Diary of a queer Indian

2020 has been an undeniably unpredictable and tough year for us all, but every cloud has a silver lining and mine was the fact that I finally found the courage to be me and come out!

I still remember panicking after sending my parents a drunk text about being queer and how alone I've always felt keeping such a huge part of myself from people I love. I remember the next day, waking up in bed with them sitting at the foot and I remember how awkward quarantine-ing with them in the initial days after coming out was.

I'm glad to have come out to all on social media and most of all, for paving a way in my homophobic college for other queer kids like me.

I hope if you are reading this right now and struggling with figuring out who you are, acceptance or coming out, remember that you are never alone in the journey no matter how hard things might seem right now.

I hope someday you find courage within you to scream your truth from rooftops or whisper it softly into the wind. I hope the tears of your pain help grow a new seed of strength to survive whatever lies ahead. I send you a dozen hugs wrapped in colors of the rainbow to fill your days with light.

If you're reading this please remember

Nefelibata - A person who lives in the clouds of her own imagination or dreams. 

Since my childhood, it has been easy to find solace in my mind, my imagination taking me to safe places to hide from the harsh realities of life. Even today, when life gets too much I find myself getting lost in my mind.

After the rollercoaster 2020 was, 2021 doesn't feel much different. I do have hope for things to get better but having seen so much pain and uncertainty in the past few months, it's easy to worry about how everything will pan out.

Being a womxn in India is a disadvantage in itself. Add being queer to the mix and yikes, that's a whole new ball game! I always personally held a deep grudge against the universe for making me who I am and putting me into the worst of environments. Messy family issues, finding solace in a religion which would never accept me, friends who never understood me, a sky high ambition with the drive of a sloth. I hated this and I hated that and most of all, I hated myself. I hated how different and out of place I always felt, I hated how my ideals seemed so out of reach, I hated how no accolade could satisfy the need to reach more higher, I hated being alive.

But, every cloud has a silver lining and mine was that being so different helped me find a new perspective to life. When I finally accepted all of me, the circumstances I was born into, the events that had unfolded, I saw, really saw how much power I had. Power to make a change. Power to relate with the underdogs and outcasts of society. Power to use my voice and all of me to make the world better.

If you haven't heard of the butterfly effect, it basically refers to the ability of EVERY minuscule change that can bring about more changes and eventually cause a huge shift in how things were like how just a flutter of a butterflies wings in one part of the world causes a shift in the wind and ultimately typhoons.

My power lies in me being a minority amongst a minority, a queer Indian woman. A woman with a voice for those who can't speak up yet. I've seen women in India suffer so much, from struggling to even survive with the rampant female foeticide rates to domestic violence, marital rapes, dowry deaths in marriages and the burden of putting family over education and career. Change has only been possible because of people raising their voices in the past and right now is the time to stand up too.

Dudhsagar, Goa, India

Set right on the border of the tiny state, Dudhsagar is the highest waterfall in Goa. Its name literally translates to "sea of milk" because of the stark contrast of the water on the dark rocks.

Having a house in Collem, I have been a frequent visitor here throughout my childhood and the the roar of the water always resonated deep and helped quieten the chaos in my mind.