Why do I feel like I'm choking lately?

Ah, yes, my… homie. I am gradually learning the customs of your country. It started with coffee and might end with this:

I’ve not yet decided.

I promise there is nothing that weird going on. I just thought the act would be funny.

They embraced for a long time, clinging to each other, and Kyle stayed silent, stroking Jimmy’s hair as he felt his boyfriend’s silent tears leak through the cotton his shoulder was clad in. He hoped Jimmy might just let it all go and launch into a full-fledged sob fest, just because he knew well enough himself how cathartic crying could be. But even this was growth, growth in a major way, and sort of a tribute, too. Even by conventional standards, this sort of thing was pretty appropriate. Maybe, he silently decided, he would tell Jimmy that later on. He might like the idea of having some sort of normalcy in relation to his mom’s death considering nothing with his family had ever been traditional. Except maybe his mom and her faith, but she was weird about that too, and Kyle wasn’t sure if that was a Jewish thing or a Jimmy’s mom thing. Even though his own family was residing on like, the opposite coast of “conventional”, there was love in their household… no matter how overbearing or odd it might be. He’d always wanted to share that with Jimmy, and always did his best to, but it was hard to try and mask or replace his boyfriend’s memories. It wasn’t like he could just cross them out with a red pen and rewrite them like he did with scenes in his notebook… no matter how much he wanted to rework Jimmy’s back story. The only thing he had any say in editing was their present and their future.

***

Some time and many thoughts later, Kyle turned enough so that he could press his lips to Jimmy’s temple while his face was still buried in Kyle’s shoulder. 

He knew he was lucky to have Kyle there, and that only made him press his face even harder into Kyle's shoulder like that would make it seem like he loved him even more. Lately he'd thought a lot about how much he loved Kyle -- not that he didn't usually -- and he realized just how much Kyle did for him. Jimmy hadn't hidden the ring, it was in his pocket and it felt like it was gonna burn a hole in his jeans with how much he worried about it. It wasn't super nice, but he figured he needed one if he wanted to propose to Kyle. It could have been a lot nicer, it was a pretty simple band and Jimmy had hoped to get it engraved or something, but he hadn't had the time and this seemed like such a great moment..

Maybe he didn’t need to speak, maybe there was nothing to really say, or no right things to say. Maybe just being here with Jimmy on the grass in the park in the dark was more than enough. It wasn’t like he could resurrect Jimmy’s mother, and it wasn’t like Jimmy even necessarily would wish for that. Kyle was chewing his lip now, biting skin off it—a bad nervous habit—and knowing he’d regret it later when it was sore. He breathed in deeply and leaned forward to reach for the discarded flowers with his free hand. He managed to collect them and stretch enough to place them up against the base of the tree, all without letting go of Jimmy’s hand.

As he settled back in the grass, he turned in more towards Jimmy and leaned in enough to place a soft kiss on his boyfriend’s jawline, resting his forehead against the side of Jimmy’s face and staying there. It must have been minutes of silence, but it was okay, at least he was pretty sure it was okay, because Jimmy was silent too and he wasn’t crying or angry or at least didn’t seem it. 

He found himself wiping at his eyes and nose with his sleeve just a little too frantically for just tearing up a little. He really didn't want to cry here, even if he knew Kyle wouldn't care if he did or not, in fact Kyle would probably love how genuine the moment was, and he almost smiled at that and felt the tears start to fall. He silently thanked Kyle for letting him open up like that at his mom's tree. It was like... Moving to him, and he found himself throwing his arms around Kyle to like, sink into the moment or whatever.