- Batfamily ร Neglected Reader!
- Your Big stupid Heart Will Bleed Till Death.
SYPNOSIS: Being the oldest of the family you only wanted to protect them from the world, even when they turn against you, your stupid big heart will bleed forever for your family till the end of time.
- I know I quit writing but I wish to finsih my draft atleast. Not proof read either.
Warning: DO NOT READ IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE HEAVY TOPIC( example: suicide, phobia, shaming, etc).
" I'll protect you forever! Your big sibling Will never let harm catch you, I can do kungfu! "
Twenty two years ago, Bruce Wayne took you in.
You were starving on the street, clinging to life. Before you could close your eyes you felt the chilling warmth of a man. Batman.
Years later you became the first robin, it was great, brutal even.
Bruce wasn't a good father, he was a good mentor but he wasn't prepared to be a father.
He took you in as his prodigy or a pity child. You couldn't careless. You owed him, he saved you from the slum, you're indebted to him.
For you his gaze were cold, words were lifeless and your moments together felt like a rope tied to you two, doesn't feel mutual, felt forceful.
You tried your best to be his favourite, the best sidekick, the best child, best prodigy. Alfred could see your determination, never thinning always glowing.
" You're a special kid, Young master... You have a big heart, it's rare and I admire it. Don't let the world crush it "
He would advise, he knew that Bruce was too cruel especially to a kid like you, he tried to talk sense into Bruce but... He understand why Bruce wasn't ready.
Alfred only wanted the best for the both of you, but for that to be true... One of you will have to suffer, he doesn't want that.
He tried his best for you, but, you can't force someone someone to be a dad.
Being a dad isn't just responsibility of another person who needs to be guided... To be a dad is to be present in someone's life no matter the age, everyone wants to have a dad.
"Master Bruce, the kid needs you..."
He would call out, Bruce was busy with crimes in Gotham no time for your tantrums or problems... Alfred was the guide, Bruce was the decipline, atleast that's what he thought.
Just another illusion to feel like he was apart of your life... Even if it meant not much, Bruce just needs to feel like he's apart of your life to get the guilt going.
"Im sorry Alfred, im busy. Something is seriously wrong with the new company, I need to investigate. They're a big kid now, they can handle themselves... I believe that"
Alfred frowned upon his words. To some that sounds like believe in the kid, but Alfred knew better... Bruce only believe that you can help yourself, not because he thinks you're strong or believe you just because he needs a reason to not feel guilt.
"They're only twelve, they need their father... It's been hours, they're crying nonstop, Master Bruce, I never want to force you but you need to be the father in their life atleast once"
Bruce could only rub his temple in annoyance, he could never argue with Alfred over the truth.
Deep down Bruce knew that he was in the wrong, to act so brutal towards his child... He wanted to be there but he just Cant.
Something about you was just so repulsive.
He knew, he knew that he fucked up. He also knew that neglecting you isn't going to end well... He also knew that he doesn't want to be your father.
It's not like you ask him to be one...
Bruce said, was it the stress talking? or was it the truth taking over him.
Unfortunately, you overheard his comment.
Standing outside his office, your smile drop.
You can feel your organs flushing down the endless pit inside you... Suddenly the world went quite for you, only his words repeating itself in your head.
Initially you just wanted to be with your father, a hangout... You got more than a hangout in the end.
The feeling of not being wanted sting, it hurt, so bad. It's not even your fault but why does it feel like it's your fault that he doesn't want you.
What's so bad about being... your father? Why was it so disgusting for him? Is it because you were simply disgusting, trash or just because you're you that he didn't want you.
You felt stupid, utterly stupid. The man you look up to, shining light on him and all... Your supposed father, never wanted you? How did you never knew...
Still, did he not want you because you're you? Or would he treat any child the same.
You Didn't need to cry yourself to sleep over that though for too long, because he came along- Richard Dick Grayson came.
He was so innocent, a victim to witnessing his parents die. God, you should have knew... The way Bruce smile while watching him roam the house... It felt strange.
For the first time in your life, you saw Bruce feeling the need to be a proper father. Of course not towards you, but towards that hopeless boy... Never you.
Yet you tried so hard- so hard to sew the family together...
" Im so happy to meet you, you can call me your big sibling...! "
You enthusiastically shake his hand. He was real fun, always smiling, playing together and even sharing secrets.
You truly love him, in a sense a biological siblings would love eachother.
Until he robbed you of your mantle as Robin.
That night, you couldn't help it.
The Robin title was your everything, the only thing that made you feel close to Bruce... Yes, you were still foolishly chasing for his approval and love but who could blame you?
And taking your identity as Robin was just not about being a vigilante or Bruce... It was your only source of attention from others... Your only way to shine, to be seen and loved and...
