no mourners

The next day at school, before the girls could all see each other, Daisy pulled Cordelia to the side.

"We need to talk," she said.

Cordelia looked around to make sure that there were no other girls listening to their conversation, "About what?"

"Well first, you have to stop acting like that around Becka," she said, almost scolding her for her behaviour.

She scoffed, trying to hold back the anger she felt about the situation, "Shes a bragging bitch," she stated, "She knows it gets under my skin,"

"Well you cannot let it. This will happen whether you like it or not and I am sorry but you can't take it out on her," Daisy said, knowing that the girl knew it deep down.

Cordelia did know it, she knew that it was not Becka's fault and that she was just as trapped here as she was.

She sighed, trying to change the subject, "And what was the other thing?"

"I got my period," Daisy explained, watching the girls eyes go wide, "Shunammite and Agnes are helping me hide it,"

"Okay, well if you need anything, let me know," she said, placing a hand on the girls shoulder.

Before she could say anything, Aunr Estee walked past, "Girls, get to class,"

The engagement party made Cordelia want to claw her eyes out. And that was putting it lightly because Becka was still her friend and she should support her.

Naomi arrived with Cordelia because she knew how nervous the girl was about being there, but also because she had been good friends with Rose Chapin, Garth's mother.

"Hey," Naomi said, placing her hand on the girls shoulder, "You will be fine," she promised.

She sighed, shaking her head, "This is like my worst nightmare," she looked over at the drinks table, "I'll see you in a bit,"

She started walking over, trying to ignore the Chapin family in the corner, "Cordelia, darling," a voice called out and she turned around to see Garth's mother Rose waving to her from the other side of the room.

Becka looked at her confused, not sure how she knew her. Cordelia rushed over and the woman pulled her in for a hug.

"My goodness, do you not just get more beautiful everyday?" She asked teasingly.

She laughed, a smile on her face. She had missed this family more than she wanted to admit, "If that is in God's will,"

Cordelia looked over, a smile on her face as she bent down to kiss Commander Chapin on the cheek. She knew who he was, what he had done, and why Mayday had poisioned him. But still, he was like a second father to her.

"And you have not aged a day Ron," she said, placing her hand over his on the mobility chair.

He smiled and Becka gasped. It was the first time that she had seen the near paralysed man smile, like he wanted to put the effort in for her.

"You'll give him an ego," Garth said and she turned around to look at him.

Her heart skipped a beat when she saw him all dressed up in his suit for his engagement party. She had always seen herself in Becka's shoes, ever since she was a little girl.

"Garth," she said with a smile, leaning in to hug him. The two shared a cordial embrace, like two friends who hadn't seen each other in nearly a year - which is what his parents thought.

"Garth?" Becka questioned, the words like venom on her tongue, "He is Guardian Chapin to you,"

The girl still remembered the conversation from yesterday when Cordelia had embarrassed her and chastised her at the table for it.

She turned to her slowly, a coy smile pulling at her lips as she realised that she held the upper hand, "The Chapin's are family friends, we have always called each other by first names,"

"Yes dear, Cordelia is my boy's oldest friend. She has been with the family through nearly everything," she explained, "Speaking of which, where is your mother, I must see her,"

She wrapped her arms around the girls shoulders, both waving goodbye to Becka before they walked into the party.

"My dear, may I be frank with you?" She said, pausing at the drinks table.

Cordelia nodded, brows furrowed. Rose Chapin was a good woman, a very pious woman, which meant that she never engaged in any gossip or slander of Gilead, "Of course,"

She sighed like there was something weighing on her mind, "I do not like this Becka girl," she admitted, shoulders dropping as the weight of her confession fell away, "I just always thought that one day, you know, Garth would marry you,"

Cordelia could feel the tears burning behind her eyes at the confession. She had to hold herself together, not allowing anyone else to see the emotion she felt.

She looked over her shoulder and saw Garth watching the conversation. He flashed her a smile and her heart broke into a million pieces.

"I understand Rose, my father always thought I would marry Garth as well," she said, a sad smile on her face, "But Aunt Lydia didn't approve the match, and anyway, my stepfather would never have approved,"

Rose Chapin placed a hand on the girls shoulder, "Perhaps, in another time, God will grant you your wishes," she said.

Cordelia put on a fake smile because she knew that Rose was devoted to God, that the path he had written out was the correct one and there should be no deviation, "I pray for that,"

She spotted her mother across the room, flashing her a look that said to come and save her. She nodded, rushing over with excitement, "Rosie! How are you?"

As the two women caught up on their lives, Cordelia noticed her three other friends standing together. Shunammite gave her a sad smile as she walked over.

"You know the Chapin's?" Hulda asked, having noticed the interaction.

She put on a cordial smile, "Yeah, we knew each other in Boston," she explained, the girls looking at each other like they had unlocked new information on their friend.

"What happened to him?" Agnes asked, gesturing to his father who was in a wheelchair.

"He fought for Boston, they would have lost the city sooner if it weren't for him," she explained.

"Don't they have any Martha's?" Hulda asked, looking around.

Shunammite rolled her eyes, "I guess you don't need Martha's when you live in a house this small,"

Cordelia could feel that sickness still in her chest at all of the cordial conversation and small talk. She excused herself, practically rushing outside, leaning her head against the wall in anguish.

A few moments later, she heard a glass shattering but she was too in her own head to deal with it.

Cordelia cursed herself because she had a job to do, she had to work for Mayday and help free the women of Gilead but instead, all she could think about was some boy.

"You okay Cordelia?" A voice asked and she turned to see Daisy walking outside with Garth and his father.

She nodded, walking over and helping to wipe his father's cheek, he gave her a soft smile but she knew that was the extent of his abilities.

"What happened to him?" Daisy asked.

"He was poisoned," Garth explained, looking over at the girl who was dutifull checking on his father.

He remembered the day it had happened. Cordelia was living in New Bethlehem at the time with her new mother but had come back after her father's death.

Garth had cried into her shoulder all night after he had seen his father in the hospital. They had been so young then, ger dress still pink, his blue.

"It was an assassination attempt by Mayday," Cordelia explained. She remembered hearing about it years afterwards, how they had poisoned tons of Commanders at a brothel.

"My father is the bravest man I've ever known," he said, a sad look on his eyes, "He was just fighting for the wrong side?"

"Can he hear us?" Daisy asked.

Cordelia shook her head, "Only up close, plus, he can't speak or write so it's okay," she said, looking down at him with a sense of pity.

"How are you going to get out of this? Your wedding?" Daisy asked, looking at Garth.

He sighed, almost like he didn't want to be having this conversation in front of Cordelia, "I'm not gonna get out of it," he said, "I wish I could,"

"You don't love her," Daisy stated.

"You don't expect to marry someone you love in Gilead," he looked over at Cordelia who was stoic, shoulders back and head held high, "I never expected to fall in love with anyone, so it's made it harder that I have,"

Daisys eyes darted between the two of them, "Well damn, you finally admitted it to each other,"

"We'll make it work," Cordelia said, looking over at him.

It was the first time since both of their engagements that they had mentioned wanting to keep seeing each other, wanting to maintain what they had and to fight for it.

He nodded, "Of course," he turned back to Daisy, "Is this what you wanted to talk to me about?"

She took a deep breath, "I got my period," she announced.

His eyes went wide, looking between the two girls, "Blessed be the fruit," he said, almost an automated response to that.

Cordelia chuckled slightly before her friend glared daggers at her, "Are you kidding me? I need you to get me tampons or something I can hide,"

"I don't know what those are," He stuttered, confused and not really wanting to talk about this subject.

"If the Aunts find out, they'll marry me off," she said, breathing shakily at the thought of having to be stuck in Gilead for the rest of her life, "I need you to get me out of here. I'm done,"

Daisy was practially begging now. She hadn't realised how difficult the task was when she first signed up for it and now she was going to be stuck here.

She scoffed, "There is no done," Cordelia said, "We have to stay until we win,"

"I want to destroy Gilead, me and Delia both do, you know how much we do,," he looked at her, blue eyes piercing through her, "A lot of people risked everything to get you in here because you wanted the same thing. So, what do you want?"

She rolled her eyes, "Let me think," she turned away, walking back through the doors which left the two of them out there.

"Hey," Garth said, his hand reaching for his risk. He brushed his thumb over her pulse point, feeling the way that her heart sped up at his touch.

"Hey," she echoed, blush spreading across her cheeks.

Cordelia was a strong woman who had power in Gilead, in Mayday. But when she was around Garth, she crumbled into a blubbering schoolgirl and that was something that needed to change.

"Come here," he whispered, voice low as he looked around.

Stepping towards him, Cordelia also looked around to make sure that nobody could see them talking by themselves, "Garth," she whispered.

"Just one kiss," his voice seemed deeper than it normally was as his eyes flickered down to her lips.

She rolled her eyes, "Fine, just one,"

He smiled, fingers resting underneath her chin and pulling her face up to his so he could press a chaste kiss to her lips. The kiss sent chills down her spine, causing her eyes to flutter shut.

"You gotta stop doing that," she said as she pulled away, her cheeks now visibly bright red at his affectionate touch.

The cheeky smile spread across his face again, "Doing what?" He questioned.

"Flirting with me in public, you are soon to have a wife," she said, her heart breaking a little bit at the mention of it.

He nodded, leaning in and brushing his hand across her cheek, "You are the strongest, most beautiful woman I know. We can make it though this," he promised.

Garth kissed her one more time, this time on her forehead before he looked at her again, almost as if he were trying to recite her face to memory so when he would lie in bed at night, all by himself, he could think of this moment.

As he walked away, helping his dad back inside, Cordelia just watched. She knew this would all work out, but right now she didn't know how.

All she knew is that she was going to stay strong, she was going to stop letting her emotions cloud her judgements and she was going to take Gilead down, burn it brick by brick.

Taglist: @hadesnumber1daughter @cherrrycherryyyb0mb

Hello Easy Silence fans!! First off, thank you for all of your support. I have been writing this series since the show began and thought nobody would want to read a Garth x OC fanfiction but decided I loved the story I'd planned out too much not to share it. I am currently on holiday and this is the last chapter I had pre-written so next update will be in a few days but I promise, it'll be some good angst.

My main question I wanted to pose is what do we want to happen to Cordelia. I am a massive fan of the book The Testaments and those who have read it may know that Garth is a minor character in that, never actually stepping foot in Gilead so all of his storylines with Daisy, Agnes and Becka never happen so I have no idea where this version is heading for Garth.

Currently, I have two options (spoilers for anyone who hasn't finished the TV show). 1: Garth marries Becka and Cordelia end ups back at the school with Agnes, Shu and Daisy (no spoilers for how she ends up there, I have plans). Or 2: Garth marries Cordelia after Becka kills her dad, and he marries Becka off to his friend who is a good guy.

Cordelia was due to marry Commander Lewis. He was not a bad option and she knew that, especially for her line of work with Mayday. Marrying him would allow her to access more information that any other operative before, especially if she could gain his trust.

But at the same time, marrying him was like a death sentence. It was knowing that she would never get to be with Garth in the way she wanted.

Sometimes, when she got sad about it all, she thought back to the kiss they had shared that night in the room, the way that he held her so gently, like she was valuable.

The thought of him marrying Becka made her feel like someone was stripping her raw from the inside out, an evil force pulling every human part of her away.

As she walked towards the Aunt Lydia School that morning, she felt a sickness in her bones, like she was slowly starting to crumble apart.

There were whispers about who everyone was engaged to and though nothing had been confirmed yet, the rumours of a Guardian who was becoming a Commander getting married were very clear.

That meant that Garth would be marrying Becka and she would have to suffer for the rest of her life. Especially now that her parents had picked a man who was local so she would be forced to be in the same social circles as the couple.

When Cordelia saw him standing by the wall of the Aunt Lydia School, her heart was pounding in her chest.

Her decision was to just ignore him, to ignore the way that she felt like crumbling to the floor at his feet.

"Congratulations, on your engagement," he said as she walked past.

Cordelia froze, her heart pounding in her chest. He had heard that she was going to be marrying Commander Lewis.

She wondered if he felt the same way about her, if when he thought of her marrying someone else, it was like being burnt alive.

It did. As Garth stood at the wall, he could feel his heart shattering as he looked at the girl. He had always seen her in his future and now, that had been taken away.

