We arrived first at the House of Lust. βHouseβ is a misleading term. It was more of a camp, spread over acres and acres of lush forest. There was a white sandy beach (nude, of course) full of copulating couples. There were little cabins sprinkled all along the path, from which orgasmic moans regularly came belting out. Men with six pack abs and women with perky breasts strolled by without even noticing me and God. They only had eyes for each other, tickling and pinching each other with flirtatious giggles.
βWhat do you think?β God asked as we passed a nineteen-way taking place in a pool of champagne. Little cherubs flitted overhead armed with mops and cleaning supplies, thankfully. βLust is our most popular sin.β I eyed the supermodel-like figures of a couple passing nearby, and could easily see why. βYou can look however you want. Hell, you can be whatever gender you want. No fetish is too taboo, and no desire can be denied here.β
It was quite tempting, but I wasnβt ready to make a permanent decision here. βLetβs see the others,β I told God.
We carried on to Greed. We passed rows and rows of mansions, each more opulent than the next. Some of them were so large that they would have had enough bed rooms to fit my entire hometown. And so many different styles: one second, we were in a beautiful French vineyard in front of a gorgeous chateau with the Alps in the background. The next second, a warm tropical beach with a modern mansion atop breathtaking cliffs. After that, a ski chalet in Colorado with a roaring fire in a hearth large enough to fit an ox. Each one had various Italian sports cars and Rolls Royces parked in front, with the occasional smattering of boats, helicopters, etc.
βAny material desire you ever wanted,β God explained. βYour own world, where you can have everything. You want the Hope Diamond? You can fly to Washington DC in your own solid gold helicopter and buy it from the Smithsonian. Hell, you can just buy the Smithsonian.β
Also tempting, but I decided to keep looking.
Gluttony was next up. Tables and tables of the very finest foods: beautiful steaks cooked medium rare; butter-poached lobster tail; fresh oysters on a half shell; exotic wines in dusty bottles that had been hiding in the cellars of the worldβs finest restaurants. Everyone had a glass of champagne in hand and simply lounged on couches and chairs near the tables, eating endlessly. As soon as the inhabitants took a bite, the food just instantly came back. My mouth watered even watching them.
βIn every other House, the food is practically sawdust compared to Gluttony,β God explained. βYou havenβt truly experienced heaven until youβve been to Gluttony.β
I shook my head, and we kept moving.
Sloth was as youβd expect. An endless sea of the softest mattresses, stacked with cushions and pillows that made the story of the princess and the pea seem minimalist. Little angels visited each resident, giving them massages that made them all melt into their blankets.
Wrath wasβ¦ well, a lot like what Iβd expect Hell to be like. Fire, brimstone, whips, torture.. you know, the works. Except here, you werenβt the one being tortured. Every enemy youβd ever made in your real life was now under your thumb. βLots of people choose their fathers,β God explained. βLots of grudges against parents in general, you know. But youβre not limited to that. Someone beat you out for a big promotion back on Earth? Take your pound of flesh here.β
Then we arrived at Envy. It looked⦠well, a lot like home.
βGo on in,β God said, gesturing toward the door. I turned the knob and walked inβ¦ and found Emily waiting inside. She ran forward, wrapped her arms around my neck, and planted a kiss right on my lips. βWelcome home, honey.β
I looked back toward God. βOh, donβt be coy,β he said. βYou have no secrets from me. We all know that you were in love with your best friendβs wife.β She didnβt seem to hear him at all; she went back into the hall. βWe all know that you just settled for your own wife while secretly pining after her. Well, this is your chance to live happily ever after.β
I peered into the kitchen. Emily was baking something, wearing nothing but an apron. Her curly black hair fell softly over her shoulder as she whisked ingredients. She turned back, noticed I was observing her, and an enthusiastic smile spread across her face.
βItβs what youβve always wanted, isnβt it?β God whispered in my ear.
I wanted to take it. God damn did I want to take it. But I shook my head.
God seemed puzzled. βYou need to make a decision,β he told me.
βI havenβt seen Pride yet.β
He scoffed. βNo one ever wants Pride, trust me.β
βWell, I want to see it.β
_________________________
Pride was boring. Just a row of workbenches in a bare white room.
βI donβt get it,β I told God.
βYeah, no one does,β he answered. βThatβs why no one ever chooses it. Doesnβt cavorting in Lust sound better than sitting here building little trinkets for the rest of eternity? Wouldnβt you rather gorge yourself in Gluttony? Or spend time with Emily in Envy?β
I considered the options again. βI pick Pride,β I finally told him.
He narrowed his eyes. βWhat? Look at it!β He gestured around the room again. There wasnβt much to look at. βWhy would you choose this for the rest of time?β
βBecause you donβt want me to pick it,β I told him. If he was really God, heβd know what a contrarian I can be. And I knew he was hiding something, trying to pretend like Pride didnβt exist. There was something special about it.
God scowled back. βFine.β He led me over to one of the workbenches. In the center, there was a black space. A blank, empty void that went on forever. βHereβs your universe,β he said. βYouβve got seven days to get started.β He took his seat at the bench next to me and went back to tinkering in his own world. After a long pause, he finally spoke again: βYou know, it might be nice for me to actually have some company for once.β
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