Why Am I Always The Paradox?

I tried, but I couldn’t do anything.

My mind is a room that I locked you in

And I’m sorry that I ruined everything.

I never meant to do this shit to you.

I can’t stop; I don’t know what to do.

You know what they say about scorpions;

They can’t manage to stop their stings.

No matter how much they love their prey,

I wonder if

Deep down, I know

That I’m destined to drown

In all of the messes I’ve made,

And this is just my way of ensuring

That when the water begins pooling,

It’ll start with the softness of your smile

And finish with all of your good intentions.

You’ll be the appetizer in the World’s feast

To go against your nature

Because I don’t think

I have the strength

To turn my back on mine,

And I know I won’t

Be able to live

If I’m the reason

But I guess I’m a liar

Because I checked out long ago,

As I’m sure you’ve noticed.

I wish I could say I’m sorry,

But I don’t want to add

And now I’m seeing things differently.

I guess dreaming of you made me feel

Things that are unquestionably real.

It took me a bit to realize how much I care,

But I’m here now and I won’t go anywhere

As long as you’re willing to have me.

Even then, I might be willing to plead

For all of the things I think we could be.

I think we’d make the perfect team.

Long before we ever came together.

I thought my blind hope

Would be enough

To save us from ourselves,

But it wasn’t strong enough

To avoid the destruction of us.

Somewhere in the back of my mind,

I think I knew

That we would never work,

No matter how much I wanted you.

I guess I’ve always known

That my 2am hope

Dies when the sun comes out.

What I mean to say is:

I said that I would follow you

Anywhere you decide to go.

I hope that now,

In the light of day,

As long as you

Keep asking for more.

I’ll give you everything

That I’ve got,

Regardless of the pain

It might cause.

I’m more than willing

To break my back

Under the pressure

Of your expectations.

I’d rather die

Than disappoint you,

So I’ll keep going

Until you tell me

To give it up.

If you never do,

I guess I’ll give

Each time you're hurting.

I need you to know

That I'm not going to leave you,

Not again.

I'm so sorry for what happened

Back then.

I know you're not mad about it,

But I still wish I could go back.

I would remember that you needed me.

I would remember that I needed you too.

We spent too long apart,

Both doubting

The other's heart.

In my hardest times,

I didn't call.

Still, you were there

At the end of it all.

Sometimes it felt like it was too much,

But then you reminded me not to give up.

You're having a hard time now.

I just hope I can help

Because even after all of this time,

You are stuck in a box

That they labelled.

They didn't even get to know you first,

They just glanced at you and decided

That you were going into that box.

Sure, the box is livable.

You can survive in there

If you give it everything you've got,

But you shouldn't have to almost die

Just to live.

I'm telling you now

Because no one told me:

You can get out of that box.

You can reject the label

They have thrust upon you.

I'll promise you now

Because no one took the time

To promise me anything:

The world outside that box

Is so much more

From all the things I've done wrong.

For that to work, I have to let you go.

I'm ready now, I'll just take it slow.

I hope you can understand

Why I can no longer hold your hand.

It's not that I don't want to,

It's that I do,

Just not in the way you think.

You're my friend; I don't want you to sink.

The thing is, I can't let myself drown

Just because you're going down.

I've got somebody else to think about,

So if I have to, I will cast you out.

You're no longer my priority,

Still, I hope you end up happy.

I can't have you

In my life right now,

So please

I know you're scared,

But you're strong enough to leave

That darkness behind.

Shrinking girl, please come home.

I miss who you once were.

The biggest parts of you are gone,

And I just wish they'd come back.

Shadow girl, I see stars in your eyes

Even when you try to hide.

You've been hurt many times,

But I know you can keep climbing.

Shrinking girl, know that I love you.

I'll be by your side if you want me,

No matter what happens.

You don't have to make yourself small.

Shadow girl, I miss your brightness.

It's what makes you who you are.

Shrinking girl, let yourself be bold

I'd tell you that I loved you

Because of your flaws,

Not in spite of them.

I'd tell you that I always wanted to kiss

The inside of your wrists,

And that your smile made me forget

How to breathe.

I'd tell you that you were my favourite

Smell, and that I couldn't sleep

Without you beside me.

I'd tell you every single thing

That I loved about you,

Which would include everything,

Even the things I hated about you.

I'd promise to communicate better

Because I know I'm too silent.

I'd promise to fight

When you pushed me away

Because I know you just wanted me

To show that I actually wanted you.

What I'm saying is:

So many of my relationships have fallen

Through the cracks.

I couldn't seem to keep them alive,

No matter how desperately I wanted to.

For a long time, I tried blaming everybody else

For the gaping holes in my heart.

It was easier than accepting

That it was me

Who pushed everyone away.

I know now that it's always been my fault.

I guess I never really believed

My heart has so many things to say,

But my mouth doesn't know how.

I am filled with so much,