Life Update July 2025
It's been a long time since I tried to make my own decisions in my life. I guess 2018 was that year. I was 28 and it's been seven years already.
I don't think I succeeded (definition: I found something that I was OK with doing for work for an extended amount of time, whether that meant moving up in some way or not; felt OK with how my life has been)
I think that it's easy to complain about fictional characters not making the right decisions. I've always understood the ones that know (maybe) what the right thing to do is but can't do it.
I've seen depression described as being like floating in an ocean, but for me, it's more like I'm in a bathtub with a foot of water. But, I'm somehow still drowning.
I grew up in a family that was/is well off. I don't recall a time when my parents ever were that concerned about money (other than in the Asian frugality/stinginess way). I'm sure to some extent, in the first 10 or so years before they became established, their struggles were something I didn't notice. I'll forgive myself at that time, since I was a child and shouldn't really need to be that concerned.
I guess it means that I grew up in a kind of strange way. Like, I didn't learn to be active because I didn't need to be. I didn't develop resilience to any extent at all. I don't think that's anyone's fault. What parent would want their child to go through more hardship than themselves? It's just a fact that I'm very resistant to change, to growth, and I'll keep stumbling along for a very long time. Maybe that will be until I finally die.
Which to be honest, I wish would happen a little sooner. But, I don't think I have any health issues? It's kind of annoying. I'm not going to do anything about that actively. Because... well... I'm used to being passive and even though I know what the "right" thing to do is, I won't do it. I know myself well enough by this point that forcing myself to do something has never worked.
Generally, I have to seriously have a breakdown for change to occur. I have to be forced to change by being so depressed? crazy? that my mind turns over and decided that I need to take action.
Maybe I need to find a therapist, though obviously, explaining my life situation will be very draining. It doesn't seem that plausible that even that will help.
I find it difficult these days to care about anything very much. I'm relatively sure that people around me think I'm not living up to my potential. My logical mind understands that what they think doesn't really matter. They're responsible for their own life and I am responsible for mine.
I don't know what I'm going to do from now on. Life can continue, somehow. I don't think I want that to happen.
I've worked out the financials and I should be OK for a while. I never really spent much (with parental subsidies hhh and actual frugality) so I just threw money into ETFs for years. At least that part isn't totally garbage, though not really an intentional thing on my part.
I'll have to start transferring money to ETFs regularly again once I am employed. I'll live a little more frugally (but because I don't enjoy that much anymore, it'll be because I'm depressed rather than an intentional thing).
Is there hope or not? I dunno....













