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itoshi rin is tormented by the lingering ghosts of your tragic breakup. he is cold and he lives with the burden of missing you. he wonders if you are hurting too, or is it just him?
pairing : itoshi rin x reader
content : hurt and comfort. exes to lovers. messy breakup. accusations of cheating (no actual cheating). insecurities. mentions of alcohol. cursing.
it’s one in the morning and rin is surrounded by his friends and acquaintances but still, he feels cold. even with the alcohol in his system that he drank to purposely warm him, it’s cold.
it has been this way for nearly a year now. eleven months and a couple weeks, if anyone is counting. a few days more and it would be the anniversary of your breakup.
the nearer it gets to twelve months without you, the colder it gets. right now, even with the perfectly working heater in one of his teammate’s penthouse, rin shivers.
it’s cold.
he never thought it could be this cold.
rin knows why he feels like this. he knows exactly why he wakes up and goes to bed alone. the reason why his life is dull and empty is not a secret to him—he just won’t acknowledge it.
he refuses to admit to himself that the reason why he has been suffering for the past eleven months of his life is because you’re not here.
how could he admit it? how could he ever address that your absence it what causes his pitiful state, when he brought it upon himself.
it was his fault that you’re not here. he wanted this. well, he had thought that he wanted this.
there is no way he could welcome the thought that he misses you when he was the one who drove you away, right? there is no use.
it’s too late now. all he could do is go out with his teammates on nights like this and pretend as if he wasn’t freezing from the inside out.
“damn, this is so boring,” seishiro sits down beside him on the sofa and rin tenses at the presence of the white-haired boy.
he does not know what to do because among everyone else in this crowded room, you are most connected to nagi seishiro. your best friend. and he has long been your best friend before you and rin even got together.
how is rin supposed to act around the person who is still in your life while he himself isn’t? this man seated next to him knows where you are right now and what you have been doing, while rin has absolutely no idea how you are.
“didn’t think i’d see you here, itoshi,” nagi speaks again. rin hums in acknowledgment, “thought it wouldn’t be so bad to come.”
there is this unspoken understanding between them, that both of them are thinking about you. after all, aside from soccer, all they have in common is their connection to you.
nagi debates whether he should tell you that he saw rin tonight or keep it to himself so as to not instigate negative feelings from you.
rin wonders if he should start asking about you. he decides against it and pretended to busy himself with his cellphone to avoid further conversation with your best friend.
he convinces himself that he does not care. he acts like he doesn’t want to know how you are. he tries to make himself believe that as long as he can fake it, it will somehow be true.
jokes on him, really.
meguru approaches nagi next to him and rin is planning to ignore him like he usually does, but the words that comes out of meguru’s mouth made that utterly impossible.
“nagi! i saw y/n by the bookstore earlier this afternoon, didn’t you ask her to come? i invited her but she said you didn’t mention anythin’ about a party!”
the mere mention of your name makes rin’s heart stop. it has been a very long time since he heard someone mention your name casually around him. now that your name has been dropped, everything comes crashing down on him, and he cannot breathe.
“oh, damn, i’m sorry—“ bachira seems to notice his mistake upon not seeing rin next to nagi. they know not to carelessly throw your name around because at first, it affected his performance. now, it is apparent that you affect him in and out of the game.
“excuse me.”
rin is cold. it’s like ice is running through his veins as he stands up and rushes to leave the suffocating penthouse.
rin runs out to the street and for the first time since he lost you, he names the sinking feeling in his stomach that won’t go away.
for the first time since you walked out the door of your shared apartment, rin finally admits it.
he misses you.
he is longing for you like how the moon misses the sun but never meets it enough. it burns and it is freezing all at the same time because when you were here, he felt nothing but the assurance of your love.
he runs, and runs, and runs. it’s dark and it’s cold, but he runs. he runs in hopes that he could change the past. he runs with the burning desire to correct his faults and take back all the hurt he inflicted on you.
maybe then, you’d be here.
maybe then, it wouldn’t be so cold.
“are you seriously accusing me of that, rin? are you hearing yourself right now?” the hurt was evident in your tone as you watched the love of your life with all of his guards up.
his glares were accusing as if what he saw was an unforgivable betrayal. he had seen you talking to his brother, sae, and rin was quick to act out of pure rage and jealousy.
“you were flirting with my fucking brother!” he spat out, and he knew it was irrational.
he knew he was wrong about and that you would never be able to do that to him, but his years of pent up frustration and hatred towards his brother made it impossible to remember his trust in you.
“and i already told you i wasn’t, rin. i was talking to him. i bumped into him at the coffee shop while i was getting your usual morning drink when he saw me and i sat down for a little chat! that was all, baby. believe me.”
you deserved an award with how well you held up, with how patient you were with him despite his hurtful accusations towards you.
no one else understood him like you did, and you knew to be more patient with him in times like these. you were aware of how his brother affected him and how he just needed someone to stick with him through it.
“well, fuck that! you shouldn’t have been with him in the first place! sae wants everything that i have and now, he’s tryna get you too!”
it almost made you flinch, with his tone rising and his voice getting louder. he is furious, and you try to disregard the sting of his words now that his fury is directed at you.
“i’m sorry, alright? it wasn’t my intention to hurt you, rin. he’s your brother and i thought it would be nice to ask him how he is and—“
rin cut you off like he couldn’t comprehend a word that you were saying. “that’s bullshit and you know it! just fuckin’ tell me the truth! that like everyone and everything else, you’re gonna leave me for him!”
it frustrated you that he blocked all your explanations out. you were growing weary with the accusations thrown at you, but you continued. you continued to reason with him because you knew him. you knew he needed someone to stay. and above all, you tried further because you were in love with him.
you loved rin three years before you finally got together. your two years together made that five. that was five years of your life being deeply in love with someone whom you thought was going to be your husband and the father of your kids.
that amount of time may not be much when viewed through the generations of people who loved each other, but for the both of you, those five years were enough to build a life and create an ideal future with the other.
so, yeah. it never occurred to you to give up in that argument. there was no chance in hell that you would leave him high and dry.
“it’s not like that, rin. i am never going to leave you for anyone, much less for your brother! i need you to listen to me! we talked! that’s it!”
“you’re lying to me. i know it.”
you shake your head in exhaustion. “i talk, and i talk, and i talk—and you don’t hear a thing.” a lone tear falls from your eye without realizing.
his sharp stare does not falter. all he could see was red. the scene of you and sae together replayed over and over again in his mind.
you, the person he loved most, with the person who took everything away from him. it killed him to imagine a future where it is not you and him, but you and sae.
“i’m in love with you. only you. i cannot see myself with anyone else and i thought you knew that, rin. i get that your brother strikes a vein in you but don’t i at least deserve to be heard? we’re better than this.”
“yeah? and i thought you’d be better than acquainting with sae like that. you knew how i felt about him, and you did this? fuck that.”
rin walked out on you that night without another word. it felt like he also walked out on your relationship because he started training more. this meant leaving before you even woke up and going home when you were fast asleep.
during those weeks when rin avoided you like the plague despite living under one roof, you felt completely alone and isolated. you were lonely. he spoke to you in words, and he treated you as if your encounter with sae was enough for him to give it all up.
until one day, he comes home to a living room full of bags and boxes. you were there, waiting for him with a tired smile on your face.
for the first time, rin realized that the black circles under your eyes have grown where they weren’t before. he noticed that you are all cried out and now, you’ve got no tears to shed as you leave him.
“w-what’s all this?”
“i’m leaving. i’m sorry for not getting out of your hair faster. it was really hard to look for another apartment that was within my budget but don’t worry, i figured it out.”
“leaving? leaving me? leaving… this house?” which one is it? or fuck, is it both?
“mhm. i f-figured it’s not healthy for us to live under the same roof after everything. i wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable in your own space just because i’m here, so…”
did you really think he wanted you to leave? he wanted to explain. he wanted to tell you that he only acted that way because he was hurt and he was guilty! you don’t have to leave!
but he’s frozen from where he stood. the sight of all your stuff packed up and ready to go was a little bit too much for him.
you stood from where you were seated among the bags and boxes, and you stop in front of him. again, you smile gracefully, in contrast to the breaking heart that almost killed you.
“and rin? i’m sorry again for what happened with sae. i should’ve known better than to do that to you, and i understand that you don’t want to do anything with me because of that.”
he shook his head but you missed it because you walked past him with some of your bags in your hand. “y/n, no. i—“
you hear it and for a moment, you delude yourself into thinking that he will ask you to stay. but he doesn’t continue.
he stops because how could he ask you to stay after how he treated you? it was his fault for not listening and in the end, it was you who apologized? in what fucking universe do i deserve this angel, huh?
he doesn’t stop you from leaving because in that very moment, the thought of you finally escaping from him and his hurtful treatment towards you didn’t seem so bad.
“so, i guess… i’ll see you around. nagi will be around to grab my remaining stuff, so try not to kill each other, yeah?” you try to play it off cool, mask the fact that inside, everything is falling apart.
rin nods but he stayed with his back facing you. until the end, he did not have the guts to face you. to face what he had done to you and your relationship.
suddenly, everything grew cold. everything lost their color. the empty corners of where your warmth used to be mocked him.
for nearly a year since then, he has lived and suffered with the mistakes he did. he didn’t know what to tell people when they started asking about you. he didn’t know how to ride the train without holding your hand. he didn’t know how to be soaked in the shower without letting his tears flow freely.
he wondered endlessly as he daydreamed of speaking to you again: are you hurting too, or is it just me?
his endless running brings him to your street where you moved when you left him. his feet takes him farther than he expected because this street is on the opposite part of town from your shared apartment, a telltale sign that you tried to get as far away as possible.
evidently, it is not far enough because on your way home from the convenience store, you run into your ex-boyfriend. rin is first to notice your presence, and instead of freezing up like he did when you left, he walks up to you.
“rin?” you are confused and nervous. after all, the last time you had seen him was almost a year ago. you never tried to see him again.
