courage, dear heart

for a moment, all edward could think of was how easy it would be to end the lives of these vile men. in an instant, they would be gone, dead, and no one would mourn for them. in an instant, he would turn back into the killer he used to be. it was not something foreign to him. in any other situation, he would have without hesitation. but then, he remembered the girl sitting in the car behind him. he couldn’t read her mind, but he knew she must have been terrified, knew this situation must be freaking her out beyond belief. and watching the boy she had been getting to know the past few weeks tear the throats out of some random guys in a dark alleyway would probably not do much to help her. the desire for vengeance traveled through his bloodstream, awakening nerves that had been dormant for years.

this was dangerous.

he snarled a vaguely worded warning at the men, stalked back towards the car, slammed the door shut, and sped off, no destination in mind, seatbelt flapping against his arm, a reminder to buckle it in place that was ignored by the amber eyed man. 

“are you okay?”

a deep breath. her scent washed over him, this time feeling more like a blanket of security than suffocation.

“did any of them touch you?”

another deep breath. he let his foot off the gas a bit, slowly getting the car to travel back at the speed limit.

and then he heard their thoughts again.

“can we please talk about something else? anything else you want to talk about, just do so, go for it, distract me from thinking about this.”

it was selfish, he knew, but he had to keep moving or else he would go back and those men would be dead.

bella was frozen in her seat, hands gripping tightly to her knees as her eyes stayed locked on edward through the windshield. she didn’t want to move, as if any sort of motion in the car would bring their attention back to her. she felt like an animal that had just escaped the clutches of a predator, her heart rate pounding, numbness starting to take over as she tried to push past the thoughts of what could have happened, what would have happened if edward hadn’t been there. 

how did he even know she was here? was he following her? keeping tabs on her as she wandered away from her friends? but that was a conversation for a different time, seeing him move away from the group, jumping in her seat as the door slammed beside her, feeling him beside her before she looked. she offered a sharp nod to his question. she was alright, or at least, she would be in the end. 

“no. no, you--” she cut herself off, not wanting to relive the moment any longer, her voice shaking as she finally turned her head to look at edward. she didn’t have to be a mind reader to see the anger, to know what he was most likely thinking. another nod followed his request, wanting to put it past them herself, rattling her brain for anything that could come to mind. 

“i’m planning on running tyler over in the morning.” she finally said, letting the panicked side of her take over, words flowing out with no filter. she had to forget about it as well, anything to distract her from their voices echoing in her ears. 

the hunting trip was sub-par. it was the same old thing, emmett playing with his food and making too many jokes for edward’s comfort level, edward being moody and tortured the whole time because he wasn’t spending time with bella. it was exactly what he expected it was going to be, right down to the dissatisfaction with the lack of mountain lions in the area.

sunny days sucked. while the weather clearing up felt great on his cold skin, it meant he was confined to the shadows, slipping past people, bella included, unnoticed until the sun subsided. he was forced to watch her through other people’s thoughts, hiding in trees and behind buildings, wishing he could be the one to brush past her in the hallway or to ask to copy of her english notes for the week.

the only solace came in composing music when he wasn’t out, following bella around. every time he thought of her, every moment he fleshed out more about her personality and the way she reacted to things, the piece was being built, the notes falling on the staff easily as if they always meant to belong in the position that he put them in.

it was torturous, not being able to talk to her and ask her how her day was and roll his eyes at her during biology, and by the time the last of the sunny days had begun, he was practically jumping at the opportunity to talk to her tomorrow. that was when he overheard her plans to go to port angeles that evening.

that wasn’t in the rulebook, that didn’t make it easy to keep tabs on her, so the only option would be to follow her there. it was decided simply in that moment, he couldn’t risk losing her, he couldn’t risk hearing about something happening to her the next day, knowing that if he had been there he could have stopped it. especially with alice’s nomad friends in the area.

he quickly found them in the dress store, listening in on jessica’s thoughts as she repeatedly tried on the same two dresses over and over again, trying to make up her mind between the two. there was no trouble they could get into in that store. maybe his siblings were right, maybe he had overreacted and blew the situation way out of proportion. 

