mentality on being disabled. This is going to be the most difficult part, but the most important. I was raised to pull myself up by the bootstraps, never admit weakness, and to always default to other people’s thoughts & feelings before my own. This was also how I felt like I could maintain control of my life. Now, I need to give myself permission & grace to assert boundaries that inconvenience others. I need to remind myself of what I can and cannot do, accept it, and continue to learn to accept it and allow rest. This is so, SO difficult, and is a daily war, but this is something I’ll need to be actively working on for months to come. (Probably my whole life lol).

I come here often to walk myself through my thoughts. I don’t know what’ll happen, lol. But at least I am clearing my head up.

4/16/26

I don't know what's happening or why, all I know is that it's fucking horrible.

The good news is, I'm fairly certain I've finally figured out what's happening to me, after 2 Goddamn fucking years of dealing with it: it's autistic regression. There's no other way to describe my increasing intolerance to stress, nor the degradation of my ability to do things. That, and the more I go through my autistic testing the more I realize that damn I sound like I'm on the spectrum....

The bad news is, I've never felt this so fucking dysregulated in my Goddamn fuckass life and I don't know what the fuck to do.

For starters, I'm so overwhelmed I can't fucking work. It used to be I could drag my ass through things; now I just cannot. If I attempt to do this, I just get fucking overwhelmed by the tasks at work and can't keep up and end up having a meltdown. It's gotten so bad that I've got thoughts of hurting myself & sui ideation again because it's so out of control.

But right now I'm so badly dysregulated in terms of relating to people, that I don't know how to interact with them anymore. I don't give a fuck what other people are talking to me about- I can't even feign interest. I don't want to give even an inkling of emotion, good or bad, toward people. I want people to check in on me, but at the same time I want to be left the fuck alone. I feel chaotic and vicious inside.

This is an awful fucking feeling. I don't know what to do, or what's wrong, or how to soothe something like this. I've just been stuck like this for like 2-3 days now and although I've removed stressors, I can't keep them away for too long. I feel fucking desperate. I want to claw at my skin.

3/17/26

Aight so let’s review the last 3 months, shall we?

In the last 3 months I:

- Started slipping with my mental health; despite my best efforts things were beginning to fall through the cracks. I started feeling very overwhelmed, not wanting to socialize, not wanting to go to work, etc.

- Got on a birth control that made me have horrid mind fog & confusion to the point where I couldn’t communicate properly, triggered migraines, made me hostile toward people & actively su*c*dal & wanting to hurt myself.

- Was in a very, very dark place mental-health wise due to the birth control for a month & a half and couldn’t get off of it due to the nature of BC. Was centimeters away from having a breakdown every day & constantly felt like ****ing myself, as well as was desperate & infuriated that nobody was acting with urgency with my issue. It was traumatizing to have to relive the whole “nobody sees me or hears me” trauma again.

- Spent the next two months extremely spiteful & bitter that I had reached out multiple times for help & showed signs of distress but my usual friends weren’t very concerned about me; I felt like if I disappeared it wouldn’t change anything… I felt like I was screaming for help and no one noticed. This triggered some severe CPTSD & trauma in me… It broke the perception of my life and I’m not the same person I was before.

- My family having a serious fucking medical emergency 3 months before Christmas which landed my father in the hospital for an entire month (motherfucker is the root of my trauma- what I was concerned about was my mom, who was not taking care of herself because of him)

- Spent a month lost as fuck about what to do going forward; the only thing I knew is that I couldn’t mask anymore & that I refused to. I didn’t want to pretend I was okay- it got to a point where I actually couldn’t mask anymore, and could casually tell people the severity of what’s going on with a flat, emotionless face.

- Got prescribed a new mini pill that sent me into meltdowns & was yanked off within a week, lol.