“it hurts.”
the two words he just confessed are two words that he has never said together in a sentence ever in his life. itoshi rin never admits it when something is hurting him. he never tells anyone when he is in pain.
for him to say that now, it is a cry for you to soothe him in a way that only you could, and you know this because you know him better than the back of your hand.
standing a meter away from you underneath a street lamp, itoshi rin confesses his truth.
“it hurts, y/n. it hurts without you. it feels like i can’t breathe. it is so cold without you. it hurts so badly. i thought i could live with it eventually—but i can’t. it only gets worse.”
rin sees your shoulders shake in your attempt to conceal your sobs but you are failing miserably, and so does he. you don’t say anything and rin figures that’s fair.
you already tried to talk. you already told him everything you needed to hear on the night of the fight that ruined your relationship. it’s his turn to tell you everything you deserve to hear.
but he isn’t as good as you when it comes to words. he thinks about how he accused you of cheating on him. he thinks about how he shut you out and left you feeling lonely. he thinks about every day that he could have chased after you but didn’t. he thinks about all of that and he thinks about how he’s sorry.
and he manages to get that last part out, hoping that you would get it. hoping that the deep-rooted connection between the two of you is enough to let you know what he means.
“i’m sorry.”
you drop your groceries to the ground and you close the meter of distance between the two of you. you welcome him in his arms but he wraps his arms around you tighter than you welcomed him, because he is afraid that if he doesn’t, he will lose you again.
“that is all i needed to hear from you, rin. i never wanted much from you. just you and your love. i just needed to know that you still felt that for me, and when i didn’t… i had no other choice to walk away.”
rin nods against your neck and you feel his tears staining your shoulder. “i’m sorry. forgive me, please. i love you. i love you. and i trust you. more than anyone, baby. i promise.”
“you know i could never hurt you like you thought i did—“ you recalled, but rin cuts you off because he can’t bear another second of you defending yourself when you shouldn’t be.
“i know. i know.”
his embrace around you tightens, and he does not care if anyone could look out from their windows and see the soccer star practically begging for you in the middle of the night. not when he is in your arms again after months of only dreaming about it and wishing for it.
“it hurt too much without you too, rin. i had to remind myself that i can’t run to you for warmth. i took everything in me not to throw away my dignity to beg you to bring me back.”
that answers his question.
in his absence, you were hurting too. your separation killed you just like how it killed him.
“no. no—don’t have to beg for it, baby. i should be on my knees to thank you for even taking me back like this because—shit—i swear that i wouldn’t have lasted another day.”
you run your hands through his hair before briefly pulling away to cup his cheek in your hands, and he fondly leans on your touch.
“for the entire year, i thought it was just me who longed for you, rin.”
you couldn’t be any more wrong.
“i begged the stars and the skies for this very moment. it wasn’t just you.”
wherein ran haitani knows he has to let you go but he just can’t. he is aware that you’re hurting because of him but he chooses to string you along—until you finally decide that enough is enough.
pairing : bonten!ran x reader
content : fwb to lovers. angst to comfort. sfw but has allusions to sleeping together. reader with she/her pronouns. ran is a good brother. groveling. inspired by renegade by taylor swift!
he has never felt this way before.
no one has ever made him want to fix himself up. there is no other person who has made him wish that he had a better past so he can be a better person in the present.
ran haitani has never considered the thought of compromising and adjusting himself for one person until he met you—the bane of his damn existence.
not a single soul in his pathetic, dull world could make him feel the way you do. that is exactly why he is guarding his heart more than he ever has, because he smells the danger that comes with you, the danger of falling in love and getting hurt beyond repair.
he met you a year ago and you have been by his side since then, but he has not given you his heart. you sleep beside him on most nights when he needs you, but he keeps you on arms length when it comes to affection.
you hold his hand when it shakes with his anxiety but he refuses to grip you just as hard. you kiss his jaw when it tenses with his annoyance but you don’t miss the way he pulls away whenever you do so.
your bodies are intimate with each other most nights but while your heart is all laid out for him to take, his is the opposite. his heart is guarded by a strong wall that he never lets down. a wall you can’t seem to get past.
but lately, he can feel the guards on his heart wavering. and lately, he doesn’t want to see you because ran knows he is close to breaking down everything to let you in.
the past months, he has been wanting to whisper the three words to you when he is in your bed. he finds himself wanting to hold your hand when you walk side by side. he catches himself craving your warmth when the nights are cold. he wants to hold your hand as tight as you hold his. he longs to kiss you back when you kiss his demons away.
suddenly, he wants you.
he can’t have that. his irrational fear of losing rindou someday is already too much to bear. he can’t afford to fear losing another person.
he can’t. he shouldn’t.
he knows all that, but he can’t let you go.
he can’t give you everything, he refuses to let you in, but he somehow chooses to keep you.
in every passing day, it kills the life in you. it ignites the doubts and the insecurities you always had. it forms huge question marks in your head and it drives you insane.
“what am i doing wrong, ran?” your breath shakes and ran notices it as you are resting your head on his chest on the sofa where you both had fallen asleep an hour ago.
he swears his heart skips a beat when he hears you start the conversation that he has been dreading since he realized he might have something deeper in store for you.
this man knows exactly what you are talking about, but he decides to play dumb. “what do you mean?”
somehow, he wishes that there is a way to divert the topic and stray from this conversation that he knows is never going to end well. a conversation that can possibly change everything you both have.
“i want to know what i’m doing wrong, or what is not enough. what else do i need to do.. for you to open up your heart for me?”
he refuses to look at your eyes when you sit properly to look at him. he keeps his head turned away from you because seeing your tearful face will not do him good.
“it’s not what you’re doing wrong. there’s nothing else you could do. i just…” fuck, he curses in his mind. “i just want it this way.”
“what way, haitani? stringing me along?”
“we never agreed to having feelings—“
you cut him off before he can even spew out his bullshits. “but you know that’s not the case for me! i love you, and i understand that you don’t feel the same…”
ran squeezes his eyes shut because your last sentence just doesn’t seem right. he knows that you are in love with him and most of the time, he uses that to his advantage. but for you to believe that he doesn’t love you?
it doesn’t feel right.
it’s not right.
“…and that’s alright, really. i understand that you don’t feel the same, but ran, i think this set up between us will work better if you do it with others.”
this alarms him and he now has his eyes on you. there are tears threatening from your eyes as you stare at him like he hung the stars in the sky, as if he is not breaking your heart in this very moment.
“what do you mean?” ran asks in a controlled voice but he fails to mask the fear that is laced with it. he is terrified of the implications of what you just said. he can’t accept it.
“i’m just saying—this friends with benefits thing? it won’t work with us anymore because i love you. you can… find other people… to do this with, because i can’t do it any longer.”
his eyes start to sting from the tears that suddenly want to burst out of the dam. his fear is becoming more and more true as the conversation progresses and ran just wants to go back to an hour before when you were all cuddled up in his arms.
still, he knows it’s unfair. while he was peacefully holding you, it is now clear that the questions you had in your made were plaguing you. while he was alright, he was also breaking your heart.
“what are you saying to me?” he needs to hear it from you directly. it is going to break his heart but he wants to hear it anyway.
“let me go.”
he knows he has to.
he knows you’re right.
he knows keeping you here will only hurt you.
he knows. he knows. he knows. but still—
“what if i don’t want to?”
that was the trigger for you to break down and release the tears and broken sobs you have been suppressing.
“then, make me understand why you can hold me like this but not give me your heart. make me understand. please, ran. if you can’t let me go, at least help me understand why i’m here.”
ran curses himself as he can quite literally feel his heart being powdered into fine pieces while he watches you beg for him. for his heart. a heart that has been battered and bruised through the years but you love anyway.
“y-you know that i try to give you what you n-need,” his voice breaks so he pauses, “but you also know what i’ve been through. what i’m afraid of. you know everything.”
you shake your head. “is it really your past and your fears that keep you from giving me everything, or do you just not want to?”
he can’t come up with an answer.
“let me go. please, let me go.”
he grips your hand when you try to stand up in a feeble attempt to make you stay. his last resort. his desperation reeks in the way he squeezes your hand.
“i can’t do that. ask me for anything but that, please,” his voice breaks once again.
“but can you love me? can you give me everything? your heart, your secrets, your desires? can you love me enough to let down your walls for me, ran?”
he doesn’t answer, and you smile sadly. there goes your answer—his silence. it has always spoken for him when his words fail him.
at this point, you are just tired. you have no fight left in you. you fulfill the promise you made to yourself when you said you will accept whatever he says and erase yourself from his life gracefully.
ran sees that and he regrets not noticing when you decided to ask him to let you go.
“then, for the sake of the both of us, i beg you to please let me go.”
the daggers that rindou throws at his older brother through his eyes could kill. his blood boils as he watches ran drown himself in alcohol because of some stupid shit he brought upon himself.
“tell me again why you fuckin’ let her go. ‘cuz i can’t understand why you’re sulking like a little girl and poisoning yourself with damn alcohol when it was you who pushed her away.”
the sarcastic tone is not appreciated by ran and he glares at his younger brother in return.
“you just don’t get it, do you? you know our life! she doesn’t fit here! she’s too good for this shit! and what do i do if she gets hurt because of this hellhole, huh? what, then?”
rindou raises an eyebrow, “she literally knew the dangers that came with your life when she decided to love you. save your excuses. you’re just fucking stupid.”
ran stares into space as he takes that in. after a few moments, he speaks. “i’m scared that i’ll lose her.”
the younger haitani laughs maniacally without humor. “well, news flash, you already did—“
“fucker. she’s still in this world, isn’t she?”
“guess so.”
“that’s what i mean. i’d rather not have her in my arms than to lose her in this goddamn pitiful world.”
ran takes another shot from his whiskey and rindou stands up to take the bottle away from his godforsaken brother.
“give me that—!”
“if she was mine, i’d just keep her by my side and love her, and not let anyone lay a finger on her. you underestimate bonten and its capability to protect your girl.”
ran mumbles drunkenly as he gives up trying to get back his stolen bottle. he rests his head on the backrest of the sofa he is on.
“you don’t know shit, rin.”
