Scuttling Scylla

"Hmm?  I can show you what you can do, but what you will do is up to you.  I suppose that’s the issue, hmm?" 

They come back to Diethelm’s bedroom, where he promptly tosses the towels onto the bed and stalks over to the standing wardrobe.  He opens the dark wood doors, and starts to root around for something comfortable to wear.  He settles onto a tunic that falls just above his knees.  It’s green, as per his usual attire, and is simple compared to what he usually wears.  Subdued colors, sage embroidery, nothing shiny.  And he motions to Destan.  

"Well yeah. But ain't such a big thing now."

"What I can do huh?" He humms thoughtfully, walking back and ignoring the hand in favour of reaching over and grabbing a towel. "Lookin' forward to it."

"Hmm~  I do recon you’ll help me.  And I do know a thing or two about velvet… But you’re right.  I would have it so that furs would be all around to warm us."   He gently lays a hand on Destan’s hip and leans close to lay their foreheads together.

"Yeesh, what are you, m' mother?"

Moreso when the other berates him affectionately.

He supposes that learning tact for someone such as Destan might be hard to do.  He assumes, especially with who Destan is and how he communicates, that tact and timing might be something that will never be learned.  The idea makes him chuckle gently.  

Tactless bastard.  

He smiles endearingly.  

"'Our room' huh?"

Well, it's not that he didn't like the sound of that. But, you know, saying it out aloud was kinda something else. And, wel, sharing a room with this guy would probably be completely different than sharing with Marcel or, previously, Anatole. And, considering the other guy's track record, he might end up more tired than rested sometimes.

....

"Well I would recon I'd help ya." he replies suddenly, "Else it'll be all furs n' velvet n' I know y' know nothin' about how bad velvet can stain when used onna daily basis."

Then he sighs, rubbing at his eyes with his hand.  

"So now what, Destan. You have the entire world at your fingertips.  Now what do you do with it then, huh?  What’s changed?  You asked me if you’re supposed to wait on me?  Wait for me to give you permission to live how you please?"

The question still stands.  Nothing was answered, and not Destan just feels like a fool.  Diethelm gently touches his cheek again in a lamenting manner.  Small crab in a huge pond, he thinks. 

Though his tone loses it's heat by half because yeah, he guessed he could've asked. But wouldn't a rational person have assumed convenient portals were too convenient to exist right now? Wouldn't someone have not immediately thought 'Oh, there must be some teleporting shit around here so it's fine!'?

"Hey, I never said that. I jus' said I didn't know what th' fuck I was gonna do here. And don't insult me by sayin' I thought I needed your permission t' do shit. I jus-... Didn't wanna haveta leave ya t' go off n' do me own thing, yaknow?" Because he knew what that felt like. "But the other hand was stayin' here and doin' nothin'. I was worried about that. N' now that there ain't anythin' stoppin' me from buggering off n' comin' back on a daily basis, ain't nothin..."

Nothing really stopping him. Nothing stopping him from staying on a temporary contract or staying here on a permanent basis and filing for off base living arangements... or even quitting entirely and living here and finding... something else to do out there. Now with the worry of the ability to travel freely (and timely) between here and where ever, there wasn't a lot left to really worry about.

"...Well, ain't nothin' really I can think of that'd make me say no."

He still had no idea what the fuck he would do, in the end, but-

"You’re asking me what you can fill your time with?  You’re worried about sitting and being bored here?"  He shakes his head, forcing himself to refrain from rolling his eyes.  What an absurd question.  Completely ridiculous.  "Destan…"  He starts in a strange tone denoting almost some sort of adult speaking to a child.  (Which he might have gotten from being a father now.) "There are portals in the gallery to take you to major cities in the world.  Tokyo, New York, Paris.  You can go wherever you please.  You needn’t ask or wait for me.  If you want to go join some intelligence agency in Spain, you can do that.  If you want to open a small shop on the beach of small village in South America, then go do that.  You can do anything you want to in the entire world."  He sighs, brow furrowing upwards in a desperate way.  Slowly, the vampire’s hand comes up to cup the other’s cheek in a tender way.

"The world is open to you as you see fit.  All I wanted was for you to call this place home.  To come back to me when your day as over.  To find solace in this place.  But you seem so adverse to that idea, that I-… Well I just don’t know."  His hand gently drops only for him to smooth it over his now drying hair.  