- Started Lamictal & Zyprexa (which is now Trazodone); gained weight like crazy on the Zyprexa

- Stopped taking my Vyvanse because it started making me su*c*dal lol

- FINALLLYYYY got on the correct mini pill and it seems to be alright

- Played a shit ton of my hyperfixation game

- Had my psych have the gall to tell me “maybe nothing is wrong” when there is clearly something fucking wrong with me so I am yeeting her lol

- My brother & family (most likely unintentionally) excluded me from welcoming his baby into the world… I was not invited to come see him. I am not going to invite myself or ask either because who the fuck does that (also trauma; probably sounds like an excuse but gestures to the above fuck you)

- … Within the last month, my therapist brought to my attention the possibility of me being on the spectrum and suddenly a lot of things make so much more sense now… So now I’m redoing my neurodivergence testing to figure out that.

And going forward, what I am focusing on is:

Being on a journey of learning to unmask; going through the immense difficulty of undoing decades of masking… And learning what my life looks like as “myself,” even if that’s “unacceptable.”

Focusing on my neurodivergence testing and trying to remember that at the end of the day, it’s the cycle that’s the issue, not the diagnosis

Maintaining routines (and learning flexibility as well as adjusting it to be LESS busy)

Learning what overstimulates me and how to properly balance spoons (and not overwork myself to the point of burnout, like I’ve been programmed to do)

I don’t know why I don’t give myself more grace. That’s a lot for a person to go through in such a small amount of time.

No wonder I’m no longer the same.

3/4/26

I’m going back into the world soon, so I need to set some achievable goals I want to work on that’ll improve my life. Goals that aren’t about forcing me to be more productive, assume that I’ll be able to function like a neurotypical able-bodied person, or force me to ignore my needs- rather, goals that operate with the wants & needs of my mind & body. I’m slowly coming around to recognizing what those are without so much confusion.

What I want to work on:

Making things more optimal & simplifying tasks. Doing tasks eats up my spoons- I don’t know how to explain it, but doing too many chores or sticking to routine too much begins to stress me out & make me frantic, rather than relieve me. So anything I can do to make things much more simple for myself will help tremendously. Things like looking into more pre-packaged meals & easier dinner ideas will help a lot, as that is the biggest concern.

Continuing to eat as healthy as possible. I’m also going to try and lean my diet toward foods that balance my hormones to help out my PMDD & PCOS. My hormone fluctuations influence a lot of how I feel, so if I can mitigate that as best I can, it’ll help.

Figuring out work accommodations. Reducing hours to the minimum of what’s considered full-time, as well as advocating for more down time between tasks at work will also help tremendously. Again, it’s the act of doing tasks that overwhelms me- I’m assuming it’s constantly burning up energy interacting with people nonstop and being unable to recover from those interactions for 10 hours straight (breaks & lunch is not enough downtime). If I had those two accommodations, I feel like I would be able to live life fully. If I ever switched jobs, I’d advocate for more down time or something like that in order to help with sensory overload (!!! That’s the issue. Idk what’s causing it, as I’ve been taught my entire life to ignore my discomfort so I am blind to it, but I’m constantly fighting off the fatigue of sensory overload & then burning out). Having an autism diagnosis will help for this advocacy. If that alone isn’t enough, I am diagnosed with PTSD & ADHD, and both of those can constitute the need for more down time as both have issues with sensory.

Figuring out how to navigate my neurodivergency. I think after everything, it really is struggling with neurodivergence that’s the issue. I thought it was bipolar (still possible), but what’s happening is more physical rather than connected to my moods. I need to figure out where I’m comfortable pushing my boundaries and where I shouldn’t be doing so. I need to figure out how to unmask, and how much masking is actually burning up my energy. It’s a big area of rediscovery, but I’m really relieved I can view myself in this light now. Even if it isn’t autism, it sure is something having to do with navigating overstimulation.

That’s it for now. I think those are solid for now. I would like to keep up with working out too, though that’d already pretty routine & I don’t want to put too many things on my plate.

With any social interaction I go into that’s not with a very close loved one, I am immediately tense: I’m thinking about my own face, my hands / gestures, my words & how I say them, as well as constantly analyzing how the other person acts to make sure I am doing the conversation “correctly.”