"And congratulations to you too, Guardian Chapin," she responded, turning slowly to him.

The way he nodded confirmed it. She knew that they would get married and that was the moment her entire world fell apart.

Garth looked at her for a moment, noticing the bags under her eyes from where she hadn't been sleeping properly the last few days.

A tear slipped over the brims of her eyes as she looked at him. They were both marrying other people.

She thought again about the way he had looked at her in her room, the way he had promised her that they would find a way to be together despite the world that was actively pulling them apart.

"Blessed Day," she said, voice hoarse. Cordelia walked away, trying to hide the way her hands were shaking as she held the tears back.

"Delia," he called out, a few heads turning to look at him.

She turned around, wiping the tears from her face as she shook her head. If he kept being like this then they would get exposed and that was the last thing she wanted. 

He just stood in his spot, not moving an inch. He had to hold back the tears that were now burning behind his eyes. This was not the life he ever imagined himself.

After copulation class, they were all at lunch, sitting in the canteen when Aunt Lydia approached the balcony above them.

"When each of you girls first entered the gates of this institution, it was with one goal in mind. To prepare you for tomorrow, for marriage, motherhood, serving God," she spoke into the microphone.

There was a seed of hatred in Cordelia's chest. Aunt Lydia had failed her, hadn't given her what she wanted. Sometimes she wondered how big of a sin that was, the sin of coveting another man like that.

"Today, we rejoice with the daughters of Gilead who have taken that first step. Blessings on Constance Wickem who is to marry Commander Moore," she announced.

The girl squealed like a pig, clapping for herself as she looked around with delight. That was more of a sin, Cordelia thought, the sin of self interest.

She read out the other girls such as Jehoshaba, Agnes, Cordelia, Myriam, Hulda, and many more.

Then she finished, "And Blessings on Becka Grove who is to marry soon-to-be Commander Chapin,"

Cordelia had to force herself to clap, her hands heavy as she applauded her friend. She looked up at Aunt Lydia, the woman meeting her eyes and she looked away.

It was disrespectful to do that to an elder, to look away when they had their attention to you but she didn't care. She'd take whatever lashings appropriate to scorn that woman.

"Congratulations on your betrothals," Aunt Lydia cleared her throat, looking away from Cordelia like she was almost upset by her reaction, "May the Lord bless you and keep you,"

They all staryed eating, all of the girls chatting to themselves. Still, there seemed to be an air of awkwardness between Hulda and Agnes, as if they knew something the others didn't.

"Have you been to Commander Thomas's house yet?" Shunammite turned to Hulda, trying to get rid of the tension at the table.

She nodded meakly, almost as if there was something wrong with her. Cordelia noticed, sharing a confused look with Becka.

"Paula must love all the wedding planning," Becka said to Agnes, trying to change the subject.

Agnes just nodded silently. There was something strange at the table and nobody but Hulda and Agnes knew what was going on.

Shunammite furrowed her brows before turning to Becka, "My mum said Chapin's father was a big Commander back in the day,"

"He was, he fought for Boston," Cordelia said, almost by instinct and cursed herself for saying it out loud.

"How did you know that?" Becka asked, brows furrowed. She didn't even know that.

Her face turned red as she thought about what to say. If the other girls knew about her friendship and relationship with the Chapin family then it could cause rifts between the girls.

Shunammite sensed her friends panic and jumped in, "I told her about it this morning," she said, "You dodged a bullet with those other ones,"

"They let me decide," she said, "I chose Garth,"

Cordelia scoffed. There was a moment where the anger boiled up inside of her and she became her father's daughter, a girl raised alongside a rebellious Handmaid, a psychotic mother and a Mayday family.

"What's wrong with you?" Becka asked, her quiet tone dropping now.

"It's inappropriate to call him Garth, he is still a Guardian and you are not yet married to him," she spat out, unable to control the anger.

Daisy noticed the girl spiralling out of control and placed a hand on her arm, trying to center her back down to Earth.

"I think what Cordelia means is that it is not the proper etiquette," she said, trying to defend the girl who had always defended her.

Becka rolled her eyes, "Does your Pearl Girl always have to sit with us?" She asked, her tone condescending, "She's giving Cordelia some bad habits,"

"Shes my friend," Cordelia said.

The tension on the table was beginning to bubble over and she had to hold herself back from going batshit crazy on the girl that had always been her friend.

"Why is everyone so touchy?" Shunammite asked. It was clear there were several unspoken issues around the table nobody wanted to discuss, "Today is supposed to be fun,"

Cordelia took a deep breath and shot her friend a smile. She was the only one of the Plums who knew about what was going on between her and Garth, or at least some of it. It was nice to have her support.

"Who's gonna throw the first engagement party?" She asked, breaking the tension.

"Me," Becka said and everyone turned to her in shock, "The invitations for me and Garth are being handed out today,"

She emphasised his name in a way that made Cordelia grip onto her knife, her knuckles going white. She could kill that girl in at least 4 different ways before anyone batted an eye but she knew that the anger wouldn't get her anywhere.

She stayed silent for the rest of the lunch, a sickening feeling in her stomach at having to attend the engagement party of the two of them.

Cordelia was sitting in her chair, finishing off the needlepoint she had been working on at school. The embroidery of the flowers made her smile, thinking about how happy she had been when she had received them.

Now, they felt a bit like a waste. Dying just like all of her hopes for what the rest of her life would look like.

She thought that she heard something outside of her window, ignoring the noise as she used the scissors to cut through the fabric, holding it up and admiring her handiwork.

Then, the window blew open and she held the scissors up like a weapon, turning around to see a man stepping through her window.

"Garth, what are you doing here?" She yelled out, dropping the scissors and running over to him.

This was perhaps, the most reckless thing that she had ever seen him do. He had never done this before, snuck into her house in the dead of night.

"I couldn't sleep," he said, a small blush on his cheeks as he just stood there, almost wondering why he had done something so foolish.

Cordelia walked to the window, looking around outside to make sure that nobody else had seen him come in before she closed it, turning to him with that disapproving look on her face.

"You could get caught, you could get hung. I could be sent away," she said.

She had seen Guardians punished for a lot less, but if people had seen him sneak into her window then they could both get sent away - she could end up as a Handmaid.

"Your parents wouldn't let that happen," he said.

She sighed, not in the mood to argue with him after everything that happened, "What is going on?"

"I had to come see you, after everything that happened. I had to apologise," Garth said, walking towards her.

"For what?" She questioned, heart pounding in her chest.

This was the first time that she had spoken to him since two days ago when she had found out who the contenders were for her marriage. It broke her heart a little bit to look at him.

"For not fighting hard enough. I should have suggested I wanted to be eligible, I should have demanded to be put on your list," he wiped a hand over his face, clearly frustrated with himself over everything that had happened.

The words made her heart skip a beat. He had requested to be one of her contenders, it just hadn't been granted. There was a small ball of hope that maybe, just maybe, he felt the same way about her.

"You wanted to marry me?" She asked, voice almost hesitant. She didn't want to assume something and get rejected even more.

He scoffed like it was the most obvious answer in the world. "Yes, Jesus, Delia, are you that thick?"

"Excuse you!" Her eyes were wide at his language. He never spoke like this around her.

"I love you Cordelia Lawrence, I have loved you since you were in that little pink dress, running around my kitchen. I have loved you my entire life," he admitted.

She just stood there in shock, eyes wide as she realised what he had just admitted. A blush covered her cheeks and she knew it was obvious how much she cared about him.

"I would have been a wonderful husband. I would have loved you through anything," he stepped forward, taking her hands in his.

This was improper, not the way any good girl in Gilead should act but she held his hands, the blush deepening on her cheeks.

"But we can't," she said, voice hoarse.

He shook his head like he was not ready to take no for an answer, "I will fight,"

There was a silence as she thought about it. It was honourable of him to try and fight for her but both knew it would be futile, they would never get what they wanted, not in Gilead

"Do you love me Delia?" He asked, those piercing eyes trained on hers.

At the ball, he had stared at her with so much emotion in her eyes that she thought she would swoon there on the dancefloor, he was giving her that same look now.

"I-" she didn't know what to say, heart beating a million miles per second. She was too scared, "It's complicated,"

Cordelia looked away from him, unable to look him in the eyes when he was staring at her with so much love, or lust. He was looking at her like he loved her, truly, wholeheartedly.

"No, it's not, look at me," he placed a hand on her cheek, gently pulling her face so that she was forced to look him in the eyes, "Do you love me as much as I madly love you?"

Her breath hitched at his touch, pulse racing as she nodded, "Yes Garth, I love you,"

He took a deep breath, his face lighting up in a smile, "I never thought I'd hear you say that," he said, his thumb stroking against her cheek.

Cordelia smiled too, a massive, giddy, childlike smile, "I never thought I'd admit it either,"

They just stood there for a second, taking in the moment that they had both admitted their love for one another. They would never feel like this again.

"We should run away together," he suggested.

"We can't. There are so many people depending on us," she said, shaking her head, "I'm sure we will figure something out,"

He stepped a little bit closer to her, his eyes trailing her face like he never wanted to forget what she looked like this close. Tracing the tiny freckles under her eyes, the curve of her face, the one hair that fell in front of her vision.

"Dancing with you at the ball changed my life," he admitted, his voice almost a little breathy, "I would have kissed you if I had the chance,"

"I would have let you," she said, taking a deep breath at the confidence she had to say that.

He smiled, a cheeky smile that she hadn't seen in a while, "Yeah?" Garth questioned, and she nodded her head, "Well then, Cordelia Lawrence, may I kiss you?"

Her heart was pounding as she nodded again, "Please,"

At the sound of how needy her voice was, he leaned in and gently pressed his lips against hers. It was both of their first kisses, and neither would ever be able to forget that moment.

His hand slipped around behind her neck, pulling her even closer to his lips as if he didn't want there to be a millimeter of distance between them.

When she pulled back, Garth rested his forehead against hers, a massive grin on his face, "I am so in love with you,"

Cordelia giggled, a high pitched giggle the boy had never heard from the strong Mayday operative, "I am in love with you too," she admitted.

They stayed like that for hours, talking about everything, stealing kisses in between words. After that night, Cordelia knew she would never be the same.

When Cordelia sat at lunch the next day, she knew that the girls would be asking about who their matches were and she knew that she would find out who was matched with Garth.

"So, who did you get Agnes?" She asked.

"Uh, Commander Pritzger, Commander Riley and Commander Weston," she replied, a little hesitant.

Shunammite smiled, nodding her head in approval, "Paula's probably peeing herself right now," she said, "Weston runs the Eyes, thats what my Marthas say,"

Hulda leant over, "Then why isn't he married?"

"He was married, his wife died," Cordelia said, "In childbirth I think,"

"We'll you'll get to go to all the state functions and you'll probably get a million Martha's," Shunammite said, bragging like she was marrying him.

"Have you got any Delia?" Agnes asked, trying to get the conversation off of her, she was clearly uncomfortable with it all.

She nodded, "Commander Jacobson, Commander Lewis and Commander Levison,"

"Jacobson is good, he works in DC so you'll be in the real elite," Shunammite said. Sometimes Cordelia wondered how she knew so much about all of these men.

"It's far from home," Becka said, looking a little sad at the thought of her friend being away from them all.

Cordelia shrugged, "I'll sort something out. Did you get any Becka?"

She nodded, chewing on her food. She was clearly unhappy to have gotten a match but all the other girls were delighted that even after what had happened at the ball, someone would marry her.

"Commander Maddox," she said, an annoyed look on her face.

Cordelia's eyes went wide, he was the same Commander that had gotten her drunk at the party, "Oh yuck,"

"And a Commander from the Colonies," Becka said, an even sadder look on her face. That was a low one, no girl wanted to marry a man from the Colonies, "And Commander Chapin,"

The words made her heart sink in her chest as she realised that Aunt Lydia had paired those two together. The bile rose in her throat and she just sat there for a minute, trying to hide the tears brimming in her eyes.

"I've never heard of him," Shunammite said before turning to her friend who looked like she was on the verge of tears. She furrowed her brow, confused as to why her reaction was so extreme.

"He's my Guardian, he is being promoted to Commander," Agnes said, excited that it would mean Becka would get to stay.

"I will have to excuse myself, I'm not feeling very well," Cordelia said, standing up with a smile before speeding off towards the bathrooms.