"Like I said, Destan.  You need to figure out what it is that you want to do to fill your time.  I’m not asking you to give up freedom, I’m asking you to see some aspect of that in this place.  You think I want to capture you, to put you in this cage of a castle. That having an easy life with no boundaries is scarier then having a smaller cage, because at least then you can see the walls and you know what they are."  

That was it, wasn’t it?  The idea of endless possibility, for some, seems too much.  There had to be some sort of boundary for Destan to feel comfortable.  The question ‘what do you want’ is too open for the man to define.  

But it still needed an answer.

"I wanna know how th' fuck I was supposed t' know about that." He says blandly, the realisation making him feel equal parts an idiot and angry at the other guy for not. Just-

"I ain't a goddamn midreader n' this place don't come with a fuckin' directory of facilities."

No seriously, how the fuck was he supposed to know?!?! It's not like he used anything other than the teleporters here before! And, didn't Marcel and Destan use the trains and shit when they first got here? Wouldn't mentioning those portals have been super useful!?!? HUH?!

"And don't be an idiot!" He fumes, working himself into getting mad because, well, he's not too sure why but he's just starting to feel really pissed off. "There's a fuckin' reason I took a room on th' surface of th' bases yaknow! I didn't move in with Marcel when he moved neither! I don't care where it is, but if you're there then I don't give a shit about anythin' else, y' fuckin' shit! I was jus' worried 'cos I thought there was nothin' else here fer me t' do with m'self."

"To play house?"  Bad choice of words.  It shows on his face.

To play house was all Diethelm wanted.  To live comfortably, with the people he cared about around him, safe and sound.  That’s what his goal was.  And he’s beginning to think that that’s only his goal, and no one else’s.  

Other then being at my side?  Isn’t that enough?  Do you not want that?

He sighs.

"No, you’re right, Destan.  You do need purpose.  I just thought you might be able to find it here, with me."   How silly of me.  ”I can’t tell you why it is you live.  I couldn’t tell Etienne why either, and that’s why he’s where he is. Because he didn’t have a purpose in living.  That’s why Ariel had died.  Because he didn’t have a purpose in living. Lucian left to go and find his purpose and never returned.  Yivon did the same.”

I have tried to give you all the chance to find your purpose in a safe place, and you have all thrown it in my face. 

He turns his back now, and steps out of the pool, putting distance between them.  The vampire is traveling to the towel rack and tugging at the clothe to pat himself down.  Almost as if patting away the disappointment and anger he’d felt moments ago.  Now he’s just sad.

Right now, frustration didn't even cover when he was feeling. Shit. He was so disctracted he didn't even flinch with Yivon was mentioned.

"You-..." Just don't get it! "Hang on lemme try to explain it better dammit!" He fumes, scrambling out after him and again grabbing at him to stop him.

"Bein' safe ain't th' only thing!" Dammit how can he put it into words without fucking up? "Okay, say I chuck everythin', n' quit n' live here for keeps. Then what? Othern' enjoyin' each other's company, what else? You go off n' explore n' talk to people and socalise like the fuckin' problem sovler you are; but what about me? Do I gotta wait fer you all th' time? Should i jus' wander around tryna occupy myself? What else do do here?"

Though, maybe it was unfair of him to ask Diethelm that question. He had never thought of life past the industries, in all honesty. What else would he want to do anyway? As far as his books had told him, tailoring was a dying profession (not that there were many people in this place who really needed one.) Other than that? What could he possibly do here to occupy himself? Read all the books in the library? Catagorise the treasure room by type and weight? Unearth the ruined frame he knows is buried somewhere around here because he can feel it?

"What else can I do here?"

Study (if he could be arsed to) would require he leave this place. Travel would mean he'd leave. Anything would mean he'd have to leave. And it wasn't fair that Diethelm was acting like his reluctance to settle in one place was... was paramount to a breakup or something! This guy might be fine with sitting in a castle for the rest of his life, but Destan sure as hell wasn't.

"I want you to be here.  I told you.  I want to experience life with you by my side.  As my love.  But you’re so hung up on your own usefulness to see that, verdammt.  You say things like you’ll get bored, or you’ll feel alone.  Do you not there?  And so what if you do.  Then you find things to fill your time just as the rest of us do.  You seem to think that if you’re not working and living at that place then you’ve lost what makes you useful."

