imjusttryingtolive

I’ve Been Having a Hard Time

I’ve been having a hard time. This past year has been hard. I switched antidepressants in September, and that helped my mental state for a couple months, but now things have only gotten worse. My poor husband has been such a rock to hold onto as he’s helped me deal with my constant ups and downs, which now seem to just be down, down, down. It’s not even a constant sadness, which I almost think…

Putting Myself Out There

I used to really want to be a professional writer. I was constantly writing poetry and working on spoken word. I blogged consistently. I was dreaming big because I wanted to have a career I loved. But about four years ago, reality hit. I was still blogging and writing poetry and doing events, but I wasn’t getting paid. I wasn’t published anywhere. Every time I had a gig lined up to ghostwrite or…

I Grew Up in a Racist Town, and I Never Even Knew It

I grew up in a small town in California, and like most blind, white people, I thought racism was solved. I was aware that occasionally individuals would say mean things about POC, but I assumed that was few and far between. I believed that being cruel wouldn’t get you anywhere in life. Looking at our president, it’s obvious that belief was wrong.

When we moved back to my hometown last…

Cast the First Stone

On May 25, 2020, George Floyd was killed by a police officer. He had tried to purchase something with a supposed counterfeit $20. Whether he knew it was counterfeit or not, I don’t think his crime warranted the punishment. And I could go on about the details surrounding this murder and what came afterward, but so many people have already done that. That’s not why I’m bringing it up now.

Th…

I Have Been Silent

I’ve been trying to write this for six months, but I put it off over and over, thinking that it probably wasn’t the time. Six months ago was the time. A year ago was the time. It’s always been the time. But I have been silent.

Five years ago I was silent about politics. I didn’t know what my opinion was because I didn’t know enough. I only knew that I believed in equality and rights and…

This Isn’t What We Were Promised

I’m pretty sure this isn’t what we were promised. I’m pretty sure we grew up watching people succeed. I’m pretty sure we watched our role models have strong friendship groups, paying for expensive apartments with not great jobs, and then eventually getting the dream job because of random connections. We were promised there would still be time on the side for random adventures. We’d always be able…

The world is going through sudden pandemonium. And apparently none of us saw it coming. Even though we’ve been warned. Even though we’ve been writing books about it and making movies about it and scaring each other with it for years now. Because we never expected it to really happen.

Everything is changing, but I almost feel as if nothing has changed at all. My routines are still the…

Living A Carless Existence

Two weeks ago Bobby and I uprooted again and moved to San Diego. It has been a big change already and sometimes I get scared that we won’t survive, but I’m trying to be positive, because overall this change is probably for the best.

Between the two of us, there is only one car. Bobby works within 2 miles of where we live, so it is very easy for him to take his bike or walk to work. But…

Everything Is Hard Sometimes

So, I got engaged 2 months ago. And everything has been a whirlwind. Because I’m getting married in February, and that’s 3 months away and I don’t know what I need help with but I feel like everyone has an opinion. But it’s our wedding. It’s my and Bobby’s wedding. So the only opinion that should matter is our own.

We were only supposed to be here 3 months. But we’ve been here 6. So…

It’s the Patient’s Fault

It’s been three years since cancer took my mother’s life. She battled with cancer for ten years. She went in and out of remission. She sought God. She prayed for healing. She prayed for wisdom. She prayed for guidance. She got treatment. It worked. But cancer is a bitch. It’s pretty good at finding its way back, even when a person is so good fighting it.

Right when I graduated with…

Being an Adult Means Always Changing Plans

A little over three months ago my boyfriend and I packed everything up and moved across the country to my hometown in rural California. Our plan was to stay here for the summer, get jobs, save money, and move to Flagstaff. But with this economy things like that are easier said than done. So we’re still here. Indefinitely.

But I love being home. I’m not complaining. My life has always…

Books I Read April/May 2019

I’ve been reading. But I’ve also been moving and applying for jobs and working and riding my bike and fixing my car. So I haven’t been writing. So these are the books I read in April and May.

Image from Amazon.com

The Perfect Childis a book to read if you want to read something creepy and unsettling. It’s about a married couple who wanted to adopt because they weren’t able to conceive.…

So I Moved Across the Country

Again.

Everything has been crazy and stressful and exciting and fun. There are so many things up in the air and we’re just waiting to see what sticks the landing.

I’ve been home a little over a week. I missed home. A lot more than I thought I did. It’s good to be back.

Bobby and I both have found jobs. We’ll be able to pay bills and save. Things are working out for the first time…

Bobby and I turned in our keys yesterday. We are finally moved out of our first little house that we shared. We no longer have to deal with crazy neighbors that hiss at our dog or throw possible poisoned bread in the backyard. But we also can no longer walk to the movie theater or to the mall to get energy drinks.

I’m not working anymore, but Bobby’s last day is Friday. Next week we say…

It’s Cool To Be an Alcoholic

When did it become a normal thing to fetishize drinking tons of alcohol?

I noticed a while ago that a lot of shirts for sale have sayings on them like, “Rosé all day” “Coffee and wine, feelin’ fine” “Relationship Status: Wine”

image from Target.com

I counted 11 different wine sloganed shirts on Target’s website alone. I used to love wine. I still like it. I’m drinking a glass right now.…

What I Read: March 2019

Image from Amazon.com

A Lily in the Lightwas a book I got from Amazon First Reads. It’s about a little sister that disappears and the family that is left behind. The main character, Esme, was 11 when her four-year-old sister disappeared. Esme was a promising ballerina, and her parents became depressed and almost unable to cope, so her ballet teacher offered to take her in. Esme auditions…

Do What You Like

I spend far too much time thinking about writing and then never following through. I still have the mind of a writer, but my actions would say otherwise. I have started some cool things, but I haven’t decided what to do with them yet, so they’re still just sitting there.

Remember being a kid and having hobbies and interests, some of which matched those around you, and some of which were your…