he decided to check back in later, letting his thoughts linger to how great tomorrow would be, how nice it would be to sit beside her in biology again instead of above her in trees while she read jane austen. (yeah, that one wasn’t his best move, but who could blame him, he was a vampire in love, he did what he had to.)

however, when he checked back, there was something distinctly different about jessica’s thoughts, bella wasn’t with them anymore.

edward started to worry all over again.

the bookstore bella said she was going to appeared in jessica’s mind, and he suddenly had a new destination. driving into town right at sunset was dangerous, and he knew this, but if bella was truly alone he had no way of keeping tabs on her. alice had seen charlotte and peter go to seatlle, but what if they had changed their mind? what if there was some other nomad in the area? he had to check, his mind would not be at ease until he did.

he quickly headed to the store, warily getting out of his car to follow bella’s scent. the longer he couldn’t find her, the more concerned he got. he frequented this side of town often, he knew the trouble someone could get into in this area, and he didn’t want bella to find that out the hard way.

the remaining sunlight prevented him from walking further, so he got back into his car, tinted windows and all, and continued to look for her through the back streets of the town. 

as he drove, he aimlessly shuffled through the thoughts of people in the city, trying to catch a glimpse of her face, and when he finally did, it made him feel a lot worse.

he felt as if he was going to throw up, something impossible for him to accomplish as there was nothing in his digestive system for him to throw up, but the man’s thoughts were vile enough to make him sick to his undead stomach. as he sped closer to this man, he could hear the voices of the other’s around him, could see the fear in bella’s eyes through these sleazy men.

they were thinking of touching her.

they were thinking of stealing her away, thinking that no one would notice, thinking that they could get away with it, that she wouldn’t fight back, that she wouldn’t go to the police, thinking that-

it was at this moment, when edward was sure he could not take another moment of these men’s thoughts, that he rounded the corner, his tires screeching against the pavement.

he left the car running, flung open the door, and stalked towards these men, just moments away from laying a hand on her.

“don’t you fucking touch her,” he snarled, his voice coming out like a growl, like a warning sign, like the last thing they would ever hear. “get in the car,” he said to bella, standing in front of her, his eyes not wavering from the men in front of him.

how long would it take to kill them all? to stop them from ever thinking another vile thought again?

he narrowed his eyes at them, this meant war.

he didn’t want her to leave, he wanted to reach out for her hand and grab it, tell her the truth about everything, about how loving her felt like he was hyperventilating despite not having to breathe,  how every waking moment he spent without her was torturous because there was no moment he was not awake, either with her or thinking about being with her. he could drown in what he was feeling, let it wash over him for the years to come,but he decided that sharing that would probably scare her away and he didn’t know if he would be able to live with himself if that happened. “sounds like a plan,” he said, reaching out and taking the key from her. “i expect to see you in piece on monday, and i promise to come back without a scratch.” his gaze lingered for a moment, as if there was something else he was going to say, but he simply shook his head. “goodbye, bella.” see you in your dreams. and with that, he sped off, letting her scent wash over him, turning up the music to try and get the burning sensation in the back of his throat out of his mind.

days seemed to run on together after her last conversation with edward, her mind stuck on the next time they would see each other. la push wasn’t completely disappointing, too cold for her taste to call it a beach, but the stories jacob told her, the legends of the cold ones.. it got her thinking, more bullet points were being added to the theories, other ones being thrown out the window completely. but with each note she added, she felt more and more ridiculous. there was no way any of this could be true. they were just stories that were told to keep kids in line, weren’t they?

she thought she’d get some answers come monday, when they could sit at lunch once more, but disappointment flooded her once more. the cullens were absent, all of them gone for the day. she tried not to let it get to her, to keep her enthusiasm up for her trip to port angeles with angela and jessica that night. but she couldn’t shake it as she sat alone in biology. at least she had an hour before jessica picked her up, giving her enough time to build up her energy. 

jessica and angela went right into dress shopping, bella tagging along to throw out and thoughts she had on them, even though most of it was a simple ‘that’s pretty.’ or ‘it’s a good color’. her mind was elsewhere, despite her best efforts, and she was thankful that they ended the shopping quickly, having enough time for her to go off in search of a bookstore. “i’ll meet you guys at the restaurant.” she reassured them, before taking off on her own. it couldn’t be that hard to find one here, could it?