He sighs now, his eyes averting to the side while he thinks.

"I want you to be here too… And I want you to want to be here.  That’s all I wanted of any of you that I hold close to me.  It just…”  His eyes close and he shakes his head.  It just seems like very few of you wanted the same thing.

"Yeah, nah, I get that bit. And hey, it sounds great to me; but other than bein' at your side what else is there? What, m' I expected to play house fer th' next thirty, fourty years? At least there I get up n' I got shit I gotta do, even if its somethin' like runnin' intel t' other bases. Here... what would I be doin? Really?"

He would really like an answer to that one. 'Cos as far as he can see ahead, there wasn't really anything else that he would do by staying here. He'd just... be here.

"Bein' close ain't the problem!" He says, exasperated. "Th' problem is, yeah, I'll be here beside you but what else would I be doin'? Wanderin' the castle tryna occupy myself? 'Cos I sure as hell can't do that fer th' rest of m' life. I gotta be doin' somethin'. I need purpose. And yeah, that is th' problem. It ain't not fault 'f yours, 'f thats what y' thinkin'."

"I-"

What does he want? Security? A place somewhere? Proof of his existence? For that gnawing hole in the back of his head to be plugged up for once? To be active and do something to leave his mark here?

Shit, he doesn’t know.

"I dunno." He admits, staring hard at the still turned figure before him. "I dunno what I want."

But I’m happy where I am right now. Choosing is too hard and will signify change and I don’t know if that change will end up being good or bad. What’ll hppen if I freak out again and we fight and there’s no place for me to go anymore if you get tired of this? Between becoming happier than I already am, and possibly coming to resent you and having to leave, I’d rather stay the same.

Of course, he doesn’t say that - because what would be the point in that? It’d just cause a fight and that’s honestly the last thing he wants. Really.

But… there was some truth to the other’s words. He was right. He didn’t know what was out there. And what if he found something good? (or bad?) The thought of heading out…. is intriguing, he admits, but that would mean leaving Diethelm alone and he highly doubts that’s what the other guy wants. And he can’t imagine the other dropping everything to come with him. He had a kid to look after.

"But I do wanna be there. S’ like.. well, I was born there, yaknow? And out of everythin’ I got memories there.” Memories of a person that still burned even now. He hated that part of him, really he did. “I… Well, I don’t think I need to stay there forever but I never really thought about anythin’ past what I was doin’ cos-“

I never thought I’d make it this far, honestly. For all the fighting against dying, I have very little faith in myself, really. Surviving is always a nice surprise, but then I’m left not knowing what to do.

"…But I ain’t sayin’ I don’t wanna be here. ‘Cos I do. But… what use am I here?"

He’d been watching the other now, looking for something.  Some sort of regret or emotion, but all Diethelm can see is uncertainty.  A childlike noncommittal stance on his own life.  

And it infuriates him. 

The vampire can only chalk it up to the other’s strange life span.  And to the lack of experience in the world.  The fear that keeps him in shallow water, as it were, even if there was treasure to be found further down.  

"Use?"  He parrots, his face instantly turning sour.  "Is that it?  Do you think I look at you as a ‘use’ for me?  That if you’ve outlived your ‘use’ that you’re then ‘useless’ to me?  Is that it, Destan?"  Then in that light, what was Diethelm’s ‘use’ to the other?

It makes his brow knit downward in an accusatory frown.  

"What ‘use’ am I to you, huh?  Is that how you describe what we have?  A mutual ‘use’?"  

That hurt, a lot.  And it’s written on his face.  

Shit, calm down.

"I'm not sayin' what use am I to you. More like what use am I at all? If I'm here... I'll be here just for your sake and I... I want to be here. Not just told I want to be here. I wanna... be here without havin' any doubts. Without thinkin' 'huh, so I'm here for my lover and nothin' else' 'cos that worked out swell last time."

Dammit, but it wouldn't be like last time. (as much as he wants to beleive that, there's always that tiny speck of doubt that poisons everythin' else. Shit.)

"Yeah, I dunno what I want outta life, really. But I do know I wanna be someplace I won't think that I'm not doin' anythin, that I'm not somehow bein' useful or doin' somethin'. If left to my own devices-" I think too much and being left alone with my thoughts is a terrible place to be. "-I'll get bored n' listless, yaknow?"

