.

I know this is dumb but I can't stop. Somehow I feel like as long as I eat under x amount of calories everything will be ok. It's not even completely about how I look, I don't think I'll look good super thin but I'll be damned if I don't starve myself until I get there anyway. I need to be less. My anxiety is getting bad again and I don't know how to deal with it. Losing weight is like my little secret safe place. It's something to obsess over and feel accomplished when the scale goes down every morning even if everything else is going to hell. I know nothing will change when I'm thin and I don't really care, I just need to keep losing weight. My new job is pretty stressful for me, last year I could barely make phone calls or go to the grocery store and now I have a job in sales dealing with people all day. I'm proud of myself that I can do it but holy shit it's stressful. I'm more confident if I haven't eaten and I know I'm losing weight. It's one thing I can't fuck up. All I have to do is eat less. I don't even get hungry anymore and it's only been a few weeks. I can't let myself eat too much or else I'll start purging again and I really don't want to. That fucks me up more than not eating and I haven't done it for almost 6 months now. People are starting to catch on unfortunately, I've lost 10 lbs in less than 3 weeks (25 lbs in all, ~20 more to go). They're trying to get me to eat more but being vegan already and saying I'm on a low carb diet gets me out of most meals. I'm making a point to eat higher calorie foods in front of people more and eat less when I'm alone to make up for it. Maybe that will keep them off my back for a while longer. If not then fuck it, no one can force me to stop. I can play off the "healthy diet" thing for at least 15 more lbs I think.

This might be a new low for me. I just got home super late from work and I'm sitting in my underwear and a tank top drinking a red wine glass full of whiskey and eating two bags of cookies I got from the gas station. I would at least be wearing pants but I couldn't find them, I think the dryer ate my shorts.

I'm home for the summer and my mom is throwing a huge party tonight. There are tons of people here and I'm panicking. I'm out behind the house drinking as fast as I can. I'd rather be shitfaced than have a panic attack in front of 30 people. I'm already pretty drunk but it's not helping with my anxiety. Ari isn't answering my texts and that's not really helping either. I want to leave but she expects me to help with the party.

I finally made the appointment to get my wisdom teeth out. They refuse to give me anything for anxiety beforehand even though I was told they would. I hope they feel like assholes when I'm bawling my eyes out and my tourettes is going crazy as they attempt to get the iv in my shitty veins. It took 4 er nurses like 10 tries and a few collapsed veins to get an iv in when I was half passed out, if they think they can do it when I'm twitching they're in for a bad time. My dentist even sent them a note warning them that I have anxiety and will need something to help me not freak the fuck out. I'm crying just thinking about it and it's not until next month.

He left a note in my box of razors to call him if I felt like hurting myself. I would, but he's been ignoring me for 3 days. I found out he lied and he answered immediately with a lame excuse after I called him out. Then he stopped answering again. I don't care if he doesn't feel like talking, he fucking promised. It's sad he can't even put aside 5 minutes to talk to me. So fuck him, I'll hurt myself if I want to. I don't care how he feels about it because he doesn't care enough to even talk to me. Why should I have to be upset and not be able to sleep because he might be upset about it later? I've been trying to sleep for hours now but I can't relax. I have class first thing in the morning. A few small burns in a hidden place won't be all that bad. I just want to calm down so I can go to sleep so this day can be over already.