She kicked down the doors of each stall to make sure that there were no other girls in there before she knelt down, head in the toilet as she threw up all of her lunch.

"Pray, what is wrong?" A voice called out and she turned to see Shunammite standing there.

The girl instantly rushed over, holding her friends hair back as she continued to throw up, retching violently every time she thought about Becka and Garth together.

When she finally composed herself, she stood up and walked towards the sinks, washing her mouth out with water.

She turned around and looked at the worried expression on her friends face, "Just bad food probably Shu,"

"No, you had a reaction when Becka mentioned she was potentially going to marry Commander Chapin," she said, furrowing her brow.

There it was again, that gut reaction that had Cordelia grabbing onto the porcelain sink so hardly that her knuckles went white.

"Who is he?" Shunammite asked.

"You remember I used to live in Boston, during the war," she explained.

The other girl nodded. They all knew the rumours about her mother going crazy and killing herself and how her father was deemed a traitor before managing to rise up through the ranks again.

"He lived next door. He was my best friend for many years, even before Gilead I knew him. Garth Chapin was like family to me," Cordelia could feel the tears burning behind her eyes as she explained the story to her, "My dad promised me to Garth when we were young but now he's dead, and uh, Commander Chapin Sr is mute,"

"Oh, so you were always supposed to marry Commander Chapin?" Shunammite asked, now understanding why the girl was so upset. She nodded, wiping the tears from her face, "I'm sure if you explain it to Becka-"

"I explained it to Aunt Lydia already and clearly she didn't listen," she said, her voice almost venomous.

"Is there nothing we can do?" Shunammite asked, walking over to her friend and handing her a hankerchief..

She wiped the tears away, the realisation that she had lost him boiling up in her chest, "It's done now, we just have to hope her parents don't say yes to him,"

Shunammite wrapped her friend in a hug, letting her cry into her shoulder. It made her realise that maybe there could be some love in Gilead, even if you had to claw your way to it.

The days after the ball were hectic, all of the woman talked about the Commanders that they thought they would get, and they were all extra nice to the Aunts.

With the confirmation from Daisy now that Garth was to become a Commander, there was a fluttering hope in Cordelia's chest that maybe she could have everything.

There was a nervous energy in the Aunt Lydia School, Hulda was pacing back and forth and Becka just stood there, almost dejected.

This was the day that they would find out who the contenders for their marriage was. There were normally three or four, and it was your father who made the final decision.

"What's next after they pick the contenders?" Daisy asked.

"House visits, then wedding-" Shunammite started to say before she was cut off by a very dejected Becka.

"Then prison for the rest of our lives,"

Aunt Lydia cleared her voice and all of the girls went silent, eyes looking up to the top of the stairs to see the woman who would be deciding their fate.

She slowly walked down the stairs, and then past the girls ominously. They all watched, breaths held because one wrong move could ruin the rest of their lives.

They all sat in the embroidery room afterwards. Cordelia was sewing a bouquet, specifically the bouquet that she had been given by Garth a few days prior.

It was her little secret, and as she sewed the petals onto the flower, it made her smile to know the bouquet would be immortalised. Cordelia was sometimes disgusted how lovesick she was.

"My mother still isn't speaking to me," Becka said, breaking the silence in the room, "Not since what happened at the ball,"

Cordelia frowned, it wasn't fair that some perverted man could ruin her prospects, "It's not your fault,"

"Who cares?" Shunammite whispered, "It might be his fault but now she might wind up with a Commander from the Colonies,"

She shrugged, "Then I wind up with a Commander from the Colonies, at least I won't have to see him as much," she said, half sarcastic and half real.

Shunammite sighed, looking over at the girl, "Do you know that some of your friends put themselves in jeopardy to save your reputation from wicked girls?"

"Jealous prune," Jehoshaba spat out from the other side of the circle

Cordelia watched the way her friends eyes welled up, she was calling her a dried out plum, "Being hateful ages you Jehoshaba, I'm suprised the Commanders don't think you're past your prime,"

That shut the girl up. She dropped her embroidery ring and walked over to the other side of the room, picking out some more colours.

Hulda and Daisy walked in before any drama could be started, the former girls face lit up in a massive smile.

"Our dear Hulda has been touched by His divine hand which makes her a Green and this eligible this season," Aunt Vidala explained as she walked around the girls.

They all clapped for her, but she could see the sadness in Shunammite eyes. .

"God has offered you the chance to step into your womanhood with an important lesson," she stood behind Shunammites chair, "What do you think the punishment ought to be for a girl who uses violence against another girl?"

The two girls shared a look, almost like they knew that neither wanted to be in this position but had to be.

"Such a girl ought to have her hands bound and whipped," Hulda said with tears in her eyes.

All of the girls sat, a tense silence falling over the group that they would turn on each other so easily. That was what Cordelia hated most about this world, that it made the girls see each other as competition.

She stood up, walking over to the desk where Hulda held her hands down as Aunt Vidala hit them.

Cordelia could see the horror in Daisys eyes at what what going on. She hated it too, but she had gotten too good at hiding it.

There was a smile on Jehoshabas face and Cordelia sent her a nasty glare. There was no need to treat your fellow women like this.

At lunch, Shunammite was silent for once. Her hands were wrapped in bandages but she didn't let the moment break her, she kept her head held high.

"Shu, how are your hands?" Agnes asked.

The girl brushed it off quickly, "Fine,"

There was silence as they realised what kind of world they lived in, one where their friends were beaten.

Then the normal Shunammite appeared, "I heard some news from the nurses office," she whispered, "Penny's gone into labour,"

"It's too early, right?" Daisy questioned.

Cordelia nodded, "This is her third pregnancy, the others ended,"

They all held hands, Agnes muttering a prayer for Penny and her baby. It wasn't fair that she lost her baby, again.

As she walked along the hallway, she stopped when she noticed Aunt Lydia. She had aged since she first saw her as a child, when she had brought Emily and then June to her house.

"Cordelia Lawrence, are you alright?" She asked.

Cordelia froze, she didn't know what she would say to the woman, "Yes, Aunt Lydia,"

"Can I help you with something?" There was an annoyance to her tone, almost as if she didn't want to talk to the girl.

She walked around to face her on her seat, "Yes, Aunt Lydia. I have a question, very respectfully,"

She nodded, gesturing for the girl to sit down. She remembered seeing her in Boston, the day that she had handed Angela over to Janine. She wondered if the woman ever knew why she chose to stay in Gilead.

"Guardian Chapin, the man who rescued me from the bus," she took a deep breath, closing her eyes. This was stupid of her but she couldn't waste the opportunity, "I thought perhaps with his promotion, he might be eligible for this season,"

She looked away, thinking for a moment. Cordelia's heart was pounding in her chest, wondering if she had exposed herself too much.

Aunt Lydia sighed, "Your father was good friends with Commander Chapin," she said.

"Yes, and that is why I wished to make my father proud, to honour him," she said, lips pursed together nervously.

"I shall think over the matter," the woman said.

She let out a breath she didn't realise she had been holding. This could change everything because then they could both be happy..

"Thank you, Aunt Lydia. You are most gracious," she said, a smile pulling on her lips, "Praise be,"

She nodded, "Now get to class, your mother will not be happy if you are late," she said.

That night, Aunt Vidala had dropped of the papers to their house. Cordelua sat in the dining room, staring at the pieces of paper. Whilst both her and her mother could read, neither dared to look at the paper before the Commander did.

"We have recieved the contenders, do you want to look through them?" Naomi asked.

Cordelia put her head on the table, groaning, "I'm nervous," she said, too afraid to even take a sneak peak.

Naomi laughed, "No need to be nervous, God will always come through for us,"

"Okay, call Commander Graham in," she said. Naomi called his name and he walked into the room, coming and sitting down at the head of the table between the two women.

He was a good man, but he was nothing like her father. His loyalty lied with Gilead first, and then the family.

He opened the first packet. Cordelia squeezed her eyes shut, praying to God that any of them would be Garth.

"We have Commander Jacobson, one of the younger ones. He worked under your father actually in economics. He's from DC," he explained.

"So very far from home," Cordelia said with a sigh, she didn't want to leave Colorado as all of her friends were there. At least if she stayed she could still see Penny and the other girls hopefully. And Garth.

"It is very far, I don't love that one, but he is attractive," Naomi pulled the paper towards her, looking at the picture of the man on it.

The Commander opened up the next folder, reading it out "Then we have Commander Levison, he is a very good option, lead the charge in Massachusets-"

Her mother cut him off as soon as she found out that he fought in Boston during the war and lived there. She must have recognised the name, "No, we don't want him,"

"Naomi, come on," Commander Graham said, not agreeing with her completely wriging him off.

"I don't want anyone related to our old lives, I don't want anyone who knows us that well," she said, standing her ground.

The war was difficult with her having to flee to New Bethlehem for a while where she married Commander Lawrence. And them everything that happened between her and Janine. She didn't want that getting out.

"Okay, then the last one we have, Commander Lewis," he said, opening up the final folder.

Cordelia felt her heart sinking at the words because that meant that Garth was not going to be an option.

She had thought that maybe after their dance at the ball and the conversations that they had, that maybe he felt the same way towards her. Or maybe the Aunts just didn't want to give Garth to her, even if he requested.

"He's a very good one Dove," Naomi said, spotting the sadness in the girls eyes.

She hummed in response, trying to stop the tears from spilling over her cheeks, "He's local isn't he?"

"Yes dear, he is. And he is a top Commander, very good, but on the front lines recently so he may have to stop doing that," he explained.

She nodded. He made the most sense because at least she would get to stay near home, and torture herself at not getting Garth. Or maybe she should choose Commander Jacobson and get as far away as possible.

"Any that you like?" The Commander asked.

"I will have a think, thank you father," she said, standing up and walking back to her room.

As soon as she closed the door behind her, she burst into a fit of tears. It wasn't fair that she didn't get Garth, and maybe he didn't even pick her. Maybe it was just a silly school girl crush.

Naomi walked into the room, spotting Cordelia crying on her bed and she rushed over. The girl never did this, never let the pressure of her life get tobher.

"Oh Dove, I'm sorry," she said, brushing a hand over the girls hair.

"It's not fair, he is eligible, why do I not get to have him?" She sobbed into her mother's arms.

Naomi sighed, "Maybe he wasn't made eligible,"

"I asked, I practically begged Aunt Lydia. I thought after everything she put this family through she would understand," she said.

Aunt Lydia had been a close friend of Naomis in Boston, always dealing with the troubles that Janine caused. And she had been a confidant of her fathers as he rose back to power.

"I'm so sorry. This life in Gilead, it is not fair," she said.

That just made her sob even harder because it was not fair, in any other life she could have him, "He's my best friend,"

"I know baby, I know," she pressed a kiss to her forehead. She began to cry, hating to see the stoic and brave little girl reduced to tears like this.

"I love him, I love him so much mother," she finally admitted out loud. It was rare to find love in Gilead, and even rarer to get to have it, "It's not fair someone else gets him,"

It made her cry harder and the thought of any of the other women in her year getting Garth. What would she do when one of them married him? Had his babies? The thought made her sick.

"I can try and talk to her," Naomi said.

She pulled away from the hug, wiping her face quickly, "The decisions already made, hes probably been assigned to another woman,"

"Just get some rest. We will talk about it in the morning," she said, kissing the too of her head again before leaving the girl to herself.

She reached into her bedside table, looking at the picture of Janine and Angela in Alaska. She cried a little bit more, wondering what they would say about it all.

For the first time in her life, she really regretted staying in Gilead. She should have left when she could. She should have taken Garth and ran away when she had the chance to, and that might haunt her forever.

Cordelias Martha, Jolene, opened the door. Daisy was standing at the door, a big smile on her face as she waved to the girl.

"We have been sent fine weather," she said, almost like a robot.

"Which I thank the Lord for," Cordelia replied, just like they were always taught to, as she ushered her friend into the room.

Naomi stepped out, looking at the Pearl Girl standing at her door. It was very rare to meet them, and even the other women in Gilead knew they were not to be trusted.

"Who is your friend?" She asked with a kind, and very fake, smile.

"This is Daisy, she shadows Agnes but with all of the chaos with her dress fittings, I've offered to help her with her religious studies today," she said.

"You are a good girl Dove," her mother said, a hand brushing over her shoulder. She knew something else was going on.

"Are these your gifts from the Commanders?" Daisy asked, looking at the table in front of her.