“nah. i fuckin’ know ‘ya. these are all excuses. you’re making all these up to cover up the fact that you blame yourself for the life we lived and now, you think you don’t deserve her.”
the older haitani starts to tear up at the memory of not being able to give his brother a more decent life when they were younger. he remembers the days when he almost lost rindou to a rival gang because he failed to come home on time.
“the fuck are you? my shrink?” he asks in the middle of his silent crying. rindou sees that and he feels a pinch in his heart for his brother who has always been scared of losing him.
it is rindou’s turn to take a shot from the whiskey, to gain courage for what he is about to say. “i’m your brother. i know it when my brother hates himself.”
“what does that have to do with anything?”
“i wanna tell you that you don’t have to. you gave me a life full of pretty cool memories so stop beating yourself up. get your damn girl so i won’t have to watch this pathetic display!”
ran wants to blame his emotions on the alcohol but the words of his brother really are the cause of his tears. he suddenly feels forgiven. vindicated, even—from the regrets he harbors against himself.
his younger brother feels that he is closer to getting ran to listen to him, so he pushes.
“she loves you. i saw it with my own eyes, ran. she is in love with you. while you hated yourself, you were demolishing her. just fuckin’ forgive yourself and love her, damn it!”
that night, for the first time in his life, thinks that maybe it was not his fault that he and his brother had lived a difficult life. for the first time, he considers the thought that maybe, he deserves to have your love after all.
you open your door at five in the morning after being woken up by continuous rings on your doorbell, and as if that isn’t enough, there are even accompanied by impatient knocks on your door.
“i swear to god, if this isn’t worth waking me up in these ungodly hours—ran?”
he had just barely sobered himself up but he had to run to you before cowardice gets the best of him. he just had to tell you right now.
“i love you.”
“ran, what—“
he sucks in a huge breath, preparing to speak in one long breath-hold. “i am in love with you. i fell in love with you way before you fell in love with me but i was too scared to admit that. i was afraid that i didn’t deserve you. i was terrified that loving you would mean more hurt for me—but here’s the truth now. here is my truth. fuck my anxieties. fuck everything. i need you. i want you.”
you open the door more widely and you take in his cheeks with your hands, and he relishes in the feel of your warmth for the first time since you walked out of his penthouse a month ago.
“i’m sorry for what i put you through. i’m sorry for hurting you. i can’t promise that i won’t hurt you but i promise that i will actively try not to do that intentionally.”
“i never blamed you for what i felt, ran.”
an angel is what you are. an angel that he is starting to accept that a fallen one like him deserves. an angel for him.
“i will give you everything, y/n. i will give you my heart because i want to. because i need to. i can’t breathe without you. take me back. please, tell me that you’ll take me back.”
it is an easy decision for you. he is shaking in your hands and there is nothing else to do but finally welcome him in your arms again.
there is no other choice but to take him back because it finally makes sense why you always felt like he felt the same love for you. you finally understand why. your questions are finally answered—how can you refuse him?
ran falls apart in your arms, and he embraces you tighter than you hugged him. he holds you tight in fear that he might lose you again. he wraps you tight in his arms so you won’t slip away like a dream that ends.
“i’ve only ever wished for you to come around, ran. you should know by now that i will stay with you in spite of your past, in spite of your regrets, in spite the way you feel about yourself. i’m here to stay, if you love me.”
he no longer has to say it. the way he keeps his face in the crook of your neck and leaving revered kisses at the back of your ear is enough to let you know that he does.
“my heart was only guarded so much when it came to you because it knew that it belonged to you. i’m letting down my guards, baby.”
you slightly pull away so you can look at his eyes. the eyes that you used to wish upon a star are now staring back at you with the same adoration and love.
“that’s everything i need to hear, ran.”
“i am in love with you.”
you smile, “and that.”
“i don’t want you to be my future history. i want you with me forever. i want people to know us, that i belong to you and you to me.”
“that, too.”
you tiptoe to kiss his jaw and he shifts his head so he can reach your lips instead. relief washes over him when it dawns on him that this is real. you are real, and this time, he won’t mess it up.
the missiles he used to fire will be replaced by your gentleness and love, and that’s the kind of change that he can live with. because it’s you.
you always worry for sae and he always worries that he might lose you. when everything spins out of control, when his lies come crashing down on him, and when he is confronted by his fear—he has you to slow it all down.
pairing : itoshi sae x reader
content : hurt and comfort. inspired by the fray’s look after you. no manga spoilers. keeping of secrets. multiple injuries.
your boyfriend sometimes forgets that he is just human. he disregards all limitations and challenges boundaries that would have been extraordinary and great if it doesn’t worry you.
but it does—it worries you. the actions that his fans and the media label as out of this world are the same actions that inflict pain on him.
on your itoshi sae.
it broke your heart when he had to exert more effort than most at the start of his international career just to prove that he is as good as the european players. it was disheartening to see that even after he has proven that he is better than all of the midfielders in his league, he was then criticized by his own country for leaving.
welcoming him and his tired eyes home will never not tug at the chords of your heart but you do it anyway.
massaging his limbs to release tension and hearing him groan in pain will never not bring tears to your eyes but you offer it to him anyway.
embracing him to sleep and watching his face contort in fatigue will never not make you want to keep him in your arms forever but you let him go in the morning anyway.
it hurt, over and over again, yes—but you followed him to the ends of the earth. you followed him to spain because no matter how much it hurt, you knew that football made him happy. his happiness was yours, too.
you do your best to let your encouragement shine through and overshadow your worries so that it will make everything better for sae. the smile and the kiss you send him off with in the morning are nothing short of love and support.
but it doesn’t remove the fact that his career scares you. it terrifies you that one day, he’ll get hurt. your nightmares lately are composed of scenarios wherein sae gets himself hurt and there is nothing you could do to change it.
you’re worried and you’re scared, but you will wake him up anyway to start his day—because that is what you’re here for. to support him and help him live his dreams.
“sae, love?” you gently move the stray hairs away from his face and caress his arms to wake him up. “it’s time to get up.”
your boyfriend gives out a small hum of acknowledgement and he pulls you close to give you a loving kiss on the temple.
“good morning. thank you for waking me up.”
without another word, he gets up and gets ready for his morning jog. when he finally leaves for practice, all you could do was watch his car leave the driveway and pray to the heavens that sae would come home to you in a better state that the night before.
later that evening, sae comes home exhausted like always. you noticed that there was a slight limp to his walk but the next time you look, it was gone.
“everything okay?” you asked as you welcome him at the doorway. he shrugged off his coat and places a quick kiss to your forehead before walking past you.
it was complete silence from his part but you are not one to give up easily, especially not when it comes to him. “are you alright, love?”
he sits down on the sofa and wipes his face with both his hands in obvious frustration.
this makes your eyebrows furrow in concern and you immediately throw yourself on his lap, which he welcomes, and he wraps an arm around your waist.
“nothing’s wrong. just… tired.”
“are you lying to me?” you ask genuinely. “tell me the truth. what happened?”
sae hides his face in the crook of your neck and his breath tickles you but you could not care less when he’s clearly bothered about something. in return, you run your fingers through his hair in an attempt to comfort him.
“i’m not lying, baby. it was a bad day at practice and didn’t get the results i wanted. i’ll try again tomorrow so it’s not a big deal.”
you let it go and accept the truth, but what you do not know is that sae got a mild injury in his left ankle when someone had purposely toppled him over. he was worried you might see it and he did his best to conceal it.
“don’t worry about me, hm? i’m fine, but i’ll be so much better once i taste what you cooked for me tonight,” he says with a gentle smile on his face. you mirror it because how could you not?
sae gives your waist an assuring squeeze before you both stand up to go the dining room and go about your night with each other.
he knows how much you worry. he knows how much you have sacrificed to support him in his dream. he knows how much you hurt.
sae is also a man with a lot of worries, so he understands you. he lives in his head more than he lets on and he would never voice it out.
he worries he might not be good enough. he worries he made the wrong decision of leaving him. he worries that his relationship with his brother can no longer be repaired. he worries that you will wake up one day and realize this is not worth leaving him for. he worries that he will lose you.
he is worried because while he tries to manage a lot of things, the things that matter most to him are out of his control, and that haunts him wherever he goes.
sae had managed to keep himself away from more damage to keep you from unnecessary worry. he had also successfully kept his injury a secret from you—until the day you were both at the airport bound to japan.
his phone lights up with a notification from a message while he is fetching some food for you. see, it was never a big deal for the both of you to go through each other’s phones. you knew his password and he knew yours.
so, you open the message for him. much to your surprise, it us a message from sae’s physical therapist, saying: sae, your scans came back and despite recovering from your recent injury, i do not advise you to play in this weekend’s match in japan just yet.
your heart sinks to your stomach and it goes wild with all of the questions running through your brain.
“what injury?” you whisper to yourself.
the last injury sae had that you know of was in barcelona and that was over a year ago. that was the most recent one and he had been cleared to play! he recovered from it well! you were there at the doctor’s office with him in every appointment when he had that injury!
your head is throbbing with all of the stress brought by the unanswered questions in your head that only your boyfriend can answer.
as if on cue, sae arrived with your food on his hands. “baby, they didn’t have the flatbread that you asked for but i knew to get—hey, hey, what’s wrong?”
in the blink of an eye, sae is kneeling on the floor at your aid and looking up at you to search your face for answers. you raise his phone that flashes the text message.
his eyes widens in shock, or perhaps, guilt. “i-it could just be a misdirected text or something,” he tries to reason with you.
no—he tries to lie to you.
he knows it’s wrong, but god, he can’t afford to let you know about this now. not when you’re so excited to fly to japan for a game and have a taste of home after so long!
“if you lie to me one more time, sae, i don’t think i can take this anymore. just tell me the damn truth! when were you hurt?!”
your voice shakes but it is demanding. it is a result of the many years you spent waiting for him to come home to you in one peace. it is a manifestation of all your nightmares combined.
it brings sae to sit down next to you and take your hand in his, to try and make the blow as soft as possible. he looks down to your intertwined fingers, as if for courage, while you stare at his crestfallen face.
