women,,,

lesbians have a complicated online reputation. while a lot of posts, art, stories, and other content made by lesbians seem to go viral in LGBTQ+ circles pretty easily, there’s an equal amount of opinionated outsiders (read: nonlesbians) with a hostile, skeptical attitude towards them. while this is primarily a result of TERF ideology rapidly gaining traction in lesbian circles, it’s definitely unwarranted.

literally everyone is obsessed with finding out how you feel about men. straight women? definitely. straight men? obviously. nonlesbian LGBTQ+ people? check. your own fellow lesbians? unfortunately, yeah. if you’re not ready to be interrogated about how many men you’ve dated, whether or not you’re SURE you’ve ever found men attractive, or how much you hate them, then buckle up—one wrong answer and you’re out of the community.

sometimes being a lesbian is isolating and scary. there’s an air of exclusivity around the label, and it can feel like you’re representing a very prestigious, very easy-to-disappoint family. you might be treated like a second class citizen for having ever gotten a crush on a man, and your nonlesbian peers seem eager for you to slip up and say something problematic so they can write you off as “just another mean, nasty lesbian.” as with all other marginalized groups, lesbians who are otherwise privileged in nearly every way are usually at the top of the food chain--they try to call the shots when it comes to who's allowed to ID as lesbian and who isn't, and the worst part is so many people go along with this fucked up system out of fear. and don't even get me started on how oversexualized the lesbian identity is--the #lesbiansafe tag had to be invented just so lesbian minors could avoid p0rn bots.

lesbians aren’t really “allowed” to be questioning. there’s a surprisingly pervasive attitude in the LGBTQ+ community of “if you call yourself a lesbian, you better be damn sure of it (or else get the hell out).” either you are or you aren’t, it’s that simple, etc. etc. it’s an insane amount of pressure to put on anyone, and the amount of stress lesbians experience as a result goes completely unnoticed by everyone around them.

older butch lesbians are usually willing to do everything in their power to protect younger lesbians (as well as their femme counterparts). when members of the larger queer community exclude, turn against, and/or erase your existence on what seems like a regular basis, there's no place that feels safer than with an old butch. they were once in your shoes, so they know what it's like to feel small and vulnerable, and their love is as fierce as a lion's. remember to show them appreciation when they help you out, it's not uncommon for their assistance to be taken for granted.

most lesbians don't share each other's experiences outside of identifying as lesbian and that's okay. there's no one 'universal lesbian experience' and pushing this narrative that there *actually is* will only wind up hurting questioning and closeted lesbians who don't relate to those arbitrary standards. while carrds and google docs with compiled information about lesbianism can be extremely useful, they should be taken as softer guidelines, not strict rules that constantly need to be enforced.

with all that said, here's my advice to new, questioning, and baby lesbians:

no matter what anyone tells you, there are no rules for being a lesbian. it's absolutely nobody's business who you feel attracted to, why, or what gender(s) you are, or which flag(s) you want to use--YOU get to decide whether or not the lesbian label fits you right. nobody else has a say in how you do or don't identify, even if you've directly asked them for advice.

anyone who tries to isolate you from or turn you against LGBTQ+ nonlesbians aren't your friends. whether it's "stop claiming 'lesbian/dyke' used to be an umbrella term", "headcanoning [sexually ambiguous character] as anything but a lesbian is lesbian erasure", or "how dare you exclude the *RIGHT* lesbian flag from your pride art/merch, you're not allowed to use *THAT* flag only *THIS* one", don't get dragged into pointless soul-draining discourse.