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@seasonedoverthinker
But isn't the point of any religion at any point in time to bring it's believers peace and a sense of inner safety to their lives? And yet the more i try to get better in my religion the more miserable and empty i get i don't understand but i don't want to leave either, aren't i a fool?
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So i keep saying i love the night i love my quiet personal time! And it's unironically the only time i spend scrolling it's embarrassing
I'm proud of how i studied these finals i did good despite my marks not going to turn out that good but compared to my performance the whole year i feel i did better and understood better i think i will jot down what i learned in my journal since i have this habit of forgetting how to study once new year starts
A cavity? Really? But i take really good care of them :( i feel like it will just go downhill from now on because that's how it is here with dental care
Well whatever i don't have room in my life to be upset and cry about it i guess we gotta man up sometimes
It's not that of a big things but when many small small things also gets chipped and ruined in life they just pile up to the point that not finding ice in the freezer becomes a good reason to sob
Im getting flashbacks i don't like this but this time i will try to prevent it rather than blaming my failure on circumstances for 3 years now
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There's this disaster recipe that i was thinking about for the past hour and i concluded that
The lack of love+ the lack of hope+the lack of purpose +the lack of internal validation-> void/emptiness-> loneliness-> jealousy (if there's external feedback- seeing others having what you don't have)-> hate-> violence-> small mistakes-> grieve unspeakable action (point of no return)-> regret-> shame, and shame that screams at the end " im undeserving of love after that"-> even more lack of love or worse (lack of the capacitance of love so even if given love not sure what to do with it)-> rinse and repeat
If no external projection like violence against others, might run into depression? -> loneliness-> dissociation (seperation from "self" to cope)-> depersonalization (anorher kind of void)-> lack of regret toward self-> self harm (to feel something)-> snap one day and feel regret (it was better before this)-> shame (I'm unlovable after what I've done)-> rinse and repeat
And i feel like what decides each path could be the degree of the internal validation you might already had, things like engaging with rich media and nourishing hobbies (that sounds pretentious but I'm talking about media,books,movies,stories etc), might spark some self awareness that projecting suffering onto others only enhances the cycle and brings further regret and shame later on but not enough awareness to see the other side and hence blindness to what you're still going through since the only way to break the cycle for others beside awareness is providing a path for redemption and forgiveness or by compensating the deficit directly by giving what's missing: love and learning how to accept love again (considering many gets to the point of feeling like an unlovable monster who deserves all of this, not true at all.) which should rid of jealousy to some degree i mean at least that's how you resolve jealousy in kids, by bringing back safety and filling the void. But not sure about the internalized part i suppose more extensive therapy but I'm not that deep into the topic ironically even tho it matters to me too
And if we are talking avoiding this in a person i feel like it starts very basic, a baby cannot grasp the concepts above but they can understand the earliest manifestation of love: safety, and slowly it transitions into the real thing. But despite that if discomfort is never encountered they would still collapse later in life because they never developed the other necessary parts and maily internal validation so that when the love is gone you don't dive into these cycles immediately? I wonder if my tone was rude, it's a 3 am essay before bed so i guess it's okay
Hey so i had this idea but i think it would be nice for you to remember how you used to comfort people like what you actually used to say to others back in school? It was all study advice but dig deeper maybe you will find what you want
Confirmed the culprit , how do i quit overthinking ? Ironically i always told my mom it's weird she can't shut her mind up and stare into anything for a few mins with zero thoughts but here I'm, except she probs thought of worthy things while my overthinking is about idk social issues ? Morals and values men and women religion my identity my aspirations and such i feel like they matter but not all the time yknow like I'm glad i get to be more introspective compared to many i know but i guess this needs to stop or we're not going to go anywhere maybe i should try limiting it to idk a specific time in my week ? And rather than holding into the thought and expanding on it and taking hours thinking about it I'll just write it somewhere even here but then there's this funny issue is that i'd feel worthless unless i think idk where this comes from but I'll also feel like I'm actively missing out on things unless i think about them maybe it's closer to feeling like I'm dumb and clueless