“last month. when you had asked me what was wrong, and i told you it was just a bad day. i lied. i didn’t want to hide it but—“
“but what? sae, we talked about this! that i followed you here so i could be with you every step of the way! this,” you motion between the two of you, “this is not letting me be with you in every step of the way! this is shutting me out!”
“i didn’t want you worry for me!” his tone becomes defensive but he doesn’t mean for it to come out that way.
his words are like a trigger to a bursting dam of your tears. they start to fall one after the other, and they don’t stop.
“i worry for you either way! i worry every day of my life that i feel like i will die early because of it! i take care of you because you don’t do that for yourself! i worry, and i always will! it is unfair for you to keep this from me, sae!”
the sight of your tears are enough to break his heart into a million pieces. right now, he knows he is wrong. he knows he made the wrong call. he knows he broke the promises he made to you when he had asked you to come with him.
“i’m really sorry. i thought i was doing the right thing but i know now that i wasn’t.”
“you can tell me anything. don’t ever let my worrying get in the way of that, please? it kills me that you think you should keep these things from me. i want to be there.”
you speak again when sae cannot seem to find the right words to say. “you are not playing in this weekend’s game, sae. i’m telling you.”
he is quick to shake his head in defiance. “listen to me, yeah? i promise you. i promise that i’m alright now. my therapist is just overreacting, but i’m fine. please.”
“i-i don’t know, sae…” you are now hesitant because you know how much the next game means to him. you know that he has spent his life training for games like this, a game at home, where he can show them that leaving was not a waste of efforts after all.
he holds your hand tightly before bringing it to his lips for a kiss. “i promise. i’m okay. i’m not lying this time.”
“lie to me one more time, sae… and i don’t think i have the heart to stay through this any longer.”
he wasn’t lying, he knew he was in the condition to play but he didn’t know what would happen at the game itself.
the first ultimatum that you have given him in the length of your six-year relationship kept on replaying on his mind when his legs betrayed him at the day of the game. his past injury that he had healed from suddenly came back when an opponent tackled him to the ground.
the whole stadium shouts in shock the moment the star player rolled on the grass in sheer pain, but no one there is as heartbroken as you.
no one there is as scared as sae—as he thinks, this is it. my girlfriend is going to leave me after this. my career will be over after this. my country will praise my brother and i will go down in history as a traitor. this is the end.
the stretcher brings him to the dugout and then the ambulance, and all sae could think about is your face.
his head spins as he thinks of a life without you, an unimaginable one that he could not even stomach to imagine. yet, he is forced to do so right now. because he knows that no one is stupid enough to stay in this predicament.
it hurts. it kills him because you are his everything. whenever sae loses control and everything spins around, he had you. you always knew how to slow down the world down for him.
and now, you will leave him.
but he’s wrong. he’s wrong because he will always have you, no matter how many promises he breaks.
you will always be the one he knows. you are the same person who fell in love with him in high school. you are the same person who said yes when he asked you to move with him. you are the same person who told him that you will love him forever, even when things get hard.
“sae! sae, baby… come on, look at me.”
so, the next thing sae knows, he is pulled away from his reverie and the first thing he sees as he opens his eyes is your face. the siren of the ambulance you are both in is loud, but he cannot hear anything but your voice.
“it’s okay. it’s okay. they gave you anesthesia to keep you from feeling the pain, baby. you’re going to be okay, yeah?” you say to assure him but you do not know that the thought of losing you hurt a million times more than his injured leg.
your presence is enough for him. nothing else matters, not even his broken leg. not when you’re next to him like this. he’s sure that you are more in pain and more terrified for him than him.
for the first time in forever, a tear escapes his eyes as he finally heaves a breath of relief.
“i’m sorry, baby.”
you signal for him to stop talking and you continue crying. “it’s not your fault, sae. don’t apologize to me. let’s just make sure you’re alright, please?”
he loves you so much. he loves you for being here. he loves you for staying. he loves your for understanding him. he loves you for taking care of him. he loves you for worrying about him. he loves you for silencing his demons.
he loves you.
“i am in love with you,” he whispers loud enough for you to hear. you grip his hand and kiss his head, “i am in love with you too. i will look after you, okay? i’m here.”
sae thinks, yeah. when i’m losing my control and the city spins around, you’re the only one who knows to slow it down.
lumi’s note: i recently got a report that someone has been translating my works into another language (most likely portuguese) on tiktok. i want to ask for your help in reporting them when you come across them! i do not post anywhere else nor do i translate my posts into another language. thanks, loves! <3
manjiro sano lost you in his past life. he has had to live with the agony of seeing you fall apart at his lies of betrayal and infidelity. now that he gets the opportunity to turn back time, there is nothing he wouldn’t do to make things right.
pairing : timeleaper!mikey x reader
content : angst with comfort. second chances. major manga spoilers. confessions of cheating (but it was a lie told by mikey to push reader away). cursing. mentions of death.
mikey stands on the ledge of a rooftop of the building, looking over the city lights illuminating the night, letting the wind brush through his long hair.
he could see the people from here, albeit tiny, he can still observe everyone who passes by. there are smiles on their faces, lovers holding their hands, happily walking on the streets of tokyo aimlessly.
a sharp pain shoots through his chest when he looks beside him, ready to hold the hand of the love of his life, only to be reminded that he is entirely all by himself. it hurts, and he knows he doesn’t have the right to complain when he was the one who pushed you and everyone else away.
he is alone by choice. he distanced himself and deliberately wanted everyone to hate him by choice. that should make it all alright, that the sole reason he has nothing is him. that is what he tells himself.
no matter how self-destructive he is, there is a voice in his head that loves him, and it questions everything that has gone wrong in mikey’s life.
is it really his choice if he doesn’t like it? is it really by choice if had things been different, he wouldn’t have to do it? if he wishes he had another choice?
how is any of this fair?
how could you let them do this to you, mikey?
who gets to decide who is dangerous and not? who gets to decide who would live happily with their loved ones and those who would die alone? if there is a god out there, how is it any fair just for him to be standing on top of the world... all cold and broken?
it doesn’t make any fucking sense.
it’s all so fucking unfair.
all his life, he has done nothing but envy people for being happy, and for not being afraid to be. because whenever he’s happy, he always had to brace himself for the consequence that would come next.
his happiness was always conditional. always with a price to pay. and now he thinks he has maxed out, having experienced pure bliss with you.
the love of his goddamn pitiful life.
maybe this is payment for being too happy. for thinking you’d both have a future together. it is his punishment for ever thinking it was possible for him to be with someone as good as you.
mikey will repent for it, but he misses you so.
he misses you so much he is close to hallucinating an image of you in all the places you’ve been to together. his throat itches at the urge to scream his lungs out at being full of too much longing.
he misses you, and his skin longs for your touch, his heart for your love, and his soul for your warmth. but he can’t do anything to change that.
he closes his eyes to get rid of the sight of people living their lives just right below him, and try to get a memory of you smiling at him.
instead, he is confronted by the memory of the night when he let you go. no—it’s not just letting you go. he deliberately hurt you so you could let him go.
manjiro sano remembers it all. he remembers your betrayal-stricken eyes. he remembers your quivering lips. he remembers your hiccups in between your sobs. he remembers how he broke your heart, the very thing he promised that he wouldn’t do.
he remembers it all too well.
it sucks to be the one who remembers.
“i don’t think i heard you right, manjiro.”
your boyfriend hasn’t been coming home lately. it worries you, where he is, where he stays when he’s not home. you worry if he eats well, if he is alright and not all beaten up somewhere.
despite his behavior, you brush it off as something that he has to do. maybe he needed some time to himself. perhaps something important came up in kantou manji hang. he’s an important man, after all.
you don’t have the heart to assume something else other than that. so, the revelation he makes to you tonight as soon as you gets in the door shocks you.
“you heard me right,” he says without emotion, despite the havoc wreaking inside his body it makes him want to hurl. “i cheated on you. kissed and slept with someone else. i can’t bear to keep it from you.”
his heart is acting like a ticking time bomb. the confusion in your eyes, not believing what he just said, hurts more than if you would just scream at him and throw curses around.
she doesn’t believe me.
the expression on your face is straight. you are waiting for the punchline. it is a cruel fucking joke but you’re willing to forgive him for it if he would just say that he’s tripping.
but he doesn’t say anything. he just stands at the doorway, almost one foot outside the door because he’s so ready to leave. he’s ready to leave you and you don’t understand why.
“you’re lying.”
he shakes his head, and it was the cue for your heart to start clawing out of your ribs in the realization that he might just be telling the truth.
but he’s manjiro sano. he is yours. he has always been yours like you have been his. there is no way he could do that to you. the person who kisses your forehead goodnight could not possibly cheat on you.
“i’m not lying.”
he is lying. he hasn’t been coming home because his impulses have been worst than ever. he’s afraid he’d black out and wake up to your cold body next to him. he’s terrified that his love would not be enough to keep you safe from the danger that is himself.
he is lying, because it is physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually impossible for the man to even look at somebody else that is not you.
you are the only one he wants. you are the only one he has ever loved. that is his greatest, naked truth. and right now, he has to convince you otherwise.
how could he fucking possibly make you believe that he doesn’t love you anymore, when his entire body knows for sure that it belongs to you. only you.
“i tried to stop it, but i’ve been so fuckin’ lonely lately with all those nights alone. needed someone to keep me warm, you know.” it feels like insects are crawling underneath his skin at the disgust he feels at his own words, despite coming from a place of untruth.
in denial, it is your turn to shake your head. you even manage to crack a smile in hopes that he would return it. “mikey, p-please? i don’t get it, love. this is not a good joke. please, stop it, yeah?”
your pleas don’t fall on deaf ears. he’s willing to stop saying it over and over now only if you would believe him and just push him away.
but you’re not doing that.
see, mikey? this is how much she loves you. she loves you too much for her own good. she loves you so much she believes you’re not capable of doing this. she loves you. love her enough to let her go before you become the death of her.
