Dear P

It’s feels like a sin to fall in love with him simply because he reminds me of all I miss most about you. 

His eyes look the closest to yours I've seen in a while, the way he moves reminds me of you, and most of all he laughs at me the way you used to. 

He isn’t you for a million and one reason but still all those little things make him feel like home. Because for so long you have been my home. you have been the center of my world by default of taking up the most space in it. 

So now I can’t stop thinking about the both of you longing for one of you told me in your arms. To feel the laugher building up before I hear it while I lay with my head on one your chests. To feel as if I am liquid gold again because love has melted away all of my heaviness. 

I don’t want to be in love with him or fall in love. Rather I want someone to touch with me kindness and pleasure. I want to dive into something beyond friendship. 

So I’m hooked on the idea of him. The idea of what we could be together. But it’s so hard because he isn’t like you. He didn’t lead in and throw caution to the wind. I need to win him over and seek him out but he pushes back he sits in a lack of confidence conniving himself off all the reasons no. 

I miss how you dove in. I miss how fearlessly you trusted me with your heart. 

You taught me how to do that and now I fearlessly offer my heart to him. 

Love,

There are many people in the media that almost remind me of you. They come close to having your eyes. The shape is right but the eyes aren’t truly there. 

I see people with your hair cut but it’s still not you. 

Which is okay. I like being reminded of you even if it’s faint and far removed. Because it’s still more hours a day I feel a little closer to you than farther away from you. I hate this distance.

I want to leave more clues in these letters that it’s me but I don’t know how without the fear of giving myself away completely. At times I don’t care I want to give myself away just to see you again. But I'm worried I would do all that and you would still turn away from me. 

How sad must I look to people on the internet. It’s almost funny to think someone may find this online and think to themselves “at least I’m not as pathetic as this poor soul”. 

But I don’t mind. Not if there is a chance that you can find me.

Hello I'm writing to you about a subject you could careless about because I don’t have anyone else I want to rant to about it. 

So here I go. 

Save the cat is the worst book written on screenwriting. Okay maybe not the worst but it’s not great and I don’t think I helped anyone truly make a good movie because if you actually follow it you are going to make a film with no substance. It’s not about making money selling shit not about making something meaningful or having something to say or even making something worth watching. It’s about how to market and sell your script. And there is a reason movies have gone down hill since save the cat came out. 

Syd Field is much better. People who read his books actually stand a chance of making something worth watching. 

You are probably wondering why I am going on this rant. Well you see I was talking with my friends and it came up. And the really funny thing is the friend defending the book and trying to be all smart that he could quote it has only ever made bad films when he is following the books advice. He is actually the poster child of people I reference when arguing that save the cat is a hot mess set out to ruin filmmakers careers. 

I know you would be both bored and some what amused by my rant. I know you’d listen till I had finished and calmed down then you’d kiss me on the forehead and remind me that someday I could always teach a class as some college and set the record set for the next generation. I’d laugh and you’d then suggest a college in some city you wouldn’t mind living in. And I’d breathe deeply knowing that tomorrow I’d want to write something good enough to prove to you my point. 

hey. It’s been a hot second. Don’t worry I haven’t forgotten about you. I just got busy living in the moment. SpeNding it with the people around me now. Which is beautiful. I feel so lOved. Which is hard. Being loved when you have been told you aren't worthy of love hurts. It’s strange how pure sweet kind love hurts. Because I can’t understand how I’m loved. I don’t feel like I’m a lovable person. Which is why I’ve bEen enjoying the book Normal PEople so much. Because I feel like they understand a lot of my struggles of being both part of a group but also so distance from it. If you haven't read it you should. I think it would help explain a lot about us in words I couLdn’t find.

Still I am Loved by my chosen family and you would lovE them. And I think they would love you too. That it would be so easy for all of us to blend together and make the most of life together. Even if we can be such a handful. 

Honestly P we are such a mess of a group of friends. We act like children and then in a blink of an eye we are the wisest people ever to have walked the earth. We raise each other up and we keep each other in check. 

It doesn’t feel real to have friends like this to fill the hours of my existence with. I don’t know how I got blessed and I just keep waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. Because it always has been. I was so lonely growing up in the mountains. I was the out cast just confusing every person so crossed my path. And most of all I was so painfully forget full. 

I wonder if you have forgotten me. I’d like to think what we share has left as much a mark on you as it has on me but I’m not sure. 

Either way I miss you. I’m Coping through each and every day best I can. Finding joy in the little moments in between it all. 

Love,

Last night I could barely sleep. Something was up. And when I finally went to bed my dreams were even more disturbing. 

I dreamt I was being forced to go to the Linkin Park Zoo and I was begging not to go. I hate that place it makes sad in such a way I can barely breathe. I think this whole corona lock down has made me even more sympathetic to animals than I had been. 

In fact I’ve been dreaming a lot about animals and their wellness. I think the universe is telling me to consider veganism. 

So tonight I removed every piece of meat I could from the stir fry my mom made. When I couldn’t get it all I stopped eating all together. I just couldn’t do it.

My mom as you can imagine didn’t like that. Even though she doesn’t eat meat herself.

The rest of my day was uneventful. Work is stressful but rewarding oddly. I just am excited for a month from now whenever thing runs like clock work and everyday is smooth I’m not putting in overtime. 

And I can quite my second job which isn’t working out in my favor. The kickstart is almost over and then I can put in my notice. 

Which will honestly be such a huge relief. 

I wonder what you are working on. Or if you are studying. It’s summer during a world on fire so I’m sure you aren’t working on much if any school unless you are powering through your masters - if you are getting your masters. What did you get a degree in ? Like your undergrad?

Regardless, I always imagine what your teachers think of you and your assignments. 

