#midnight thinking

Imagine. Just imagine.

Character A and Character B. Lovers, like, not soulmates but...yeah soulmates I guess.

A is classified as "Immortal" in the sense you want (I mean...immortality can come in many ways when you're creative) and B well ...dies. Or start another cycle, if it's a life specie that restart, like a pheonix or idk. Didn't think that part through yet.

And ...A's heart does not beat naturaly. Like, at all. It's dead, empty, unmoving, there, but 'it functionning. Can't really say A is alive at this point.

BUT, when B lives anew, A's heart does a pang, a kind of pang you don't miss, you can't miss it. It doesn't start beating again, no. A's heart will only beat when they'll find B. From this point, the hearts function normaly.

UNTIL (because when there's a start, there's an end) When B dies, wherever they are, far or close, A will know because their own heart dies again with B. Another pang, painfull one probably, and then it stops with B's and their last heartbeat.

The lack of love+ the lack of hope+the lack of purpose +the lack of internal validation-> void/emptiness-> loneliness-> jealousy (if there's external feedback- seeing others having what you don't have)-> hate-> violence-> small mistakes-> grieve unspeakable action (point of no return)-> regret-> shame, and shame that screams at the end " im undeserving of love after that"-> even more lack of love or worse (lack of the capacitance of love so even if given love not sure what to do with it)-> rinse and repeat

If no external projection like violence against others, might run into depression? -> loneliness-> dissociation (seperation from "self" to cope)-> depersonalization (anorher kind of void)-> lack of regret toward self-> self harm (to feel something)-> snap one day and feel regret (it was better before this)-> shame (I'm unlovable after what I've done)-> rinse and repeat

And i feel like what decides each path could be the degree of the internal validation you might already had, things like engaging with rich media and nourishing hobbies (that sounds pretentious but I'm talking about media,books,movies,stories etc), might spark some self awareness that projecting suffering onto others only enhances the cycle and brings further regret and shame later on but not enough awareness to see the other side and hence blindness to what you're still going through since the only way to break the cycle for others beside awareness is providing a path for redemption and forgiveness or by compensating the deficit directly by giving what's missing: love and learning how to accept love again (considering many gets to the point of feeling like an unlovable monster who deserves all of this, not true at all.) which should rid of jealousy to some degree i mean at least that's how you resolve jealousy in kids, by bringing back safety and filling the void. But not sure about the internalized part i suppose more extensive therapy but I'm not that deep into the topic ironically even tho it matters to me too

-aisde from Nikky and Matt the boys watch a total of half an episode

-Aaron. walks out on the 1st sex scene

- Kevin. "Where are the sport scenes" Day

- Neil - There must be Russian mafia. Right?

- Andrew is just hot and bother.

That's the perfect spot.

Until you show up in my thoughts.