In the same vein: I’ve mastered knowing what to say and how to say it. I know what words are okay and not okay. Based on context of the conversation, I can know what subjects are okay and not okay. I silently assess my conversations constantly. Usually 75% of the time they go fine, though if I can’t read a person (usually another neurodivergent who isn’t masking) I start to lowkey panic bc I can’t read them audifiwosjeid

I’ve always felt “different” or separate from other people, but I just chalked that up to being quirky or eccentric.

When people give me instruction, it’s often that I overthink said instructions. I’m thinking about every little step, rather than the big picture / end goal. Every little step to me equals the ability to get to the end goal.

When very overwhelmed, I can’t sit still- I pace, rock back & forth, fidget with a toy etc. Lately when I’m stressed out, I’ll sit under the shower for a long time (40+ mins) trying to talk myself through my emotions, my physical feelings & my thoughts, trying to make sense of them all.

I am EXTREMELY routine-based. Rarely do I deviate from it. Routine makes me feel “put-together.”

As a kid, I hated wearing jeans & didn’t wear them until the 5th grade. I hated the texture & how restrictive they were. Only wore sweatpants.

Also as a kid- I struggled immensely in unfamiliar social situations. They terrified me, because it was like going into situations with “a blank slate-“ I didn’t know how to think, feel, or act, so I ended up very mute & stoic in my interactions. My father used to call me “an ice queen” because I didn’t interact with people… I just chalked it up to extreme anxiety. This resolved in adulthood where I mastered a “default profile” that I use with most people that seems to land well with anyone I don’t know. It’s just to be bold, confident, humorous & unwavering- it works every time.

I do a lot of stimming, namely echolalia. I’ll repeat a phrase that feels good over and over again out loud at home. I also echo back people’s phrases that make me laugh in conversation- right after they say it. Happens daily.

Safety foods. They rotate, but I do have a meal I’ll spam-eat the shit out of until I get tired of it lol.

In my mind though I’m not valid.

Because I “can function” (even though this is the second time I’ve left work on medical leave due to my mental health… Lol). Because I have the “capability” to do so. Because these can all be explained in different angles:

Everyone just approaches their conversations like that, right? Especially if you have hypervigilance and/or anxiety? What I’m doing is somewhat normal. Same thing with overthinking.

I just feel different due to trauma.

My ADHD makes me unable to sit still when overwhelmed & is the reason why I stim… It’s the reason for most of my “autistic-like” behaviors.

2/21/26

I needed to wander around in the confusion, because I'm now coming to realizations that are allowing me to move forward in life. Do I know all the answers? Absolutely not, not by a long shot. But at least I have some sort of direction.

First, my health in general. I've stripped it down to its basics: For 3-5 days I'm fine. I have motivation, good energy, focus, I'm able to complete tasks that I want to do (either at work or at home) and in general feel calm & balanced; sometimes I can also feel really jittery or irritable,

And then for 3-5 days I crash. I have low motivation, fatigue, brain fog & confusion, and I just don't give a fuck about anything so I stop doing anything- including work. My mind can be pretty hazy; because of this crash, I usually feel guilt, shame & depression. Sometimes I have thoughts of harming myself, but not always.

And this has been going on for 2 1/2 years.

That's what's been going on at its base level. No mental health terms. No vocabulary to sway it either way. That's what's happening. If people try to tell me "oh, it's depression!" "oh, this is anxiety-" Nope. Because what I HAVE been doing is:

Managing stress well through traditional means. I stick to routine down to the hour; I work out 2-3 times a week, I go to bed and rise at the same time every day, I make sure to eat regularly (and focus on eating healthy), I don't miss my medications, and I have my coping skills: I'm able to ground (identify how I think/feel and be present in my body); I meditate every so often; I write and/or do vent art when I'm upset or when I need to process; if I need a distraction I do it; I reach out to my support systems- I do everything correctly. When this all began, up until now (for 2 1/2 fucking years), that's what I have been doing and this happens regardless of coping mechanisms. It is not something I can bootstraps my way through.

