mamí

i take a deep breath. i need isolation.

i inhale toxic fumes. my salvation.

i want to know everything will be okay. the future terrifies me. everything terrifies me. i’m sorry i’m so sad, i’m sorry i’m not good enough. i’m sorry.

my happiness is kept on a lease, you are the owner. i want to choke.

please remind me of my worthlessness, i need it. keep me on a leash, i need it.

  011010010010011101…

It's Okay Not To Be Okay

The passing of Jonghyun Kim, a beloved member of SHINee, brother, son, and friend, has left my heart and other’s broken. It’s also given me time to think about the subject that has been on the mind of many people today; depression. Depression took another life today, and it’s just a subject that I cannot ignore. There is a lot of taboo surrounding mental illnesses, including depression. It’s…

What is Consent?

What is consent? I asked myself that for the first time when I was in seventh grade. We were in your room watching some video on Youtube. You were my best friend. I asked myself that when you kissed me and I didn’t feel butterflies like in the books I read. I asked myself that when your hand grabbed my breast. I asked myself that as your hand went into my pants. I asked myself when I said no, but…

The C Word (Colorism)

Colorism.  It’s a word with a toxic meaning with heated arguments to come with it. It’s a word that makes certain people uncomfortable. It’s a word some people don’t fully understand.  Colorism in the black community is obvious and prelivant as ever. It goes hand in hand with our everyday life and culture, from music videos to beauty standards. Colorism is always sitting in the background.  The…

It’s Not My Fault

It’s not my fault.  It has taken me more than a few years to get to this point in my life. Something that is way overdo, and frankly, I should probably apologize to myself. I should apologize for the endless number of nights I’d lay in bed wondering what I did for my father to treat me the way he did. I should apologize taking it out on myself with reckless behavior and dumb antics. I should…

i wish i was happy

i wake up, mattress sunken in by my body and the fellow named loneliness beside me. a certain type of company you don’t want to invite with open arms, but they sneak up on you. i feel empty, my chest is hallow. as if the organs that are supposed to keep me alive are absent from my life too.  maybe that’s why i’ve been so down lately? i cant quite put a pin in what was making me so distant.  the…

I'm tired

i want to be in someone’s arms when i wake up in the morning. i want to feel safe and secure, want to feel warm inside. i crave human affection like i haven’t ate in weeks, but every time i get a slice of it i push the plate away.  i want two children and a spouse. i want this children to depend on me and know i’ll always be there for them. i want to look into their eyes and see me. i want a…

it’s been such a long time since i’ve written anything, and it’s so nice to be back home. i’m safe. i’m safe in this online journal where people read my sorrows to fill up their own voids. i’m safe.  my dad abandoned me. i don’t know how else to say it. i don’t have some fancy lines of poetry to try to explain it, it’s just that simple. maybe i should erase it though, put a fancy metaphor in…

i wish i could forget him. i wish i could close my eyes and not see his face. i wish i could erase his voice from my head, count down from 10 and it will all be gone. like he never happened.  but he’s there, somewhere deep in the back of my subconscious. waiting. waiting for an opportunity to catch me off guard and make me feel repulsive. make me feel dirty and disgusting.  i don’t understand…

I’m As Fine As I Can Be Right Now

People expressing their disappointment in me isn’t something new. It isn’t something that comes as a surprise, it’s expected. Disappointment that I cannot be perfect, disappointment that starts out with “What the hell is wrong with you?”  Disappointment when I stay in bed for hours and hours on the weekends because I don’t have the physical or mental energy to get up and face the world.…

What makes a woman a “real woman?”

You’ve probably heard the term “real woman” before, but what the hell does it even mean? What really determines what a “real woman” is? Well it’s a trick question, actually. Surprise, surprise, you can do anything you want and be considered a “real women.”  You don’t have to go by society’s standards, you don’t have to follow someone’s rules, and you do not have to change yourself into something…

I fucking hate this holiday

Valentine’s Day is coming up. It seems last year I was writing the same damn thing about a dumb holiday that I really shouldn’t care about, but here I am again. I feel like a broken record saying these things, but if I don’t get it off my chest I’ll spiral into episode of self-loathing and crying. Cute right? I’ve never actually had a Valentine, well, if the whole class in elementary school…

it’s late

it’s late when the black void knocks on my door, roses in one hand and a 40 ounce in the other. it’s always late when it rears it’s ugly head, a full, pearly white smile tattooed on it’s face. it’s late.  it’s later when the 40 ounce is almost gone. it’s later when i realize the roses were fake, cheap ones from walmart. it’s later when my speech is slurred and i’m over emotional, having words i…

Are Those Antidepressants In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?;)

I haven’t written anything in a minute, and that is only because I have been keeping busy. Trying to keep my mind busy because I want it, no, need it. I need to from caving in on myself and falling into the black void that resides in my heart, not paying any rent. A black void that doesn’t care about personal space or freedom. A black void that’ll kiss you on the mouth, tasting like homemade…

Boys. I will call them boys in this article because I have not met any men yet. These boys will tear our your heart, describe it in such a beautiful way it must be Shakespeare, then eat it without a second thought. Boys are little heathens that will make you want to fall in love and rip out every hair on the top of your head all at once. Boys are dangerous. It seems I’ve never been too lucky with…

i haven't written in forever. hi.

i haven’t written an entry in forever. whoops? life has been busy. i’m still the same self-loathing piece of shit though, so none of you missed much. my moods are all over the place still, a roller coaster even though that sounds cliche. a roller coaster that i can’t get off of even though i’ve been puking over and over again. why can’t i get off? i’ve been substituting the huge hole in my chest…

oh fuck

the light shines through the blinds. i dunno what time it is, but i know it’s probably early. the bed is empty again. i feel empty again. this happens every morning, and i’ve lost count about how many times this has happened. i stare at the ceiling, my mind is blank. blank. blank. a thought maybe gets stuck, but it doesn’t stay that long. i remember the mood swings from yesterday and cringe. why…