-get a stable high paying job.

-go to a mexico trip.

I started to learn how to talk about my feelings with him but now im starting to realize that it is pointless because he will never be emotional enough for me.

Its always me who will understand what im feeling. Its always gonna be me who will be there at the end. I have a lot of thoughts last night. We fought again. Its so fast. It was a conplete 0 to 100 real quick.

June 29, 2024.

We agreed to hang out today. I told him im gonna come and see him at 12. He called me early in the morning to wake me up. He called me earlier than my alarm and when i told him i have an alarm and i wanted to sleep more, he started getting frustrated at me. I dont think i deserve that first thing in the morning. When i told him i need 8-9mins he dropped the call. After that, i texted him that im awake now. He just said: okay. Then i voiced out that my mood is off now: My mood is off now. Why are you being like this first thing in the morning? I have an alarm. I just needed a few minutes. Ill get there by 12.

He just kept saying that if he didnt do that sooner i wudnt get there by 12. He didnt even give me the chance to not be late. He just assumed that im already late ans started calling me out that im never on time. Im always late. Okay, its true im always late. But im always coming over. I live far from him and it takes time and effort to get to his place. He only sees me being late and not the effort i do for him. Not only that, i get home super late and does he uber me home? No. Im lucky if he walks me to the subway. I think this is one of the reasons why i got so mad at him for calling me out being late first thing in the morning. Its bc he only cares about himself.

you ignored me - why are you ignoring me. i feel so alone. i already told you numerous times. it triggers me and you dont do anything about it. you keep doing it. you made it worse by not talking to me.

i drop everything for you when you want my attention. atleast answer my calls or call me back. im done. this made me realize a lot of things. shes your first option and im only second. stop giving me bullshit answers.

now that you already know i needed you, you didnt do about it. you dont care cuz youre with her. i already told you how i feel numerous times and i just dont see any do you ever think what im feeling earlier? i felt so alone. and knowing that youre spending time with her and u cant be bothered didnt help at all. im done feeling like this. so i wanna end things with you now. i wanna move on with my life. im done explaining things over and over again. i dont wanna go over these again. i dont need someone that cant be there when i needed them. i want someone to assure me when im having weird thoughts. i want someone who will be there with me as much as ill be there for them. i want someone who can proudly tell people im their person.

i shouldnt be begging for these things. this isnt the first time i voice out these feelings and yet no improvements.

im so mad at you. how can you have fun and ignore me while im having these thoughts. its like you dont care about me. im so mad at you i want to do the same thing to you. i want you to feel what im feeling. i want you to know that its not okay but im not gonna do that to you. i think its best to just end this here. cuz im done repeating myself. im done voicing out what i dont want.

you guys have a history and you dont care. she already told you she doesnt wanna be with you and she wants to move on yet here you are inserting ur life to her. am i not enough? do u really need two woman in your life? im sorry im not okay with any of these. i never were. i dont know why i keep letting myself be treated like this.

i dont wanna be with someone who thinks thats its unfair being with me. whats funny is i feel like its unfair for you to ask me all this things when you havent even ask me to be your girlfriend.

you always say "my girl" but you dont even have the courage to own up to it. but now im realizing that maybe youre just telling me that to keep me around. whats stopping you to ask me to be official? is label so important to me? yes it is. i told you before i dont feel certain with you. youre full of uncertainty and i dont like when i dont know whats gonna happen.

you wanna talk about fairness? lets talk about fairness then.

January - you told me its a busy month for you, its an expensive month. blah blah. okay fine! whatever. did you hear stuff from me? no. i accepted that. i didnt say anything cuz i didnt think it was unfair. did i get what i want?? no. our montreal trip. you said youre gonna pay me. wheres the man of his words? i dont think you have the right to tell me ure a man of ur words. atleast i pay you when i say im gonna pay you. anyway doesnt matter now bc i enjoyed that trip with you. i get to spend time with you. did i think it was unfair that i paid for the whole trip? no. bc it was for your bday and as long as we had a fun time thats all that matters. i never once thought it was unfair for me.

February - you told me, "just let me go on my trip. after i come back." you implied youre gonna ask me when you come back. talk about bringing someone up then letting them down real quick. then you come back and thats the first thing on your to do list. suddenly, "youre not ready" suddenly, you need time to learn to be alone. that wasnt fine with me, i told you that. i told you im just gonna move on. you ask for time, you said you werent ready. did i tell you "you werent gonna be ready?" no. i gave you time. i respected your decision. did i think that was unfair for me? yes. but i tried to understand where youre coming from. did i get what i want? no.

also i think if you really like or l someone you wouldnt think of "fairness" that just told me a lot of things on how you see me or how you value this - whatever we have.

remember why im so nervous last saturday when you made plans for us? cuz part of me hoped that youll finally gonna ask me but part of me doesnt wanna be disappointed. guess what happened? news flash! another disappointment. but surprisingly this one didnt bother me that much compared to the other times so i guess im doing great on that department.

i dont go out partying with you, suddenly i get all what i want. also you gave me a short notice, how can i prepare myself for that. i dont like spontaneous plans. if you cudve just given me a weeks notice then i wud say yes.

i dont wanna sleepover, suddenly im the bad person. i dont wanna go home late, suddenly you see it as i dont wanna spend time with you. you always just walk me to the door, you rarely walk me to the subway, and it only happens when were already out or when you have somewhere to go after. do i think that was unfair? do i consider that as you dont wanna spend time with me? no i didnt.

i cant drink that much, suddenly it bothers you. i dont like drinking but i try it for you. every drink is hard for me but i still try but suddenly you see it as i dont try enough that i dont practice.

i was late a couple of times, i didnt know it was such a big deal that youll bring it up until now. you were late sometimes too but its okay for me, as long as you show up. did i think it was unfair? no.