“i’m not kidding. i slept with someone else, and i liked it. i wanted it to happen.”
when the realization hits you, when the coldness behind his ivory eyes supported his claims of cheating on you, you break and manjiro sano breaks with you.
he cannot bare to look at the sobs that leave the lips that he worships, nor the tears that escape the eyes that he would be a slave for.
you are hurting because of him and he knows it would happen. he wanted this to happen. better break your heart than have you die on his arms. he can’t let that happen. not in this lifetime and not in the next.
for five minutes, the only sound bouncing off the walls of your studio apartment is your wails. cries of someone who feels like they have lost everything, including faith in all that they have ever believed in.
“why…” you whisper, but loud enough for him to hear. “why would you… how could… i don’t understand. i can’t wrap my head around it.”
he wants to look away, but he doesn’t. he looks at you, bearing your broken heart to him, serving it to him on a silver platter.
mikey etches it in his mind to make sure he remembers how hurt you were, so he can pay for it in hell. he is not sure how, but he will suffer for it. he promises he will burn just to fucking pay for this—this moment, right here.
“i’ll just grab my stuff and i’ll be out before you know it.”
your eyes widen and you hurry to block his way to the bedroom. “what? no! no! you’re not leaving, mikey! we’re going to talk about this, okay? y-you can’t leave like this. this is your home. don’t go. please.”
the look he gives you is incredulous. “are you sick in the head? i cheated on you, and you want me to stay?”
you flinch at the reminder. he can’t believe it left your mind for a moment. you can’t believe it either because even though everything has been said and done, you still can’t believe it.
“everything hurts! looking at you hurts too much right now, but i need to understand! i want to hate you but i’m willing to talk about it if you have an explanation! you can call me stupid but i’m not letting you go! make me understand! just… don’t leave.”
he looks away because he can only take so much. he wants to get away from here as fast as possible so he won’t have to hear or see the aftermath of the storm he just created.
pushing past through you, you stumble in your foot following him to the bedroom where he brought out a bag that he now fills with some of his clothes. without you noticing, he grabs a hoodie of yours and leaves you one of his, along with most of his things.
“you don’t have to leave! you can say sorry right now and i will forgive you, manjiro!” you continue to sob as you reach out a hand to stop his arms from moving more.
he shoots you a weary look. “why can’t you just let me fuckin’ leave?!”
“because i might never get to see you again! as much as i can’t bare to look at you knowing what you did, i can never live knowing i’d never see you again! you will disappear! i know you!”
he wants to take you in an embrace and ask for your forgiveness for lying, but he has to stand his ground. everyone he has ever loved will die, if he doesn’t leave.
you will be in peril if he doesn’t do this. and there is nothing he wouldn’t sacrifice to keep that from happening.
“if-if you don’t have feelings the person you slept with, we can figure this out. mikey, love, i’m willing to work this out with you. j-just don’t leave.”
you just thought him how to get out of this. he is going to say it, and he is not going to mean it.
“i love them.”
if the thought of him being physically involved with someone else brought excruciating pain, this—him falling in love with someone else—was death.
mikey dies with you.
i will pay for this, baby. i will burn in hell to pay for this. i will never forgive myself for this. i promise, that i shall never be happy again after this.
at the battle of the two tomans, he finds himself begging takemichi to stay alive.
“this is why i pushed you all away, see? this is exactly what i feared would happen!” he cries out because he is exhausted.
his dark impulses are gone, but takemichi is gone, and you are gone. everyone he loves is gone, in one way or another.
he has done everything in his power to keep this from happening. he survived lonely nights, ate bland meals, and lived in isolation the past years just to keep all of you safe.
he had to watch his friends reach milestones and celebrate with each other, face hurdles together, simply hanging out as the sun sets while he does nothing but wish he was included—all of that to stop this, but it’s happening. there was nothing else he could have done but life is working against him still.
right now, he’s soaking in the blood of one of his very best friends. shinichiro is gone, emma is gone, izana is gone, draken is gone, and he doesn’t doubt that there would be a next if he keeps himself close.
why? i don’t understand. he has followed everything even when it killed him, so why?
“c’mon, takemitchi! wake the hell up, damn it!”
the people whom he once called his friends are all weeping tears of grief at the sight of the new leader of tokyo manji gang bleeding out. they won’t ever say it, but mikey is sure they are blaming him for it. everyone probably thinks they would have been better off without him, without meeting him again like this.
they all have each other, they would have been fine. but what about mikey? what about him?
do they not know?
do they not know how much he wept and how he made his house a disaster right after he went home when he saw draken laying lifelessly on the ground with three bullet holes in his body?
do they not know how much he wishes he could just be selfish for once and come home to you? so you can wipe his tears and nurse his pain?
of course, they don’t know. he never showed that to anyone. no matter how much he wished someone saw it anyway.
he had to stand by his decision, no matter how lonely the road he chose was. he would choose it again and again, if it ensures this won’t happen. but it’s happening.
and he wants nothing else but make it right.
again, again, and again.
the next time mikey opens his eyes, he is back in his childhood home. he lays awake on his bed, confused as to why he could hear shinichiro’s screams for emma to get off the couch, and the latter’s cheeky giggles.
he thinks, what a dream. i miss them so much since the day they left me. the heavens know what i’d give to go back to this day.
mikey startles when the door to his bedroom opens, revealing shinichiro.
he almost wants to cry and throw himself at his brother to hug him, but the older sibling got to open his mouth first.
“and you! when will you get up?! when it’s christmas? move it or you’ll be late for school again! that won’t be a good impression to make for your y/n, your crush!”
this dream is a little too realistic. still, he follows his brother like a good boy, completely going with the flow of this dream.
but when he steps on the floor, his foot catches a lego scattered around, and he yelps in pain. in pain.
that’s not normal in a dream, is it?
slowly, the idea of the possibility of time-leaping introduced to him by takemichi hits him. he sprints outside his room and snaps his head to the calendar.
and the year suggests that he is eight years old. a child. and this year, everyone is alive.
“emma?” he calls for his sister that he carried lifeless on his back by himself. there are now real tears in his eyes, and his sister slowly approaches him.
“hmm? are you okay, mikey?” the blondie little girl asks curiously, confused as to why mikey has literal waterfalls for an eye right now.
“will you punch me on the face real hard?”
without a second thought, emma does so, like she has been waiting for her whole life to do that. mikey grunts, but tears only continue to flow at pure happiness of this second chance.
he embraces emma in his arms. “you’re here. oh, my god. you’re really here. nii-san will protect you this time, yeah? i promise ‘ya that.”
his next thought… is none other than you.
he doesn’t bother to put on his uniform. despite shinichiro calling him to get back, he only rides his bike and pedals as fast as he can to get to school. he looks for the 2nd graders’ classroom.
and there you were. sitting all too cute and pretty on the colorful chairs of the elementary school you both attended, with a spare seat next to you that you specifically reserved for him because he is always late.
time stops for him when you raise your head to look up at him, and meet his eyes.
you are both alive, and you are both young with your whole lives ahead of you. you don’t know it yet, but this little crush thing going on between you two right now will grow into something bigger.
you have no idea that you will end up kissing him first on your last day at middle school, and move in together at eighteen.
but he knows.
he knows what went right. he knows what went wrong. and he knows what to do this time so he won’t have to let you go anymore.
so he walks up to you, and says:
“hi. you look like my girlfriend.”
you laugh it off as a poorly executed pick-up line he heard from his brother, but then again, he knows something you don’t know.
you are his girlfriend. or at least, you will be.
“manjiro, you look like you need some sleep!” you say as your cheeks flush at his line anyway, pertaining to his puffy eyes that are results of his incessant crying.
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fanfic really is. like. it really is about the community. it's about the comments. it's about the story you rip directly for your heart and bleed out on your keyboard. it's about the i loved it when you... and the i screamed when you wrote... and the keyboard smashes and the i can't believe you did that!!!! and the i'm suing you for damages like it. this is community. fanfic is literally. an act of community. the greatest act of community in fandom because it comes with such raw, overwhelming vulnerability. whether you're writing kink fic or 100k words of trauma exploration, you're just like. hi hello this is my soul please embrace it and people do. oh my gosh
i’ve been writing a mikey fic and when i saved the draft… the changes just… DISAPPEARED???? TUMBLR GIVE ME BACK MY WORK I PUT ALL MY BRAIN JUICE IN THERE . my villain origin story fr
you can argue that one of the most painful kinds of love there is, is the kind that refuses to be received. loving sanzu haruchiyo has taught you what it is like to adore someone who doesn’t think he deserves the good things in the world.
pairing : haruchiyo sanzu x reader
content : angst with comfort. mutual pining. the usual gang shenanigans. mentions of violence. inappropriate language.
growing up, you were so sure that your life would go according to plan. you will go to school and study hard, get in a prestigious university, graduate with latin honors, get a stable career, meet someone whom you will settle down with, and probably have a family if the tides ever say it’s right.
in hindsight, it was a good plan. it was commendable, and it was understandable how strict they were considering how young you were back when you mapped them all out. it really was a good plan, and you couldn’t have known that not everything would go your way.
sure, things went well for the first few steps. you got good grades and outstanding extracurriculars enough that got you into a university, albeit not your first choice (c’mon, life isn’t that kind). so far, you are still in the running for honors and the connections and experience you have accumulated basically quite assures that you’d have a decent job once you graduate.
but your luck stops there, because you fell in love with sanzu haruchiyo who can’t seem to accept it.
he does to you all the things that a lover would do for their loved one, but he never admits it. he would tip his feet to test the waters but never fully dive in.
you know deep down that he feels the same way, but years into this frenzied relation with him, you’re not so sure anymore. more often than not, you spend your nights soaking your pillows with your tears of unrequited love only to dry them off the next morning. loving haruchiyo has pushed you to do the unimaginable, to modify your plans into something where he would fit—but that is much too difficult.
he is uncontainable. the man you are so ready to give your heart and soul to is so near, but so damn unreachable. you can’t grasp him, you can’t keep him all to yourself because he is running like sand away from your tightened fingers.
you have had to scratch off your dreams of settling down and building a family because the man you’re in love with is… a blur. haruchiyo is a blur.
“what have you been doing, haru?” you ask as you approach the front steps of your dorm’s building, where sanzu was sitting on one of the steps with his head hung low, only looking up at the sound of your familiar footsteps and your voice.
