Do Whatever You Dream About

Spring evening as the water falls flow and fill the silence

I sit in my seat as I glare at the television while I can feel your eyes burning a hole in the side of my head from across the room. I don't dare blink or move an inch for fear that when I open my eyes, you'll be there. I hear your words but I am no longer listening. It's the same thing every time I come over here. "You could do better" "if you stopped eating so much, you could be so much prettier" "you changed jobs AGAIN?" "What are you doing with your life?" "Why did you have to invite your girlfriend? You know how your father feels about that lifestyle" "you're not getting anywhere in life?" "I thought you were going to be successful someday" My heart wants to stop beating, my eyes want to run rivers, and my lungs, oh my lungs have shrunk into raisins. I feel weight added to my shoulders as I continue to swallow the words I wish I could say. "She only says those things because she cares about you. It's tough love." That's what people tell me when I mention something about it, but it is not love at all. It's just tough, love does not exist between us and that's the worst part.

Maybe I'm just bitter but I can't imagine needing someone to the point where I would question my own existence if they were ever to leave me. I've done it once and it nearly killed me, I like to believe that my heart will find someone who feels the same way as I do, who doesn't want to raise children in a fucked up world like the one we currently live in, who doesn't believe that our love is only important if it's on a piece of paper, someone who has their own goals and doesn't need me but chooses to be with me every single day. If I was to ever commit myself again, it would be because I choose to be with that person not because I'm lonely or because they make me feel special. I can buy myself flowers and i can look into my own mirror and tell myself I'm pretty. I want someone to match me and challenge me but to never belittle me. Maybe I'm just bitter but I try everyday to be better and one day I will be better, and things will be better. One day I'll slide into bed while my person is asleep with no doubt or worries, I'll wrap my arms around her and even though things are good anyways, she'll make things great and there's nothing else I could ever ask for, but for now I'm just bitter.

I notice the flames flickering in your eyes as we reach within inches of each other, not yet touching. I can feel the heat radiating off your body flowing into my ice cold heart. I smile for the first time in God knows how long. The corners of your lips turn upwards, I reach for your hand slowly and cautiously. The moment my fingers touch your skin, my heart completely melts. Love isn't always magic. Sometimes it's just melting, and that's enough.

Ranting about issues in the world over a cup of coffee. It's when I enjoy watching you the most. The way you open up your mind, pouring out your feelings and your opinions. I can almost taste the passion you spill off your lips. You place your hand on the table, inches away from mine but you keep moving, using them to express the importance in your choice of words. I don't move, but I continue to watch you. The way your lips turn and your tongue folds, I notice the way your eyes move away from mine when you get another thought in that intelligent mind of yours. I know I'm about to be intrigued by the way your mind works. It's just like mine, you subconsciously let out small glimpses of your honest self and look at me to see if I'm still listening, I always nod when you do that to reassure you that I most certainly am. I fall in love with your words and that was the moment that I realized that I don't need to touch you to feel you, I don't need to tell you any lines, or pull cheesy moves on you. I just need to listen and in time, your words will be the soundtrack to my life, the harmony of my heart beating will match the rhythm of your carefully selected words and I will always think you are most beautiful when you are expressing yourself.

Despite how much we had meant to each other many years ago, you will never know how many times you have saved my life even after we went our separate ways. For that, I love you just as much as the first time I saw you. Thank you.

We are equal to one another, but we are not the same. Just because you loved them with all of your heart doesn’t mean they will love you just as deeply. They may not be capable or even have the desire to, as harsh as that sounds. They don’t care that you spent weeks in bed heartbroken, that you have lost all hope in love, or that you can’t imagine being happy again. They have moved on and so should you. It sucks that they don’t feel the same way you do, but instead of crying over someone who doesn’t match your intensity, go out and find someone who does. Only then, will you realize why you had to go through every level of bad lovers to get ready for your perfect match. Have faith in yourself and trust in the universe.

I lie in bed with every word you've said to me, I stay awake rereading our messages. I feel something creeping into my heart, I turn off my phone and try to think of something else. I remember the first time we talked, it was amazing how the world works, it seemed that every little thing that had happened recently led us here. I started falling for you, the way you used big words in our conversations, and I always had to look them up. The way you giggle when I'm being persistent, you opened up to me in ways you've never shown anyone before but still, you disappeared without a trace for months. I tore myself apart for weeks trying to figure out what was so wrong with me to make you leave like that, but then you came back and our connection is better than ever, except I am more guarded this time. Now, I have dragons flying around my fortress, sharks in the rivers, and 6ft guards at every door. Now you have to break down every wall you put up inside of me, and then we'll be even.

I’ve missed you.” I tell you still looking down at our intertwined hands. You use your other hand to lift my chin and pull me towards you, we kiss. It wasn’t a passionate kiss from the fairytales or the romantic movies. It was a kiss that felt like home. It was comfortable like nothing had ever changed. As if the past 5 years weren’t spent apart from you. You break away and we just look at each other and smile, but then your phone rings and on it says his name. My heart drops realizing this was too good to be true. I wake up from this nightmare, and that was the day my heart realized it was ready to fight for you again.

Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be with them. Never settle for someone who doesn't feel like your childhood best friend. If someone doesn't help  you create the best memories you have ever had, what's the point? We are in relationships because we want to be loved. There's only one way out of this,  it's either spend your life settled with mediocre or break up and find the best damn person out there molded just for you. Just because this person loves you doesn't mean no one else will. Never settle, and go out there and find your other half.