finding one, but deciding against venturing inside, bella made her way back down the now crowded streets, arms crossed over her chest as she kept her eyes on each passing building. there had to be a decent one nearby, this city couldn’t just have one bookstore. there was still time before she had to meet up with the others, and so turning, down what she soon realized was the wrong street, bella felt her heart beat quicken. her luck followed her everywhere she went, voices hitting her ears as she turned to see a group of four walking towards her. they were not the kind of people she imagined would be helping her find her way back to her friends. 

instead of staying, bella just nodded at them, hoping it would sedate the yelling and moved further down the unfamiliar streets. it was quieter here, and for a split second, bella had thought that would be a good thing, that it meant they had left her alone. but soon the voices filled her ears once more, this time closer, louder. she thought about just throwing her bag and running for it, taking off and hoping for the best, but even as she moved, trying to ditch the group, they figured it out. and all too quickly, bella knew she was trapped. her pepper spray had never even been unpacked from her suitcase, it didn’t seem necessary. phoenix was more dangerous than any place in washington. or so she’d thought. 

edward was flattered, no that wasn’t the right word, overjoyed more accurately described his feelings towards bella inviting him to go the beach with them. she wanted to spend time with him, right? that’s what that meant, right? she wanted him to get accumulated to her friend group so that he could easily assimilate into places that they all went together, right? or maybe he was reading far too much into it and she felt some sort of obligation to ask him. either way, as much as he wanted to scream yes, it didn’t matter. he couldn’t step foot on the reservation, even if he wanted to. “thank you for the invitation, seriously, but emmett and i are going hiking, and i promised him i’d go with. it’s bear season, and no one else in the family is quite up for the danger that comes with them,” he explained. again, not really a lie. “have fun, though, try not to trip and fall in the ocean and drown or get run over by a car or something before monday,” he said, the sarcasm in his tone easily masking the sincerity he felt towards his words.

she couldn’t help the disappointment that settled in her shoulders when he said he already had plans for the weekend. part of her hoping that he’d say yes, and save her from having to deal with mike, tyler and erik all at once. but she held it in, nodding at the explanation. “bear season? be careful around picnic baskets.” she said. if he could warn her not fall in the ocean, making sure he didn’t get eaten by a bear was reasonable. they were friends now, right? they had the right to worry about each other. “i’ll try not to play in traffic all too much, wouldn’t want you to miss the opportunity to stop another van.” she added, rolling her eyes as she finally opened the door, stepping out into the rain. she slung her bag over her shoulder, one hand shoved into her pocket as she felt her key. “oh, you need this.” she said, leaning back into the car to hand it off to him. the last thing she needed was someone trying to hot wire her car. “so, i’ll see you monday?” 

“please, don’t worry about it, i barely got to know them, it doesn’t hurt that much anymore.” and that, in the grand scheme of things was true as well. he knew his mother for seventeen years, he had known carlisle for almost one hundred. as much as he wanted to spend all day sitting like this, talking with bella and letting her know the tiny bits about him he allowed her to, the more questions she asked, the more he would have to lie, and he hated lying to her. “my brother and sister are great, love ‘em to death, but they’re gonna be kind of pissed if they have to keep waiting at school for their ride home. and the sooner i drive them home, the sooner we can get your truck dropped back off.”

he nodded to answer her first question, although the real answer was fishy. adoption? technically, but the amount of forged birth certificates that were passed around the cullen household was something that was not to be forgotten. “no, no, it’s okay. they, um, they passed away awhile ago. carlisle and esme are my parents now, no questions asked, i couldn’t imagine two better people to have raised me.” this was true, and it felt nice not having to lie for once.

bella speaking again called his attention away from the leaf on the tree in bella’s front yard that edward was intensely staring at. it was so easy for him to get lost in thought, so simple to take one idea and spiral until he was somewhere completely new. he was happy she stopped him before it got too far. edward let out a light chuckle, making it evident that he knew the tone of the conversation was shifting. “sure it is,” he said, rolling his eyes, but shifting his body so that he was more comfortable talking to her. “well, what exactly do you want to know?”