“what do you mean?”
“i mean…” worriedly, you walk nearer and kneel down to level with his face and expect the cuts on it.
your face contorts into your usual expression of worry, and he hates it. he wants to flip a table and break anything on sight just for you to stop doing that expression on him.
“quit it, y/n.” he turns his face away, but you grip his chin gently and he wasn’t necessarily protesting so it was easy to keep him in place for more inspection.
“where did you get these wounds and bruises from, huh? i thought you were at home. did you get yourself into trouble again? do they hurt, haru?”
he glares at you, defensive now that you pointed out his face. he thinks he was stupid to hope that you won’t notice them or make a big deal out of them.
“just got into some stupid fight with frat boys who think they’re the shit. they’re not. you should see how they look. all black-eyed, passed out and shit.”
“them having it worse than you doesn’t make it any better.” you shake your head in disapproval, but you know better than to tell him off for doing what makes him feel alive. for now, you focus on patching him up.
he grins unseriously, “it makes it better.”
you choose to zip your mouth and no longer try to contest him to lessen the risk of having him run away again. “alright, then. i ran out of cotton swabs and antiseptics so i have to bring you to the clinic.”
the way he shoves your hand away from him does not even hurt you physically. the pain shot straight all the way to your chest where you felt it all. the pain of the rejection from him, and him alone.
“h-haru, i…” your voice trembles but you try to keep it all together. “i have to bring you there. i don’t want to leave your wounds overnight without doing anything. you need stitches. p-please. it’ll be quick. if i have to, if the nurse would let me, i would do it myself.”
he hates his scars and that is something you never fail to remember. as much as possible, you treat him fast to alleviate any pain and also… to prevent more scars that would haunt him. but if it’s just your opinion that matters, the scars he has are beautiful and you want to bury them with enough kisses to make him forget how he got them.
“let’s go, please. h-haru.”
meanwhile, you don’t notice the way sanzu shuts his eyes tightly in pure guilt at how you struggle to simply get him on board for his own sake.
“fuckin’ let it go.”
there he goes again, doing what he is best at. pushing you away and asking you not to care when it is obviously too late for that. acting like he’s too good for the love you gladly offer him.
you scoff at his attitude and stand up, leaving him sitting alone on the steps. “how could i let it go? you’re sitting in front of my building all hurt and bruised up and you think i won’t fuss over it?”
all you want to do it touch him. trace your fingertips over the red and purple marks on his face in hopes that the love you have all over you would ease the pain he carries around. hide him in your pockets so no one could ever dare lay a hand on him again.
it’s all so simple. you only wish for so little. is that all too much to ask for? to love him properly?
he looks up to shoot a sharp glare at you. “yeah! exactly! ‘cuz i only wanted some company who doesn’t act my goddamn mother!”
you don’t know it, and even he doesn’t know it, but he was lying. he went here because seeing you is his only comfort, but he doesn’t know that so he has no way of saying it. he went here because he knew exactly how you would react and he’s addicted to how it feels being cared for by you. but again, he doesn’t realize that. he acts on autopilot.
“your mother? really?” you almost spit in offense. even if he either meant it literally or in a sense that cages him, it’s both hurtful. his mother left him the way you never did, and you never meant to smother him to the point of suffocation.
“i don’t even know what you mean by that. i don’t think i want to know. but let me say this to you—if you hate it so much being taken care of, then maybe my company isn’t what you need. i will always worry about you and you want someone who doesn’t. it’s not me who you’re looking for. you don’t want me.“
he does.
god, he does.
but you don’t know it.
and he won’t say it.
he stands up to finally settle in front of you, and the way he towers over you still didn’t fail to dismantle the demons in your stomach despite the situation.
“why’d you care so much for me, hm?” he challenges you smugly, hiding the disdain he has for himself for always putting you in these situations. “come on, pretty girl. tell me why you do all this shit for me.”
a tear escapes your eye and it shakes him to the core. he is taken aback he almost forgot his lines, and for a moment when his mind went blank, he really did.
“why would you cry for someone like me?”
you stupidly and courageously meet his eye.
“don’t act like you don’t know. i have told you so many times before. i tell you all the time.”
of course, he knows that. he just wants to hear you say it again just in case he dies in his sleep tonight.
“i love you, haru. i am in love with you. that’s why. you don’t remember because you don’t want to accept it. tomorrow, you will forget that i love you. tomorrow, when you wake up, you will not know that i worry for you, night and day.”
“you’re fucking stupid,” he says. he means it. you’re stupid for daring to love someone like him. you’re stupid for setting yourself up for a huge heartbreak.
the agreement that follows doesn’t shock him.
“i know.”
sanzu haruchiyo knows about your plans. he knows all about your dreams. he knows about your dream of getting married at the beach right before the sun sets. he knows of your openness to the possibility of having children, or if not, raising corgis with your life partner. he knows, and he wants it to be with him.
but it is exactly because he knows about how passionate you are about those dreams that he cannot dare take them away from you.
he’s a criminal, a gang member, and most definitely not a husband material you could exchange vows with nor raise children with. he would make a terrible husband and a much more horrible father.
he loves you so much that he can’t risk having you compromise your plans just to fit into the shape that he is. he can’t do that to you. if he could, he would be the one to adjust but he doesn’t know how.
so, he pushes you away.
he doesn’t deserve you. his family never loved him enough, how could he ever think he could love somebody right? your love is too good, too pure, too unadulterated for his soul who has seen all the horrors of life that he could already die.
in haru’smind, you deserve to be someone who either has a phd, a jd, or an md. whatever else would work, as long as that someone has a reputable job and could provide you the life you always planned for, not someone who doesn’t even know what he would do the next day. you deserve to be with someone who knows how to raise kids or how to care for dogs, not someone who would scare any delicate being with his scars. you should be with someone that is not him—but you’re not making it any easier.
everytime you would whisper “i love you, haru” in his ears where only he could hear, snippets of a future flashes in his head. whenever you confess “i am in love with you, so much” so simply, futures of him standing on the sands of the beach, delivering his vows to you. receiving those three words from you makes him believe that he could live the life you want, because in truth, that is also what he want.
say i love you, and he will want to cross out all boxes in your bucket list with you. he wants to be a part of your plans. he wants to have your ring on his finger, your child in his arms, or your dogs on his lap. whatever the fuck you want, he wants it.
he just doesn’t think he should want it. he doesn’t think he has the right to be that selfish.
it was torturous, each step he made the night he walked away from you after you told him once again that you loved him, but he thought it was for the better because you would finally get over him.
as much as that would kill him, he would be comforted by the fact that you would be okay
on your graduation day, you complete another part of your plan, but it doesn’t feel as fulfilling you thought it would be. you think spending four grueling years in university and finishing with honors would somehow send you off in a high, but that is not the case.
you are surrounded by all the people who love you, but your eyes search for the only one who doesn’t.
your friends and family don’t understand why you love him as much as you do, but that is only because they don’t know what only you and sanzu know.
nobody else knows the midnights you stay awake due to your really bad craps and sanzu sneaking past the dormitory guard to bring you supplies.
they don’t understand because they weren’t there when sanzu ran barefoot in his panic to the alley you nervously called him to when you thought you were being followed by a sketchy guy.
no one else but sanzu was around when you got sick during finals week and couldn’t hold up on your own so he cooked your meals as best as he can, changed the wet towel on your forehead every thirty minutes, helped you dress up, reminded you of the things you tried hard to study, and dragged you to class.
your love cannot be understood by someone who didn’t see how sanzu held you when you cried over the death of the dog you grew up with and the little funeral he set up with only the two of you.
they cannot possibly make sense of the amount of affection you have for the man if they weren’t in the room where sanzu first mumbled some unclear words that sounded so closely to i love you with your name attached to it in his sleep.
you stop trying to make them understand why you want to get out of your graduation party to run to the person who wasn’t there.
as you stride towards the street where sanzu’s apartment is to come and see him on this special day, you see him as soon as you turned the corner. you were quick to spot him, but he saw you first.
with a good six meters between you, you stand staring at each other in the middle of the busy street. you look at the other’s eyes like there’s no one else around. the feeling of longing and the familiar fucking sensation of being in love with him for too long burns your throat, like flowers are growing out of your lungs but you find yourself addicted to them.
your haru also stands still to stare at you, who is all covered in a huge coat that buries your body, and the intention in your eyes gives away that you are there for him. he disappears for months and on your graduation day that he is so painfully aware of, you go to him? how stupid can you be?
why are you here? he left you so you could move on.
damn woman. you can’t move on like this. i can’t forget you like this. i can no longer let you go like this. i will want to keep you all to myself like this.
how many times does he have to push you away for you to give up on him? he has lost count already, and surely you had too. you are always on the receiving end of his rejections and yet you willingly find him wherever he is, to the ends of the earth?
he thinks he has never loved you as much as he loved you in that moment. and he thinks he will love you even more if you close the distance.
because you know he never will, you do it yourself. you take the first step to swallow the distance he so carefully placed at the expense of his own heart just to protect your future. you take the remaining steps that would make it impossible for the both of you to move on from the intensity of this love affair.
sanzu haruchiyo wants to kneel on the concrete and raise his hands in both worship and blame at the god who created you to love him as much as this.
when you stop in front of him, he is still frozen but his eyes are warm. he is slowly seeping in the warmth you have always been trying to share with him.
“what are you doing here?” he asks, but not coldly. he asks because he wants to make sure you’re real.
“i didn’t want this day to end without you. it doesn’t feel right, haru. i want you there. more than anyone.”
a pause. you can already predict what he’d ask next.
“why?”
you never get tired of answering that question.
no matter how many times he rejects you, you still believe he deserves to hear them. you always go back to him because you know he deserves the love you are trying to give him. you always seek him because you know him too much to give up.
“because i’m in love with you.”
he doesn’t laugh this time, he doesn’t roll his eyes, he doesn’t tell you you’re wrong, he doesn’t tell you that you’re stupid. he only closes his eyes and accepts your hands that cup his cheeks, bringing his hands on top of them along the process.