"Most of them," she said, watching as the girl walked around.

The two walked up stairs, finally aafe to discuss Mayday and anything they wanted to talk about. Just like normal girls.

"Your mum is nice," Daisy said, standing in the bedroom and looking around. It was not as big as Agnes' but still large.

Cordelia nodded, walking over to the two armchairs on one side of the room, "Yeah, but shes my stepmother,"

"Oh, are you like, a Handmaids kid?" She asked.

"No, my parents are my real parents but they have both died," she said, shaking her head.

Everyone in Gilead knew about her parents, how her father had been murdered my Mayday. They all expected her to hate him.

"I'm sorry I-" Daisy started to say, feeling bad that she had brought the topic up.

"It's fine. My mum killed herself when I was about 8 um, she was very mentally ill," she explained, "Then my dad was killed by Mayday in a plane bombing but that was after he married Naomi, my stepmother,"

She furrowed her brow in confusion, "So why did you join Mayday then?"

"My dad, and June," she said, the girls face lighting up at the mention of June, "They were both Mayday and inspired me to stay in Gilead and fight. My father was invited onto a Gilead plane he knew would be blown up but uh, he stayed on it so the others didn't get suspicious. He sacrificed himself to kill 10 top level commanders,"

There was a moment of silence where Daisy thought about it all. It explained why Cordelia was such a strong girl compared to the others.

"He sounds like a cool guy," she said.

"He is, Garth loved him as a kid. He would come over and just read all the books in my dad's library," Cordelia said with a smile, thinking about all of those happy memories in Colorado.

Daisy's eyes went wide. She had always assumed that the two teenagers had met through Mayday, "I didn't realise you had known Garth for so long,"

"We created this network of young people in Gilead. His father and mine were best of friends so we grew up together," she explained.

"So thats why you two are all over each other then?" She said, giving her friends a teasing smile.

Cordelia scoffed, , "We are not all over each other,"

"I saw you dancing at the ball the other night, the way that you looked at one another. That was love," Daisy said.

She thought about it for a second, wondering if it was that obvious to everyone else. It made her a little nervous as if someone reported it for being inappropriate, he could be punished.

She shook her head, "He's a Guardian. They do not let Commanders daughters marry Guardians,"

"So you do like him!" She exclaimed loudly.

Cordelia shushed her, looking around like someone would hear, "I did not say that!"

"Come on, we are friends here," Daisy said with a smile.

It was true, they were friends. Ever since the bus attack, the girls had all become especially close. Daisy and Cordelia both had the shared friendship of living a double life, something the other girls would never understand.

"Maybe. Okay, just maybe I am slightly in love with Garth," she admitted, her head falling into her hands.

"Aha! I knew it," Daisy said with a smile.

"Let's leave it for now Daisy, you wanted to talk about something?" She pulled her head from her hands, hoping that the blush on her cheeks wasn't too obvious.

"Okay lover girl, I wanted to ask how to contact June," she said.

Cordelia sighed, "I don't even know, I have one radio call which is for emergencies only, and so does Garth,"

"Radio call?" The girl questioned. She knew about Boston Free Radio but not about this.

"It's like a disposable radio. It can only send one message, then it dies. After that, we wouldn't be able to contact June," she explained.

Daisy nodded. She seemed to understand that it was only for emergencies and right now, even if she really wanted to get out, it was not an emergency.

"Whats she like?" Daisy asked.

Cordelia smiled. She had a lot of happy memories from when June lived with her, "She's very kind. I met her when she was my fathers Handmaid," her friend pulled a disgusting face and she had to explain what happened, "It was a ploy to get her in the house, she was never really a Handmaid to him,"

Daisy nodded, it made sense for a Mayday Handmaid to be matched with a Mayday Commander.

"After Angels Flight, I never saw her again," she explained, "I heard of things she did, I know what she did in Boston but we never saw one another after that,"

She had a lot of fond memories from living in Boston, even if it were a lot more dreary than where she lived now. June was one of those highlights, always being so kind to her mother, being there when she died.

"She seems like an amazing woman," Daisy said..

"She is. She is very brave but very stupid, that's what my dad always said," she replied with a laugh.

Cordelia stood up, walking towards the flowers on her desk. She remembered June used to get some from the shop, Loaves and Fishes, and gift them to her mother when she was in one of her episodes.

"They're gorgeous," Daisy said, standing up and looking at them, "Where are they from?"

"They were a gift, left with the other Commanders stuff but there's no note," she said, fingers brushing over the petals gently, it was a gorgeous gift, "They're Coredelias, and Violets,"

"This guy must know you well," Daisy said, her brows furrowing as she noticed a piece of paper tucked into the flower stems, "Wait, there is a note in here, do you want me to read it for you,"

Cordelia reached inside of the flowers, pulling the paper out, "It must have been knocked," she said as she opened the note up, "Delia, the real medal for bravery should be yours. Always yours,"

Her friends mouth was agape as she watched the girl read, she had never seen any of the other younger girls do that, "You can read!"

"My father taught me, told me that every woman should read Austen once in her life," she explained.

It was a difficult secret to keep, pretending like you couldn't read things when you were around other people, acting like it was insane that women used to be allowed to read.

"He seems like an incredible man too," Daisy said, reading the note herself when her friend passed it over to her, "But there's no name,"

Cordelia smiled, her cheeks visibly warm as she thought about who would have given her this beautiful gift, "Only one man calls me Delia,"

Daisy cheered, "Garth Chapin, smooth, very smooth," she teased.

Cordelia smiled. It was nice to have a girl to talk to sometimes, just to be a normal teenage girl, or the closest you could get to being one in Gilead

"What do you think mother?" Cordelia asked as she stepped out of her room, spinning around in her dress.

It was dark green and satin. There were long sleeves and a bit of lace around the neckline. It was elegant and a little bit racy for Gilead but she knew that people would like it.

"You look gorgeous, just like your mother," Naomi said, a smile on her face.

Cordelia smiled, "Thank you Naomi,"

Her stepmother cried, tears falling down her cheeks slowly as she looked at the girl, about to head to a ball where she might meet her future husband.

"Whats wrong?" She asked, stepping towards her.

"Just, I am sorry you have had to grow up here, I think to myself all the time that I should have figured out a way to get you out, that I should have sent you with Angela," she said, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

Cordelia placed her hands on her shoulders. She knew it was a difficult decision that day, allowing her to stay in Gilead but it was the right choice, "I can do more work here, June told me,"

She sighed, "I know, sometimes I wonder what Angela is like,"

"Me too, but hey, we have these updates of her," Cordelia gestured to the Polaroid picture that she had sitting on the side.

"From Garth," she said, almost a little teasingly.

"Guardian Chapin," Cordelia corrected, "He is a good friend of mine,"

"I think he wants to be more than a friend my little Dove," Naomi said, her smile falling as she realised that the world would not be able to let them be together, "I'm sorry you cannot enjoy the freedom of falling in love,"

There was silence. Cordelia had spent a long time thinking about what her feelings for Garth were and that really cemented that she was falling for him, or perhaps already had.

"I just want what's best for you," she said, brushing the girls hair from her face, making sure it was perfect, "Your father would have been so proud,"

Sometimes she wondered what he would say, what he would have done when she walked out in the dress to get ready for the ball. Cordelia knew he would have never let her stay in Gilead after the fall of Massachusets.

This was the night that was going to determine the rest of her life and she knew that if she got a good match, it would allow Mayday to get so much important information.

But what would she be losing?

Cordelia sat by one of the vanity tables, Becka looking over her makeup to make sure that everything was perfect.

It was nerve-wracking, even for a girl who did not care much about Gilead. But she knew that whoever she married had to be someone good, someone who could help her get further for Mayday.

It had taken a long time for her to realise that there was only one man she would ever be happy to marry and that was Garth, the man she had loved since he was a boy.

But she couldn't so she just focused on the night ahead. She was took out of her thought by Agnes coming in, having a cold reception to Becka.

"Pray, you all look so beautiful," Hulda said.

"You guys must be dying from excitement," Shunammite said, an almost jealous tone to her voice. They all knew that she wanted to be married off more than any of the other girls.

Hulds smiled, leaning over Becka's chair, "I hope you get to dance with Commander Henry, I hear he is blessed looks-wise,"

"He's a minor Commander, ignore him. The top Commanders don't come out until later," Shunammite said, "You girls are so lucky,"

"Girls," Aunt Estee said, finally putting down the camera that she had used to video all of the girls getting ready, "Somewhere out there is your future husband. Tonight, you will meet him. Soon, you will share a life with him and love and obey him as he will love and protect you,"

Cordelia took a deep breath as Shunammite came to stand behind her chair, "You look so beautiful,"

She smiled. Shunammite was one of her first friends when she arrived after the war, she was nosy and wanted to know all the gossip but thats what Cordelia needed so they became very close. Now they were just friends because they understood one another, truly.

"Thank you Shu," she said before standing up and walking over to the line that had began to form.

There were cheers and excitement as the Green fiels all walked into the room, joining the Purple and Pink Girls.

Commanders watched from the top balcony as the girls performed the opening dance. It felt a bit like they were picking out the ones they liked the most, it was sickening.

There was something though, that Cordelia loved. As she danced with the girls, she knew they all felt the same thing, the same love for Gilead. It was a love Cordelia never got to have.

She never had a normal childhood but this was her girlhood, dancing with her friends and performing, it was a moment she would never forget.

As the music ended, she looked over to see the fathers standing by the wall. They walked over, all heading towards their daughters and Cordelia looked at Commander Graham.

Her heart sank a little bit because she wished that her father could have been there, that he hadn't died when he did.

Instead she was dancing with her stepfather who was kind, but was never warm to her, not fully. He knew he could never replace the man who raised her.

He gave her a smile before handing her over to one of the Commanders. This was what Gilead was supposed to be - she knew her father would never have handed her away.

Cordelia thought back to what Garth had said, about her father only being able to hand her over to the best man and she knew this man was not it.

But still, there was something freeing about being able to dance, to be so free.

"Sorry, I've been a bit quiet, I'm nervous," the man said. He was tall and had blonde hair, just like hers. But he was not what she wanted.

"It's okay, so am I," she said, very aware of his hand in hers.

He smiled, "do you play any instruments?"

"The harp," she said, thinking about when her mother had bought her one when she was little, before she became really sick.

There were many dances after that, too much small talk about favourite classes and plans for womanhood and their parentage.

The dances with the lower Commanders finished and they were all sent back to the dressing room, all of the girls giddy from dancing.

Cordelia sat down at her vanity, Shunammite rushing over, "Any Commanders who have their eyes on you?"

"I'm not sure," She responded.

"Neither am I," Agnes chipped in.

Becka scoffed from her chair, "You seemed to like that first Commander,"

Agnes ignored her as she made sure her hair was alright, "Why are you paying so much attention to what Im doing?" She asked.

"Have I done something to offend you?" She asked, brows furrowed as she looked at her friend.

Hulda placed a hand on her shoulder, "I'm sure Agnes meant nothing by it," she promised.

Before the girls could erupt into an argument, Aunt Vidala walked in, "Girls, look smart, you are needed back on the floor,"

Cordelia took a deep breath. She knew that this was going to be where the Major Commanders were and these were the kind of men that her stepfather wanted her to marry.

The doors opened with the girls in position, Commanders stepping towards them. They were all older, widows, that was what was left for women of their status.

She turned around to see an older man, Commander Lewis, and she took his hand as he began to dance with him. There was a sickening feeling in her stomach and thats when she spotted Garth in the distance.

He had his eyes trained on her, watching as she danced. She looked up, making eye contact with him as he walked over and she began to panic - had she finally crossed the line?

"I'm sorry to interrupt Commander but your presence is urgently needed," he whispered into the man's ear.

He sighed, "Excuse me, Miss Lawrence, I'm being called away," he said, "If you could take my place with the young lady,"

He stepped towards her, almost hesitantly and she smiled, "Come on Garth, you know how to dance,"

Garth pursed his lips together, trying to hold back the laugh, "Just take my hand Miss Lawrence,"

As their hands brushed, it was like the rest of the world went silent. His eyes were trained on her, fingertips brushing against fingertips.

She was entranced with him because this is what it is supposed to feel like. This is what love feels like and as she spun around in his arms, she knew she loved him.

"You look beautiful Delia," he said, almost afraid to say it.