he nodded. of course she hadn’t. bella seemed to be the type to make smart, rational decisions, and dating someone who could put her in danger would be the opposite of smart and rational. but still, he had some hope. but still, he thought that maybe they would find a way to make a work. what a stupid thought to have, he was glad bella wasn’t the one who could read minds. “maybe not as outwardly scary, maybe inwardly so…” he trailed off, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. this wasn’t a conversation he had any interest in finishing.

it was easy to tell when the conversation started to turn down a different path, and bella tried her hardest not to show the awkwardness weighing down on her as they sat, the only sound coming from the rain, his fingers and the soft hum of debussy still in the background. it was calm, but the conversation before had ruined any calmness in her chest. “so, is it my turn for the twenty questions?” she asked, trying to change the subject, to go back to the ease of conversation they had earlier. “it’s only fair you tell me about your family too, you know.”

her answer washed over him. would he be the person she tested it with? nonsense, he could never meet her mother, could never have a normal relationship with her parents. they would realize that he never aged, realize that there was something off about him, and the whole thing would be ruined. but there was something so appealing about the idea of meeting her mom, of getting her mother’s approval for the relationship he wanted to pursue with her daughter. “so, you’ve never dated anyone scary? never pushed the boundaries on what your mom approves of?”

edward could have predicted that answer. it was becoming easier and easier to get to know bella’s personality, her quirks, the things that made her who she was. as long as he spent more time with her, eventually, he wouldn’t need to read her mind; he would be able to just guess what she was thinking. this was his plan, and he was sticking to it. “that’s really nice of you to say, do you think…” he trailed off for a moment, staring out the front window before direction his attention back to her. “do you think she would extend the same courtesy to you?”

in an instant, bella’s undeniable maturity was explained. of course she was more mature than other people her age, having an irresponsible caretaker does that to a person. it also explained why she didn’t like it when he tried to take care of her, she wanted to be the one taking care of someone else. her question took him aback for a moment. what lie could he come up with this time? “carlisle’s always said i’ve got an old soul,” he said, before switching the subject. “so, do you like your stepdad?”

there was something about how quickly edward dodged the questions about himself that made bella all the more curious. they had never really spoken about him and his family, and she had now made it her mission to find out more. if he was going to play twenty questions with her, she could throw it right back at him. “he isn’t wrong about that.” she added before phil came up. and bella had to think, she didn’t dislike him, but she hadn’t really gotten to know him all that well. “phil makes my mom happy, so, that’s all that should matter.”

as bella described her mother, edward couldn’t help but compare it to the way his own mother used to describe him, with that sort of glow one gets when describing someone that they truly care about and would do anything for. she sounded like she was talking about a child, not like it was the opposite way around. as he ended up at her home, he parked in the driveway, turning his attention to her. “are you truly supposed to be a junior in high school?” he asked, laughing at his own question. “you seem like you’ve been held back seven times, it’s astounding.”

the more bella spoke about her mother, the more her chest contracted. she hadn’t given herself time to truly think about her mother, about phoenix since she moved here. she knew it would hurt too much, and part of her wanted so badly to hop on a plane and go see her. thankfully, they pulled up to charlie’s house and the conversation shifted away from her mother. “someone had to be the adult growing up. everyone always said i was born forty.” bella shrugged at the question, a smile forming as he laughed. “what about you? you definitely don’t seem seventeen.”

as bella recognized the music, edward learned yet another thing about bella that made her different from any other human he had met before. she was an old soul, something that attracted him even more to her for obvious reasons. “it’s one of my favorites,” he said, adjusting the volume a little louder before putting her address into his gps and putting the car into drive. as he slowly began to move forward, he took a deep breath through his nose, letting her scent wash over his body and the familiar stinging settle back into his throat. he began to like the feeling of being unbearably thirsty, simply because it meant he was spending time with her. “what’s your mother like?” he choked out, trying to find some sort of a distraction.

