The Sea Jar

How can we do another 4 years of this horrible man?

I am so ashamed to be an American.

We’ve lost everything. There goes our future. This is going to kill so many people here and throughout the world.

I’m feeling despair. What’s the point of living now? There’s not going to be anything left for anyone who’s not a rich white man.

How they’re gloating at our pain. How the world hates us now.

I’ve been having, “i wish i was dead” thoughts again, asking god to let me not wake up because then i wouldn’t have to struggle any more.

Part of this is coming from the fact that AI and Big Tech are ruining my field and every other creative industry. It’s bleak. Almost everyone I know is out of work and has been for a long time.

I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that i’ll never have another artist job again and that thought makes me want to die. I don’t know what i can do if not this. I’m too old to start over and too young to retire.

It also doesn’t help that i am terribly unhappy with my current job but since it’ll be the last time i’ll ever be an artist, I don’t want to leave. There’s no where to go anyway. Except maybe into the ground.

I just feel this terrible overwhelming depression when i think beyond the current minute. It’s worse at night. I have to distract myself with ld comedies until i fall asleep.

I spent hours wasting time on my phone last night until 2am when tried to sleep but then just cried and screamed into my pillow.

Like, cool thanks for making me feel worse about the fact that I can’t do the thing.

I’m lonely but i hate being social. I want friends but putting myself out there is very taxing.

On top of this, my living situation is getting to me. My longtime roommate is very childish sometimes and tends to ignore problems, including me. If she’s mad at me, she won’t talk to me, just gives me the silent treatment for weeks. She and i are stuck together because of money. We both want to move out but neither of us can afford it.

She a month behind on paying utilities. Somehow I need to save up to pay the full amount up front to pay the bills but she cant give me her half within a month? How is that fair?

She’s always in the bathroom when i need to go. In the morning, at night, in the middle of the day. I don’t know whats shes doing in there but she’s never less than ten minutes but sometimes almost an hour. Same thing with the kitchen. If shes going to cook, it takes her an hour minimum. If I’m hungry at 7pm and she’s in there i know i cant cook until after 8pm. If i talk to her about making a schedule or just going “hey I’m going to make a long recipe” she gets mad. Because if i knew what her plans were, I would plan around them. But her plans are none of my business.

I’m also frustrated because she’s a hoarder and her junk is slowly taking over our shared spaces. she hardly cleans. The last time the bathroom was cleaned was almost two months ago because its been her turn and she just doesn’t do it because of her emotional problems. I’ve been doing light cleaning because its disgusting. Same with the kitchen and her dishes.

I have anxiety and depression too but I’m supposed to make space for her problems but not mine?

And every time i do try to speak up about something that’s bothering me, she ignores me for weeks. (See the previous post.) and for my emotional health i just can’t risk that kind if stress and anxiety.

I’m tired. Im tired of living in a shit hole with a person who is only living with me to take advantage of my portion of rent and doesn’t clean but somehow its still my fault. Am i supposed to take care if someone who isnt my significant other? Who i know dislikes me?

Her attitude is, “its my apartment, i can do what i want.” Its not her apartment. Its OUR apartment.

I want my own place but i cant afford it. Im also afraid if i move out ill be completely alone and my loneliness will get worse.

She then turned the music completely off even though I said she didn’t have to turn it off, just turn it down. After that, she walked around the apartment wearing her headphones, completely ignoring me. She’s such a petulant child at times.

I’ve been anxious all damn day because of this. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything because she’d react badly, but why do I always have to tip toe around her? Why are her wants more important than mine? Why is her medical issues respected but mine are not?

All I know is I’m tired I’m tired all the time and then I can’t sleep at night and I repeat the cycle ad nauseam. My motivations are at an all-time low and I know I’m depressed. I just don’t feel like doing anything. I have this brain fog like I just can’t bring myself to care and then I don’t feel well and then it’s time for bed work in the morning. Feeling anxious there, but mostly I’m just tired, and then after I lay down in my bedroom it’s going to be 30 minutes and then it’s the whole night wasted and the thing is I should be happy. Things are not bad for me personally, I’m just overwhelmed with all the badness in the world and my anger at the greediness of people, it’s just overwhelming me

In general things have been good. I like my job. I just got promoted. I make good money finally.

But emotionally I am a mess. It’s like those infomercials for depression medication that used to run in the 90s, “I should be happy but I’m not.”

The bill of my worries comes from this AI bullshit and the fear of having my career taken away from me and not being able to live when I’m older.

I’ve been obsessively checking social media for updates, and then I can’t sleep at night because my thoughts are going all over the place and I get worked up with these imaginary arguments I’m drafting up in my mind to counter the stupid ai assholes and the ignorant, inflammatory things they say.

Being an artist just isn’t my job it’s my identity and anything that threatens that upsets me.

Cried to my therapist today. Admitted that I feel hopeless about the future. Going to be a bag lady on the streets in my old age because my career will be obliterated and i have nothing to pivot to. Admitted to having thoughts about not waking up in the morning which would mean I don’t have to worry anymore.

Sometimes I feel like our friendship is one sided. You don’t call me anymore. You don’t text. You don’t think of me. I’m tired of making the effort, tired of chasing you. For what? So I can hear about your self centered issues? So can listen to your social justice warrior drivel, where you talk big but don’t do shit?

Our priorities are far apart now, our paths diverged a long time ago but we refused to acknowledge it.

My sister got married. After two years, the wedding is FINALLY OVER. It was beautiful and went really well. I’m glad it was uneventful. 

I was a little emotionally checked out. So much was happening that weekend, but I do not remember having strong feelings about anything. It was more like, “Okay, this is a thing that is happening” without any feelings good or bad about it. I did not have strong feelings of sadness or happiness, or even anxiety. I was pretty much living moment to moment, just trying to get through everything with the least amount of trouble possible. 

I’m glad it’s over. It’s like one less weight on my shoulders. 

I feel tired and disappointed that even despite the break from fandom, I am not focusing more on personal work. It’s funny, I want to participate in fandom, but I have nothing to say right now. That means I still need a break. I feel like I just need a break from my life. I wish I could hit the pause button and sleep and rest and draw. But unfortunately, life has no pause. 

I’m not in a good place right now. I can’t seem to focus. I keep flitting from thought to thought before even finishing anything. Example: I was in the middle of looking at shoes to buy for my trip when I suddenly decided to go wash a makeup brush that I’ve been putting off washing for weeks like, right now. Earlier I wandered back into my room and saw I’d written the word neck in my web browser— I couldn’t even focus enough to finish the word necklace.

I’m having anxiety right now. I took official hiatus from my two fandom tumblrs, maybe for a week or two, but also maybe forever.

Tumblr made me cry today and I just thought, what’s the point of this? No one particularly cares what you do because there are hundreds of other artists out there doing better work than you.

I am angry. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach, tight like anxiety but bitter.