I WILL eat your bird seed

Mood stabilizers are so fucking stupid, I asked and was upgraded from olanzapine by my psych because of my most recent manic episode, but I still feel like I have the same amount of control over my emotions as I did before. My mood might be stable and more consistent but now it feels like I have to choose between being the town freak or being consistently miserable and waking up in the morning feeling like it's a punishment for some crime I committed in a past life. Yeah, the whiplash is over, but I'd rather feel pain than be unable to feel anything at all, the monotony is just making me more delusional in the long run and despite being on antipsychotics it feels like the realization that I have to be on this med that'll make me get Alzheimer's by my 50s or risk making horrible decisions all the time for the rest of my life is slowly driving me to madness

The cross I have to bear not being an unaware dumbass, but a self aware dumbass

You ever looked up from the bottom of the hole you've dug for yourself only to realize you can't see the sky anymore?