I tried to manage it through an PTSD lens. That means using the above and trauma-processing in therapy. I know what it means to be in a trauma mindset and this doesn't feel like PTSD- it doesn't feel like its attached to emotions. This is more of a physical reaction, like someone is turning my mind and body on and off.

I tried to manage it through an ADHD lens. I was on Vyvanse for a while; it helped for a good 3 months and then it started to get bad again. I started to feel like a coil slowly being wound up over time until I crashed hardcore. Given, this was exacerbated by a terrible medication choice, but at the time I felt so fucking intense and on edge nothing could calm me down. Vyvanse was actually making it worse- I've been off of it for some time and my mind is calmer and my body is more chill.

I tried to manage it through a bipolar lens. I'm on mood stabilizers right now. I'm not even sure if it's helping to be honest, as it seems the fluctuations are still there, but I can pretend I guess.

I tried to manage it through a hormonal lens. While I do have PMDD & PCOS and we're trying to get me on the right BC, so the issue is still on the table, this happens in rapid 2-5 day cycles. It cycles a bit too fast for the usual rise and fall of hormones, even if I'm horridly irregular. Time can only tell, as I get onto my THIRD fucking BC lol.

This is what's going on; I'm sticking to it. I have leads on what it could be, but I'm not going to sway my answers one way or another- I'm just sticking to this and allowing professionals to draw their own conclusions. I'm going to work on balancing my hormones to the best of my ability and redo my neuropsych test and then go from there.

Meanwhile, I want to find meaning & purpose. I've been feeling an urge or call to do something that means something to me, and while I have an idea of what that means, it's so overwhelming that getting back to the task feels so difficult. So many thoughts go through my head: should I continue my current project or shelve it? Should I start a new project? On and on. I've been working on other projects I love but they don't carry that same weight. I'm gonna have to revisit that.

For once, I feel like I have reached a level ground zero. I have a baseline goal, I have a mentality of where I want to go, and I'll go from there. Let's see what fucking happens.

And I will NOT let anyone tell me something that is clearly incorrect, like I'm just depressed or anxious (something that proves they're not paying attention) or tell me that nothing is happening. Because it is. And fuck you, I'm going to find my fucking answers.

My mind:

1/30/26

Sold my soul, broke my bones

Tell me what did I get?

Did my time, toed the line

Ain’t see anything yet…

How could you break my heart?

Already played my part

I kept my promise, man

Show me the promiseland

This is super strange to type on an iPad…

Well, here I am again. Journaling. I mean I never really stopped doing it- but now I’ve determined that with where I am, it’s probably best that I journal daily now. With how lost I’ve been feeling, it may help me ground, reframe my thinking and get me to where I want to be.

So we already know the fundamental (y’know, the things I keep repeating probably due to rumination OCD, but whatever):

I want to live authentically & know what that looks like for me. How do I balance being authentic vs. being able to socialize and make friends?

I want to figure out what a sustainable, happy life looks like for me as someone who is neurodivergent & mentally ill. If I have “highs & lows” - whatever the fuck they are- how do I live a life that accommodates those limits? How do I live a life being resilient but also respectful of my body’s boundaries? How do I maintain consistency?

Lately, I’ve felt lost & confused as well as restless. With the restlessness, I’m not sure how much of it comes from issues with my “activated” side or my “highs,” but the lost & confused feeling has been there ever since I’ve been recovering.

I’m not afraid of feeling so confused, just wandering listlessly, it seems. I had so much shit happen at once… I realized just how much people-pleasing I’ve been doing as of late & stopped giving a fuck about being palatable; because of this, I’ve lost what it means to be “myself” in my relationships. I’m not censoring myself, nor do I feel the need to- I quite literally do not care anymore how uncomfortable I make people when I tell them what’s been going on with me. Why should I? Just to make sure they feel coddled & comforted, while I continue to struggle? Nah, man. I don’t exist within the bounds of other’s comfort levels- I am more than what makes others smile.

