I feel like I have something to prove, that by not seeming desperate, Iām showing you whoās in charge- I control the situation by not going a step farther in order to strip away the power you have over me by not responding. Doing this gives me the upper position; Iām winning.. until you send me a message. It could be a selfie, a message that -in other words- asks me to hang out, or a video of you singing along to songs while youāre driving. Real cute by the way, but please be safe while youāre driving. I, if for some reason no one else, care about and worry for you. Youāre such a dynamic soul, and those bits of sunshine you let out for me were tantalizing. You make me want to learn more about you, try to understand you, and all at the same time you make me want to be unconscious. I donāt know if thats a good thing or a bad thing, but it keeps me on my toes for now. You make me want to slow down and take my time. You make me want to chase a life that Iāve always wanted to live, but have not had the motivation to do. But you also make me want to rethink it all. I donāt know how to trust, which isnāt your fault. And I know I shouldnāt listen to what other people say who dont have the entire story,, but not many people are in favor of me and you,, at least that Iāve talked toā they say youāre ābad news,ā ānot the real *name* anymore,ā and they tell me to stay away. I donāt know if youāre going to leave me, so Iām scared to open up completely. Thats never ended well for me. You know exactly what Iām talking about too. You were there when it all blew up,, or should I say when *I* blew up. My subconscious tells me its my fault nobody sticks with me. My mind tells me that there must be a problem with myself if my boyfriend of almost 2 years couldnāt trust me. My mind tells me that Iām definitely an issue if my best friend of 4 years will leave me ignored and alone after sharing the most intimate and (personally) vulnerable of experiences with eachother. My mind tells me that I am the problem and that no one will stay because I am too different. I have too many faults. Iām too independent, Iām too focused, Iām too goofy, Iām too quiet when I shouldnāt be, or Iām too talkative when I probably shouldnāt be. Iām too shit faced when Iām slightly drunk, Iām too boring, Iām too childish, Iām just too me. But none of my issues are your fault. You didnāt hurt me.. First. Youāre just proving my mindās point- Iām going to end up losing you,,, if I havenāt already. I guess this is all to say: please donāt go.
Glad you left. Iām soo much better without you.