“you cannot say or do anything that could change it. you can curse me, push me away, and hide from me, or even not see me ever again… but i will always do.”
he sheds a tear at your words.
the next time he speaks, his voice breaks. probably at the weight of the words and of the confession he cradled in secret for years.
“i love you, y/n. so fucking much i can’t wrap my head around it. my heart… feels like it only beats for you to the point where it feels like a fuckin’ sin.”
he doesn’t let you interrupt.
“it’s so easy loving you. but you love me. that’s where it gets complicated, baby. it’s so hard, y/n. it’s hard loving me. my family told me so. my friends tell me so. everyone i meet tell me it’s so… damn… difficult to love someone like me.”
you shake your head and will him to open his eyes, and he does. you look straight into them, making sure he would see the truth you have always held for him in your pupils that could only see him.
“it’s not. it’s not hard, haru. i love you, i love you as natural as i breathe. i love you like how my heart beats and how my blood runs in my veins. it’s not hard. i do it all the time. i love you all the time.”
it is his turn to shake his head. you love him too much to even mind how complicated he really is.
you only make it look easy even when he is hard to love, but he’ll take it. in all his greed and selfishness, he’ll accept it this time.
he will spend the rest of his life filling your life with love, happiness, and adoration to atone for it.
for now, he’ll cherish the softness of your lips and etch into his memory how perfectly they fit with his at the very first time they touch.
Hello can I request a nagi x reader shopping at the mall imagine pls❤️.
shopping with seishiro nagi.
✺ featuring : boyfriend!nagi x reader
✺ don’t say i didn’t warn you : you take your boyfriend out to shop and it’s one of the hardest things you ever had to endure. come on, it’s nagi. he’s a big baby. what did you expect, really?
“don’t wanna!” your six foot three tall boyfriend whines in the passenger seat, profoundly refusing to leave the comfort of the leather cushions now that you have arrived at the mall.
“what are you, three?”
“it’s so comfortable here. try it and see what i mean.”
you can’t help but glare at him because getting him to get out of bed was already taxing enough, and you were kind to offer to drive so he could take it easy on his day-off from practice, and now you have to basically drag him out of the car too?
“sei, i love you so much but you’re really starting to piss me off,” you say sternly and pull his arm to get him to quit staying comfortable on the seat.
“noooo. don’t wanna piss my pretty baby off.”
he groans while keeping his eyes closed, because he is just too comfortable. now that you held his arm, he tried pulling you to his lap to try and cuddle you instead, hoping you’d be open to the idea.
“baby, just wanted to stay at home with you today. to sleep… and cuddle… and sleep.. and cuddle! see! you’re so, so warm!”
whenever he acts like this, you are conflicted between wanting to just baby him and wanting to punch his face for acting like a baby.
most of the time, you give up and just melt into the cuddle he so adamantly offers you. but this time, with thanksgiving and christmas coming up, you really had to start shopping for gifts and getting cozy with your big baby boyfriend could wait a while.
you succeed in pulling him out of the car but as you enter the mall and stroll along the hallways, nagi just clings on to you like a koala on your back. he literally has his arms around your upper body and his nose nuzzled in your neck, effectively complicating the walking process.
“seishiro, people are staring.”
“mhm? that’s ‘cause you’re so beautiful.”
you roll your eyes because his eyes aren’t even focused at all. it’s either he’s closing them or looking at your face. there is no in between.
“stupid. it’s because you’re latching on to me like that. you’re literally a famous athlete, so there should be no surprise if we see ourselves at a headline. do me a favor and please be a normal person for once?”
“what’s a normal person do?”
“not walk behind me like that? just…” you grab him and get him to stand on your side. he complained but he made amends by holding your hand. you hummed satisfactorily, “alright, see. that’s better.”
“it’s not,” he grumpily disagrees, followed by “you’re a pain in the ass.” which earns another death glare from you, in disbelief that he was the one to say that.
when you finally get to actual shopping, you went to the women’s section first. you think of doing him one and let him sit on the bench nearby, but to your surprise, nagi follows along still holding your hand while you scan through the selection of clothes.
“look at this long-sleeved one. it’s gonna look good on ‘ya, i bet. try it on.” he has some suggestions, although he is so close to picking out everything and handing them to you because he thinks all the clothes around you would look good on you.
nagi misses you when you go into the fitting rooms and evidently pouts when the saleslady told him he cannot follow you inside. he waits impatiently with his lips pursed and eyebrows furrowed, but he beams and lightens up when you emerge wearing the outfits he told you to try on.
“beautiful. what a fuckin’ goddess. my super duper ultra mega gorgeous baby,” he grumbles before pulling you into his arms. you notice the saleslady looking away with her face blushing, but you just laugh it off because you’re too used to this.
when you both move on to pick out something for him, he does nothing. he lets you do it for him. look at his eyes and notice that there’s no thought going on in them, except him considering how the clothes you’d choose for him will also look on you.
he hums in his head and nods. yep, she will look good borrowing all these from me. she’s too pretty.
he has behaved well for the past couple of hours, but nagi seishiro has his limits. he just wants you on his bed snuggling with him as soon as possible. after he uses his card to pay for everything, he carries all the paperbags in his right hand while his left hand is on you. he’s excited to go home and relax.
but you say, “okay! time to buy gifts for our nieces and nephews! where shall we look first?”
the man deflates. “what?”
“what?” you blink up at him in confusion, and he found that really cute so he doesn’t have the heart to stop you from shopping more.
take note that he has no idea whether the toys he bought for his nephew are suited for his age nor does the clothes fit him correctly (don’t worry, they all turned out good), but he just did everything so fast to get you all to himself for the rest of the day.
you can argue that one of the most painful kinds of love there is, is the kind that refuses to be received. loving sanzu haruchiyo has taught you what it is like to adore someone who doesn’t think he deserves the good things in the world.
pairing : haruchiyo sanzu x reader
content : angst with comfort. mutual pining. the usual gang shenanigans. mentions of violence. inappropriate language.
growing up, you were so sure that your life would go according to plan. you will go to school and study hard, get in a prestigious university, graduate with latin honors, get a stable career, meet someone whom you will settle down with, and probably have a family if the tides ever say it’s right.
in hindsight, it was a good plan. it was commendable, and it was understandable how strict they were considering how young you were back when you mapped them all out. it really was a good plan, and you couldn’t have known that not everything would go your way.
sure, things went well for the first few steps. you got good grades and outstanding extracurriculars enough that got you into a university, albeit not your first choice (c’mon, life isn’t that kind). so far, you are still in the running for honors and the connections and experience you have accumulated basically quite assures that you’d have a decent job once you graduate.
but your luck stops there, because you fell in love with sanzu haruchiyo who can’t seem to accept it.
he does to you all the things that a lover would do for their loved one, but he never admits it. he would tip his feet to test the waters but never fully dive in.
you know deep down that he feels the same way, but years into this frenzied relation with him, you’re not so sure anymore. more often than not, you spend your nights soaking your pillows with your tears of unrequited love only to dry them off the next morning. loving haruchiyo has pushed you to do the unimaginable, to modify your plans into something where he would fit—but that is much too difficult.
he is uncontainable. the man you are so ready to give your heart and soul to is so near, but so damn unreachable. you can’t grasp him, you can’t keep him all to yourself because he is running like sand away from your tightened fingers.
you have had to scratch off your dreams of settling down and building a family because the man you’re in love with is… a blur. haruchiyo is a blur.
“what have you been doing, haru?” you ask as you approach the front steps of your dorm’s building, where sanzu was sitting on one of the steps with his head hung low, only looking up at the sound of your familiar footsteps and your voice.
“what do you mean?”
“i mean…” worriedly, you walk nearer and kneel down to level with his face and expect the cuts on it.
your face contorts into your usual expression of worry, and he hates it. he wants to flip a table and break anything on sight just for you to stop doing that expression on him.
“quit it, y/n.” he turns his face away, but you grip his chin gently and he wasn’t necessarily protesting so it was easy to keep him in place for more inspection.
“where did you get these wounds and bruises from, huh? i thought you were at home. did you get yourself into trouble again? do they hurt, haru?”
he glares at you, defensive now that you pointed out his face. he thinks he was stupid to hope that you won’t notice them or make a big deal out of them.
“just got into some stupid fight with frat boys who think they’re the shit. they’re not. you should see how they look. all black-eyed, passed out and shit.”
“them having it worse than you doesn’t make it any better.” you shake your head in disapproval, but you know better than to tell him off for doing what makes him feel alive. for now, you focus on patching him up.
he grins unseriously, “it makes it better.”
you choose to zip your mouth and no longer try to contest him to lessen the risk of having him run away again. “alright, then. i ran out of cotton swabs and antiseptics so i have to bring you to the clinic.”
the way he shoves your hand away from him does not even hurt you physically. the pain shot straight all the way to your chest where you felt it all. the pain of the rejection from him, and him alone.
“h-haru, i…” your voice trembles but you try to keep it all together. “i have to bring you there. i don’t want to leave your wounds overnight without doing anything. you need stitches. p-please. it’ll be quick. if i have to, if the nurse would let me, i would do it myself.”
he hates his scars and that is something you never fail to remember. as much as possible, you treat him fast to alleviate any pain and also… to prevent more scars that would haunt him. but if it’s just your opinion that matters, the scars he has are beautiful and you want to bury them with enough kisses to make him forget how he got them.
“let’s go, please. h-haru.”
meanwhile, you don’t notice the way sanzu shuts his eyes tightly in pure guilt at how you struggle to simply get him on board for his own sake.