"...n' I really dunno why y' even like me. What am I to you? Why do y' want me hangin' around?"

This was takin' a depressin' turn. But, oddly enough, he didn't feel sad or nothin'. Determined maybe, but...

"…Guess I don’t like change that much." He mumbles, for lack of his ability to voice his thoughts. "And, like I said, what would I even do? There’s nothin’ ‘round here fer miles n’ m’ pretty sure that villiage down there’s sus as fuck about this place. I doubt they’d be willin to hire someone livin’ up here. Even then, menial labour ain’t my thing.”

But it’s when the conversation turns to Etienne that he realises it might not have been the best thing to bring up. Then again, this wasn’t the first time Seithelm expressed distate for the subject. Meaning they probably wouldn’t really talk about it properly at all; between Deithelm’s reluctance and Destan’s anxiousness about it.

(But was it selfish of him to feel a little smug that the other guy wasn’t as important as him now? It was a shit thing to be feeling right now, and he sure as fuck knew it.)

When Deithelm starts to move, his lethargy moves aside and he finds his hand shooting out from the water to grab at the other’s wrist. Something about what he said sounded like finality, something like leaving the conversation where it stood but it seemed like that there was more to say. Wasn’t there?

“‘Where s’ right t’ be’? Whaddya mean right? M’ jus’ sayin’ what I feel.”

What was ‘right’? Was he implying something? (Probably not. Calm down.)

Angry?  I want you here with me.  I want to wake up at night with you.  I want to see you.  I want you to maybe be in Ahmose’s life.  I want…

A family.  

Damn it.

He bites his lip, eyes closing tightly and he gently tugs his wrist from Destan’s grasp.  But he remains standing there.  He forcibly calms himself down, taking a breath and then sighing it out.  He knows that if his thoughts are left unchecked, that he’ll spiral into hurt and frustration and probably storm off.  Or worse.  

"No.  I’m not angry."  He says finally.  

What is it that Destan wants?  It’s not the fact that he doesn’t want what Diethelm wants that bothers him.  (Maybe it does.)  But what bothers him is that Destan doesn’t know.  He hides it under the guise of ‘work’ or ‘duty’.  How to use one’s time.  ’Time’ is irrelevant to Diethelm, so he doesn’t understand such things.  ’Job’ is irrelevant.  

"Right?  Destan…"  He begins in a low tone.  "What is it that you want?  You’ve been told who you are since day one.  You’ve been told where to go, what to do, and how to do it in The Industries.  Is that what you want?  You haven’t tried other things.  You haven’t seen the world outside of that."  He turns back around now, and gazes down at the other man.   "So how do you know what it is that you want?"  He’s almost pleading in hopes the other will understand.

"You need to figure out where it feels right for you.  Does staying, living, at The Industries feel right to you?  Do you want to be there, Destan?  Because I don’t want you to be there.  I want you to be here, with me and…"  His eyes drift to the water again, losing focus.  

Am I just your occasional lover when you’re lonely?  Or when you’re fed up with being at that infernal place?  Do you have an idea of the future with me?  

He sighs gently and bows his head, shaking it a moment later.  

"I-"

What does he want? Security? A place somewhere? Proof of his existence? For that gnawing hole in the back of his head to be plugged up for once? To be active and do something to leave his mark here?

Shit, he doesn't know.

"I dunno." He admits, staring hard at the still turned figure before him. "I dunno what I want."

But I'm happy where I am right now. Choosing is too hard and will signify change and I don't know if that change will end up being good or bad. What'll hppen if I freak out again and we fight and there's no place for me to go anymore if you get tired of this? Between becoming happier than I already am, and possibly coming to resent you and having to leave, I'd rather stay the same.

Of course, he doesn't say that - because what would be the point in that? It'd just cause a fight and that's honestly the last thing he wants. Really.

But... there was some truth to the other's words. He was right. He didn't know what was out there. And what if he found something good? (or bad?) The thought of heading out.... is intriguing, he admits, but that would mean leaving Diethelm alone and he highly doubts that's what the other guy wants. And he can't imagine the other dropping everything to come with him. He had a kid to look after.