She smiled, blush rising to her cheeks, "You look very handsome too Garth, I see you got a pin for bravery," she spotted.

"I just had the good fortune not to get shot," he teased, standing side by side with her as they danced, hands on top of one another, "You are the most beautiful woman here,"

"You don't have to say that," she said, turning her face away.

"It is true," he promised, "The other security guys must be jealous of me right now,"

Cordelia smiled, "They don't need to be jealous, it's only ever been you,"

His face fell at that moment, at the admission of her feelings for him. He had felt that way towards her for years, hiding it because he knew he could never have her but now, knowing that she felt the same way back, it broke his heart.

"I hate seeing you dance with these men," he said, brows furrowed in anger, "They do not deserve you,"

Garth pulled her closer as they song csmr to a close, his hands brushing against her waist gently. He knew he wasn't supposed to but if this was the closest he would get to her in public, he had to take the risk.

"I don't want to marry any of them," she whispered, voice hoarse. She had never admitted it before.

The song ended and everyone applauded. She didn't even realise it was finished as she was too preoccupied in holding onto his hand, knowing she would have to let go.

"I'm sorry Miss Lawrence, I have to go now," his teeth were gritted almost as if he didn't want to leave.

"Garth, don't go," she said, taking one moment to be selfish.

He looked around, realising that they were the last two left on the dancefloor and he dropped her hand, "I'm sorry my love," he whispered before walking through the doors and out of view.

Cordelia felt as if the wind was knocked out of her. He had called her something he never had before and the connotations had her head spinning.

She walked off of the dancefloor as the song ended, her heart pounding in her chest as she walked into the hallway. She looked at Daisy who stood there, still as a statue.

There were tears in her eyes and Daisy rushed over, but before they could do anything, Becka suddenly stumbled into the hallway, her footsteps unsteady.

"Becka, whats wrong?" She rushed up to her, holding her by her arm.

"I'm gonna be sick," she said just as Shunammite ran out from the room where all of the Plums were.

"Daisy, quick, take her inside, we have to go back to our places," Shunammite said, giving her other arm to Daisy before they left.

Cordelia looked back, "I cannot leave her in this state," she said, shaking her head.

"Plum up Cordelia, you have to get back out there," she said, practically shoving the girl back onto the dance floor.

As she stepped into the room, she felt that sickening feeling in her stomach again. She did not want to go back into that room after her dance with Garth, after the way he had looked at her, the way he held her so softly like he was afraid she would break.

She looked to the corner of the room and saw Garth talking to some of the Commanders and he looked up, his eyes locking onto hers.

Cordelia noticed he looked away, but his gaze kept coming back to her, like a magnetic pull urging them together.

"Cordelia," a voice called out and she turned to see Aunt Gabanna standing there, "It's your turn, come with me please,"

She looked at him one more time, his gaze following her through the ballroom. She wished to just run up there and kiss him, to run away with him, but she had a higher duty.

"I'm taking you to some Commanders who would like to meet you," Aunt Gabbana explained as she walked her through the hallway, "You're soon to be matched with a Commander who's rank matches yours,"

There was something that made her sick, to think that she would have to face a Commander soon.

"The weak may fall but you mustn't stumble over them. Under His eye dear," she said, opening the door.

Cordelia stepped in and looked at Commander Judd as he sat at the head of the table, "Please, sit down," he said.

She did, sitting down, her hands in her lap so he didn't see them shaking. This was a hurdle she had to overcome as a Mayday operative - making the Commanders happy, whilst trying to destroy them.

She spent the next half an hour holding her breath, trying to make herself out to be the best wife that Gilead had to offer.

When she came out, all the Commanders were gone and it was just the girls in the ballroom, talking about how everything had gone. She noticed Agnes talking to Becka in the corner.

She walked over, noticing the girls were smiling now, "How was your evening Cordelia?" Becka asked.

"It was good, how are you feeling now?" She replied, knowing that she was unwell.

She gave her a sad smile, "I just hope it does not hurt my chances,"

The Plums all came in after the interviews were finished, Shunammite rushing over to where the three girls stood.

"Did the Aunts say anything yet?" She asked.

Becka shook her head, looking a bit upset that all anybody wanted to talk about was her misstep, "Not yet,"

"I'm sure there are Commanders who are waiting to match with you right now Becka," Cordelia promised, a hand on her friends shoulder.

Myriam rushed over, her normal panic evident in the way she was wringing her hands nervously, "How long do you think this will take?"

"Probably not long. The Commanders always give their requests to the Aunts, but they probably won't make any matches tonight," Shunammite said.

That was when Jehoshaba walked over, glaring at the nervous girl, "I saw you dancing with Commander Pritchet, don't get your hopes up,"

"Well you shouldn't get your hopes up either Jehoshaba, a desperate girl isn't a godly girl," Cordelia spat back. The girl stormed off, tossing her hair over her shoulder.

Agnes looked at her, a small smile on her face at how she handled that before she turned to Myriam, "Pray, ignore her, she is just showboating," she said.

"I hope so," Myriam said, tears welling up in her eyes again, "My mother said that he might be my best chance,"

As she walked off, Shunammite grimaced, "More like her only chance,"

The doors opened and they all gathered to see Aunt Vidala. She seemed angry, and that was angrier than she normally looked.

"Some of you did very well but some of you, and you know who you are, have dissapointed us all," she said, her voice seething with anger, "Pray He may be merciful in your matches,"

Then, before they could say anything else, the bell started to toll. Cordelia looked up confused, who could be ringing the bell today.

"That had to be a prank," one girl said.

"Not today, no one would do that," Shunammite said just as Hulda ran into the room, kneeling at Aunt Vidalas feet.

All of the other girls just stood there in shock, unable to comprehend how that would happen tonight of all nights.

Cordelia looked over at Shunammite as Hulda recited the speech. The girl looked like she was on the verge of tears, now the last girl in the group to get her period.

All of the girls rushed to her, saying their congratulations but it still felt like a sad moment for their friend.

As Cordelia walked out of that room in the evening, heading back to her car, there was a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach at the thought of the evening and having to marry any man who was not Garth.

Her name was called from upstairs and Cordelia rushed down, a little bit annoyed that she would have to deal with something else probably wedding related.

"What is it mother?" She asked, just wanting a little bit of time away from all the wedding prep. Everything was always dress fittings and reception food and just things she did not care about.

"I have a guest for you," she said.

"Oh, I am not ready for guests-" Cordelia panicked before she turned around the corner into her main living room and noticed the man sitting on the couch, "Guardian Chapin,"

"Blessed Day," he said, a soft smile on his face.

"I thought that I would invite him for tea, in order to thank him for saving your life that day on the bus," Naomi said, a cheeky smile appearing. She knew what she was doing.

Her brows furrowed in confusion. This was not normal, especially not with Guardians who also used to be family friends, "But Commander Graham-"

Naomi quickly cut her off, "He agreed, and said I could chaperone. But he is out for the next 40 minutes and I have work to do," she stood up, walking towards the girl, "Enjoy yourself dove,"

Dove was a nickname that her little sister had given her. Cordelia used to read Angela this picture book and she loved it so much that she started calling her sister that.

"Thank you Naomi," she said. It was tough at first when she came into her life but now, she couldn't imagine life without her.

She leaned forward, pressing a gentle kiss to the girls head before walking out. She knew how much the girl sacrificed every day and that if she wanted, she could have been living a normal life in Canada but chose to stay here and fight for her friends freedom.

"Come here," he said as soon as she was out of the room, his arms held out wide.

As soon as he held his arms out, Cordelia dropped her perfect persona and ran towards him, letting him pull her into a hug. She collapsed in his arms, a sense of peace she felt that she didn't.

"It is so good to see you," she said, voice muffled a little bit in his shoulder.

"Let me have a look at you, goodness, that scar is healing well," he said as he pulled away, hand brushing against her forehead as he looked at the small scar by her hairline.

"Naomi said it's not even noticeable, so that's good for the ball," she said.

He hummed in response, eyes focused on her forehead, "I would notice it,"

She felt her skin warm up at the intense focus that he had on her face. She only realised now that she was still in his hold so she stepped back, putting a little bit of distance between them.

"You calling me ugly now Guardian Chapin," she asked, teasing him slightly.

He laughed, shaking his head, "No, I'm just saying that I notice everything about you Miss Lawrence,"

There was a silence as Cordelia took in what he had just said. The butterflies in her stomach were running wild as she listened to his words - did he feel the same way about her.

"I never got to thank you properly for what you did on the bus, I-" she started to say but he cut her off.

"I would have killed all of the Mayday operatives to save you Delia, I would have done fucking anything,"

"Language," she critiqued, a smile on her face.

He rolled his eyes at her teasing comment, "I've missed you,"

"I've missed you too," she said.

Garth walked over to the table and looked at all of the gifts from the Commanders. He picked up one, reading the note from one of the men.

"You got a lot of gifts I see," he said, an annoyed tone to his voice that she didn't recognise.

Cordelia stood up as well, walking over to the table. It was weird to see her family being bribed with gifts for her to be married to one of them.

"Yeah, some are nice," she picked up one of the cards and looked around before reading it, "Dear Cordelia Violet, I hope you are well and are willing to save me a dance at the ball, Commander Williams,"

When she looked up from the note and at Garth, there was an irritated look on his face. She furrowed her brows and stared at him in confusion.

"Whats wrong with your face?" She asked.

"Nothings wrong with my face," he rolled his eyes which was the first sign that he was annoyed. Then she noticed the defensive tone and knew something was off.

"You look angry," she asked, putting down the note. She cocked her head to the side, trying to figure it out, "Is it cause I'm reading?"

Garth shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance, "Jesus Cordelia you know thats not it,"

"Then why? Why are you so mad that these men are interested in me?" She questioned.

He sighed, trying to figure out how to word it properly, "I don't want you to marry some asshole Commander from another state and I never get to see you again,"

She took a deep intake of breath as she thought about what he said. Did his annoyance for her suggest that maybe he did have feelings for her?

"Garth," she said, voice quiet as she tried to figure it all out.

"It's not fair, it's not how it should be. You should be able to marry a man cause you love him. He should treat you right," he said.

Garth was furious that the man who could marry his best friend would be someone awful, a terrible old man. He knew that he would be a better husband to her.

It made him pause for a second as he realised just how much he would love to be her husband, to be able to look after her and protect her and work alongside her.

"He might be nice," Cordelia tried to reason.

He scoffed, "They're all widows, they're not nice," Garth said, shaking his head in annoyance, "You deserve a man who will open doors for you, and make you laugh and kiss you every night before bed. He should hold you like you are the most important thing to him, not show you off like a prized pig,"

Her heart was pounding in her chest at his words, about how much he cared about her and how he wanted her to have that kind of marriage.

Cordelia stepped towards him, a soft look in her eyes. She could feel a blush spreading across her cheeks, never having had anyone be thos affectionate towards her before. 

"I didn't know you felt so strongly about the whole thing," she said.

"I've been cursing God since the minute you got your period because-" he started to say but cut himself off before he could finish the sentence.

He wanted to say because he knew that it meant that she would be forced to marry some creep, but he was too afraid to admit any more feelings.

"Because what?" She asked.

He was about to say it, tell her that he should be the man marrying her but he didn't as he heard footsteps walking towards them.

They both went silent, heads whipping towards the door so they could see if one of her Martha's were coming over. They would not want to be caught just the two of them in the room, knowing what scandal that would indicate.

"It's not important," he said with a sigh.

"It is to me," she responded. He shook his head before beginning to walk across the room, "Garth, do not walk away from me,"

"Do you remember what your father said?" Garth sat down on the sofa, looking over at her.

"He said a lot of things," she joked before sitting beside him.

He smiled, a small chuckle escaping his lips, "He said to my father that one day, he would give his only daughter away to only the best man there is. He would not have stood for some half-assed man to whisk you away,"

"So what would you have me do? My father is dead, my mother is dead, my sister has been taken away. I have no option," she said.

There was a sadness in the way she said it because she had no real family left, it was only what Gilead had left her.

"I don't know but-" he stopped himself from finishing the sentence again.

"But what! Stop leaving it like that!" She exclaimed, beginning to get annoyed at him.

The way that he looked at her at that moment was one she had never seen before. His eyes baring into hers as he tried to explain his feelings for her in the simplest way.

