simon has never really touched himself.
sure, he’s tried to have a wank before, but growing up in the same bedroom as your younger brother and getting ripped to shreds if you were in the shower longer than 5 minutes didn’t give him many opportunities to relieve himself.
he signed up for the military pretty early on in his life and it consumed all of his waking moments for months on end. running obstacle courses over and over till he felt nauseous and having to dodge an entourage of bullets while simultaneously taking down enemies left his body exhausted. no energy left for the bullshit of rubbing one out at the end of the day.
it had only gotten worse after what happened in mexico. the feeling of arousal soured with fear the moment he pulled his zipper down. it was enough to avoid any pleasure all together.
what’s between price and him is a very new part of their dynamic. born out of simon’s failed attempt at a hookup and running to price for reasons he’s not quite sure of. ghost was irritated with the entire situation and his lack of control over his emotions made it even more frustrating. he trusted price enough to see his offer of navigating a relationship through, even if he half thought it was a joke.
“we do everything at your pace. no pressure to act on anything, just see what works for the both of us.”
price was irritatingly tolerant of ghost’s avoidant nature. days would go by with no sighting of the lieutenant past briefings and the only words spoken to one another were ones of business and price still never demanded any progress. simon was so used to the push, the expectation to do more, that only feeling that pressure from himself left him unsure if any of what they talked about that night in price’s office was more than an alcohol-induced fever dream.
ghost continued to not pursue anything out of nerves and while price never pushed, he’d begun to ask,
“gonna head home. you comin’?”
the abrupt change in behavior had thrown ghost off. he eyed price with a caution reserved for missions, assessing his options and the potential consequences that came with. eventually simon said no, and that would be the end of it. price would say goodnight and leave ghost to stew in the what-ifs.
it took almost 2 weeks of the same casual question and price’s annoying patience before he finally said yes through gritted teeth.
the first night spent at price’s flat had simon’s hair standing on end, sweeping the small apartment from room to room as if he was bunked in enemy territory. price understood simon’s nerves. some days he felt the same when the place was too quiet for his liking. once again price did not try and push, just asked simon what he’d like to eat as his absence in mess was very much noticed.
there were a multitude of options for simon to choose from per price’s impromptu grocery runs the past couple of weeks. while he had never really made sure to keep the pantry stocked before as he rarely ever visited his flat, he wanted to be prepared in the rare event that simon would take his olive branch. it had been a nice reset spending the last few nights in a real bed, regardless of his actual intentions behind staying there.
after a few minutes of simon’s glare burning a hole into the open cabinet, he figured that this is probably a decision he could make for the both of them.
this arrangement of price inviting simon over to his place for a meal and sitting on the couch watching tv or reading a book afterwards continued on for several weeks. while most of the time it was spent in silence with ghost white-knuckling the armrest, there were rare occasions where simon would migrate his way to the middle of the couch and melt into the cushions, leaning into price’s space enough that he could feel the warmth radiating off of him. a rare hand rested on price’s knee when he felt particularly brave.
price internally preened as this had become a more frequent occurrence between them. there were some hiccups along the way in the form of simon pushing for more than he could handle before inevitably dropping, but the man had seemed to have come to terms with the fact that taking it slow was the only way this was going to get any easier.
simon had begun branching out in other ways in the time he’d been staying. taking showers with the door unlocked, borrowing sweats out of john’s closet, insisting that he do the dishes if price is going to cook all the time. he has even started sharing a bed with price. even if most nights he sleeps with his back turned facing the wall on the furthest corner of the mattress possible, sleeping next to someone is something simon never thought he could ever do outside of the necessity of their work.
it fills him with enough confidence to take another step forward.
another night sat together on the worn plush of the love seat has simon testing the waters. already began inching his way over to the middle of the couch, so he continues the familiar routine with resting a hand on price’s thigh. john flips a page in his well loved novel as simon watches the television. the silence is comfortable.
that is until it isn’t and simon gets tired of john glancing over at him for well over a minute and finally meets his gaze.
“you’re tense. something wrong?”
he raises a brow, waiting for simon to speak his mind. he hadn’t even realized how straight he’d been sitting.
it had price’s face shifting a little, enough that simon can tell it surprised him. john puts the dog-eared book down on the end table and faces simon completely, nerves oozing down his spine.
his voice is soft, regarding simon with such a warm look that ultimately reassures him despite his racing heart.
he looks away for a moment while he gathers the words.
“can’t….get off,” he so elegantly blurts out.
enunciates the last two words strangely, foreign to his tongue. so uncomfortable with this kind of situation he can’t help how red his face gets under the intense gaze of his captain.
he expects judgment, to be scrutinized for his lack of knowledge on the subject of something as simple as masturbating, but price just nods. like this is the most normal thing he’s ever heard.
“debrief, lieutenant.” price locks his hands together as he speaks, leaning into something more comfortable for the currently struggling man. “what’s the issue?”
“every time i try to..” he gestures to his crotch, “i just don’t know what the hell i’m doin’.” he digs his palm into his eye socket as he sighs, desperately wanting this conversation to end. “nothing works no matter how fuckin’ hard i try and it’s not-“
a tender grip around simon’s wrist stops the flow of words, price slowly pulling his hand down towards his face and encompassing it with his own worn fingers. simon’s blurry eye refocus on the man he trusts so dearly.
“s’ alright,” john whispers, kissing the raised edges of his knuckles. simon shakily exhales the breath he’d been holding.
