My Own Private Idaho.

71 days.

I can't bear to look in the mirror anymore.

It's kind of fucked up that I refer to seeing my sister for the first time in 2 years as "going into battle" but it's true. I'm exhausted.

I am so tired of always trying, and failing. I am tired of never being the one chosen by anyone. I am tired of myself. I am just so very, very tired.

My head is full of the friends who have left me today. People who even after years and years of friendship, have dropped me. Without a word, just cut me off. Like I didn't mean anything to them. Like I never mattered to them. Is it any wonder that I never feel like I matter to anyone anymore? Or that I struggle being friends with anyone now that I know that any of my friends, no matter how close we are, might just up and cut me off tomorrow without any warning.

I’ve started taking antidepressants again after being off them for nearly two years. I’ve been really hesitant to take them after the complete clusterfuck Effexor XR was for me- I had over a year of shitty side effects combined with one of the darkest pits of depression I’ve ever been in, and 2 months of horrible withdrawals when I finally got off it. So even now, when I haven’t been doing okay for a long time, it still didn’t seem that bad in comparison.  I started taking 10mg of Lexapro 3 days ago, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. The first day I felt pretty good- the best I’d felt in a long time. I finally had some motivation to do something, and wasn’t dwelling on my relationships with my friends and family anymore.  But that only lasted that one day. So I know I need to keep hanging in there, because it can take up to 6 or 7 weeks to start working, but it feels so crushing to finally feel okay and then go back to my usual state of self-loathing and apathetic depression. 

The one thing that travelling has taught me is that no one misses me when I’m gone.

It's a heavy burden to bear, when your job is to console your mother when she starts recognising she was an awful parent and the affects this had on her children. And even though you know this, so much she did has been unspoken and you don't want her to hurt her so you have to lie and reassure her that no, she wasn't a terrible parent, and her children are fine.