"My father's response to your father was that the only man who would be worthy would be a Chapin," he said.

"I forgot about that," she said with a smile, a blush forming across her face as she thought about it all, "I must have been 10, you were 13?"

He nodded, looking off into the distance almost like he was thinking about that moment that Commander Lawrence had shook his hand and practically handed his daughter over to him.

"I will not let someone unworthy marry you," he said, moving a little bit closer. 

He was so close now that she could feel his breath on her face. Sometimes, Cordelia wondered what it would be like to kiss him, to lean in and press a kiss against his lips. 

Garth's hand moved up, brushing a strand of hair behind her ears. He wondered as well, just for a moment, whether she would react if he finally kissed her, showing her the truth of his emotions.

"You are the most gorgeous girl I have ever seen Delia," he muttered, voice seemingly deeper than usual.

She blushed, her breath hitching in her throat, "Thats not true,"

"It is, it always has been," he said, looking up from her lips to stare into her blue eyes, eyes that he would be ready to drown in, "It's always been you,"

She felt his eyes flicker back down to her lips but before anything could happen, she heard the front door open and the two scrambled away from each other - her stepfather was home.

There was a sense that they had done something wrong, that they had crossed a line they hadn't meant to cross but neither had time to discuss it as Naomi walked in.

She stood at the door for a moment, her eyes flickering between the two teenagers as if she was trying to figure out what had just happened in that room.

She sat down on the sofa opposite the duo, patting the seat next to her. Cordelia nodded, knowing that her stepfather would never allow two people of opposite genders to sit beside one another like that.

Then he walked in, Garth standing up to walk over and shake the man's hand, "Sorry I'm late," Commander Graham said before sitting down on the armchair.

He was an important man, not as important as her real father but he still held a position in the community that was undeniable.

"Thank you for saving my dear girls life," he said, looking over at Cordelia.

Garth smiled, eyes trailing over to the girl, "It was my pleasure sir,"

"I heard rumours that you may be promoted to a Commander for your bravery," he asked.

Cordelia's brows furrowed as she realised that he hadn't mentioned that since they had started their conversation. That would mean so much to Mayday to have him as a Commander.

"There are considerations, whatever is God's will," Garth replied, eyes flickering over to gauge Cordelia's reaction.

"Thats right son," her stepfather said with a smile.

Cordelia narrowed her eyes at him, "You haven't mentioned that yet,"

"I only found out the other day," he stated, looking a little bashful at all of the attention.

"So, are you to be made eligible for this season?" Naomi questioned, realising what this all meant.

She had always been able to see the connection between the two young people and knew that this would be the best thing for both of the.

"We will see how quickly I am instated to a Commander," he said, keeping his eyes focused on the Commander, "It depends on that,"

"Well, thank you for coming and thank you again Guardian Chapin for rescuing our daughter," her stepfather said as he stood up, shaking Garths hand again.

"Under his eye," he said to the two women before leaving.

All Cordelia could think of was what would happen if he could be made eligible for this season, would she finally have her chance with him?

Taglist: @hadesnumber1daughter

Since the bus attack nearly a month ago, security had been everywhere which meant that it had become a lot harder for any of the Mayday operatives to discuss any plans. That also meant she hadn't spoken to Garth since then.

The conflicted feelings about her newfound feelings were still ruminating in her head and her heart. Maybe it was him saving her life, or maybe it was him declaring she was his best friend. But something had changed.

Whilst all of this chaos with Daisy was going on, Cordelia had bigger fish to fry. This was marriage season and that meant she had to suck up to the Aunts.

The tea party was today and that meant the girls were at the florists, picking out flowers. Her mother had told her which ones to get, what to do to make it perfect.

Naomi was always supposed to be the mother of a girl, she was so organised and helpful and was desperate to have her daughter make the best match possible.

Naomi also knew of her daughters involvement with Gilead, she knew that there was no changing her mind and that she was just like her father - a rebel.

The girls walked with their Martha's towards the school, all of the girls with their periods wearing green cloaks over their usual purple.

"Do you feel different? Being Green?" Hulda asked, almost hesitantly.

"Not really, it's more that you're treated differently," Cordelia explained.

Shunammite smiled, "My mother made me a gown, just in case,"

"You're not supposed to do that," Jehoshaba said, trailing behind the girls and listening to their conversation.

They all ignored her, continuing their walk underneath the bridge. It was so normal to see the bodies hanging from there, which made Daisy stop in nerves.

"Come on, it's okay," Cordelia said, a hand on her shoulder to try and reassure her.

It was always nerve-wracking to see the bodies up there, especially when they were Mayday. It made her wonder if one day she would end up there, hanging for her crimes against Gilead.

They walked back to Agnes' house and the building outside was full of security, all of the guardians making sure that it was safe. After last time, it had to be perfect.

They all looked around her house, noticing all of the gifts on the table from prospective Commanders. The better the gifts, the better the Commander.

"Commander Stevens," Penny read one of the notes, a smile on her face, "He's got you oranges. He is a catch,"

"Oranges are alright but didn't you get guavas and lychees when you were a green," Shunammite bragged, knowing that Penny was the most eligible of all of them.

"They were easier to get then," she said, deflecting off of herself, "So, who do you think will match and who's gonna crash and burn?"

"Beckas doing well, she got lamb chops," Hulda said, "And Cordelia got tenderloin steak,"

"Goodness, I bet Jehosheba's crazy jealous of you two," she said with a laugh, all of them looking over at the other girls by the table.

Becka leaned over, "Penny, have you felt the baby kicking yet?" She asked enthusiastically.

"No, its too early for that," Agnes whispered, almost scolding the girls. With so many sick babies being born, it was careful not to say too much.

"I can't wait. And Michael is even more excited than I am," Penny said.

Cordelia felt herself tense up slightly when she heard the door open, the Guardians coming to search the house. Garth was leading them, he had become one of the most prominent soldiers since everything had happened.

She looked over her shoulder, eyes staring longingly. Absence made the heart grow fonder and her heart was aching for her friend.

"Blessed be the fruit," he said when he saw all the girls standing there.

"Oh Guardian," Penny called out and Garth walked over, "I would like to have the card from Commander Stevens read please,"

Cordelia felt a sinking in her heart. Sometimes she forgot that the other girls couldn't read, that her father had taught her in secret. Sometimes she would catch her eyes scanning words and she would stop herself.

She had lost the skill slightly since he had died; it had been over 5 years now. But then she still had the basics, more than the others did.

Garth nodded, walking over and picking the card up, "Agnes, congratulations on reaching this milestone. God hath blessed you in every respect, I look forward to a dance at the ball,"

The girls all smiled at how kind the message was but they didn't have time to talk as Paula rushed over, telling them that the cars were pulling up.

Everyone started to leave but Daisy knocked a basket off so she would have time to talk to Garth about the plan.

"Clean that up immediately," Paula demanded, looking at the girl like she was scum of the earth. Cordelia bent down to help but was quickly stopped, "Not you girl, come on,"

She stood up, looking back at Daisy and Garth before beginning to walk out. He reached his hand out slightly, finger brushing against her arm before she left with Paula.

"A woman in the florist shop almost got me caught today, she was terrified," Daisy whispered, looking around to make sure nobody could hear, "Is something happening?"

"Lower your voice," he said, "Gilead's retaliating for what happened with the bus. Has Commander Haye's daughter said anything about trips, deliveries,"

"Commander?" Daisy asked, not knowing who that would be. He said it was Shunammite but she didn't care, too focused on the goal ahead, "Those people they hung were Mayday, I have to get the fuck out of here,"

"You knew that it was dangerous when you came in," he responded, looking around for people.

She scoffed, "I assumed you guys had an organised operation. Who do I talk to about getting out of here?"

"If you leave now, we may never have this chance again. We need you to do this, I don't know when you leave," he explained.

Daisy did not like that answer, standing up and putting the basket back on the table before she began to storm off, "Fuck you," she said, her voice a little bit too loud.

"If you find anything useful, they will see it as a return of investment, maybe then you can get out," he said, following her.

"And don't get hung while I do it?" She asked sarcastically, "Oh, and by the way, stop checking out Cordelia so obviously, you are going to get yourselves caught,"

"I don't-" he started to say before she slammed the door.

She rushed outside, seeing all of the girls standing next to their mothers, waiting for the arrival of the Aunts. All of the Aunts card were checked and monitored, they were allowed in.

This tea was important for them all, it wasn't just a tea but it was a way to show the Aunts that they could handle the pressure of running a Commanders household.

"Blessed day our most cherished guests, what an honour it is to welcome you all here today," Paula said, stepping forward and greeting Aunt Lydia.

Cordelia remembered meeting Aunt Lydia when she was younger, when she had dropped off the two Handmaids to her fathers house. She remembered very little of it all, but never forget the way she treated those women.

As they walked inside, she thought about how important all of these women were. Jehoshabas father invented the breeding colonies, Cordelia's father created the economic structure for Gilead. Their fathers were war criminals but Gilead heroes.

"Ladies," Paula called the attention of the room, "Aunt Lydia, will you please do us the honour of the prayer,"

She nodded, all of the women bowing their head, "Heavenly father, we offer bounty and abundance in thanks," she recited the prayer, "lets have some tea,"

All of the women looked around the kitchen, their Marthas prearing them the tea. Naomi fussed over Cordelia, just wanting what was best for her.

She noticed Jehoshaba talking to her Martha, complaining that the tea was the wrong colour before she slammed it out of her hands before she began to cry.

Cordelia shot her an ugly look. There were many things she did for the sake of Gilead, she yelled as men had their arms cut off, she ignored the bodies above her, she pretended she didn't notice the violence but she never accepted the mistreatment of a Martha.

But still, she had to control her face because now was the time for them to all go in and prove they would do this role right.

First the Plums went through, and then the Greens. Cordelia took a deep breath, holding the teapot steady in her hands - it was her mother's, her birth mother's, and hoped it would bring some luck.

They all walked one by one to to their tables where an Aunt was sitting with their mothers. They judged the way that they poured the tea before putting in sugar and milk.

It was mundane, Cordelia carried classified documents to Guardians and helped smuggle Handmaids across the border but all these women cared about was how to make a good tea.

She watched as Naomi took a sip of the tea, a smile on her face as she nodded approvingly.

The next step was to take their teapot and one by one to go to the head table and thank Aunt Lydia. Cordelia's went by easily as one of the first but it was followed up by Myriams disaster as she tripped, spilling some tea.

She began to panic, giving a nervous curtsey to Aunt Lydia before immediately rushing off. She was shaking as she stood next to Agnes and Cordelia couldn't help but feel sorry for her.

As they walked back into the kitchen, she broke down, her breathing shaky, "I can't believe I did that,"

Cordelia walked over, a hand on the girls shoulder, "The Lord waits to be gracious to us, you'll be okay Myriam,"

"Pray, I won't be married off to a man from the Colonies," she said, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Whatever happens is in God's plan for you," Shunammite said but they all knew that she had failed the test and would be married off to someone awful.

After she calmed down a little bit, the girls all began to separate into their small groups of friends.

"How do you think you did?" Hulda asked the three eligible girls.

"Well I'm sure you looked better than Myriam," Shunammite said, her face in a grimace as she thought back to the fail from earlier.

Becka turned to her, brows furrowed, "That wasn't her fault," she whispered.

"Girls, back into the parlour," one of Agnes' Martha's said as she walked past.

They walked back into the parlour, her eyes brushing over Garth as he stood in the hallway. They sat down for the Commanders cake.

It was a silly idea, a large sheet cake cut into slices with a bride in one of them. Whichever girl recieved the small porcelain figure was the first to marry.

"Ladies, it is honourable how you have all comforted yourselves today," Aunt Vidala said, walking between the tables, "You have done your mother's proud, and you have done us proud,"

Cordelia looked at Naomi, a smile on her face. She knew how proud she was of her every day, that didn't rely on one tea.

"Now it's time for a Gilead tradition, the Commander's Cake, shall we find out who is lucky?" She said before all of the girls began to take bites of their cake.

Everyone looked over at the sound of the crunch where Agnes had bit down on the bride. She pulled it out along with one of her teeth which had chipped at the bite.

"Is it bad?" Jehoshaba asked, looking over in horror.

Paula grabbed onto Agnes' face, pinching her cheeks together and looking into her mouth, "Of course it is bad,"

Beckas mother leaned over, "It's okay, I shall call my husband and get you sent over there straight away," she promised.