“mine too.” bella said as he turned it up, a smile crossing her face as the sound filled the car. she hadn’t listened to it since moving to forks, it felt almost wrong to listen to it without her mother. “my mom would play classical music around the house a lot, when she attempted to clean.” she explained. it was rare that her mother ever cleaned for more than five minutes, usually breaking off to have her own dance breaks while bella finished up. at his question, she looked towards him and then back at the road, trying to come up with some way to explain her mother. “she’s childish, and insane. she always starts a project and never finishes it, and moves onto the next thing, half of our house was filled with sea shells she meant to make into wind chimes.” she started, missing her more with each word. “she’s an awful cook, but can order take out like it’s her job. she’s my best friend.”

“i promise you, she won’t mind.” as she finally gave in, a satisfied smile settled its way onto his face. sure, she was stubborn, but her safety was his number one concern now, and driving her home was the only way he could guarantee she would be okay. once in the car, he turned up the heater, turned on the music to a low volume, and unlocked his phone. “address please, ma’am,” he said, starting up his directions app and tapping the fingers of his free hand on the steering wheel to the notes of the music playing.

“i’m holding you to that.” bella said, taking her bag off before climbing into his car. she pulled her seat belt on just as she heard the familiar melody of one of her favorite debussy songs. she couldn’t help the surprised look that crossed over her features as the realization came. “you like debussy? i didn’t think anyone in our age range even liked classical.” she added, looking back at him as he asked for her address. “right, 47 wiley street. it’s at the end, you have to round this corner, so it seems like you’re going the wrong way, but you won’t be.”

“i can just have alice drive it home for you,” he said nonchalantly. “it’s not a big deal at all.” all he wanted was for her to say yes, to spend the time in the car with her, to challenge himself a bit more to see if he could be in closed quarters with her. he pulled his keys out of his pocket, unlocking his car and hearing the noise coming from right behind him. “it’s right here,” he said, head nodding towards behind him as he steered their walk in the direction of his volvo. “come on, say yes, pleaseeeee,” he said, batting his eyelashes in a joking manner.

“she wouldn’t mind?” bella asked, worried to be putting any of his family out. she doubted they liked her very much, especially to have to drop her car off. it didn’t seem like something that would make any of them like her more.. and for whatever reason, she wanted so badly for them to like her. her head turned to spot his volvo, playing back all the times she had cursed at that specific car, never once thinking edward would be driving her home. “fine, okay! i just need my car back before charlie gets home.” she said as they reached his car, sliding into the passenger seat, her brow furrowed in annoyance. she still believed she was perfectly capable of driving herself home. and bella was nothing, if not stubborn.

even when he had asked the question, he had known that she was going to say no. the fact that he was getting to know bella and the way that she worked a bit more made him ecstatic, but he worked hard to hide those emotions as the two of them walked outside, the rain coming down softly on the both of them. and as she raised her head to look at the sky, another unique aspect of all that was bella swan was made clear to him. she didn’t wear any makeup, didn’t worry about the rain streaking her mascara or melting her concealer off, and all that did was prove to him how unbothered she was by most other people, something that drew him in even more. but as bella began to wal away from him, he went into panic mode thinking of all the things that could happen to her on her way home. she was still not feeling well, it would be very easy for her to get into an accident of some sort, and this thought terrified him, so he quickly moved to stop her in her path, standing in between her and he truck. “what if i drive you home? just to make sure that you make it there safely. you’re still not feeling well, and i have cat-like reflexes. i just think that it would eliminate the possibility of something bad happening on the drive home, which would be good for us all.”

bella expected that to be the last of their conversation, for her to just be able to go home and put the last few hellish hours behind her. the last thing she expected was for edward to block her path. it was still all so confusing for her, going from how he treated her when they first met to now? before he couldn’t get away from her fast enough, but now.. it wasn’t like she was complaining, to have these few moments alone with edward. just the two of them... her heart started racing, they’d never been alone before. there was always someone near by. what if she said something stupid? “but-- what about my truck? i can’t leave it here all night, i won’t be able to get back to school tomorrow.” she said, despite her mind screaming at her to say yes, she was trying to come up with some kind of excuse. fuck these nerves. “and char-- my dad. if he sees the truck not there, i don’t really want to explain the fainting spell to him..”