milk

it’s probably so dramatic but, honestly it’s been 2 nights since the show and I feel so connected to how I felt that night that it honestly might’ve been one of the best nights of my life, despite the fact I didn’t do that much too much or a lot of socializing but like the emotions I didn’t cry but I wanted to. I can’t put it into words but the crowd, the energy, being pushed around everywhere, the noise, pushing others, the physical exhaustion, feeling the music, recognizing it.

I try I try again and again and again and again and I just can’t I can’t. masking hurts but I love the joy I can bring others. I just wish I had that joy for myself. I want to be happy, I understand it’s a one step at a time kinda thing but how many more steps? how many more seconds? minutes? hours? days? weeks? months? years? summers? winters? I just want to get there. it’s this constant loop in sad sad sad sad sad sad. okay okay okay okay. i go to myself and say wow I feel kind of okay right now it’s crazy how just last week I was feeling like I was so so so low. then the next day for another week it crashes again. then I come back up for another few hours. days. a week. then I crash again. I wish I can say happy instead of okay but I never am. I’m sometimes happy in specific moments. but joy? no. for years and years and years. I just want to be okay. I want things to last. I want to remember today, tomorrow, yesterday, my childhood, my friendships, my family, who I was. I hate who I was. i’m filled with disgust. but at the same time I barely remember that person. only fragments. and the fragments my brain feeds me…i’m not satisfied. I’ve changed, i know I have. but what difference does it make when I still feel this way. this pain. eventually i’ll be old, I’ll look back. all the missed opportunities, regret, the fact I won’t be able to live these years again. but i’m losing it. i’m losing my reality my memories. I want my life back, I can say back but when did I ever really have it. maybe I did when I was younger but all of that time I spent in the most toxic dynamics with the most toxic people and the result of that shaped who I am. I can recognize those flaws in those people, how they harmed me. how so blissful it felt in the moment I did get that feeling of being seen. the attention. so i’d always crawl back. i’ve dI understood their flaws. but I can’t understand how they affected me totally. but I want to. I know i’m different, i know i’ve changed. but what difference does it make when im still running in these circles. maybe my past doesn’t define me. but it built me. it’s not fair. i’ve declined, I used to feel much smarter, I used to be form sentences much clearer, have my thoughts prepared, actually properly use punctuation, etc. the brain fog has consumed my thoughts my thousand thiughts a second are now just raindrops on the car window. all of my life has been two seemingly simple tasks, survive, and endure. I want to create a future but the staples of the past. the staples are still in my skin.