"But I do wanna be there. S' like.. well, I was born there, yaknow? And out of everythin' I got memories there." Memories of a person that still burned even now. He hated that part of him, really he did. "I... Well, I don't think I need to stay there forever but I never really thought about anythin' past what I was doin' cos-"

I never thought I'd make it this far, honestly. For all the fighting against dying, I have very little faith in myself, really. Surviving is always a nice surprise, but then I'm left not knowing what to do.

"...But I ain't sayin' I don't wanna be here. 'Cos I do. But... what use am I here?"

“‘S just… What m’ I gonna do? ‘f I live with ya, ain’t no way I’d be able to teleport to th’ bases every night t’ work.”

"Not that…" He starts again, "Not that it wouldn’t be nice t’ be close, but… well,  if I quit, then what? I ain’t that rich n’ m’ gonna get bored ‘f I don’t work. What else would I do anyway?”

He knew this guy had enough cash to live lifetimes in comfort, but he weren’t one to be completely dependent on another. Especially financially. He had some pride left, after all.

"N… well, Marcel… he means alot t’ me too n’ m’ pretty sure there ain’t no way he’d quit ‘cos why would he?”

Yeah, yeah, Marcel still meant alot to him. But thinking of missing either of these two idiots was, well, hard to think about. Mostly because it made him feel a little queasy. (Among other things.) It didn’t help that perhaps his trust in Marcel was slightly more than his trust in Diethelm (which made him feel sick to his gut because lovers and friends were on entirely different levels, but he couldn’t help but feel that way no matter how much he tried not to) and if it all went to shit tomorrow, well-

Urgh, that train of thought needed to be stopped in it’s tracks.

"And, well yankow… Th’ other guy y’ shacked up with is here so… I don’t wanna cause any trouble by bein’ here when he gets up yaknow?"

Either way, he knew that Destan wasn’t a hundred per cent on the idea.

But now Destan’s reluctance becomes more clear.  

"You become what it is that you want to be.  You’ve lived your whole life as something you were told you were.  Why not try to find out if that’s what you want to be.  Why not try something else, hmm?"  His finger tips gently caress Destan’s worried looking face.

"Marcel…  I’d honestly like it if he lived here also.  But… I can’t force him to go where he doesn’t wish to."  

How silly of him.  Diethelm can feel the beginnings of disappointment welling inside of him.  But he listens to Destan.  And then sighs.

"Etienne, he…"  He shakes his head, expression darkening.  "You have nothing to worry of Etienne, I assure you.”  Truth be told, Diethelm surely wouldn’t run back into Etienne’s arms.  Not in this life time anyway.  His sense of betrayal in the blonde is too deep and still hurts him too much, in ways that Diethelm himself can’t put into words. “I do not keep him in hopes that he will wake up and all will be as it once was.  I keep him here because I owe him that much.  Because he deserves to be safe.  Because none of our kind deserves to be thrown out like some kind of…”  He felt himself getting heated.  Anger wasn’t what he wanted to feel right now.

And so his eyes close and he lets out a low breath, calming himself.

"It’s alright Destan."  He smiles gently, now letting himself slowly drag his arms off the other’s neck, body drifting back in the water.  "You be where you think it’s right to be.  Where you wish to be."  He stares at him for a long moment.  

"...Guess I don't like change that much." He mumbles, for lack of his ability to voice his thoughts. "And, like I said, what would I even do? There's nothin' 'round here fer miles n' m' pretty sure that villiage down there's sus as fuck about this place. I doubt they'd be willin to hire someone livin' up here. Even then, menial labour ain't my thing."

But it's when the conversation turns to Etienne that he realises it might not have been the best thing to bring up. Then again, this wasn't the first time Seithelm expressed distate for the subject. Meaning they probably wouldn't really talk about it properly at all; between Deithelm's reluctance and Destan's anxiousness about it.

(But was it selfish of him to feel a little smug that the other guy wasn't as important as him now? It was a shit thing to be feeling right now, and he sure as fuck knew it.)

When Deithelm starts to move, his lethargy moves aside and he finds his hand shooting out from the water to grab at the other's wrist. Something about what he said sounded like finality, something like leaving the conversation where it stood but it seemed like that there was more to say. Wasn't there?

"'Where s' right t' be'? Whaddya mean right? M' jus' sayin' what I feel."

What was 'right'? Was he implying something? (Probably not. Calm down.)

Nothing to really worry about anymore.

