you pause for a moment, now pacing in front of him. something to distract yourself from the agitation, displace it. dog hovers in the shadow of every step. the conclave was a chance at peace, and it was quickly ruined. and that is, perhaps, why you struggle to believe him. ‘ if not for corypheus, i wouldn’t be here. i’d still be gone. i avoided the one place i was certain my presence would do no good. i fail to see why you would think differently. ’

you sigh. scrub a hand over your face. nothing will sound like the truth, you fear. ❝ it all sounds like an excuse. everything i can think to tell you, it doesn't seem like it will suffice. i. . . i was closing rifts. literal and metaphorical alike. now, it seems i've made a bigger mess of things, doesn't it? suppose the more things change, the more they stay the same. ❞

❛  after this, i'm never gonna be the same and i am never going back again. ❜

‘     if  you  had  let  go  you  would  have  let  well  enough  alone.     you  would  have  stayed  gone.     perhaps  i  should  have  as  well — but  one  of  us  needs  to  care  about  the  mess  we’ve  caused.     ’

❝ i'd thought i'd like to clean up some of the mess we've made. the mess that i have made. is that such a crime? is it so hard to believe that i'd like to do some good in this world, after all? ❞

❛  why is it forbidden to write down specific knowledge of the magics ?  ❜ ❛  perhaps we all fear that such knowledge would fall into the hands of one not worthy to use it.  ❜ ❛  the predilection for a certain type of magic is either inborn or lacking.  ❜ ❛  for the conducting of a battle, or the gathering of information, it is a most useful tool.  ❜ ❛  the wit, it is said, gave one the ability to speak the tongues of the beasts.  ❜ ❛  i know of no people who claim these magics as their own.  ❜ ❛  will not this knowledge be passed down by word of mouth to those who are worthy ?  ❜ ❛  what we take for granted now, the knowing of these things, may be a wonder & a mystery someday to our descendants.  ❜ ❛  i have gathered it, over these last few years, & stored it in my head, always intending to commit my knowledge to paper.  ❜ ❛  who am i to set my will against the wisdom of those who have gone before me ?  ❜ ❛  the hedge wizardries & legendary magics have never been mine.  ❜ ❛  have i any right to dig out their secrets & pin them to paper like so many butterflies, or leaves collected for study ?  ❜ ❛  i had not the sense nor ambition to seize what was offered.  ❜ ❛  power. i do not think i ever wanted it for its own sake.  ❜ ❛  i wince to think of the price willingly paid for loving me.  ❜ ❛  when i first met you, you were as wild & wary as a fox cub.  ❜ ❛  despite their cruelty, you cared for them. i never understood that.  ❜ ❛  i was mute witness more times than i care to remember.  ❜ ❛  these are magics i witnessed, & though i might set them down on paper, no other could ever work them with such skill.  ❜ ❛  you knew i loved you before i did.  ❜ ❛  to me, it was enough that you existed for me to love. i did not even dare to hope you might return that feeling. ❜ ❛  i wonder what would have happened if i had run after you that afternoon, if i had begged one last word of you.  ❜ ❛  i set you out of my thoughts, & spoke of you to no - one. i got on with my life.  ❜ ❛  what i found when i arrived there was a web of deceit & lies.  ❜ ❛  i do not think this was heroism.  ❜ ❛  i don’t want to live like an old man.  ❜ ❛  why can’t you heal me ?  ❜ ❛  it’s possible that i’ll be this way the rest of my life.  ❜ ❛  be easy on yourself, & see what happens. is that so terrible ?  ❜ ❛  stop defining yourself by what you can’t do. why don’t you consider what you didn’t lose ?  ❜ ❛  i’m useless. i’m worse than useless, i’m a waiting victim.  ❜ ❛  i don’t want to see him smile at what he has made me.  ❜ ❛  someone once told me that a royal bastard is kept alive only so long as he is useful.  ❜ ❛  i am pledged to the one who wears that earring.  ❜ ❛  where you go, i follow.  ❜ ❛  it is not his size that had made him both feared & respected, but his black temper & tenacity.  ❜ ❛  the fight isn’t over until you win it, [ name. ] that’s all you have to remember.  ❜ ❛  what do you forsake, if you leave this place behind ?  ❜ ❛  there are not so many folk that have cared for me, but that makes them more significant, not less.  ❜ ❛  know your heart, [ name. ]  ❜ ❛  if you’ve nothing to offer me, let me go.  ❜ ❛  i don’t think you’d want my pity. it’s a poor substitute for love.  ❜ ❛  i will seek her out, i will find her & win her.  ❜ ❛  it’s your home & your world. but it’s not mine. not anymore.  ❜ ❛  shall i go back & seek her out, like this ?  ❜ ❛  shall i ask you to love me, so i can be a burden to you ?  ❜ ❛  my heart is firm on this. if you stay, then so must i.  ❜ ❛  the only thing i know is that i can’t live up to what everyone else thinks i should do. i just can’t do it.  ❜ ❛  there isn’t enough of me left to keep my word.  ❜ ❛  in peaceful times, perhaps you would have been received with more tolerance.  ❜ ❛  i fear that his knowledge is much smaller than his opinion of it.  ❜ ❛  they called out to me with voices full of blood.  ❜ ❛  they partake of the madness of he who drives them. they can only be understood if you share that madness.  ❜ ❛  all wavers, all is change still. too much is in flux. the future spills out in all directions there.  ❜ ❛  of course, when you’re drinking & singing, you don’t see the blood. or smell the burning flesh. or hear the screams.  ❜ ❛  have you ever tried to find a rhyme for dismembered child ?  ❜ ❛  such things are better not remembered.  ❜ ❛  it was my duty to know these things, & to recall them.  ❜ ❛  a shadow like all the other shadows that came to torment me.  ❜ ❛  amazing what folk will take comfort in when there’s nothing else to hold on to.  ❜ ❛  we cannot stop what’s already happening. once it’s come to pass, it’s too late.  ❜ ❛  shall i eat & be warm, while the bodies of children are cooling in the mud ?  ❜ ❛  why should i shelter myself, while my folk are slaughtered like cattle ?  ❜ ❛  should my life be too valuable to risk now, when there is so little left of it, & all of that riddled with pain ?  ❜ ❛  he’s tried to be rid of you, not once, but thrice. do you think he’s going to welcome you back ?  ❜ ❛  if he sees an opportunity to kill us, he’ll take it.  ❜ ❛  he won’t care who suspects so long as no - one can prove it.  ❜ ❛  i feel i should be asking you what your business is here at my gate !  ❜ ❛  we spread too many rumours ourselves to give gossip any credence.  ❜ ❛  i’m alive & well; i just look like a corpse.  ❜ ❛  up there, no - one cares what side of the sheets you were born on.  ❜ ❛  [ name ], you need to find your caution again.  ❜ ❛  it’s all changed, forever now.  ❜ ❛  marriage seems to agree with you, [ name. ]  ❜ ❛  you have questions. this time, you may ask them.  ❜ ❛  he does not admire you, that you keep the laws of the kingdom. he sees it as a weakness, as a way to circumvent justice.  ❜ ❛  he may try to kill you again. almost certainly, he will make an attempt upon me.  ❜ ❛  you think i should punish him. i could. i need not prove his wrongdoing to make life unpleasant for him.  ❜ ❛  the damage you took was taken for me. i am appalled by what i allowed to befall you.  ❜ ❛  i do offer you my arm, if you wish it, to get back to your room.  ❜ ❛  [ name ] has not been at all themselves, & it’s your fault.  ❜ ❛  did you think it would make me forget how rude you’ve been in not coming to see me right away ?  ❜ ❛  where have you been, all these months, when you were needed here ?  ❜ ❛  here i am, expending all my energies to see you are treated like royalty, & there you are, avoiding all your social obligations ! ❜ ❛  tell me. have you ever considered marriage ?  ❜ ❛  is lying how you always begin with people ? it seems to be how you always end.  ❜ ❛  i dreamed of you, while i was gone.  ❜ ❛  i lost everything. should i have come to you as a beggar, hoping you’d take me in ?  ❜ ❛  i wanted to bring something to you, not come to you penniless & prospectless.  ❜ ❛  i came back like a beaten dog. & i swallowed my pride, & came up here that day, & found out how stupid i was, how you’d pretended & lied to me.  ❜ ❛  why did you find it so easy to go to them ? why didn’t you come to me first ?  ❜ ❛  thank you for bathing. it makes my task of checking on you less onerous.  ❜ ❛  i’m glad you’re awake. you snore abominably.  ❜ ❛  how touching. i can’t say i dreamed of you.  ❜ ❛  tell me what’s been happening while i was gone.  ❜ ❛  do try to do a bit better at not letting people kill you.  ❜ ❛  your behaviour that night was reprehensible.  ❜ ❛  if you were not so sick, i would be furious with you.  ❜ ❛  i assure you, for your peace of mind, that it is not at all what you seem to think it is.  ❜ ❛  bear in mind who you are.  ❜ ❛  how do you think i could ever forget that ?  ❜ ❛  it is precisely because of who you are that this is more than a misunderstanding !  ❜ ❛  is the match an acceptable one, or is it likely to cause scandal ?  ❜ ❛  remember, [ name ], that you have already sworn an oath to another.  ❜ ❛  a man whose duty is sworn to a king has little time for anyone else in his life.  ❜ ❛  i know you meant no harm, & we must see that no harm comes of it.  ❜ ❛  you have grown up amidst the gossip & intrigues of the royal court. i have not.  ❜ ❛  i need to speak to you alone. just once, just briefly, then i promise i’ll abide by your rules.  ❜ ❛  i will not have a scandal !  ❜ ❛  slowly, we could gather power, in quiet ways, with none even recognizing what they were conceding. ❜ ❛  i have had enough of intrigues, [ name ], & not fared as well at that game as i had expected to.  ❜ ❛  you did not do badly with the hand you were dealt. you survived.  ❜ ❛  your heart is good, but i do not know if you will be sufficient to the task. ❜ ❛  she is very alone here, despite those who court her favour.  ❜ ❛  we have no time to get to know one another, let alone care for one another.  ❜ ❛  i was handsome, once. & vain.  ❜ ❛  when i ruined my face, i wished myself dead.  ❜ ❛  your future may be different, but do not imagine it is yours to command.  ❜ ❛  the best course is to conduct your life in such a way the weakness never shows.  ❜ ❛  they had no right to do this to me.  ❜ ❛  did they think they could bend me to their will, use me however they would, & i would never retaliate ?  ❜ ❛  i hate you. all of you.  ❜ ❛  come, come closer. i’ll kill you.  ❜ ❛  be silent, if you want your freedom.  ❜ ❛  looks infected. think you’ll lose your hand ?  ❜ ❛  now what am i to do with you ?  ❜ ❛  a warrior’s word is still his bond.  ❜ ❛  the laws of hospitality still forbid those who have shared salt at a man’s table to shed blood on his floor.  ❜ ❛  get angry. i’d rather you were that than self - pitying.  ❜ ❛  i am sure you have other duties. why do you come to call on me each day ?  ❜ ❛  i long to do something of significance.  ❜ ❛  i know the wisdom of your course, but wisdom does not allay loneliness.  ❜ ❛  any injury done to one of my own is an injury to me.  ❜ ❛  perhaps you would care to challenge me, in a more appropriate time & place.  ❜ ❛  you are fair spoken to all, but there is too much honesty in you to make others believe you are happy when you are not.  ❜ ❛  when do i not suspect conspiracies anymore ?  ❜ ❛  do you know how easy it is to follow a man you believe in ?  ❜ ❛  how could you be so foolish as to go to far astray !  ❜ ❛  it will pass. keep a rein on yourself, & endure. it can be done.  ❜ ❛  do not think i do not appreciate such work simply because it must remain secret.  ❜ ❛  i know that there is already so much between us that nothing i could give you would be sufficient for my gratitude.  ❜ ❛  let your hearts be solemn, & consider what we do.  ❜ ❛  we have all suffered enough. let each death today be as brief & merciful as we can manage, for all our sakes.  ❜ ❛  when we have done with our grieving, we shall make ready to avenge them ! those who have taken our folk shall know our wrath !  ❜ ❛  how can you allow this to happen ?  ❜ ❛  she undermines you, she cuts your throat as you sleep ! she steals their hearts, she builds her own name !  ❜ ❛  the king will hear of this !  ❜ ❛  i must do this myself. but be close, in case i need you.  ❜ ❛  we listened to the litany of those we had lost, & if any did not weep, they had hearts of stone.  ❜ ❛  we rise, [ name ], we rise to fight !  ❜ ❛  why may not we, at least once, speak plain to one another ?  ❜ ❛  let’s hope the wine wasn’t poisoned as well, or we’re both dead.  ❜ ❛  shall we be so polite as to let him kill us all ? he will not stop until the throne is his.  ❜ ❛  you idiot ! you frightened me to death !  ❜ ❛  what do you think you’re about, rattling at my latch & sneaking about in my room ?  ❜ ❛  i cannot tell you what happened. only that it made me believe you might be in danger.  ❜ ❛  some things may be learned from words on a page, but some skills are learned first by a man’s hand & heart, & later by his head.  ❜ ❛  go to bed, & dream of me. i hope i have plagued your dreams lately as much as you have mine.  ❜ ❛  i am having one of those mornings, [ name ], when all that fills my head is what might have been, & what could have been.  ❜ ❛  underneath those fine feathers, there is much ambition. & i am afraid there is suspicion there, & jealousy, also.  ❜ ❛  [ name ], i know how they talk of me. no - one perceives of me as a threat to anyone.  ❜ ❛  i am but another fool here at the court, a thing to be made sport of.  ❜ ❛  do you think i cannot care for myself at all ?  ❜ ❛  you have hurt me, almost to death, but still, i live. & i will go on living.  ❜ ❛  yesterday, for the first time in many days, i felt as if i were alive & had a will of my own. i do not intend to let that slip away from me.  ❜ ❛  why have you set yourself out as a target, here where an arrow or a knife could find you with such ease, & no witnesses ?  ❜ ❛  i am not a game piece, to sit my space on the board until some players sets me in motion.  ❜ ❛  if he will not come to me for his heart’s sake, then he must come for his duty.  ❜ ❛  i can’t do this. i can’t be like this, with you. this is wrong.  ❜ ❛  i’ve come … that is, i’ve been chosen to come & ask a favour of you.  ❜ ❛  if the shoe does not fit, one cannot wear it, no matter who made it for you.  ❜ ❛  all you speak is riddles, ever ! you claim to speak plain, but your truth eludes me. ❜ ❛  are you here ? do i dream ?  ❜ ❛  we are becoming too close. that is not good, for either of us.  ❜ ❛  we can have no part of each other’s lives.  ❜ ❛  my heart is my own. i give it where i will. i will not give it to one who thrusts me aside.  ❜ ❛  i owe you nothing, & least of all obedience. i shall not stay here. i shall live as i please. ❜ ❛  you forbid ? you forbid ? forbid the wind to blow past your stone den, then, or the grass to grow in the earth around it. you have as much right. you forbid.  ❜ ❛  what’s out there, that you watch so intently ?  ❜ ❛  i think i had been alone so long, i had forgotten what it meant to have a friend.  ❜ ❛  i cannot go on like this anymore. no matter how foolish, no matter how dangerous, no matter what any others may think, i cannot always be apart from you.  ❜ ❛  [ name ], this is not seemly. stop it at once.  ❜ ❛  there can never be anything between us. i’ve come to see that, over the last few weeks.  ❜ ❛  i was thinking that i am very weary of being so alone.  ❜ ❛  have i become so despised of you ? have i not done all you demanded of me ?  ❜ ❛  did you know, from the beginning, that it would come to this ?  ❜ ❛  i will do what i am told. when have i ever done otherwise ?  ❜ ❛  turn about when i speak to you !  ❜ ❛  this ill becomes you. you seek to shame me ! think you that i do not do my duty ? that i do not know my duty ?  ❜ ❛  take your courtier’s manners & go. insufferable boy.  ❜ ❛  i wanted to tell you that tomorrow i am going to the king to ask permission to marry you.  ❜ ❛  i do not wish to marry you.  ❜ ❛  i don’t know what changed, i don’t understand what is happening between us !  ❜ ❛  you were correct & practical & did all the right things, & as foolish as it may sound, that hurt me.  ❜ ❛  i told myself that if you loved me as deeply as you had declared you did, nothing, not walls, not manners or reputation or protocol, would get in the way of your seeing me.  ❜ ❛  your loving me was not wise. nor my caring for you. i’ve come to see that. & i’ve come to see that wisdom must overrule feelings.  ❜ ❛  in a few more months, i will have saved enough that i can start out on my own again.  ❜ ❛  i do not like being a servant, & i will do it no longer than i have to.  ❜ ❛  i told him i could not be paid to stop loving someone.  ❜ ❛  the man has no morals, is bound by no rules.  ❜ ❛  i believe he is trying to help, [ name ], or so he sees it.  ❜ ❛  come to me tonight. regardless of what the king may say.  ❜ ❛  perhaps he takes students with great potential, & grinds them down to adequate tools.  ❜ ❛  i have sworn my life to you, as you say, & if you command it, so must i continue.  ❜ ❛  i ask that you find for me another way to serve you.  ❜ ❛  i will not do to you what was done to me.  ❜ ❛  my life has become too heavy with purpose. i cannot remember the last time i did something simply because i wanted to do it.  ❜ ❛  i somehow thought i could be in time to undo her death & bring her back.  ❜ ❛  to possess a prince’s secrets does not give one the right to divulge them.  ❜ ❛  the most distinctive part of your fighting style is the incredible way you have of surviving it.  ❜ ❛  this is as much a celebration of the darkest part of the year as a festival of the returning light.  ❜ ❛  i told no - one of it. no - one. how did you know ?  ❜ ❛  make me no promises that you cannot keep for the rest of your days.  ❜ ❛  you made a fool of me that day, with that song, before all those people.  ❜ ❛  then it was your end to sow rumours of strife between us. i understand, then.  ❜ ❛  i like it not when others enter my room when i am not there.  ❜ ❛  i offer you a bargain you will find nowhere else.  ❜ ❛  evidently the cure has been to beat it out of you. i’ll remember that the next time you need a healer.  ❜ ❛  you’ve shown no other manners, why should i expect consideration now ?  ❜ ❛  history is what is done & behind us.  ❜ ❛  history is what we do in our lives. we create it as we go along.  ❜ ❛  not all men are destined for greatness.  ❜ ❛  shall we be happy, to say that we live in the dusk rather than in the full night ?  ❜ ❛  darkness devours, & is never satiated until it feeds upon itself.  ❜ ❛  we can’t undo, we can only salvage.  ❜ ❛  why do you want me to fail ? so you won’t feel so alone ?  ❜ ❛  i’ve killed before. why is this so different ? why does it sicken me like this, afterward ?  ❜ ❛  nothing, no - one can go on like this. there must be a way to make an end of this.  ❜ ❛  i wish only the best for you. is this so hard to understand ?  ❜ ❛  please, [ name ], if one more person i care about becomes angry with me, i don’t think i shall be able to bear it.  ❜ ❛  sometimes, it would be much easier to die for one’s king than to give one’s life for him.  ❜ ❛  men of passion & vision are often seen as mad.  ❜ ❛  we all get used to things we once swore we could never live with.  ❜ ❛  what goes on here ? why was i not informed of this council ?  ❜ ❛  as i observed, you have come to have large ideas of yourself.  ❜ ❛  i do not know where your faith is. i had thought perhaps it would be in me.  ❜ ❛  you have so seldom called me. & when you do, you are full of secrets.  ❜ ❛  didn’t get a good enough look ? i’ll warn you, it gets no better by giving more light to it.  ❜ ❛  silly me. to think there was such a thing as a safe place in the world.  ❜ ❛  there is never going to be anything for us, is there ? never going to be a time that belongs to just us, never going to be a place that is just ours.  ❜ ❛  why should we have to give up everything for a hopeless cause ?  ❜ ❛  nothing is ever simple & good. there is always a bitter peel, a sour pip somewhere.  ❜ ❛  the man who must brag for himself knows that no - one else will.  ❜ ❛  he’s going to kill you with sheer stupidity. he doesn’t even know what he’s doing.  ❜ ❛  i tell myself i am wise, but i fear myself a coward.  ❜ ❛  i know you will never approve, but it is not something i can choose. it is what i am.  ❜ ❛  you don’t listen to warnings. you never have.  ❜ ❛  oh, [ name ], so you’re back & alive, & in one piece for a change.  ❜ ❛  with [ name ] dead, we still sit down to feast ?  ❜ ❛  shame on you for not sharing such a rich bit of gossip with me before, & all i tell you !  ❜ ❛  to the depths or the heights, it seems, are your paths.  ❜ ❛  ask him to cut his own throat, & he’ll wait for you to hand him the knife.  ❜ ❛  if i had a dog that was sick as often as you are, i’d put it down.  ❜ ❛  you knew what it would do to you, but you went ahead with it anyway.  ❜ ❛  we are tools. we do not do anything of our own volition.  ❜ ❛  i don’t think you will ever completely trust anyone, or believe that someone cares about you.  ❜ ❛  placate him for now, give him nothing to fear. we must make him believe he has won.  ❜ ❛  no man is so dangerous as the man who cannot decide what he fears.  ❜ ❛  i cannot bear to have you look at me that way, when i swear i have done you no wrong.  ❜ ❛  the gap between our stations is too great for any love to bridge.  ❜ ❛  i cannot be someone you come to when you have nothing more important to do.  ❜ ❛  just now i have finished with being wise; i would rather be a fool.  ❜ ❛  while we gamble our lives & reputations, you get drunk !  ❜ ❛  i thought you had succeeded ! what success is this ?  ❜ ❛  i have no idea what title you give yourself these days, let alone what you normally do all day.  ❜ ❛  it would have to be poison for you. those of royal blood are not allowed to swing.  ❜ ❛  it is my weakness to want too much.  ❜ ❛  come home. if you were here, you could put it all to rights.  ❜ ❛  you walk as if you are the king himself, you sneer down at me, & make mock of me behind my back. don’t think i don’t know it !  ❜ ❛  do not think you will walk so proud always. you will be brought down !  ❜ ❛  do you think you will never have to answer for the lie you live ?  ❜ ❛  our lives are here, & here we must stand & fight.  ❜ ❛  do not doubt the rightness of what we do, or we are all undone.  ❜ ❛  these are signs, [ name. ] we’d be fools to ignore them.  ❜ ❛  do you see what a dangerous path we set ourselves on, when we set ourselves above our places ?  ❜ ❛  the illusion of power clings to me, & now too many will be dazzled by it.  ❜ ❛  i have changed my mind, [ name. ] i think i shall stay here, & die in my own bed this night.  ❜ ❛  in my own way, i have loved you.  ❜ ❛  this blade shall take your vengeance.  ❜ ❛  it’s ridiculous. what are you afraid i’ll do ?  ❜ ❛  we’ve no time for polite lies.  ❜ ❛  my father is dead & buried. how much more done with him can you be ?  ❜ ❛  i know you have heard these rumours; i speak them aloud that we may confront them.  ❜ ❛  you ring me around with traditions & petty laws, all to force me to your will.  ❜ ❛  he is as full of hate as a tick is full of blood. & he has won.  ❜ ❛  your champions will abandon you fairly quickly, i suspect, once they understand what you are.  ❜ ❛  better that you had lain down & died amongst the beasts before you let this come to pass. ❜ ❛  i try to think of one person in my life whom i have not failed, have not disappointed. i can think of no - one.  ❜ ❛  i want him to grovel before the throne, & beg for mercy.  ❜ ❛  i will cleanse this place from dungheap to tower top of all who have sought to betray me & defy me !  ❜ ❛  of those who have known me, few remember me with smiles.  ❜ ❛  leave the pain behind, & let life be your own again.  ❜