The restlessness, however, makes me uncomfortable. I’ve been trying to challenge it as well as work with it everyday. I feel like if I’m not doing anything meaningful, then my day is a waste- an urgent compulsion to be productive. I strongly desire to always make the day “worth something.” But giving my mind a break & sorting myself out, while working with new medications, is in and of itself meaningful & productive… I feel like my life’s meaning and purpose is always tied to what I can accomplish. And while I have things that I do indeed want to get done, especially creatively, I wish I could just relax without feeling restless. Relaxing feels like “a waste” to me- it’s also why I have so much time anxiety, too. I guess another thing to work with is:

I want to reframe how I think about & approach my life. I don’t want to be obsessed with how productive I am, or what I can produce and create; I want to find meaning beyond that. While I do believe there are things I want to accomplish in my life, there is more to life than what you are able to leave behind… Adventure, everyday moments, etc.

So much of my life has been about what I can get done or the next thing on my to-do list. I feel a sense of accomplishment & fulfillment when I am able to do lots of productive things. But that’s the thing- I find more value in the rational, everyday things; things like getting bills paid or daily chores. My creative endeavors or fun little outings like to a cafe rarely ever have higher value. I don’t want it to be that way- I want to WORK TOWARD those fun moments; I want the productivity to be second to living life.

… Well that’s some good retrospective. Go me, I guess, lol. This break has been so eye-opening… I’m learning so much about myself & my values and what I want to change so I have a better life. It’s been the ultimate journey of self-love so far.

My therapist keeps saying shit like "well, if you believe you have a mood disorder" or "if you think this is what's happening-"

How else do I explain this extreme roller coaster I'm on??? What else could be so disruptive and intense that it caused me to pull myself out of work????? What the fuck else is this?

Because I for sure know it isn't depression & anxiety,

It isn't ADHD- Vyvanse actually helped that significantly-

& it rapidly cycles every few days DESPITE the proper steps I take to mitigate it. I am one of the most healthiest motherfuckers alive and yet I am violently oscillating between my mind constantly racing, feeling on edge and/or motivated and being very energetic, to suddenly feeling very meh, low energy and not giving a fuck about the things I was excited about 24 hours ago.

But one thing I know is this:

How did we get here? How the hell? Pan left, close on the steeple of the church How did I get here? How the hell? Christmas, Christmas Eve, last year

I've recognized it's a feeling rather than a thought, but it's persistently there: how did I get here?

I did everything right. From choosing to be more active and present in my life back in February 2025 up until now, I did everything right.

I treated myself gently; I successfully taught myself what self-love means. It's a lot of patience, redirecting negative thoughts (but also striving to understand where they come from & why they pop up), and being very gentle & forgiving with yourself. Learning how to love myself has probably been the greatest success of 2025 and transformed me wholly.

I worked tirelessly to set my life straight. I pushed myself until I remembered what my resilience was like, but also tried to be mindful of not pushing too hard lest I get stuck in bootstraps mentality- a balancing game I'm still learning to play. I went from giving up at the slightest bit of distress, to working through 10 hour shifts of mental & emotional strain again (something I shouldn't need to do, but a demonstration of my strength & determination). I am able to manage my calendars again to keep bills & appointments organized and I've restructured how to approach finances (even though they continue to be a stressor, but that's slightly out of my control). I fought tooth and nail with my own health- internally and externally- to find relief and show up as my best self.

Every step of the way, I never gave up. I was 100% always making the best decisions I thought were best for myself, in the best interest of self-care, but also in building a life for myself. Every decision I made weighed pros & cons with a core belief present: what I'm doing is what's best for me. Whether that was in the moment (like needing to stay home for XYZ reasons) or for the future, I wholeheartedly put all of myself into everything.

