The Dollie Rocker♥

Gaslighting can happen in any kind of relationship: parental, romantic, professional… And in any case, the gaslighter’s goal is to confuse, manipulate, and demean you. Gaslighters do not want to take any blame or accountability and want the conversation to end as quickly as possible.

Growing up my mom’s catchphrases were “I never said that” or “you’re remembering it wrong.” And as a kid, I believed her. I believed there must be something wrong with ME because she was my mom—a mother, especially one who flaunted her Christianity, wouldn’t lie to her child, right?

But as I got older, this anger and frustration began to bubble up within me. NO I wasn’t wrong. NO I wasn’t remembering it wrong. NO you said something differently to me. But I had no “proof.” I had no evidence except my own memory. It was always my word against hers and she declared herself the winner.

My trust in her and in myself was shattered. How am I supposed to trust my gut and memory when I’m consistently told it’s wrong?

I started taking pictures of the aftermath whenever I could—to this day I have a picture of my trashed bedroom and a weird poop-looking thing my mom put under my bed. Photos were more than memories to me—they were evidence. But I couldn’t even turn it in to her, or she’d go on another rage. Having the evidence, but hiding it away kept me in a confusing state of safety.

But it turns out that I actually have a great memory. I can look at a photo of myself at three years old and know exactly where I was, what I did that day, and who I was with. More often than not, the memories my mother rejected are now validated by other, more trustworthy people.

My mother’s abuse kept me silent and afraid. But after reconnecting with my intuition and compassionately reminding myself that my memory is sound, I do not allow myself to be pushed around.

And my hope, dear reader, is that being aware of these red flags helps you stand your ground as well. Tips on how to talk to a gaslighter coming up!

Sit up straight

Walk confidently

Speak slowly and don’t use slang, incorporate new vocabulary.

Think before you speak. Is that TMI? Is that negative? Words are powerful, use them wisely

When someone gives you a compliment, always accept it with a “thank you” even if you disagree

Compliment strangers

Drink a cup of warm water when you wake. It has the same effect as lemon water but it’s better for your teeth

Aim to drink 2L of water a day.

If you drink 30 min before your meal you will eat less. Don’t drink any liquids while you eat or until 30 min after your meal, it’s better for your digestion

Want a flat stomach? Don’t eat anything 4 hours before bed and only eat the size of your fist in carbs per day

Practice mindfulness, notice when your mind wanders and bring your attention back to the present

Meditate 5 min every morning or in bed at night

Charge your phone in the living room at night so you’re not tempted to look at it before bed or first thing in the morning. Plus, you’ll have to get up to turn the alarm off so you won’t snooze

Make your bed every morning

Clutter is mentally toxic, keep only what you need and keep it tidy

Aim to only clean your home for 5 minutes a day. You’ll probably end up doing more. This trick works for anything you don’t want to do

When shopping, don’t buy things the same day. If you still want them after a few days, go back

Always do your best. Always

Forget motivation. Count from 5 to 1 if you need to do something you don’t want to. It tricks your brain. You can also focus on how you’ll feel once you’ve completed the task instead of thinking of the task itself.

Buy fresh flowers for your home.

Pamper yourself. You can do it yourself at home

Get massages. You can get Groupons

Always have manicured nails and toes. Sèche Vite top coat is a must!

Buy nice pyjamas and lounge wear. Look good for yourself.

Listen to classical music when you study and when you clean your home

Listen to music when you drive. While others will be road raging, you’ll be too busy vibing to notice

Use the 50/30/20 rule for your finances. 50% on living expenses, 30% on entertainment and shopping and 20% in savings

Take advantage of banks offering money to open new accounts

Have an emergency fund: 3-6 months worth of living expenses in a high interest savings account

Celebrate every time you get money whether it’s in interest, pay checks or even money you find on the floor. You can just do a little dance. You’ll attract more wealth.

Leave money around your house. It will be a reminder that money is abundant.

Watch only 1h of TV a day and no reality TV

Don’t read gossip magazines/blogs.

Get a library card and read at least one book a month.

Cut out toxic people. If you can’t, try not to be around them as much

Socialize with loved ones a bit everyday even if it’s just a phone call. It’s good for morale

Treat everyone with respect. If someone disrespects you, know that it’s got nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and don’t get caught up in it, keep your composure, you’re better than that

Take up a hobby or two, you’ll be a more interesting, well-rounded person

Listen to podcasts