Imagine

I hit myself when I have no other way to get my head to stop....

I have not done it in two years...

It happened today because you can only push things down for so long...

I hit my head and "threw" myself out of a moving car....

The last ten years have been quite bizarre for me... I have lost two jobs... one due to the place where I worked closing... one due to my own inability to do the job the way my supervisor thought I should... both sucked because even when I hated the jobs I loved them... I spent a good chunk of the last decade performing more on stage than I had... for a while doing 2 shows a week for months on end.... I learned that being "old and fat" were no excuse for not performing... that I could act and sing and dance and people actually liked it.... I wrote a lot for a while... I miss that... that muse burnt out when I started taking antidepressants and never quite came back... even when I stopped.... I learned that my battles with depression are just as much the product of how others treat me as it is how I treat myself... I am not always wrong or a failure... other just make me see myself that way to keep themselves in a good place... that's their trauma... not mine... I finally earned a bachelor's degree... that took 20 years longer than it should but I still feel mentally closer to 25 than 45 so.... if my body could do the same that would be great... I don't love myself... but I also don't know that anyone truly does... I am also not sure anyone has ever truly loved me... or what love is... so I am probably wrong?... anyway.... that's my end of the decade ramble... if you made it this far... your patience is a talent... now I think I will ring in the new year watching Sherlock and maybe drinking alone...

My sister: I was worried we'd be the only straight girls here.

Me: Not straight... but I get it.

Sister: *Sigh* you know what I mean.

Have you ever been home alone and bored and done a quick makeup test for Boy Drag and Pretty girl on your face?