Selfharmer-Problems

I found a post on here from years ago with my phone number posted publicly. I’m requesting that this post be permanently removed, as I provided this information as a minor.

https://selfharmer-problems.tumblr.com/people

Do you want to tell people about them? That is up to you.

I think that there may be a need to recognize and accept your experience as part of yourself and your story, rather than wishing for it to go away and feeling the shame of it. Shame is also the way that we feel about how other people feel about us, but accepting that their opinions do not change our experiences can help us feel free from them. Other people are judgemental, and it can feel shitty, but their judgements don't change our experiences. Being attached to shame only keeps us stagnant.

But also, April wasn't that long ago, depending on the wounds, the scars will likely heal and become significantly less noticable.

I have scars that are very visible and I do have to explain them sometimes. Its uncomfortable, and I never quite know how to respond (also because it happens pretty rarely even with my very noticeable scarring, people mostly mind their own business).

I also think that if I do explain myself to someone, and they are judgemental or rude about it, that's not someone I want to be affiliated with anyway.

Your self harm isn't the only thing about you either, you're a whole person with other hobbies, interests, and feelings. Maybe it would help for you to cultivate some other skills or hobbies that you don't feel shame over, that maybe even make you feel pride.

The pandemic has been hard on everyone. If you have been trying, give yourself credit for that. You tried. It's not the end of the world to relapse.

I think that the decision to reach out to others depends on what you think would come from the interaction. Others may be a bit disappointed, but they may appreciate your honesty. Others could be a source of support. It's hard to say because I don't know what your relationship is like with each of your loved ones.

the thing is that those 3 years were progress, and each day you fight the urge is progress, even if you did it yesterday. I promise that progress is not down the drain, and just because you relapsed does not mean that you have to keep doing it. You can end it again. Each day, each moment, we are different, and we have the opportunity to change.

How often should one change their tools cause I've had mine for a while and they looked stained even tho I've been diligent in cleaning them or is it like a sign for me to try harder at stopping? Idk if I can cold turkey like that if it is a sign.....

It's hard to say, it depends on how you are cleaning them, what the tools are, what they are made out of, and how long you've been using them. I changed my tools pretty regularly.

I can't say if it's a cosmic sign to stop, I'm sure you know that it's not a good behavior to have. I think that looking for the sign to stop is the sign to stop.

Yes! People can get serious infections if they are not taking proper care. Any time you create a wound it's a chance for an infection. Many of the people who have followed this blog were young and might not have known proper wound care or fully grasped the possible consequences of the way that they were self harming. People also have different self harming behaviors, and some of those may be more dangerous and create more risk for infections. Self harm is also sometimes coupled with depression, a person might have executive dysfunction problems and struggle to shower, so teaching them how to clean their wounds is important.

Also like, my husband has a long history of serious self harm, and has told me some horror stories of his wound care, like pouring cheyenne pepper in his wounds, taping them with duct tape, tying a tourniquet, all things that are not proper forms of wound care that could have resulted in serious infections.

Because self harm is heavily stigmatized, someone who does self harm and gets an infection may also be less likely to want to see a doctor about it, which could lead to it getting more and more serious. getting an infection and needing medical care can also put people at risk of involuntary hospitalization or generally negative experiences with ignorant doctors, nurses, or techs.

I'm a harm reductionist through and through. People will engage in behaviors that are harmful or unsafe, but there are ways that we can keep them safe.

There are a lot of people who feel the same way you do! It's something that we have talked about on this blog a lot.

I think that it would be good for you to ask yourself what the scars mean to you. What do your scars mean to you? What do other people's scars mean to you? When you're comparing them, what else are you feeling or thinking?

I wonder of part of it is wanting to feel more valid. it could be related to validation from others, like if others saw your scars more you would feel like your feelings were more validated. It could even be related to yourself, maybe you feel like if your scars were worse, your struggles would be more valid. Or in comparing whose scars are worse, whose experiences are worse, and then who is more valid. Many people self harm because they have felt invalidated or ignored, and self harm makes it seem more real and visible.

Everyone has different opinions about their self harm. Lots of people do experience a lot of shame, because it's a behavior that is heavily stigmatized. Some people don't. That difference could be related to the purpose of their self harm, their experiences with it, and even the way that other people react to people who self harm, which is pretty negative.

I think that people self harm for a lot of different reasons, one of those reasons can be to express yourself, I've heard from other people who see their scars as art, and they feel really bad about it. But I think those feelings are related to having a way of expressing yourself.

On a basic learning level, when people self harm, it usually relieves some kind of distress, and it feels rewarding. In a way, it's the same reinforcement that creates addictions. We experience distress > we can't cope > we self harm > we feel relief. So what that also does is 1. makes us more sensitive to cues related to self harm, especially when under stress and 2. reinforces and creates a positive relationship toward self harm. So self harm is reframed as a positive feeling in our brains that struggle to cope.

As far as coping with the thoughts, I would take some time to examine those thoughts and figure out where they are coming from and what other feelings are associated with them. How you cope with them will depend on that.

