Secret Titan

Texts From Superheroes

Texts From Superheroes

The fact of the matter is a couple million people across the entire country gathered to express their outrage at the government and, collectively, did less damage than a gang of drunk Red Sox fans or the average Cracked writer on a Thursday night. These are people who have had their humanity questioned and their personal physical safety threatened by the leader of the free world. I don’t know how you can find their restraint anything less than inspiring, to be frank.

So is it, like, great that this Nazi got punched for saying out loud the stupid things that are in his head? And is it healthy for so many people to celebrate that violent? I dunno, probably not, but I bet far worse shit is happening to a woman or minority somewhere within 50 miles of wherever you’re reading this right now, and that’s what the protest is about, dude.

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Here’s the scenario: You’ve moved into a new home, and your significant other has given you $1,500 to buy appliances for the kitchen. Doing some research, you see that you could get a stove, a refrigerator, and a dishwasher for that amount of money if you shop smart. So you head out to go shopping, and you come back several hours later with a single countertop toaster oven.

The June Oven is a $1,500 “smart” oven, because someone involved in the decision had to be smart. It’s capable of detecting what sort of food you put in there and cooking it appropriately, showing you a live feed of what your food looks like while it’s cooking (and providing a time-lapse video), and giving your phone a notification when your food is done. Alternatively, you can buy a normal toaster oven for $25, look up cooking times online, pay attention to your food, and still have $1,475 left over for a gold-plated toilet. Then again, if having to press a hundred buttons to cook toast is good enough for Ashton Kutcher, who are we to judge?

If you only have $80 to spend on a toaster, and you coincidentally don’t have any time to check the weather report as you’re getting ready in the morning, then your incredibly specific need can be filled by the Toasteroid, which will burn the forecast into your bread. Simply set your particular burn design on your Toasteroid app, and watch as the results show up on your toast a few minutes later. If you’re like Reviewed.com and are wondering why you can’t check the weather on your phone as your toast cooks, Toasteroid has a response for you: Shut up.