The room fell silent after that, the excitement about the Commandera Cake dimming after the incident. Cordelia couldn't help but wonder if this was a bad omen.

A few days later, Cordelia was still thinking about that moment where Garth had brushed her hair back, the little smile on his face.

"Delia," a voice called out and she looked to the right quickly, seeing Becka standing there, "You coming?"

She was so lost in her daydreams that she had almost forgotten that they were going to see Penny, Mrs Judd now, and see how she ran her household.

"Yeah, sorry," she said, following after the other girls quickly.

"You okay? You seem to have had your head in the cloud the last few days," Becka asked, noticing how since Agnes' initiation, there had been something off.

She nodded, walking towards the bus, "Just wedding planning,"

Becka rolled her eyes, "I wish it would end,"

Cordelia froze when she saw him standing there, her heart pounding in her chest. She had never felt like this around him, he had always been like her best friend but now it seemed something had changed.

She bowed her head slightly in respect as she stepped onto the bus, trying to hide the blush on her cheeks.

When she got on the bus, she decided to sit next to Daisy. After she had found out that Daisy was the girl that Mayday had sent in, she knew that she was going to be special and she needed to make that connection with her.

"So, Toronto, whats that like?" She asked.

She shrugged, "The weather can be nice, but it is just a city full of sin and depravity," she said, keeping up that perfect Pearl Girl facade.

Cordelia nodded, "Whats it like in June?"

Her head tilted in confusion as she looked at the girl, "Excuse me?"

"It's my favourite month," there was a moment of hesitation, "I have friends in low places,"

At the sound of the sentence, Daisys eyes went wide as she realised that this was the girl on the inside, the Commanders daughter who was working for Mayday.

"You?" She questioned, almost in shock.

She couldn't hide the smile on her face as she nodded her head, "Yes," she confirmed, "I am very excited to visit Mrs Judd, she was a great friend of ours last year,"

The change of subject was necessary because if any of the other girls figured it out that something weird was going on then they might go digging.

After that there was silence between them but Daisy kept looking at the girl. Then she looked at Garth and noticed he kept watching Cordelia, his fingers tugging at a small piece of thread, almost like a bracelet, under his jacket sleeve.

"Chapin, something ahead," the bus driver called and Cordelia's head whipped up and she watched as Garth walked towards the front of the bus.

"Whats going on?" Daisy asked.

She just watched closely, brows furrowed as she tried to see in front of her, "I don't know,"

Garth ran to the back of the bus and all of the girls started to panic, whispering amongst themselves and questioning what was going on.

"They're armed, shooters," he said, his hand brushing against her shoulder as he walked past, back to the front of the bus.

Her heart pounded in her chest as she realised that they were under attack. She looked up, making eye contact with Garth and instead of getting reassurance, she noticed the same panicked look in his eyes.

A car swerved in front of them and they were all lunged forward, some girls falling into the aisles, others into their friends and Cordelia face first into the seat in front of her.

"Cordelia!" Agnes yelled out as she watched her friend slump over, a small cut on her forehead which was beginning to seep with blood.

Agnes noticed the way that Garths head spun around at the sound of her name, his eyes searching for her. Then he turned back, realising he had bigger things to deal with.

"We're under attack, we need backup," he called into his comms, his eyes still darting into the back, "Is everyone okay?"

"Our friend has hit her head, badly," Hulda yelled out as she noticed Cordelia in Daisys lap, her head gushing with blood.

The bus was still maneuvering out of there so there was little time to check on her - they had to get out of this attack zone.

Everyone ducked down into the middle as gunshots started to ricochet against the bus. Cordelia was pulled to the floor by Daisy, the girl starting to regain consciousness.

"Garth," she whispered, hand reaching out towards the door. Daisy pulled her back, luckily having been the only one to hear her. It made her wonder what was going on between the two Mayday operatives.

The guardians started to pull the girls and the Aunts off the bus, "get off the bus now,"

"Cordelia can't get up, shes in and out of consciousness," Daisy yelled out.

There was a moment of conflict in his eyes as he had to make the decision of saving the rest of the girls then grabbing Cordelia, or grabbing her first. He had to stick to his role, helping everyone off before seeing Becka and Daisy still in the back.

He ran on, looking at the girl as her eyes fluttered shut again, "Go on girls, I've got her,"

He picked her up, carrying her off of the bus bridal style. Nobody noticed the slight shake in his hands as he looked down at the girl, knowing that she might not be alright.

Garth rushed towards the shop, placing her down on a futon before running back out. He shot Daisy a look, almost telling her to look after her, before he ran back into action.

The girls crowded around her, their focus on the injured girl. Aunt Vidala crawled over, her fingers going to her neck, "She probably just has a concussion, she'll be okay,"

When Cordelia finally came to, she was still feeling very groggy but was sitting up thanks to the help of her friends, "What happened?"

"You hit your head when the bus swerved," Becka explained, "You're lucky Guardian Chapin helped you off,"

She looked at Daisy, her head still spinning but she knew that he had come to her aide, "Well Praise be, and thank you all for looking after me,"

Many other girls were injured, Aunt Vidalas arm was broken, another girl had cut her shoulder open on the glass.

A doctor came in a few minutes later, the car pulling up after all of the operatives had been killed. He checked on everyone, bandaging up Vidala's arm and confirming Cordelia only had a concussion and that the wound would heal fine.

"Do they know who did it?" Daisy asked.

Shunammite rolled her eyes like it was obvious, "Mayday, of course,"

"They're the terrible people we're enemies with," Becka explained, "They hate us,"

Cordelia felt a sharp pain in her chest, because Mayday didn't hate the girls, the goal was to rescue them and save them from this world that they were all trapped in.

When the bus arrived back at the Aunt Lydia School, Cordelia was greeted by her stepmother storming over towards the bus.

Naomi was her stepmother but she had taken her in when her father died even when she didn't have to. She was like a second mother to her, she was family.

"Cordelia Violet Lawrence!" The voice screeched out loudly and Cordelia flinched

"Oh no, it's my mother," she buried her head by her knees, trying to hide from her but she knew that she wouldn't het far.

She stepped off of the bus, a fake smile on her face as her mother rushed over, pulling her in for a hug.

"Are you alright?" She asked, hands on her shoulders as she checked her over. She stared at the wound in her head, a sad look on her face.

"I am mother, don't worry," she hid away from her mothers overbearing actions, looking around at all the unwanted attention she was getting from the other girls.

"I am worried, worried sick, so was Commander Graham," Naomi said.

"It's just a concussion, I will have to have some time off of school but that's all," she explained.

She nodded, "Well, what about this cut, we can't have your face scarred,"

"They said it would heal, don't worry," Cordelia walked to the car with her, her head spinning at the thought of the ordeal of today.

One week later, they were going back to Penny's house. This bus journey went a lot smoother but Cordelia couldn't help the fear that was in her chest at the thought of being attacked again.

When they stood outside of her house, listening to the helicopters circling around above them, it reminded her of what she was fighting for.

Her hand reached up, brushing softly against the cut on her forehead that was going away slowly. But it was a reminder of what had happened.

When she looked up and spotted Garth at the door, she couldn't help but shoot him a small smile. Despite protocol, he smiled back, a bit too toothy and a bit too enthusiastically.

Agnes watched the entire interaction and she knew something was wrong. She nudged her friend in the shoulder, shooting her a look that told her that what she was doing was wrong.

"Girls, attention please," Aunt Vidala said as she looked at the two girls in the front, "Remember, we are Mrs Judd's guests,"

Aunt Vidala knocked on the door with her good hand; her other hand was still strapped to her chest after she broke it in the accident, which had made her a lot grumpier than usual.

The door was opened by a Martha and they were greeted by a smiling Penny at the door. They all hugged her, showing her their gifts.

Cordelia remembered Penny was one of her first friends when she moved to Colarado, 6 months older than her and she had always seemed so poised. Now here she was, the first to be married.

"I can't believe what you've all been through," she said, the door closing behind them, "These gifts, they're all too much. Thank you,"

The house was beautiful, a ginormous house built for only one of the highest ranked commanders in all of Gilead. She was lucky to have married him.

"Can I show you around?" Penny asked with an excited look in her eyes, "I love the way the house came together, let me show you it all,"

They walked around the house, the giant kitchen, the beautiful spiral staircase, his wine cellar. She showed them the room where the nursery would be, pausing for a moment.

"I've been feeling ill the past few morning, it's in God's hands but I pray its a sign," she said.

There were gasps from the girls and as they walked out of the room, Cordelia wondered what it would be like one day when she was in this position.

They sat down for lunch after the tour, all holding hands as they said a prayer, "You're house is beautiful Penny," Agnes said.

"I imagine it's a lot to handle, being a new wife," Becka said, an almost scared look on her face.

"Some days," she admitted, "But God only send us what we can bear,"

"Well I could bear this," Shunammite said, the rest of the girls laughing in response.

Footsteps echoed through the hallway and all of the girls turned to see Commander Judd, one of the slightly younger and more attractive commanders, walk through.

"Don't mind me, I'm just passing through," he said as he stopped at the head of the table. He walked around, kissing his wife before standing up, "Welcome to our home,"

"Thank you for having us, Commander, sir," Shunammite said.

"You all showed the world some Gilead grit last week, during the attack," he said.

Cordelia felt herself reaching up for the wound on her forehead. It was healing but still hurt sometimes, causing her to get headaches. There was no grit that day, just girls being attacked.

"I just hope you know that they're just jealous. Because we have clean water, fresh air and fruitful young women and they have pollution and hate. We love and take in God's children," he circled the table until he got to Daisy.

There was something weird about this interaction and Cordelia watched closely as he stopped at the head of the table again, looking at the Pearl Girl.

"I dont want to put you on the spot, but I was just wondering why you chose to come to Gilead," he questioned.

"To serve God's will," she said, eyes narrowed, "And there was nothing left for me,"

He was silent for a moment before smiling, "You have a new home now. Praise be," he said before walking out of the room.

As the evening came to a close, Aunt Vidala noticed that Cordelia kept touching her forehead, "Are you alright?"

"Just a little light headed still, do you mind if I go get some air?" She asked, feigning innocence.

The Aunt nodded just as Daisy rushed over, "I will accompany her,"

They stepped outside, the door closing behind them and Daisy looked at the other girl, "You know Garth?" She asked.

"Very well, so let's be careful," Cordelia said as they walked over to him.

"Was that us?" Daisy asked as she did the opposite of what she just said, storming over towards him, "was that Mayday?"

"Thats what Gilead's saying," he explained.

"You're not going to hurt those girls," Daisy questioned.

"The girls were never supposed to get hurt," Garth said, stepping towards his friend, "Are you okay Delia?"

"I'm fine, really, just a little lightheaded sometimes," she said, trying not to let the blush on her cheeks become obvious to Daisy, "That was sloppy Garth, you know that. Its never been that bad,"

Then the other girls came out, Daisy and Cordelia taking a step away from him, pretending that they were getting on the bus.

Daisy shot her a look, confused as to why this was going so poorly, why they were running such a bad operation here.

"I want to see June," she whispered.

Cordelia tensed up at the sound of her name, of her heroes name, "I can't do that," she said, "Just don't let the bastards grind you down,"

The next day at school, Cordelia was in the music room, practicing the harp when she heard the bell ring. She looked at Becka and the two of them knew what that meant.

Aunt Estee commanded everyone to come outside and the girls all rushed out. Cordelia couldn't help but smile, knowing there were more people in the season now.

They rushed onto the lawn, waiting by the stands when they saw Agnes approach and walk along the pathway. People called out their cheers and the four girls just smiles for their friend.

Agnes had a massive smile on her face as she knelt in front of Aunt Vidala, reciting the pledge to her, "By his hand, he will make me fruitful,"

Aunt Vidala pinned the green pin against her jacket pocket, a smile on her face. They all clapped, Shunammite excited that this was happening.

They ate lunch like normal, but Hulda kept asking creepy questions, way too invested in their friends period. Becka and Cordelia shared a confused look but ignored it.

"Green means more work, and dancing in public and Agnes hates dancing in public," Shunammite said.

"Shut up Shu," Becka spat out, clearly irritated by something. She pushed food around on her plate, not in a very good mood.

