i don’t write a lot about myself anymore but i think i’m coming around to it again and this used to be my safe space. tumblr was my safe space even when i was tearing my life apart, and setting everything on fire. when lizzy and i got together, back in 2015, my real-life became safe for the first time and tumblr gently faded away into our past. but things have been weird lately. you know, i think some people are destined to repeat the same things in different packages their entire life, and for me this little package i’ve been delivered over and over again is extremely niche micro fame via obscure cyber communities. in middle school i made myspace layouts for weird indie kids, in college i started the emotionally volatile bear community, and now in my early 30s i’m podcasting and running a conference about taylor swift being gay (?). every 8 years or so, tiny eras in my tiny little life, each time growing larger and more true some how, growing and spreading more each time.
my life right now is precious and more beautiful than i ever thought could be real, especially 10 years ago, especially at the psych hospital, especially in COLLEGE which was supposed to be my safe space. being married has been medicine and also a home. my marriage with lizzy is shelter and also a vacation and a picnic. it is our monochrome floor-to-ceiling pink bedroom (august sunrise & golden gate). the carpet was already sort of a mauvy maroon. real boudoir vibes. our pink velvet curtains have orange tassels as fringe and we got them and some lesbian flag-colored lighting from target. everything in my life is lush and juicy and it also just so happens that i’ve had cancer they think for probably two years or so. the cancer i’ve had actually grows so that i could have had it for ten years or more, but it doesn’t matter so much, because the cancer is actually gone now. two years of near-constant bleeding, six months of near-daily miscarriage-level bleeding and cramps (i’m so sorry you’re reading this) and absolute HELL!!! and two months…just TWO months of knowing what was inside me was cancer, only to no longer have
and, as shown in the biopsy they took when they took all of that out, no more cancer. it feels insane and surreal what a fucking whirlwind that was, how quickly it all happened once they actually knew what was going on. okay enough.
i have been in a daze of recovery the last week and a half. i fucking hate the doctor’s office, hospitals, being touched and witnessed by strangers, giving blood, veins, the fucking smocks they make you wear!!! and having to talk about going to the bathroom 😖 🫣🤢🤕🥴🤮🤮🤮
but i really did it and am continuing to do it and i feel like…i really have a new lease on life. i can’t tell you how pretend life has felt. life has felt like a storybook and also a soap opera and A Walk to Remember. i was in so much pain for so long, and like i still am in so much pain but how can i explain to you that the pain i am in right now feels so fucking remarkably EASY compared to the pain of the last two years? like this pain feels like my body is grateful and healing, not dying. i feel strong even though i’m literally not allowed to lift things or move too much. i feel really happy and grateful, i’ve been surrounded by love and pleasure even in the midst of this hell. that’s kind of why hell feels the most true, because like when i think of hell i know if i was there, like if I am in hell, then i just know some of the sweetest hottest and cutest girlies around are also going to be there with me. like if i’m going to hell my wife is definitely going to hell, my best friend FOR SURE will be there, my mom is in hell with me. so like hell is a lot closer to heaven than you might think, and that’s why these past few years and months especially have still been so filled with moments of love and care and such bone-deep gratitude and joy, amidst and among the blood and guts and agony and fear.
one of the most incredible parts of this time has been how in my Older Sister i am. way more than i am the Eldest Daughter (though lord knows i am also the eldest daughter) i am the Big Sister and that is like such a fucking privilege and blessing. the little sisters (gender neutral) in my life are the ones buoying me along with lizzy and my mom. it’s like, me and lizzy are aunts as a couple but alone i’m a big sister. does that make sense? the line between cousins and siblings and friends has always been blurred for me. that’s the biggest marker of me being poor i think, growing up in a house with my grandparents upstairs and my cousins next door. but anyways, i am surrounded by deep queer platonic and familial love and it has been a lifesaver in the real sense of that buoying effect, something to keep me floating and okay.
anyway, that’s all i wanted to say right now. i’m very high and happy and cancer-free. i love you and i hope to write again soon. 
