Selective Mutism things

Selective mutism and dating

This question was sent years ago, before I kind of disappeared from this blog. I don't know if the person who originally sent this is going to see this, still recognize this as their question, or if this is even still relevant to them - but I want to reply to this today, maybe someone finds it useful or wants to share their experience too.

_

Now, I don't have much experience and I'm currently single, decide for yourself if you want to take my advice. 😅

Dating apps?

Most people probably look for partners through dating apps nowadays, chat with some people, meet up in real life to get to know each other and see if you click - and I don't think there's anything wrong with that if that works for you!

But I think with selective mutism, this might not be the way to go.

You might need more time to warm up with someone, to get comfortable enough around them to speak, while people you meet on dating apps might want to find someone quickly, and therefore may be currently talking to multiple people they matched with, and may not want to invest that much time and patience in one person that is ultimately a total stranger.

(That doesn't have to be the case of course, there's also a chance that you exchange messages with a person and you both feel a connection and are both willing to take it slow, and that works out. I'm not trying to bash online dating here or saying everyone on these apps is too superficial, I know of people who have met their long-term partner through dating apps. I am just pointing out problems that can appear, in my experience.)

Build a friendship first

I would try meeting people on a friendship basis first, and see where that takes you.

I understand that meeting friends is difficult too with selective mutism. But there are ways.

There are always people out there who are patient and understanding with you, who you can build a connection with.

When you are in a dark place mentally, it is hard to imagine that someone actually genuinely likes you and wants to spend time with you.

But good people exist out there, people who accept you and like you the way you are.

Where/how do I meet people?

But how do you find them?

Can happen offline, sometimes someone at school, at a hobby, or any other group you frequent, adopts you and now you have a friend. :-)

But you can try online too, this is usually easier for those like us.

In fandom spaces, you can connect with people who have the same interests - plus the chance is higher here that you find people who also have a hard time connecting with people in real life, who may also want to take it slow and understand you need more time.

Sometimes there are also facebook groups (or spaces on other social media) especially for people with mental illness for finding friends and/or partners. People you meet there are in the same boat, the chance is higher that you meet someone who understands.

I would bring up selective mutism early, explain what it is. If they are weird about it, you do not want to date them anyway.

Of course there is the possibility that someone has never heard of selective mutism, but by "being weird about it", I do not mean "has never heard of it, but is respectful and willing to learn".

How do I build a connection?

After a while you may want to take it further than texting.

Talking on the phone or facetiming is hard with selective mutism, unless you are really comfortable with someone.

Things I have done in the past included sending recorded audio/video messages to each other, or video chatting but muted, so you see each other, but talk via text.

After more time passes and you get more comfortable with each other, talking on the phone or on video calls might become possible.

Finally, you might want to meet up in real life. It is fine if it takes a long time to get to this point, in fact I recommend not doing it too early.

IRL meetings with people you met online: safety 101

If you want to meet up with someone in real life that you met online, you need to take some precautions.

When I was young, we were taught this all the time, I don't know if young people nowadays are constantly told about this by older people too and roll their eyes at me because they already know :-) but it doesn't hurt to say it again: - Meet in a public space, not at your or their home - Don't go home with them or take them home on the first meeting - Tell someone when, where, with whom you are meeting -> also, tell the person you want to meet that you are telling someone else the details of your meeting - If possible, bring someone you trust to the meeting (just to check if everything is legit, they don't have to stay the whole time) -> also, tell the person you want to meet that you are bringing someone - If they are weird about any of these things, tell you you're too overcautious or try to convince you to do drop your precautions, the meeting is canceled. - Listen to your gut! If something doesn't feel right, it's okay to call off the meeting or leave.

Know your worth, don't settle for less

Whether in a relationship or still in the dating phase,

especially with a history of difficulty in finding friends and relationships, you might catch yourself thinking "It was a miracle I found this one person that wants me, if I leave, I'm going to stay alone, who else would like me, I would never find someone else", but

You do not have to settle for someone who does not respect you, does not treat you well and does not make you happy.

My approach to "But what if I never find someone else again?" is "Would that really be worse than being miserable with this person?"

You don't need a romantic partner. You are complete the way you are, you do not need a partner to complete you.

It is of course totally okay to want a romantic relationship, but a romantic partner is a bonus, a great addition to your life if you want that, not a requirement for a good life. You have not failed in life if you are x years old and single/unmarried.

I feel like if you really understand that, then the idea of being alone (again) doesn't have to feel scary.

You can find someone again! But you don't have to, and that is the point.

A couple years ago, I wrote a post saying "the idea of recovery is scary when a mentally healthy version of you has never existed".

I have different thoughts about this now.

I was 24 years old when I posted this, and at a different point mental health wise.

I'm now 31. I'm not mentally healthy now, but dealing better with many things.

I cannot remember a time when I was not depressed, not anxious, did not feel different from everyone else around me, did not feel like I don't belong into this world.

A therapist once told me no one is born socially anxious, social anxiety disorder has to develop at some point. This applies to other mental disorders too, of course.

True, there must have been a time before I was mentally ill. But I've been dealing with all this since early childhood, I have no memory of a time before this, to me it feels like I have always been mentally ill.

I only know this version of me.

I could never relate to people who talked about wanting to go back to being the person they were before selective mutism, before depression, etc.

Now of course I have always wanted to recover, to live without selective mutism, social anxiety, everything else.

But I had no idea how. I had nowhere to go back to, no "before" version. I never knew a different life, I could not imagine what I would be like without the disorders that had defined my life.

This used to scare me, to overwhelm me so much.

Then a few years ago, I read the advice

"If you cannot find a response to the question 'Who was I before [...], how do I go back to this?', instead try asking yourself 'Who do I want to be? What do I want to be like?' and try to find ways to work towards this."

and it resonated with me.

I don't have to know a "before" version of me. I don't have to work towards going back.

Really understanding this brought me so much relief.

I can instead look forward, I think a lot about how I want to be, and I work on becoming this.

I have to learn now in my late 20s, how to act appropriately and not completely awkward in certain social situations, as I completely skipped learning how to behave in these cases as a kid, as I was always the one that didn't talk at all, and the not-talking, removing myself from social situations, was usually treated as a problem -

I am now 29 and can sort of mostly speak in social situations, although with a lot of anxiety and needing a lot of time to recover - if I had not gotten the diagnosis as a teenager, when I was struggling a lot more with selective mutism, and a lot more intensely, if I went now to get diagnosed for the first time, I'm not sure I would get it now, in my current situation.

That does not mean I never had it, back then it was the correct diagnosis for what I had been experiencing for years, it just means I made enough progress to be able to speak more than back then (or speak at all), and perhaps if a therapist met me for the first time now, knowing only the 29-year-old-me they would not give me the diagnosis "selective mutism" today.

But I don't know if this means I'm cured and over it! I'm hesitant to say I'm recovered, as I still have a lot of social anxiety going on, I haven't been in a situation where I've gone completely mute in a long time, but I'm not confident saying it will never happen again either.