nothing but a dream within a dream

Combo dream. Was having some kind of huge birthday bash. In a big hall with a ton of people, almost like a wedding reception. People were giving me cash but I had like, lived this day already? Idk that part was weird.

Peter was there. I grabbed his hand to take him outside somewhere and he did the thing where he put my arm thru his arm (v debonaire) so we were outside in this garden with hedges and benches and I was trying to find a bench for us to sit on but they were all full of passed out drunk people, every one.

So I just stopped hom between lil alcoves and kissed him and it was nice. And he said "wow"

There was also a part before this about work, like a whole job I has somehow forgot I worked, I THINK it was a warehouse or shipping and I was bitching about my boss Sabrina. (Or Sabina maybe) so I don't know.

1/24

So while i wait anxiously to hear back about a job let's talk about the dream I had

Dreamt about Nick! I guess we're doing that again! We were at a hotel and I told him about all the dreams I was having of him! Why are my dreams so fucking meta???

Also dreamt about BAD house. This was like 2 weeks ago. Bad house. Full of things. Furniture and stuff. Got worse as you went up floors. Green metal painted elevator. Bad house.

About a week ago had dream where I saw Peter in the backseat of a car with a girl and I was so upset. And then he came out of the car later shirtless and that boy was RIPPED. I mean mf SHREDDED.

But anyway I guess we out here being meta about Nick. Fuck knows why. I don't even leave my house how tf am I supposed to run into him somewhere. I don't even know where he lives. Probably still Medina. And fuck Medina (except coffee colony)

What in the anxiety dream

So I dreamt I went back to work at the bakery. And my first day was the day before Thanksgiving and I was nervous, as would make sense.

But then like I had no one to watch bebo? And I lived with my mom and stepdad?

So I was like barb can I leave and come back? And she was like sure ok

And I was in the back making.... cheesecake? Different kinds of cheesecake? Or maybe pie? Pie filling?

And then barb came up to me and was like um people have been saying you smell bad and I was like so embarrassed and horrified

And barb was also pregnant which was weird

And I went home and went to take a shower but didn't have any clean close so I started a load of laundry

I dont even know

Oh I had another one about superheros? (Like The Boys kind of superheroes)

There were like 4 or 5 in a high-rise hotel and there was a bad guy in another high rise a little ways away and there was also a falling apart old hotel that was involved somehow

Why is rainier talking to me again

My dreams are so weird lately. There was the giant sand portal, there was talking to Josh on a can of beans and then... uh... telling him to listen or listening to Be A Man by Aqua... then today I dreamt about wrestling Greg Iron (it was fun)(and I mean like real actual wrestling)

And then like I ran into Peter at what felt like my high school but..... wasn't? And he was so happy to see me and ran his hands up my arms and it was nice.

Like I just randomly remembered the love letter Josh wrote me and like frick dude. I don't think I've remembered that letter existed in like 16 years. Like I feel.... shaky almost. I kind of wish I still had it but I burned it. I support my past self and I know why she did it but I know different things now. My heart hurts though. I'm glad, you know, we met back up again and did what we did -

Let's listen to collide that's a good idea

- and I'm just mad. I'm mad I lost out on something that could have been so good. I'm mad that I spent so long being so angry and upset and heartbroken and broken in general over something that wasn't even TRUE.

I am fucking struggling today

And its so stupid because like.... what the fuck can I do about it? Nothing. There's a 99.99% chance that he hates my fuckin guts and like I know, logically, it wasn't working and it wouldn't work and it didn't work and that's it. You can't change anything and nothing would be different.

So there's no point in being all fuckin bent up about it and being some kind of emo child because like why. Doesn't help anyone or anything, I can't change anything and like even if I could I probably wouldn't, so like.... I did a shitty thing, even if it was for thr right reason and I just gotta live with my dumb ass and my dumb ass emotions

God I hate everything. I dont even remember how this dream started. I was like at a party at his house or something and I was so scared of running into him there (like why would I even be there honestly tho) but I saw him and I ran away. But then we ended up talking and like then we were in bed together kissing and cuddling and God damn it.