I wish I could read your essays. I want to know how your brain thinks. How does it form sentences and makes cases where does all that come from and why. 

It’s like the song Can I Sleep In Your Brain. 

I want to sleep in your brain and see how it works see the world through your eyes instead of mine and feel your thoughts the way you feel them. 

That song actually makes me think of us a lot. Sometimes when I dream of us I want to believe I’ve slipped into your dreams or you’ve slipped into mine and now share a brain. 

I know it’s wishful thinking but I find myself being even more wishful in my thinking these days.  Rereading Call Me By Your Name may be to blame. 

Anyway I love you,

Everything. sucks.

The past three days every step I take has gone south and it all sucks buckets and bundles. And I hate it. 

The only thing I liked toady was oddly dreaming of your mother. I dreamt we were on vacation - all of us though you and your brother and father were arriving after us so I was just exploring while your mother washed up. 

I loved it. It was so beautiful. All I kept thinking about was I had been here before. I knew the  terracacotta roof and blue tiles of the pool. 

I knew how odd it was that in the room I was going to sleep in the bathroom came first and the rest of the room. 

Like you enter and boom there is the bathroom on the left and a little table dresser thing across and the right and then the rest of the room. which is so simple and humble it makes me think of a painting of a convent. It’s not how a real convent would look no it’s nicer and more personal than that but it’s how someone would day dream about yester year and the saints would have painted it. 

There was something romantic to it. I loved it right away. 

I loved the whole house. I remember looking for traces of you. I poked around looking to see if there were photos of you as a child or perhaps a beloved childhood toy that had made it’s home here.  I enjoyed having this time to myself to get to know the space. I love being in places with out people. Getting to meet them and make myself familiar with their quiet character. 

The dream of course ended before I got to explore your room. 

Did you get to vacation there this year or did the whole melt down of 2020 mess with that, too? Is that why I dreamt of it?

Love,

Me

I’ve been doing a lot better. I’ve not been missing you in such a tragic way the past few days. I still miss you but it’s less painful. 

Well it was till I had to write a work email to someone who had the same first name as you. Typing out your name felt really weird. I knew it wasn’t you this was some dad ordering a gift. His little gmail photo was of him and his daughter. But still you have taken such ownership of this man. Full ownership to the point where I forget anyone but you might have this name. 

Because for me it’s just you. Is my name the same for you? Or do you relate it to songs, greetings, and commercialization of it? I know I would. I would struggle to not separate me from my name if I was in your shoes. It would be so holy painful to constantly hear it brought up. And it’s a pretty hard name to avoid. But I hope you have been able to. 

Unless you want to be reminded of me. In which case I hope you remember me when you most want to. 

Also on a side note I tried watching a horrible movie again with Tilly. It was so bad we had to turn it off. Then we tried another movie and we couldn’t do that. Turns out James Franco is just really creepy to watch. and the rest of the story was upsetting. So it was a bust but it was still fun to talk to her.  I miss her so much right now with corona. 

Also I talked with this guy Q today. Turns out we actually like the same show for once - and it isn’t Friends. Which is so mind blowing. I honestly can’t believe it happened.  But it made me happy. I like when we can get along. I like how weird and random he is. I think he would hate you but you’d get such a good laugh out of him. He really is a character study and such a good person at his core. 

So that was fun - it felt nice to talk to someone new. Don’t get me wrong I still love talking to Ariel and Tilly all the time but I needed that change of pace that talking to someone who isn’t a coworker or my best friend. 

I have a million other little things I want to write but I’m going to stop before this gets any more embarrassing than it already is. I think if any of my friends found this by some wicked twist 2020 wants to throw at me I’d snap. 

I mean if you found this I’d be really happy. but anyone else I know would feel such pitty I would never ever recover. 

Love,

Today was better. Not great but better I pulled myself together and got shit done. 

Not all of it but I did it. And I'm grateful I pulled through on as much as I needed too. But I defiantly should have quit my other job long before now but funny enough the grow ups in my life - I mean  even though I'm a grown up the more grown up grown ups - told me I need to keep this additional job so I can make money. Because they worry about my future and money despite the fact that they have never kept a job. 

But whatever I’m out here doing my best. and I was grateful for work because it stopped me from missing you so much. I miss you but not in such a sharp painful way. It wasn’t as if there was a sharp poke to my gut every time I breathed. 

Instead I just would wish it was you I had to look forward to FaceTiming before bed tonight. 

So this is the standard me saying hi I miss you out into the void until you something changes. 

Love 

Hi. I know you won’t see this but somehow writing to the void makes me feel better. It gives me false hope that you are there and this is like all those cheesy 90s rom-coms with great soundtracks and somehow this whole thing will take off and you’ll find it one day and know that I wrote all of this for you and bam happy ever after as a song by the cranberries blasts to credits. 

But I know that’s not how this will go. I know this is a bad poorly thought out way of Coping. 

But today was a rough day and honestly you’re the only person I wanna talk to. I just want to flop down beside you and have you trace small circles on the back of my hand and whisper softly to be so the world and none of my problems can hear us - and then I want to fall asleep while a rerun of friends is on or you put on one of your shows in a foreign language that I don’t speak and I just drift away.

I hope I dream of you tonight. I hope that when my mind drifts into the black of sleep it’s your warmth I feel there waiting for me. and when I open my eyes in those dreams I find you there helping to hold the wait of the world for me. 

I help hold all you carry and you help me hold mine and together everything just feels a little less heavy. 

So yeah that’s where I’m at right about now. I’m going to listen to some music maybe stay up too late watching Netflix and talking to a friend about their problems so I can forget mine for a little while. 

Love ,

I watched a really horrible movie on netflix. It was meant to be funny. But it was actually a flaming ball of fire.