sorry my last post was so weird. it was right after it happened and it was all i could think in the moment and needed to scream it out into the void. thank you to those who left me such caring comments. now all i can think about is the scene playing out over and over. i can hear my mom screaming and me desperately and pleadingly singing staying alive while i tried to keep him alive with chest compressions and will power.
but it wasn't enough. i couldn't do it. i couldn't save him. i tried so hard but it didn't work. i failed him again and again and then when it really counted i couldn't do it. i don't know how we're going to make it without him. my mom and i don't have the strength or knowledge to do any of the things his did to keep this house up. i don't have my bargain hunting buddy anymore, i don't have stress relieving political rant buddy anymore, i don't have the person who was always up for an adventure to the mountains and forest. the person who showed me how to be a kind, caring, accepting person.
like how am i supposed to keep going. everything was hard enough as it is. the night before my tooth broke and one of the last interactions i had with him was me freaking out over what to do about it. i probably stressed him out so bad he couldn't even live anymore.
and i know it's not really fair for me to feel so distraught, i got more time than a lot of people i know. i had an actually mostly good relationship with my dad. but i can't help it. it hurts so much and i don't know what to do.
but i have to protect my mom so i have to be strong for her and take care of her and help her. i'm so scared of loosing her now more than ever. how will i ever get through this again.
i'm scared i'm making her feel even worse because of how upset i am and i can't stop seeing it all happen. i just don't know how to make it stop.
