The Arrival of the Royal Baby, as Told by a String of Tweets from Maureen Johnson
Really proud to be the official US Twitter account for the release of ROYAL BABY NEWS! Thanks to everyone at the Palace! *waves at box*
2.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā THIS JUST INā¦all the spiders in England are starting to move in the direction of the St. Maryās Hospital, London. IT IS A SIGN!
3.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā If you are around St. Maryās, make way for the millions of spiders that are now creeping across the country to greet the child. #royalbaby
4.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā If you listen closely, you will hear the faint singing of the moon. The moon traditionally sings during royal births. #royalbaby
5.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā The moon is a great prognosticator. If it sings songs from musicals, the child is a boy. For a girl, itās usually Phil Collins. #royalbaby
6.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā shhhhhhhā¦ listen! Listen to the moon! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOLmIkwCOKkĀ ā¦
7.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā In related newsā¦Phil Collins, now covered in spiders, is making is way to St. Maryās Hospital, London.
8.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā He doesnāt seem to know where he is. Heās stumbling down the street. IMPORTANT: DO NOT TOUCH PHIL COLLINS AT THIS TIME.
9.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā This is an entirely NEW omen and we do not yet know its meaning.
10.Ā Ā The spiders are starting to make a great web, enclosing St. Maryās Hospital. And there seems to be writing in the webā¦
11.Ā Ā The first word of the spider writing has emerged. It says DONāT. What are they trying to tell us?
12.Ā Ā Another word has appeared, further on. It says PRINCE. WHAT DO THE SPIDERS KNOW?
13.Ā Ā The moon is signaling for a girl. But are the spiders telling us boy?
14.Ā Ā Another word is taking shape ā¦ so far we have SPE ā¦ theyāre still writing this one ā¦
15.Ā Ā And another is coming on. So far ā¦ LE ā¦
16.Ā Ā Wait, the spidersā message is becoming clear now. DONāT LETā¦
17.Ā Ā DONāT LET PRINCE ā¦ .
18.Ā Ā The message is complete. DONāT LET PRINCE PHILIP SPEAK. Sound advice from the spiders on this momentous occasion.
19.Ā Ā The spiders are clearly trying to protect the child. Meanwhile, the spider-covered singer Phil Collins still makes his way across London.
20.Ā Ā Many people trying to pick the spiders off of Phil Collins. Please: DO NOT TOUCH PHIL COLLINS AT THIS TIME. He must continue on his journey.
21.Ā Ā The moon has stopped singing and Phil Collins seems to be lost somewhere in the Hyde Park area. There is no need for panic. #royalbaby
22.Ā Ā Reports of monsters in the St. James area are entirely unfounded. #royalbaby
23.Ā Ā It appears that the Thames has vanished and been replaced by an identical copy. This means the birth is imminent. Please stand by.
24.Ā Ā RETRACTION: the Thames has not vanished and been replaced by an exact copy. Now we have no idea when the birth will be.
25.Ā Ā REPORT: Prince Philip has chewed through his restraints and escaped through a Palace window. Whereabouts unknown.
26.Ā Ā REPORT: Price Philip spotted zooming toward St. Maryās Hospital on a scooter. DO NOT ENGAGE.
27.Ā Ā Phil Collins has reappeared and is moving toward the hospital on a RIVER OF SPIDERS. Things seem to be moving faster.
28.Ā Ā Phil Collins and the spiders are just a few streets away from St. Maryās Hospital. Do not be alarmed if everything is spiders.
29.Ā Ā Prince Philip has reached St. Maryās Hospital and is now fighting the spiders, one by one. They continue to try to block his entry.
30.Ā Ā Phil Collins and the spiders have reached St. Maryās Hospital and are now engaged in combat with Prince Philip.
31.Ā Ā Theyāve both been absorbed into the mass of spiders that throbs and heaves over the hospital. No one can get a good view.