Surely Bruce would hesitate, he would surely remember of the day when you first held the mantle in your hands, you almost cries.
For once in your life, you were handed something out of being cared for not because of obligation or so you thought...
But , Bruce gave him the mantle, replaced you. Without a single fucking thought...
He replaced you so easily, you felt so insignificant, as if your role was just a prototype before the real deal was finished.
Your relationship with Dick slowly drifted in the end. Bruce and him were the duo of Gotham... What about you?
You could only watch from the shadow as he took the spotlight. It hurt, alot.
Watching the person you want as your dad in the spotlight with... someone who isn't you, hurt.
You wanted to be happy but, you couldn't help but cry in secret. If he could be a father for him why can't he be one for you? What's wrong with you that he doesn't want you? What do you need to do to be loved by your father...?
Grayson couldn't spare his time with you much, he was boy wonder, while you... you were nothing but a replacement bird. How sad. How fucking sad your life is.
Then you left home, for collage... What could you have done anyway. Whine? Cry? As if they'll care.
Bruce never called, Dick called rarely, Alfred was your Anchor for everything.
If not for Alfred you would have cuss out Bruce for years of tears and energy you spent for his approval.
Then while you were gone Jason came along after Dick became Nightwing.
You hated your life so much, but you did came home frequently. As much as your relationship with your family was thinning out, you still love them... In your big heart.
" Jason right? Im happy to have you as part of the family... "
Jason was your favourite, you tried your best with Dick but he was in deep sorrow... thinking that Bruce replaced him.
You knew the feeling... But, deep inside you just really wanted to hug him. Tell him that it's alright, you will always be proud of him... Even if he stole your only connection to Bruce...
Jason was the best, he was somewhat mischievous but it was fun, you two get along despite the age gap.
He was like you, from the slum.. In need of help, but unlike you... Bruce was a great father to him.
Watching them together as they smile hurt so much, you shouldn't be jealous of a kid for... spending time with their dad but... Holy, it fucking hurt.
Wiping your tears with your hand you couldn't help but smile.
" Atleast you have something I wanted... "
Jason was a good kid, he deserves a father... You wish you were good enough to his kid too, but it's already too late.
But, one day while you were away from Gotham Alfred called.
Jason died... under Bruce eyes...
That day, was the worst day of your life.
You didn't stop arguing with Bruce the whole time, you couldn't forgive him, how could he be so careless and let him die...
Bruce was brutal as well... Too damn Brutal, the death of Jason definitely help him be more truthful.
" I knew a child like you only cause nothing but problems, I shouldn't have taken you at all... Nothing but burden from the start "
The moment his words landed on you, you could feel the world stopping, yeah you knew but why does it hurt so bad...
It was as if years of wounds opened again after you assumed they heal.
" Master Bruce! Mind yourself, you're speaking out of anger towards your own chil- "
"Enough Bruce, they are no child of mine... I did nothing as a father for them... They do not deserve to be *my* child"
Your voice came out, a whisper... As if you were bathing yourself in his word.
The world turned dark, or blurry? you felt cold yet from the tip to your toe you felt the heat radiating...
Throat drying out and your organs were squirming around in your stomach, you were hyper observant of your own body, how your fingers were trembling slightly or how you couldn't stop you muscle from tensing up.
You wanted to speak but you couldn't, it hurt so bad.. So bad, so bad, so bad, so bad...
If he didn't want you why must he do this, to be in your life yet to not be there. How? how does he do it?
Evryone thinks he's so mighty yet he won't accept YOU, what did you ever do to him, you only wanted his love, is it so wrong for a child to need love?
He only acted responsible but he was never caring. Acted out of obligation.
You wanted to claw his throat out, grab his neck and scream and yell, shouting out why he wouldn't love you...
But only you could imagine, in truth you were stuck, frozen, tears rolling down before you could blink...
You press your lips thin together, swallowing your own saliva becomes difficult now... You gave never felt so seen in the worst way possible.
"Young master... Master Bruce is merely stressed and the death or master Jason is making him say something he will regret"
Alfred as usual tried to comfort or ease the tension rising.
"Master Bruce, I do not wish to be in such position ever to correct you but your grief of Master Jason's death give you no privilege to act so barbaric, to curse the child you took under you when they never ask of you... I hope you know that cursing then will only hurt you later"
A lengthy of words, but you couldn't even hear them over Bruce voice...
"I'll be leaving... I assume that you'll be much happier that way..."
Without hesitation you left... You didn't want to hear their words... You just couldn't.
Bruce words of 'not wanting you' , 'burden' , 'problem child' they all were overlapping inside your head... As if a crowd of people were yellow that at you.