If it is about validation, validate yourself! Remind yourself that your feelings and struggles are real, regardless of other people's struggles. Express yourself, write down your experiences, create a narrative, write a poem, draw something, paint, do anything that can express your feelings and make your experiences concrete, something that you can physically see that validates where you have been.

I’m finally in grad school for social work! Yayyy! Almost done (long term followers know this has always been my dream). I’ve started taking some individual clients. One of them has a history of cutting, it frequently comes up in our sessions.

Typically I would avoid being specific about my experience (for example, “yeah people who self harm sometimes ….” Instead of “in my experience…”) but my problem is that I have very visible and very obvious scars from cutting, that I feel weird if I don’t talk about my history at least a little.

In the field I’m working in, substance misuse treatment, there are many people with lived experience who talk about their experiences often. We do disclose a lot, but disclosing too much can make the lines in the relationship blurred and can cause people to question my ability to help them.

So, if any of you still use this platform, how would you feel about a therapist or yours talking about their history of self harm? What would be an appropriate way of talking about it?

TIA!

I just wanted to hop in and say thank you for still running this blog. I know it's not as active as it used to be, but you and the other admins have helped me a lot! I'm currently almost 6 years clean from selfharm (though I've had a few slip ups over the years) and I don't think I could have done that without all of your advice and listening ears (and therapy of course). I'm glad to see you're still here and I wanted you to know how much I appreciate you all ❤️

I hope you are doing well! -M

Oh thank you so much! I appreciate it! I am so glad that you are in a better place and we could help you get there :)

What do you think would help you at this point in time?

I think that COVID lockdown has been very difficult on everyone. The isolation is really hard, and there has been an increase in suicides and overdoses.

From you coming here, you probably feel alone. You need people to talk to about your life and your feelings. Relationships are so important and losing that has been very hard.

People tell me not to self-harm but whats wrong with doing that? Why can't i cut myself if i so please? Its my own body, i should be able to do what i want with it. Why should i stop when i hate myself so much, the pain helps me cope with it.

Why do people want to take away my only comfort? Twisted as it is, nothing else gives me the same "relief".

I seriously can't remember the reason why self-harm is so bad, is it because it might lead to death? I mean, yeah, obviously but so does smoking and nobody says much about that.

I don't know i just feel this need to do it and i don't see anything wrong with it. Is something seriously wrong with me? I don't know what to think anymore.

Any advice would be appreciated

I don’t see your belief as wrong.

I do believe that people have a right to hurt themselves, honestly. I wish that people didn’t feel so badly that it was something they wanted to do. I wish that people had access to basic needs as well as treatment.

I think most of the time, a desire to self harm is indicative of other underlying trauma or issues that ideally would be integrated at some point. But that is unfortunately out of reach for millions of people who don’t have access to competent mental health care.

I believe in treating the root causes of that desire to self harm, where it comes from, and preventing it. I think that very well meaning people sometimes do more harm than good when just punishing surface issues. Being involuntarily hospitalized is sometimes incredibly traumatic. Being arrested and forced into drug treatment is also often times traumatic.

I see self harm as a symptom of a larger problem. The way to reduce self harm is by addressing underlying feelings or issues.

Even then, some people will just choose to do it. And I do believe that they have a right to do so. But the consequences will be theirs to bear.

I don’t as much wish that everyone stop doing all things that hurt themselves, but rather wish we had a world in which people did not feel the need to hurt themselves.

I'm so sorry I never got to this message, I'm still going to answer it in case others want this advice.

Depending on the wound, your skin color, and generally how you recover from scars and such, it will take many more months, and sometimes years, for scars to heal. I have scars from self harming that are like, 14 years old at this point. over time they turn white and become less noticeable though. There are things that you can do, both to help your scars heal and to cover them up.

I totally understand where you are coming from. Sometimes when people like the scars they get from self-harming, it's because they're a form of expression? If you are at a point where you feel like you should stop, it may be good to pick up another expressive hobby. It could be visual art, writing, anything.

Sometimes I like to write bad poetry when I'm depressed haha.

you could also find another way to express yourself ON yourself. We tell people to draw on themselves, you could do henna, or even get a tattoo (if you're old enough).

I think that feeling "i know i should stop but don't want to" is what keeps many of us self-harming. Self-harm is heavily stigmatized, but we have reasons to do it. We wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't something that we wanted to do. The idea is to get into a headspace where it isn't something that you want to do.

maybe there are other stressors in your life that could be triggering it? feelings coming up? how do you feel before, during, and after? what do you like about it? what do you dislike about it?

But then my mother told me that I'd be too much for the person who I'd be staying with because of my scars, since it'd burden them too much, if they'd have to think about what to do with me

Something like this hadn't even occured to me. Is this really something I should be that concerned about

Wow! and no!

I could see it being a problem if you weren't in control of the other aspects of your mental health that could potentially create an unstable or worrisome environment. You would definitely want to be in a good headspace before doing something that involves so much change like that. If all you have are your scars, it's most likely that they just look past it. It is possible that they will notice them - you can always tell when someone's eyes go right to them, but most of the time people are still polite and mind their own business.