xobabylo

Looking back on it, I can't even fault you.

You played the game extremely well.

Holding your cards so close to your chest they may as well have become a part of you.

This facade you ferociously held up for so long was almost convincing.

But it could only stay up for so long before it faltered.

And eventually it did just that.

I realized not too long after it started that I meant a lot more to you than me or you ever even knew.

I knew that.

I know you knew that too.

But your actions were nothing if not puzzling.

As much as I would follow in your footsteps by enacting these plans to try to gauge how important I was to you, I soon realized that I would only ever be nothing more than a doll.

Someone who would always be better in theory than on paper.

I'm used to people liking the idea of me more than who I actually am.

And I was okay with it at the moment.

We were just having fun.

And that was okay.

It was only until I realized that this was not sustainable in the long term that it became an issue.

I refused to be a doll.

An afterthought.

Like a shiny new toy you BEGGED your parents to buy for you, only to play with it for a week before it lost its glimmer that seduced you in the first place and your parents threw it in a bin labeled “DONATE”.

But by that point it was too late.

It was leaving.

And there was nothing you could do about it.

That feeble last attempt to regain what you once had.

That glimmer you saw the first week suddenly shone again.

I was taken for granted.

I was expected to stick around long enough for you to figure out how to come to terms with these unreliable emotions you had.

Those same emotions you were shoving so deep in your subconscious you almost convinced yourself they didn't exist.

And maybe if you would have accepted them sooner, things could have gone differently.

Maybe…

Maybe….

Maybe…..

“Maybe” is nothing more than a loose end though.

And loose ends are supposed to be tied up.

So that's exactly what I did.

I tied up your confusion.

Your insecurity.

Your deflection and denial.

Your ability to cover everything up with a joke.

I tied up your inability to appreciate what you had in the moment.

And I dropped it right on your doorstep.

It was symbolic in a sense.

It was me finding my worth.

It was you learning a lesson in the hardest way possible.

It was us growing up.

But in the end it was the perfect ending to our story.

And I'll forever be grateful for the way that you taught me to prioritize myself.

Because if we had met a couple years prior,

To the scorpio who broke my heart-

Spent 3 years of my life revolving my whole existence around you because you were worth it to me.

You were worth the pain and the struggle.

You were worth the confusion.

The indecisiveness.

The back and forth between wanting me and not wanting me.

I would've given everything just to see you thrive and smile and be happy, even if it wasn’t with me.

But you made it clear to me everytime that you didn’t want that.

You weren’t ready.

And as hard as I tried, you still pushed me away.

And I would like to think I could be okay with that.

That I could accept it and take your actions at face value.

But I don't think I could do that.

It still hurts everyday.

And it’s been months since you told me you didn’t want anything to do with me.

I sacrificed so much just for the possibility of you finally being happy.

I put my desires to the side just to make sure I was fulfilling yours.

Only for it to not even be enough.

I've been in love with you since I laid my eyes on you and you just didn’t feel the same.

And I'm learning to accept it.

Yeah it fucking sucks.

But there’s nothing I can do about it.

There’s nothing I can do to make you change the way you feel about me.

Because at the end of the day, I can love you until there’s nothing left in my heart but it doesn’t mean anything if it’s not reciprocated.

I've dealt with unrequited love for too long.

And you feel like a beautiful nightmare I can't seem to wake up from.

You pull me in with your pretty words and you shoot down my ego and confidence with your distance and cold exterior.

There’s nights where I stay up crying and just existing in the feeling of utter emptiness wishing that you would text me and tell me you can’t live without me.

That you need me.

That you would rather die than see me move on.

But that’s just not the reality of the situation.

And it fucking sucks.

But there’s nothing I can do about it.

The only thing I can do is move forward.

an open letter to half of my heart

They say your soulmate is someone you’ve met in many lives before the one you're currently living.

That they feel familiar to you.

You make a deal with each other in all the lives before that you will find the other in the next.

You swear to eachother that you’ll defy the universes inevitable fucked up plans and seemingly ill-thought out scenarios that are gonna try their very best to keep you apart.

These are the thoughts that flood my brain when I think about you.

When I think about how we defied every worst case scenario, every hateful coworker, every vice and every “that would happen to us” that was thrown in our lap.

If you think about it, all those things were blessings in the worst disguise.

In the moment, the disguise seemed like the largest brick wall standing between us and our future but in the long run we can truly thank all of those things for bringing us closer as each day went by and each worst case scenario made our bond tighter than ever.

3am is the best time to be missing someone.

Because you know somewhere in the world someone is missing someone just as hard as you are.

And you feel a little bit less alone.

Humans are ruled and controlled by ego.

Whether we like it or not.

But the stillness and deafening silence of 3am is just enough to make us forget about our ego for just a second.

It's the perfect time to be present in our sadness.

In our longing for the people who are no longer in our life.

That fleeting feeling of wishing someone was still here.

Wishing you could text them and tell them how much you love them and how much you want to risk everything for them.

Leave everything behind.

Sacrifice everything just to hear them tell you they love you.

Just one more time.

But we suppress it.

Because society has taught us to stand firm in our boundaries.

To not give in and seem weak.

And when 10am rolls around and we are thrust back into the harsh reality of the cold state of our lives,

We convince ourselves we made the right decision by not reaching out.

And then the cycle continues.

And we are forever in a loop of missing people and then covering up that feeling with our inflated egos and pride.

Even though secretly we all love that 3am feeling.

And we would give anything just to be able to feel vulnerable for a second with no consequences or fear of judgment.

But we must continue on.

We must live our lives.

And not succumb to the pressure and intensity of our feelings.

Because at the end of the day,

We know nothing is going to change.

And we know that we are better off just ignoring it.

Because at least that way we can pretend like we never felt that way.

And when 10am rolls around we can feel confident in our egos.

And accept that that’s just the reality of our situation.