lonely. loser. complicated wreck.

This time tomorrow that stressful meeting will be over. And this time next week those exciting interviews will be over! What I’m getting at- is I’m hopefully heading in the direction, of, well direction.

If all this goes well and as planned- I will take a week trip down to Myrtle to lay on the beach, play some golf and just fuck off a little. It has been such a heavy and stressful last few months. The finish line is in sight but this last leg is pure gut.

I’m excited to just smoke, chill and read tonight. I need to be in a good mindset going into tomorrow and next week. And most of all I need to be patient. I’ve prayed about this.

I know I’m like six years late but I love the show Peaky Blinders. My ex asked me if Thomas Shelby turned me on and the answer to that is a huge yes- lol. Maybe I won’t be doing as much reading as I thought tonight- but don’t worry I will be doing the same amount of getting high.

Ending this post with a deep breath and moment of gratitude for my friends, family and support system. It’s weird that I’m starting to miss my acquaintances. How “normal” will things ever go back? Oh gosh, I’m spiraling...

On that note, to the window, to the bong... ;)

Clear your head-

It’s been such a long and stressful day. My job right now is like a time bomb ticking. 

A little more on this: In the eight months I’ve been there, I have seen us go from 15 now down to 10 on this team. One girl has another offer. I have two second-round interviews next week- one would be a level-up and the other would be a lateral relocation. I am praying. Everything seems to change by the day, sometimes even by the hour. 

"Nothing but uncertainty is certain. Circumstances come together, only to fall apart moments or months later.. And then, in a flash, we must rise up and regain out footing. In the review mirror, I see so clearly what escaped me then: It’s not that the ground underneath me was suddenly shifting; it’s that it is never still. That’s part of the work of my journey- getting comfortable with life’s groundlessness.” [Alicia Keys- More Myself: My Journey]

I cracked a beer but who am I kidding. I don’t even like drinking. Time to rip a bong. <3

I still have one more tentative call today. I could scream...

Relax-

Good morning, it is just golden out today! The sun is pouring in through floor to ceiling windows, the gentle breeze is teasing translucent white curtains, the smell of coffee from a Keurig lingers in the air. I hate to disrupt this serenity with a morning meeting.

[Tuesday morning]

Virtual meeting- the purpose of the meeting is *eye roll*

Studying- quantitative methods

Yoga- my cramps aren’t going to make it easy

Reading- savoring Sapiens one delicious page at a time

Blogging- there’s an ongoing tab open in my mind for this

Daydreaming- about who, about what, about when, about where...

Enjoy the day-

When he talks you through it>>>

Sorry it’s been crickets for me most of the day- mind’s been in the gutter ;)

Behave-

Yeah- did you feel that?

Return to yourself. 

It’s hard for me to write what I’m feeling right now. The past has come out and come up a lot this weekend. All good though? Crazy looking at how a certain person, a specific moment, a particular location can carry so much significance and can shape your future more monumentally than you could ever imagine in that single moment. 

Part of being on the timeline I’m on is energetic blasts from the past. Suddenly I’m back in the moment, reliving it- sometimes I feel a feel [anything from despair to hope- the emotions come in extreme], sometimes I smell a certain smell [the smell of Parliament cigarettes heavy in the strip club air], sometimes I hear or read a certain phrase [dilly dilly]…my past still has power over me. But I’m not a prisoner to it, it comes back to gently teach me and remind me. Sometimes to hold me accountable.

It was really hard for me to focus today. I have a feeling that might be the theme for the week. 

Do I text him tonight and invite the past into the future? He asked me to tell him a story... 

Where do I begin-

Part 1 of my self care package arrived.

+ panties and sports bras from Victoria’s Secret.

+ 3-wick candles and hand soaps from Bath and Body Works.

I used to feel so alive but be so asleep. I woke up but lost the life.

'til next time-