Adventures of Secretarial Ninja

“If you don’t know where you’re going, any road’ll take you there”

the adventures of non-judgmental ninja

Learn to put on your bracelets and zip up your dresses by yourself. There will be times when you will be alone. Get on a long plane ride. Look out the window. Understand the immensity of our world. Understand your insignificance. Understand your absolute importance. Press the send button. If you don’t say it now, you never will. Do not sneer at happiness or roll your eyes at sadness. Be aware that apathy is not healthy. You are more than the amount of people who want to have sex with you. That pit in your stomach when he doesn’t text you back, it shouldn’t be there. No one should be able to control you like that. Shopping is cathartic. Buy the shoes and deal with one-ply toilet paper for a while. It will get better, but it will never be perfect. Learn to live through the small moments of happiness. When they disappear, remember they will resurface. I promise that cookie will not change anything (except that it will make you smile). Please, please, take care of yourself. You are everything to somebody. You are everything to your self. That alone is enough.

1. Don’t try to piss quietly. Nobody in a public restroom thinks you’re knitting in your stall. They came to piss, just like you. And if you have to take a dump, do it. Get over your fear of public toilets. It’ll make life a lot easier. 2. Masturbate. Masturbate a lot. Talk about it with your friends. You’ve got the right to make yourself feel good and brag about it just like all the boys with extra large kleenex packages on their desks. 3. If you want the large fries, get the large fries. Hunger and appetite are nothing to be ashamed of, just human. Don’t ever feel guilty for eating in front of others. You need to nourish your body to stay alive. We all do. 4. Laugh as loud as you have to, no matter if you snort or gasp or literally scream. 5. Fart when you have to. 6. Always remember you weren’t born to visually please others. Forget the phrase “what if they think it’s ugly”. If you think it’s lovely, it is lovely. You wanna wear it, wear it! 7. Speak your mind! You can learn to do so without insulting others or shoving your opinion down other people’s throats.