Agnes just smiled, "I'm sure you'll be next Shu," she promised, "Beck, I can ask Paula to come to your house to say, tell her its about Green stuff,"

Before she could respond, Aunt Estee called the table to stand up and go help a Pearl Girl who needed corrections.

There was an unnerving feeling in her stomach as she walked into the Aunts Wing. When she stepped into the room, she saw the Pearl Girl, Daisy, who had sat with them the day before. She was sitting in a chair in the centre of the room.

She took a deep breath, knowing what was going to happen, "What did she do?" Cordelia asked quietly.

"I don't know," Agnes muttered in shock.

They sat down on the seats. They were supposed to sit up straight, look at the floor, act meak, but Cordelia couldn't take her eyes off of the frightened girl with a mask around her mouth.

"This young woman made a confession this morning, she has admitted to using the Lords name in vain," Aunt Vidala said.

She walked around the circle for a moment before stopping at Agnes, crouching down so that she was next to the shaking girl.

"Aunt Lydia trusted you to guide this girl as if she was your own child,"

Agnes' voice was shaky, "I'm sorry Aunt Vidala,"

She stood up and walked around the circle, "You have been blessed with womanhood today, is that a challenge you are ready for?" She asked and the girl nodded enthusiastically, "Then show me, teach the lamb. What must she do?"

Agnes walked towards Daisy so she was staring the girl in the face, watching the tears welling up in her eyes, "She must pay for her sins Aunt Vidala,"

The girls, who sat in a circle around her, pointed their fingers at Daisy, chanting, "Pay for her sins! Pay for her sins!"

"Tell her what she is Agnes," Vidala said as she walked around the circle, stalking the girls like they were her prey, "Dirty words come from what?"

"A dirty girl," the words seemed hesitant coming out of her mouth but it was what she had to say.

Daisy whimpered as the mask was taken from her mouth and she looked around the room, listening to them chanting and yelling at her.

"You come from the streets of Sodom, you are a child of sinners and whores," Aunt Vidala said.

Daisy whipped her head around, the tears brimming in her eyes as she pointed at Agnes, "She was there and she heard my blasphemy. I swear to God,"

There was silence in the room. Cordelia looked at her friend, a sinking in her stomach as she realised what would happen to her as well. All of the girls seemed hesitant.

Vidala pulled Agnes up, taking her and Daisy into another room and they were just sent back to what they were used to. Back to their classes and their teachings as if nothing happened.

When Cordelia saw the lights flashing in a specific sequence, she knew that was the call to find Garth and talk to him about Mayday.

She rushed out of the bathroom whilst everyone else was talking and stepped outside of the building, hidden slightlt behind a bush. She knew it was a safe spot because they had been meeting here ever since she moved to the school 4 years ago.

"Blessed Day, Guardian Chapin," she said, looking around just in case anyone was there.

"Blessed Day, Miss Lawrence," he responded.

Cordelia looked over her shoulder before turning back to him, "So, you gonna finally tell me why I have to sneak around like this?"

"You like sneaking around," he teased.

She rolled her eyes, "I was hoping you would tell me who this new informant was," she said, having been waiting to hear about it for the last few days.

"I know, but first," he said, reaching into his jacket.

He pulled a Polaroid picture out of his pocket that had been smuggled into the country. He handed it to her and she smiled at the update.

It was a picture of her little sister Charlotte who had grown so much and her real mother Janine. She had grown up with the little girl for only two years when Naomi married her father but she had become so attached to the girl.

She brushes her thumb over her face, tears welling up in her eyes "My baby girl," she muttered to herself before looking up at him, "Thank you Garth, my mother is going to love this,"

"For you Delia, anything," he said, thumb swiping the one tear that had fallen from her tears away.

His hand stayed there for a moment and he moved his hand to brush a loose strand of hair behind her ears. This was not allowed in Gilead, the kind of touch he was giving her.

Cordelia stared at him, her eyes wide as she realised what he was doing. He pulled his hand away from her face, not understanding why he had just done that - men would get their arms cut off for less.

"So, who is the informant?" Cordelia asked, licking her lips nervously as she tried to change the subject.

"Oh," Garth said, forgetting that was why they had met up. There was a soft blush that had spread on his cheeks after his actions, "Its Daisy,"

"The Pearl Girl?" Her eyes went wide as she realised that the girl they had just punished was their informant, "She just got sent to corrections today,"

"I know, and thats why I'm telling you now. You need to keep her in line," he explained, rolling his eyes at this girls incompetence. He was her handler and that meant he was responsible for her.

"Okay, but how will she know its me?" She asked.

"You tell her that you have friends in low places," he explained what the code word was and Cordelia laughed before she covered her face to stop herself.

"What a silly phrase," she muttered.

"Just say it, okay," he said, brows raised as if he were trying to parent her. All he wanted was her to he okay, "And keep yourself safe Delia,"

Her breath hitched at the way he said her name, the way he always called her that nickname that her mother used to call her when she was a little girl, before Gilead made her sick.

"Why'd you call me that?" She asked, brows furrowed. Nicknames were not normal in Gilead but he always called her that. 

He looked at her confused, "What?" He had always called her Delia, since they were about eight years old in her dad's library.

"You call me that like I'm your friend," there was an insecurity in her chest as she wondered whether he was just her friend because of Mayday if it were a genuine friendship.

"You are my friend," he said, an almost sad smile on his face.

She shook her head, "Guardians and Plums are not supposed to be friends,"

It was hard sometimes to be part of Mayday but also have to be a part of Gilead society where the two things are so different. It was difficult sometimes to live a double life.

"I've been your friend since Gilead began, since my dad and your dad would go to meetings together and my mother would let us have playdates," he said.

Cordelia smiled, a small blush coming to her cheeks as she thought about their friendship over the years and how he was a genuine friend.

He looked at her, an emotion in his eyes that she had never seen before, "You're probably my only real friend,"

"Garth," she muttered, heart pounding in her chest.

"Im serious, you are the only one who knows every side of me," Garth said, taking a shaky breath before looking around.

"You're probably my best friend too," she admitted, her voice quiet as if she was nervous saying it out loud.

There was a sound outside and they knew that they didn't have much time before they were seen and caught.

He looked around, almost nervous, "You should go, I'll see you around Delia," There was an inflection on the nickname, almost as if he were emphasising it so she knew he was telling the truth.

Cordelia ran back to her class, her heart pounding in her chest as she thought about what he had just said and what had just happened. This had changed everything

Cordelia stood at the steps with the other plums, shoulders back, head held high. She was too self-assured, at least that was what her mother always told her.

Her mother was a stoic woman, always with a sad look on her face when she mentioned her other daughter who had been taken away to Canada. Cordelia had chosen to stay five years ago, a promise she had made to her father.

As she looked up, she caught sight of the bodies hanging from the ropes in front of the building. A crow cawwed as it started to peck at one of the men's heads.

"Gross," Hulda muttered, her brows furrowed.

"Hulda, enough!" Aunt Vidala turned around and chastised the girl, "God's justice is beautiful. Friends, these men, do you know what crime they committed,"

Shunammite held her hand up and stepped forward when Aunt Vidala called her name, "Rape, the red cross is for rape,"

"Praise be," she said, pointing up at the men, "These horrible men, it's a ghastly story. They stole a young girl just like yourselves, one who liked being the centre of attention, a spirited girl. She often earns a violent end for herself. Praise be His judgement,"

The girls echoes the response, muttering a Praise be. Cordelia looked at the men, wondering what that poor girl actually did to deserve this.

"These men saw this girl and were overcome by their urges. They came in the night and took her from her own bed. The urges of men must be curbed and that is the burden that God has personally laid upon each of you," Vidala explained.

It was a horrible idea that just by existing, the girls were dangerous to good men. Cordelias father always reminded her that there were very few good men.

When they got back on the bus, the men checked the vehicle to make sure it was all safe before opening the gates to the school.

The Aunt Lydia School was a grand building, with pink little girls running about and plum girls following.

She spotted Becka in the distance, talking to Agnes. Both Cordelia and Becka were greens which meant that they had been blessed with getting their period, a term that Cordelia's stepmother always laughed at, questioning why they called years of suffering a blessing.

Becka had hers for weeks whereas Cordelia was new to being a green, not having had any fittings for the balls or even discussions of which commander she could marry.

It had been four years since the war in Massachusets which Cordelia and her stepmother had fled from and since then, the purges had happened. Aunt Lydia was hailed a hero but Cordelia would never forget her.

Aunt Lydia knew who she was, who her father was and what he did but when her stepmother remarried a very rich man, she had promised to keep it hidden from the other girls, in order to keep her little sister safe.

As they walked into the room, they strolled past the Pearl Girls who chanted and recited the word of the Bible. They were girls who had fled their countries to join Gilead.

The issue with Pearl Girls is they were not to be trusted, everyone knew someone who had been ratted out by a Pearl Girl.

The first class of the day was loom work, then needlepoint which was Cordelias favourite if she had to be honest.

But her favourite thing was to read. Her father had taught her to read when she was little, always telling her these stories such as Paradise Lost and Dickens.

She wasn't allowed to read anymore, her days spent sewing and learning to cook and to run a household.

When lunch came, they recieved the news that Agnes was to be placed with a Pearl Girl who would be shadowing her. There was a nervous energy over the table, none of them trusting her.

The table was silent until Shunammite spoke up, "What is all of this then?"

"This is Daisy, Aunt Lydia asked me to make her feel welcome," she explained but there was still silence at the table.

"Daisy, pray, where do you hail from?" Shunammite asked.

"Toronto, Canada,"

Cordelia tilted her head to the side, wondering if this is who she had been tols about, "I imagine Canada's very different from Gilead,"

"Toronto has been defiled by Satan, it is suffocating in sin," Daisy said, almost spiting the words out, "I pray it will be swallowed whole by the Earth,"

"May He hear your prayer," Hulda said hesitantly, "Let me get you an ice cream,"

As Hulda and Daisy walked away, it left Shunammite to finally share her upset about everything that was going on, "They stuck you with a Pearl Girl, what did you do wrong?"

"She didn't do anything," Becka immediately defended her.

"She said shes new here, and I'm supposed to look after her," She explained, "I don't know why,"

"Cordelia, your Martha is here to collect you for a dress fitting," Aunt Estee called out.

There was silence for a moment as she realised that this was really true, she was to be getting married, "This is all happening so fast,"

"I wish we were all Greens," Shunammite said, "I cannot wait to have a husband,"

When Cordelias name was called again, she left the room, following Aunt Estee. She caught sight of one of the guardians standing at the car and her heart skipped a beat at the sight of him.

She saw her Martha, Jolene, and her Guardian and walked towards the car. As she got in, she turned her head around and looked at the man one more time before stepping into the car.

The next day, Cordelia arrives just as the bell rang and all of the girls headed off towards the assembly room. There was something big happening.

They hung their coats up before heading inside, putting their headbands on. They stood at the top of the dining hall, observing the scene in front of them and thats when she saw the table.

"We have some difficult work to do today, for Him," Aunt Estee said, plugging the machine in. She ushered people in and two men walked in, dragging one of the guardians forward, "This man was found touching himself, abusing himself, on school grounds,"

The woman was tearing up as she watched the man get strapped onto the machine, a gag in his mouth and his arm tied to the table.

"Gilead trusted him to protect you, instead, he chose wickedness," she explained.

"What are they going to do with him?" Daisy turned towards Cordelia, confused at what was goung on.

There were murmurs coming from the group, all of the Plums curious as to why they were to be involved.

"You are not blameless girl, shame on any of you who tempt a man. You will have to make many difficult decisions as wives, so what do you say girls? Should this man go unpunished or should he pay?"

The man began to beg for his freedom, pleading with the girls above him to set him free but then they started screaming.

Cordelia screamed out to punish him, that a man like that should suffer. It was almost like a sport as they watched the saw come out of the machine.

"I am so proud of the women you are becoming!" Aunt Estee announced.

The table saw whirred as it headed towards him, cutting off his hand as he looked up at the girls.

Daisy looked sick as she heard the bones crunching. She ran off, Agnes chasing after her and there was a moment where Cordelia wondered what she had become, what she had become by cheering on this man's injury.

There was always something strange about watching one of these, watching one of the Guardians be punished for sin.

Sometimes, Cordelia got too involved with it, yelling and screaming until her voice was raw and other days she felt a strange guilt in the pit of her stomach.