~

Destan had suspected they would come back to this topic at some stage. But it still stood that he had no idea what he’d even do here. Unlike the Kid, who was more than happy to learn from the ladies in the greenhouses or explore the endless caves and corridors in this place, Destan was sure he would get tired of that shit real fast. Not to mention that most of the unexplored, and therefore interesting places were shrouded in darkness. And that in itself was a huge problem he had yet to get over.

Though… the other guy said just live there, right? So he could probably commute to… well, wherever he needed to go during the day when the guy was sleeping right?

Then again, the time difference between here and the bases was almost inverted, so unless he decided to mess his body clock and go completely nocturnal, it probably woldn’t work.

…He could quit, he guessed, but the thought of leaving that place behind again made him feel all sorts of uneasy.

"….." He’s not quite sure how to put it, rolling words around in his head. The other guy can be unpredictable, and he’d be pissed at himself if he caused some shit ‘cos of his poor choice of words caused a misunderstanding.

"I…" I’ll think about it? I dunno what I’d do here for the rest of my life? He could always take the easy way out and just agree and go with it. And not to mention this guy’s first lover was still here someplace in limbo.

He can tell it in the other’s eyes.  That apprehension.  That withdrawal. He smiles gently in spite of a nagging disappointment.  Maybe it was that forced closeness, smothering and shattering at the same time that he’d put onto Etienne that pushed him away.  Made him take leave of the living for his own mind.  

Slowly, he hand comes up to brush the back of his hand against Destan’s cheek.

"'S just... What m' I gonna do? 'f I live with ya, ain't no way I'd be able to teleport to th' bases every night t' work."

"Not that..." He starts again, "Not that it wouldn't be nice t' be close, but... well,  if I quit, then what? I ain't that rich n' m' gonna get bored 'f I don't work. What else would I do anyway?"

He knew this guy had enough cash to live lifetimes in comfort, but he weren't one to be completely dependent on another. Especially financially. He had some pride left, after all.

"N... well, Marcel... he means alot t' me too n' m' pretty sure there ain't no way he'd quit 'cos why would he?"

Yeah, yeah, Marcel still meant alot to him. But thinking of missing either of these two idiots was, well, hard to think about. Mostly because it made him feel a little queasy. (Among other things.) It didn't help that perhaps his trust in Marcel was slightly more than his trust in Diethelm (which made him feel sick to his gut because lovers and friends were on entirely different levels, but he couldn't help but feel that way no matter how much he tried not to) and if it all went to shit tomorrow, well-

Urgh, that train of thought needed to be stopped in it's tracks.

"And, well yankow... Th' other guy y' shacked up with is here so... I don't wanna cause any trouble by bein' here when he gets up yaknow?"

Not that he was complaining though. It was just somethin’ new, he guesses.

(The thought that the guy was listening to his heartbeat did cross his mind, but he quickly dismissed it because what was the purpose of doin’ something like that, huh?)

Nothing to really worry about anymore.

~

Destan had suspected they would come back to this topic at some stage. But it still stood that he had no idea what he'd even do here. Unlike the Kid, who was more than happy to learn from the ladies in the greenhouses or explore the endless caves and corridors in this place, Destan was sure he would get tired of that shit real fast. Not to mention that most of the unexplored, and therefore interesting places were shrouded in darkness. And that in itself was a huge problem he had yet to get over.

Though... the other guy said just live there, right? So he could probably commute to... well, wherever he needed to go during the day when the guy was sleeping right?

Then again, the time difference between here and the bases was almost inverted, so unless he decided to mess his body clock and go completely nocturnal, it probably woldn't work.

...He could quit, he guessed, but the thought of leaving that place behind again made him feel all sorts of uneasy.

"....." He's not quite sure how to put it, rolling words around in his head. The other guy can be unpredictable, and he'd be pissed at himself if he caused some shit 'cos of his poor choice of words caused a misunderstanding.

"I..." I'll think about it? I dunno what I'd do here for the rest of my life? He could always take the easy way out and just agree and go with it. And not to mention this guy's first lover was still here someplace in limbo.

Diethelm laughs.

Not that he was complaining though. It was just somethin' new, he guesses.

(The thought that the guy was listening to his heartbeat did cross his mind, but he quickly dismissed it because what was the purpose of doin' something like that, huh?)