32.Ā Ā BREAKING NEWS: Elton John is punching his way through the spiders! He is carrying some kind of scrollā¦it seems to be very importantā¦
33.Ā Ā Elton John and the scroll have now been fully absorbed into the mass of spiders, joining Phil Collins and Prince Philipā¦
34.Ā Ā What is on the scroll? What does Elton John want? What is Phil Collins doing? Will Prince Philip get to the baby? SO MANY QUESTIONS.
35.Ā Ā Listen ā¦ . the moon ā¦ itās singing again ā¦ ITāS ALL GETTING CLOSE.
36.Ā Ā BREAKING: Andrew Lloyd Webber has been seen running toward Buckingham Palace with a scroll IDENTICAL to the one carried by Elton John.
37.Ā Ā Current speculation is that Elton John and Andrew Lloyd Webber are writing COMPETING MUSICALS about the royal birth.
38.Ā Ā The spiders have started singing along with the moon.
39.Ā Ā Phil Collins has emerged on the roof of the hospital. The spider lift him high into the air. He appears to be ready to make a statementā¦
40.Ā Ā ā¦and Prince Philip HAS TACKLED PHIL COLLINS.
41.Ā Ā A helicopter has appeared and is swooping down over the hospital. The pilot is wearing a mask. Please stand by ā¦
42.Ā Ā Several masked figures have leapt from the helicopter and have landed on the roof of St. Maryās Hospital ā¦
43.Ā Ā My god ā¦ itās the ENTIRE CAST OF DOWNTON ABBEY.
44.Ā Ā Prince Philip seems to know heās been cornered. Heās backing up ā¦ and ā¦ heās VANISHED.
45.Ā Ā The cast of Downton Abbey have taken up strategic positions on the hospital roof and appear to be on guard. The spiders respect them.
46.Ā Ā The Dowager Countess appears to be in chargeā¦no surprises there. Sheās thrown down some kind of recording device to the media.
47.Ā Ā The recording contains only one sentence: āThis one is for Sybil.ā Things have really gotten quite dramatic.
48.Ā Ā Phil Collins takes up his position on the tower of spiders once again. He appears to be in a trance. He speaksā¦
49.Ā Ā FULL TEXT OF PHIL COLLINāS STATEMENT: āAnd when the rider comes on a white horse, ye shall know the child.ā Collins then fainted.
50.Ā Ā BREAKING: A single white horse has been reported missing in London. IS THIS THE HORSE PROPHESIED BY PHIL COLLINS?
51.Ā Ā Meanwhile, the cast of Downton Abbey and the spiders have effectively sealed off St. Maryās Hospital. Do not approach the area.
52.Ā Ā There is considerable speculation on the rider of the white horse spoken of by Phil Collins. No details are known at this time.
53.Ā Ā The Dowager Countess is firing at news helicopters that try to get an arial view of the hospital. There is screaming.
54.Ā Ā Mr. Bates and Anna assembling some kind of large weapon while the Dowager Countess continues to keep the press at bay.
55.Ā Ā Phil Collins has not been seen since he made his statement. It is unclear whether or not he is still on the roof of the hospital.
56.Ā Ā Unconfirmed reports of a lone rider on a white horse in Hyde Park. Developing ā¦
57.Ā Ā THE RIDER APPEARS.
58.Ā Ā THE RIDER APPROACHES THE HOSPITAL.
59.Ā Ā THE RIDER IS BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH. AND HE IS NAKED. HE WAVES A SIGN SAYING THE CHILD IS A BOY.
60.Ā Ā Phil Collins has re-appeared on the roof of the hospital. The cast of Downton Abbey maintain the boundary.
61.Ā Ā ā What happened to phil Collins?ā Once released from the trance, he came down from the hospital roof and rickshawed home.
62.Ā Ā The spiders also receded. The cast of Downton Abbey abseiled off the building and remain at large.
63.Ā Ā Benedict Cumberbatch also remains at large on his horse, possibly still naked. We have no confirmation on this.
64.Ā Ā *the moon sings quietly*
MAUREEN JOHNSON, EVERYBODY!
Wait, is this baby going to prince of England or Night Vale?
ā¦
ā¦What an interesting day yesterday seems to have been.Ā :)
