Perpetual Puke

In my dreams Im reading books. In my dreams I answered emails and and painted my nails. In my dreams I made cinnamon rolls and drove to the beach and watched the sunset.

Devastating realization that I am now treating sleep as a method of self harm unintentionally. Long history of use and abuse to placate myself from the misery of depression, I dont abuse pills anymore, have cut back on smoking and drinking, stopped the more violent stuff years ago now. But now I lay in my bed, all week staying up till 1am or later, waking up at 6 for work, getting home at 6 and either succumbing to sleep and waking up at 10pm for doing the same thing over again. First day off and I sleep for 12 hours, ever single time. I woke up at 1pm today and now feel a fear of life passing me by, my existence shallow and weak rooted, not accomplishing the things I need to do in a day, only being awake in the dark.

In classic new years fashion I have no plans and then have too many plans. Last time I had too many plans I ghosted everyone and stayed home. I've been getting better at ghosting people, ever as far as admitting thats what I was doing and not just "prioritizing myself". May this next year bring me more accountability and further my growth as a loving soul. Take care everyone

Idk who my friends are anymore

Idk who my friends are anymore