But I ended up here anyway, which was the fear I had when I was passive in my everyday life, barely getting by, drowning myself in my interests to block out the noise of everyday life. I was afraid to be this person again: riddled with anxiety, obsessively chasing the next thing to do on my to-do list & unable to relax, unsatisfied every waking moment as I went through the motions chasing serotonin & dopamine with the things I completed. When I was in a passive position, I had finally found that spark- I found the thing that made life worth living. I had fallen in love with my passions and I didn't want anything to pull me out of them... I'd lived my entire life either in survival mode or feeling empty, jumping from one temporary interest to another. I've finally found something that makes me light up & fills the void in my soul. To be active in my life meant being responsible, and to be responsible meant to be in this mentality again. I just wanted to be happy.

Not only did I end up here again, but I ended up here AND chaotically mentally ill in ways I wasn't expecting. I'm used to the unexpected and I walked willingly into the unknown with a desire to understand myself better and didn't fight it, but shit- things got pretty scary there for a bit. I haven't actually considered harming myself in years. Yes, what happened was mostly due to medication, but that loss of control was a reminder of how no matter how much effort I put into my life I can easily lose it all... I almost feel like a victim to my own mind. (Fear of loss of control trauma has been triggered, yay).

Not only that, but a very significant part of myself has been challenged and now I'm staggering around in a confused state of mind. Yes, I'm wounded by the fact that I've had my CPTSD reaffirmed that people are self-serving and can & will think of themselves when things get tough (nobody sees me, nobody hears me trauma / how bad do I need to get trauma / nothing good ever lasts trauma), and while that's a painful couple of razor-laced pills to swallow, that's not what bothers me- what bothers me is a huge shift in my personality in response to it.

I don't want to people-please anymore.

I don't want to have to be palatable or acceptable for people anymore. I was fucking suffering & wanted to hurt myself, but because of "polite societal standards" and other stupid mental 4D chess games I was expected to pretend I was okay. My friends watched as I withdrew from their circles; they didn't check in on me or show concern when I talked about how much I was struggling. Something inside of me snapped- why should I have to lie & pretend I'm okay, or always show up as my best self for you ungrateful fucks, when you can't even bother to check in on me or quit avoiding the topic at hand?

Yes, I'm aware that people aren't obligated to handle my bullshit- especially at my caliber. I'm a huge complex mess that only professionals can really handle when I'm at my worst. Yes, I'm also aware that regular people are usually not equipped to emotionally navigate situations like that, or just don't know how to support me.

But is it so wrong to want someone to show that they care? Is it wrong to have the expectation that when I'm struggling, my so-called "friends" will be there? Why do I feel like for some reason it's insinuated I'm the ridiculous one for having the expectation that someone would at least give enough of a fuck to check in on me???

I'm starting to think differently. 1) I'm a special kind of person; not only will I make sure to keep you laughing & smiling, but I am always by your side if you're my friend. Hell, I reach out to strangers if I see them struggling. I'm a very assertive person and there aren't a lot of people like me. 2) My expectations over how my relationships with my loved ones is not far-fetched or outlandish in the slightest. It's a reflection of my values and how I no longer believe in unconditional love- especially with how many times I've been taken advantage of in one-sided relationships like that. The biggest one...

I no longer want to be what everyone else wants me to be. I want to be all of me in my ugly glory, and if people don't like that, then they never liked or deserved all of me in the first place. I want to live honestly, truthfully, authentically; a big portion of who I am does struggle with trauma and to deny that is to deny a huge part of who I am. Yes, I am a whole person without my trauma, but I'm also a person who has been shaped by it and will struggle with it from time to time; if someone refuses to look at that part of me and instead prefers the "tolerable" sides of me, they don't deserve my presence in their life.

I'm sick & tired of masquerading one-sided friendships for the sake of weak and near-meaningless interactions. I want genuine friendships. I don't want to feel like all of my friendships rely on the foundation of pleasantries & fun stuff only.

Look at all of me and quit looking away.