“fuckin’ let it go.”
there he goes again, doing what he is best at. pushing you away and asking you not to care when it is obviously too late for that. acting like he’s too good for the love you gladly offer him.
you scoff at his attitude and stand up, leaving him sitting alone on the steps. “how could i let it go? you’re sitting in front of my building all hurt and bruised up and you think i won’t fuss over it?”
all you want to do it touch him. trace your fingertips over the red and purple marks on his face in hopes that the love you have all over you would ease the pain he carries around. hide him in your pockets so no one could ever dare lay a hand on him again.
it’s all so simple. you only wish for so little. is that all too much to ask for? to love him properly?
he looks up to shoot a sharp glare at you. “yeah! exactly! ‘cuz i only wanted some company who doesn’t act my goddamn mother!”
you don’t know it, and even he doesn’t know it, but he was lying. he went here because seeing you is his only comfort, but he doesn’t know that so he has no way of saying it. he went here because he knew exactly how you would react and he’s addicted to how it feels being cared for by you. but again, he doesn’t realize that. he acts on autopilot.
“your mother? really?” you almost spit in offense. even if he either meant it literally or in a sense that cages him, it’s both hurtful. his mother left him the way you never did, and you never meant to smother him to the point of suffocation.
“i don’t even know what you mean by that. i don’t think i want to know. but let me say this to you—if you hate it so much being taken care of, then maybe my company isn’t what you need. i will always worry about you and you want someone who doesn’t. it’s not me who you’re looking for. you don’t want me.“
he does.
god, he does.
but you don’t know it.
and he won’t say it.
he stands up to finally settle in front of you, and the way he towers over you still didn’t fail to dismantle the demons in your stomach despite the situation.
“why’d you care so much for me, hm?” he challenges you smugly, hiding the disdain he has for himself for always putting you in these situations. “come on, pretty girl. tell me why you do all this shit for me.”
a tear escapes your eye and it shakes him to the core. he is taken aback he almost forgot his lines, and for a moment when his mind went blank, he really did.
“why would you cry for someone like me?”
you stupidly and courageously meet his eye.
“don’t act like you don’t know. i have told you so many times before. i tell you all the time.”
of course, he knows that. he just wants to hear you say it again just in case he dies in his sleep tonight.
“i love you, haru. i am in love with you. that’s why. you don’t remember because you don’t want to accept it. tomorrow, you will forget that i love you. tomorrow, when you wake up, you will not know that i worry for you, night and day.”
“you’re fucking stupid,” he says. he means it. you’re stupid for daring to love someone like him. you’re stupid for setting yourself up for a huge heartbreak.
the agreement that follows doesn’t shock him.
“i know.”
sanzu haruchiyo knows about your plans. he knows all about your dreams. he knows about your dream of getting married at the beach right before the sun sets. he knows of your openness to the possibility of having children, or if not, raising corgis with your life partner. he knows, and he wants it to be with him.
but it is exactly because he knows about how passionate you are about those dreams that he cannot dare take them away from you.
he’s a criminal, a gang member, and most definitely not a husband material you could exchange vows with nor raise children with. he would make a terrible husband and a much more horrible father.
he loves you so much that he can’t risk having you compromise your plans just to fit into the shape that he is. he can’t do that to you. if he could, he would be the one to adjust but he doesn’t know how.
so, he pushes you away.
he doesn’t deserve you. his family never loved him enough, how could he ever think he could love somebody right? your love is too good, too pure, too unadulterated for his soul who has seen all the horrors of life that he could already die.
in haru’smind, you deserve to be someone who either has a phd, a jd, or an md. whatever else would work, as long as that someone has a reputable job and could provide you the life you always planned for, not someone who doesn’t even know what he would do the next day. you deserve to be with someone who knows how to raise kids or how to care for dogs, not someone who would scare any delicate being with his scars. you should be with someone that is not him—but you’re not making it any easier.
everytime you would whisper “i love you, haru” in his ears where only he could hear, snippets of a future flashes in his head. whenever you confess “i am in love with you, so much” so simply, futures of him standing on the sands of the beach, delivering his vows to you. receiving those three words from you makes him believe that he could live the life you want, because in truth, that is also what he want.
say i love you, and he will want to cross out all boxes in your bucket list with you. he wants to be a part of your plans. he wants to have your ring on his finger, your child in his arms, or your dogs on his lap. whatever the fuck you want, he wants it.
he just doesn’t think he should want it. he doesn’t think he has the right to be that selfish.
it was torturous, each step he made the night he walked away from you after you told him once again that you loved him, but he thought it was for the better because you would finally get over him.
as much as that would kill him, he would be comforted by the fact that you would be okay
on your graduation day, you complete another part of your plan, but it doesn’t feel as fulfilling you thought it would be. you think spending four grueling years in university and finishing with honors would somehow send you off in a high, but that is not the case.
you are surrounded by all the people who love you, but your eyes search for the only one who doesn’t.
your friends and family don’t understand why you love him as much as you do, but that is only because they don’t know what only you and sanzu know.
nobody else knows the midnights you stay awake due to your really bad craps and sanzu sneaking past the dormitory guard to bring you supplies.
they don’t understand because they weren’t there when sanzu ran barefoot in his panic to the alley you nervously called him to when you thought you were being followed by a sketchy guy.
no one else but sanzu was around when you got sick during finals week and couldn’t hold up on your own so he cooked your meals as best as he can, changed the wet towel on your forehead every thirty minutes, helped you dress up, reminded you of the things you tried hard to study, and dragged you to class.
your love cannot be understood by someone who didn’t see how sanzu held you when you cried over the death of the dog you grew up with and the little funeral he set up with only the two of you.
they cannot possibly make sense of the amount of affection you have for the man if they weren’t in the room where sanzu first mumbled some unclear words that sounded so closely to i love you with your name attached to it in his sleep.
you stop trying to make them understand why you want to get out of your graduation party to run to the person who wasn’t there.
as you stride towards the street where sanzu’s apartment is to come and see him on this special day, you see him as soon as you turned the corner. you were quick to spot him, but he saw you first.
with a good six meters between you, you stand staring at each other in the middle of the busy street. you look at the other’s eyes like there’s no one else around. the feeling of longing and the familiar fucking sensation of being in love with him for too long burns your throat, like flowers are growing out of your lungs but you find yourself addicted to them.
your haru also stands still to stare at you, who is all covered in a huge coat that buries your body, and the intention in your eyes gives away that you are there for him. he disappears for months and on your graduation day that he is so painfully aware of, you go to him? how stupid can you be?
why are you here? he left you so you could move on.
damn woman. you can’t move on like this. i can’t forget you like this. i can no longer let you go like this. i will want to keep you all to myself like this.
how many times does he have to push you away for you to give up on him? he has lost count already, and surely you had too. you are always on the receiving end of his rejections and yet you willingly find him wherever he is, to the ends of the earth?
he thinks he has never loved you as much as he loved you in that moment. and he thinks he will love you even more if you close the distance.
because you know he never will, you do it yourself. you take the first step to swallow the distance he so carefully placed at the expense of his own heart just to protect your future. you take the remaining steps that would make it impossible for the both of you to move on from the intensity of this love affair.
sanzu haruchiyo wants to kneel on the concrete and raise his hands in both worship and blame at the god who created you to love him as much as this.
when you stop in front of him, he is still frozen but his eyes are warm. he is slowly seeping in the warmth you have always been trying to share with him.
“what are you doing here?” he asks, but not coldly. he asks because he wants to make sure you’re real.
“i didn’t want this day to end without you. it doesn’t feel right, haru. i want you there. more than anyone.”
a pause. you can already predict what he’d ask next.
“why?”
you never get tired of answering that question.
no matter how many times he rejects you, you still believe he deserves to hear them. you always go back to him because you know he deserves the love you are trying to give him. you always seek him because you know him too much to give up.
“because i’m in love with you.”
he doesn’t laugh this time, he doesn’t roll his eyes, he doesn’t tell you you’re wrong, he doesn’t tell you that you’re stupid. he only closes his eyes and accepts your hands that cup his cheeks, bringing his hands on top of them along the process.
“you cannot say or do anything that could change it. you can curse me, push me away, and hide from me, or even not see me ever again… but i will always do.”
he sheds a tear at your words.
the next time he speaks, his voice breaks. probably at the weight of the words and of the confession he cradled in secret for years.
“i love you, y/n. so fucking much i can’t wrap my head around it. my heart… feels like it only beats for you to the point where it feels like a fuckin’ sin.”
he doesn’t let you interrupt.
“it’s so easy loving you. but you love me. that’s where it gets complicated, baby. it’s so hard, y/n. it’s hard loving me. my family told me so. my friends tell me so. everyone i meet tell me it’s so… damn… difficult to love someone like me.”
you shake your head and will him to open his eyes, and he does. you look straight into them, making sure he would see the truth you have always held for him in your pupils that could only see him.
“it’s not. it’s not hard, haru. i love you, i love you as natural as i breathe. i love you like how my heart beats and how my blood runs in my veins. it’s not hard. i do it all the time. i love you all the time.”
it is his turn to shake his head. you love him too much to even mind how complicated he really is.
you only make it look easy even when he is hard to love, but he’ll take it. in all his greed and selfishness, he’ll accept it this time.
he will spend the rest of his life filling your life with love, happiness, and adoration to atone for it.
for now, he’ll cherish the softness of your lips and etch into his memory how perfectly they fit with his at the very first time they touch.
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‘m so sorry for ghosting i swear i didn’t mean it!! 🥹there’s just been a lot going on lately, but rest assured that i’ve got something brewing for you all! i’m trying to finish it up already so you can expect it anytime soon <3 missed writing for this blog sm
hello :D so alsdjkflkadskf i know absolutely nothing about tokyo revengers but i stumbled upon one of ur fics and here i am, sobbing my eyes out over characters that i don't know
hysteria aside, i wanted to let you know that i love your writing and hope you have a great day!
STAWP you’re going to make me cry :( for me, there is no greater compliment than those for my writings because i feel like you’re complimenting my brain as well! i’m grateful to have had that effect on you and pls know that ily so so much! HAVE A GREAT DAY EVERYDAY <3
waa im a little late but happy birthday darling ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡
HEYYY ❤️🔥❤️🔥 i’m so sorry that this reply came super late but then it’s better late than never! thank you soo much!! I LOVE U and i hope u have a good november ahead!
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! i Super duper hope u have a great bday! 💕 best wishes and celebrate it well WOO
aww your wishes must’ve caused my special day to be really good!! i had fun, anon! took myself out on a date and my friends surprised me at night :o thank you sm <33