" So what happened next? You mean to say father incompetence ruin his relationship with his first responsibility, I cannot believe that I could ever be ashame of father's action but I currently am"
It was christmas, lively, cold and everything nice... And a bunch of kids(one kid, one teen and two adult but all together... kids) were sitting in the cozy big room.
Unfortunately the topic of the first Robin came up.
Dick hesitantly told them the tale of, afterall only Tim and Damian knew nothing of you.
"I never counted B to he the type to act so... cold, towards a child".
Tim added, it's hard to imagine the hero of Gotham and their Bruce to he so... Cruel.
Jason sigh, looking bored as usual... Afterall he wasn't there at his own agreement rather pressured by Alfred.
"Why do you two even care about such old time story?".
"Well unlike you, I certainly care about the past... No wonder you did terribly at History back than"
Damian insulted him, Jason was not that even mad, hell he could barely care about the dog barking.
"Eitherway, what happened? Yknow, after Jason's death... I did know about them but ever since I took the mantle I never saw them once..."
Tim was quite- no very interested in this whole story.
Afterall, five years ago he did try to find you and your information but nothing... As if Bruce himself wipe you.
But in the end Bruce found out about the truth, warned Tim and unfortunately the idea somehow slip out of his mind.
"They're fine, happy... with a family... They cut tie with us but im pretty sure that is the best option for them"
Dick said, he was sad of the outcome but it was the best one.
Damian asked. It's such a flat answer, it's hard to believe that after all that story it's just yay happy ending.
"Belive it or not, that's the truth"
Jason added. Tim and Damian were still abit skeptical but these two are the only source of information, so no choice but to unwillingly agree.
After dinner Jason was smoking outside the maynor, it was comforting and quite stress free moment until he heard Dicks footstep.
"There you are, let's go"
Dick was wearing the black muffler given by Alfred, it was cozy and quite warm... perfect for the cold weather of Christmas.
"Next time, I'll leave your ass behind"
A warning or a threat... Dick couldn't help but laugh at it anyway, he didn't even take it seriously.
Chatting idly they began to walk out the gate of the maynor, deeper into the wood, the crunching of snow beneath their feet.
For a moment, you could see two yount boys walking down... As if the past was fixed and instead of Dick ignoring Jason the two of them, or the younger imagine of them were getting together as intended.
"Here we are... It's awfully peaceful here"
Dick chuckled as he clean the stone that was covered in snow with such tenderness.
"Why did you argue on it being here then on the compound of the maynor...?"
Jason ask, to be honest walking 2 miles was nothing but abit illogical when the 2 miles could have been 34 steps.
"Cause, they'll hate to be so close to the maynor... for them, that place only brings pain"
"I don't understand how you could... Lie to those dumb ass... I hate the way you covered for Bruce and how... you let your delusion run"
Jason sit down on the ground as he let out his lighter lighting his cigar, puffing out white smoke as he looked up.
Dick got worried after hearing about you and Bruce argument and how you wouldn't pick up the phone calls from Alfred even after a week.
He came to your apartment, knocking over and over again but you never came.
He force his way in... Then suddenly.
Chair on the ground, as id kick away. The creaking of the fan and... your body hanging from the fan.
Your body was still, lacking any sign of live... The rope was tight against your neck... your eyes were somewhat opened, but he could only see the white.
Yet your eyes, they scare him deeply.
He could never forget the look on your dead face, so alive yet so... empty.
Your mouth opened as if gasing for air, the slight drool mic with tears and the pungent smell of death.
At first he couldn't even move, nor cry or panick... He was lock in shock.
What was worst was that while Dick hold onto your cold body, he cried so hard. Begging for you to come back, cursing himself.
"Please, please, Don't leave me.. I haven't even told you- how... greatful I am of you, please don't, don't do this..."
He knew no matter how hard he called, you'll never open your eyes again... Afterall you have been dead for two days.
God, he wondered how lonely you would have been during those days, did you regret it? the purple line of bruises on your neck linger onto his head.
How much have you been suffering....?If only he wasn't so immature back then, maybe you'd be alive and happy..
"... It's better if they don't know the truth, but im sure we both know that they'll prefer the lie..."
Dick continue as he pulled himself out of that memory.
"Hell, don't act like it's much, you always visit atleast once a week, I've seen you talking to the them..."
Hearing that Jason almost groan out of frustration, only because Dick was likely to tease him.
It was true, Jason always visited your grave atleast once a week. Talking, telling you about how shitty life was, Bruce and how he missed you.
He could never forget you, afterall you were the first person to welcome him with love and care...
"A happy family you say? I do not think they'll be able to catch any person with their temper"
Jason joked, they both were actively grieving you by imaging a future where you live, happy and healthy.
"That's... true. But hey, some like it spicy afterall"
Dick responded, perfectly.
"Oh-!? You started it, red!"