BOY i didn't get better at all with this i still do this and waste so much mental energe on it i just have a lot of things that bother me and since no share my interests and ideas i just discuss it with myself which is crazy I'm not sane am i and they are still pretty much tge same issues over and over and over about horrendous things people do to each other and about how atrocious some people and men could get and the awful state of modern things and the awful state of myself and and and much more ah maybe , maybe next time rather than spinning in circles I'll just write my points here sounds good hope i remember
I lowkey dont understand my crashouts when i come back to them like what was wrong with me and when everything is wrong with me suddenly they make sense
That's because you just do a brain dump silly of course not even you would get it later because alot of the context is in your head unlike when you write for an audience or someone else which isnt the case because this whole account is a brain dump
I went through, well not many things, but i still dealt with all of them pathetically i can't do anything on my own I'd just explode actually i totally forgot how we used to deal with such things back then on our own like where didnwe go to beside a good search? It's not like i shared my silly struggles with people either and i didn't alway have time to write, it have been so long it's funny i don't remember but i feel like at the time how ever i dealt with it i also said I'm pathetic unknowing that times would change and this would be great that i wish i could go back, or maybe i just didn't deal with things I'd just slack, procrastinate and sleep it out and cry and reach out the diary or draw something yes art i had a hobby but i was only drawing adorable stylized girls suffering same face syndrome so nothing much and actually i do have hobbies now it's just that i, I'm busy but not that busy yknow? It's like.. look i don't have THAT much to do but I'm so bad at managing things to the point that if i had only task X that takes a few hours all other tasks are on hold until i finish X which I'm not doing so the whole day is wasted and I'd feel lost and i won't have time to do the things that i enjoy, that i won't have time to deal with my problems, to soothe myself with tge peace of knowing rather than quietly withering from uncertainty but since a few years ago they invented an outlet for so many things but this in fact is one of the 2 reasons I'd even use this thing the other would be gaining knowledge because that google search i talked about? It got so awful and i don't deny how much i learned from clankers and i even retained the good parts but i admit i never fact checked so i could be wrong or i can just blame it on the constantly changing everything like yeah these are outdated maybe but that's how i remembered them yeah and um and .... i got lost i don't know what to add to this but again i feel a bit better i feel so much better in fact I'll go do what I'm running away from but i really hope i find out the best way to manage things because this is destructive and the only thing being destructed by a shitty routine and time management is me
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I lowkey dont understand my crashouts when i come back to them like what was wrong with me and when everything is wrong with me suddenly they make sense
Was it because i wanted to achieve something to get a reward so i restricted something but i failed in achieving that so i feel awful about the restriction i did like it was so pointless you're so weak
Why did i do what i did
Strange i feel a bit better after that
Pathetic pathetic it's like that in all aspects of my life i just keep seeking and yearning for something soothing and comforting and proceed to find none or if i did it's either not enough and i want more because of the greedy bitch i am or i simply feel even more awful and pathetic after experiencing it what do i even want stress relief? I swear i dont feel this way when I'm at peace i just go and do my things and sleep early and not suffer the eay i am no i hate this I'm awful I'm I'm just spamming awful things about me does nothing but affirm them but I'm also so tired of this self care bussiness i can't be kind of myself i dont know how i pretend to for a few weeks before it all crumbles like now what's with me i only see faults in everything i suck at everything i spend hours and days and years to learn and learn and learn in all fields in everything i want to leard and still know nothing and achieve nothing and unable to apply anything of what i might have learned even this this is a mess it's just raw thought no meaning to it i just
I just need to go to sleep i have so much to do in the morning
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1 month
Let me finish finals just one month >:(
Let me use my machineeee i swear to to god if this turns out as win11 ..... this update is taking way too long are you forcing it on me ??? What do i do how to run away